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B-Movie? More Like GLBT-Movie
2008-04-03 16:36:00
(This column was published in the March 27th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake. Ironically, I was recently invited just this last week to join the committee that chooses the films for Gay Movie Night at the Tower Theatre. Go figure. I'm going to suggest Mommie Dearest every single time! Either that, or A Night at the Roxbury, which not many people realize is also a gay film.) There are many things in life that naturally complement each other. These partnerships harmonize so well, that they are instantly recognizable to nearly anyone. Such examples include: Peanut butter and jelly. Stewart and Colbert. Gin and tonic. John and Yoko. Ann Coulter and Last Halloween’s Most Popular Tranny Costume A reader may notice that “gay movies� and “really really good� aren’t on this list. This isn’t an oversight. I’m not a film snob, which is solidified by the fact that I own such critically-acclaimed luminaries as Mona Lisa Smile and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. I...
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I'm Lazier Than You, and This Is Why
2008-04-02 17:00:00
So I'll be the first to admit that I've been kind of lazy when it comes to blogging recently. Thinking about it though, I don't necessarily know who else would be admitting this before I am. Either way, I have no idea what I'm talking about. You know how some weeks you go through phases of responsibility? For example: *You'll make the bed every single day one week - and then next week you become so lazy at making the bed that homeless people start seeking out your bed as shelter? *Or you'll go to the gym every single day one week - and then the next week you become so lazy that despite hearing the ringing smoke alarm, you'd rather not move from the couch and thus becoming engulfed in flames as your apartment burns to the ground? *Or you'll do the dishes every single day one week - and then the next week the dishes pile up so high in the sink that President Bush holds a press conference only to say "it turns out we did find weapons of mass destruction after all - and the...

Homelessness is an Issue For Everyone
2008-03-31 16:09:00
(So I decided to write a sensitive, thought-provoking column for once - which resulted in a column that instead comes across as whiny and boring. In any case, this column was published in the March 31st, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I woke up around 6:30 a.m. because of my dog's persistent whining. I slipped on my flip-flops and proceeded to take the dog outside to use the bathroom. While descending the stairs of my apartment hallway, I nearly tripped over a man in his mid-40s, curled up and sound asleep. The man was homeless. I'm assuming he jimmied the lock to my "secure" apartment building and had decided to seek shelter anywhere he could because it was snowing. I gently woke him up and told him I wouldn't call the police as long as he promised to leave. He agreed to do so, and I discovered later that morning that he had indeed left my apartment building. Those who doubt that Salt Lake City has a homeless problem have clearly never been to Pioneer Park in...
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Live Healthier, Live Longer
2008-03-24 15:00:00
(This boring column was published in the March 24th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I've accepted the fact that April 19 will probably be the day I die. "Why is Ryan dying at such a young age?" a few readers might ask. "Will it be a slow and painful death as he deserves?" most readers will hope. I believe I will soon die, for April 19 is the day of the Salt Lake City Half Marathon. For some reason, I've deluded myself into thinking that running a half marathon is something within my realm of possibility. Unaware of my physical limitations, I apparently have never actually met Ryan Shattuck. He does not run half marathons, he does not have the capability of running a half marathon and he certainly does not refer to himself in the third person when writing about running a half marathon. Regardless of this obvious and painful fact, I obviously must have had a shot or two of something intoxicating ("Hey bartender, forget the Jack Daniels -- I'll just have barbit...
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My Facebook Profile Has An Existential Crisis
2008-03-20 13:00:00
Um... I sure hope so.
More About: Profile , Facebook , Crisis , Existential

Ever Wonder How Some Bus Drivers Spend Their Lunch Break?
2008-03-19 19:00:00
This is a picture I took while leaving my apartment the other day. Of a school bus. Parked in front of the state wine store. Now let's think about this for a minute. Sure, we could judge the busdriver for buying alcohol at the state wine store in between shifts. But if you drove children around for a living, wouldn't you also give in to your vices? Of course you would. Everyone would. So the next time you take your children to board a morning school bus being driven by a bloodshot-eyed bus driver who's groggily taking a swig from his paper bag, remember: he drives children around for a living. Be sure to thank him. Thank him for driving America's children. He'll appreciate it, as we weaves in and out of incoming traffic. Thank you, bus driver.
More About: Drivers , Lunch , Break

All Dogs and Babies Go to Heaven
2008-03-19 07:00:00
(This column was published in the March 11th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake) I just so happen to be writing this column on the very day my dog celebrates his ninth birthday. Now, for those who are of the opinion that “factsâ€� should “matter,â€� I’ll admit that today isn’t ‘technically’ my dog’s birthday but the one-year anniversary of the day I adopted him. I don’t actually know when my dog was born as the Utah Humane Society, where I adopted him, was unsure of his date of birth. I’ve since decided that for simplicity’s sake, I would celebrate the anniversary of the day I adopted him as his birthday. You know, similar to the way Karl Rove’s parents celebrate his birthday on the day they adopted him from a pack of wolves. My dog is my baby. Anyone who doubts that simply has to hear anything that comes out of my mouth. “Did I tell you about the time my dog …â€�; “Isn’t it cute that my dog …â€�; “You’ll never believe that my dog …â€� Yeah, Iâ€...
More About: Dogs , Babies , Heaven

Why Not All Lucky Charms Are Magically Delicious
2008-03-17 15:00:00
Happy Saint Patrick's Day! The following is an old essay I once wrote about "luck," and am re-posting here as proof that I believe in recycling. A heads-up penny. A four-leaf clover. A shooting star. A rabbit’s foot. A ladybug. The number seven. A buckeye nut. A positive fortune cookie. A thumbs up. A horseshoe. A wishing well. Maxing out a credit card. Sending the bill to the 110th United States Congress. All signs of good luck. All of which are as effective as Uri Geller is at spoon-bending. I consider myself somewhat pragmatic. I might also say that I’m an iconoclast. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that I am an unbelieving, skeptical realist. That having been said though, I’m also paradoxically superstitious, have my own ‘lucky’ rituals, and have faith in things that may or may not exist. In other words, I’m just like most Americans. In other words, I’m an idiot. From the athlete who wears special gym socks while playing the state championship,...
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Saying "The Media Is In Love with Barack Obama" Hurts Barack Obam
2008-03-15 14:00:00
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for Barack Obama . I think he's charimatic, he's a great leader, he's inspirational, he's [reason #3], he's [reason #4], and he's at least [reason #5]. But c'mon with the deification already. This is Rolling Stones' current issue, with Obama on the cover. As usual, he's not smiling (hope never smiles). This celesetial light behind him is rather confusing. Am I supposed to vote for Barack Obama - or pray to Barack Obama?
More About: Media , The Media , Love

What Do You Get If You Cross the Left Hand of Stephen Hawking, the Right Ha
2008-03-14 16:26:00
You get this statue of Leonardo da Vinci, in front of the Sandy City Library. Here's hoping that the Sandy City Library has a better eye for books than they do for art. I wonder how many books a creepy statue of Homeless E.T. Hawking could pay for?
More About: Stephen Hawking , Cross , Left , Hand , Stephen

Cherlemons Into Cherlemonade
2008-03-13 16:00:00
I thought the Chergate controversy was, for the most part, over. If you'll recall, I had the audacity of insulting the goddess Cher in a recent column, thus unleashing a tidal wave of Cher lovin' and Ryan Shattuck hatin'. But no. Just like Cher herself, the Chergate controversy is refusing to die. On the bright side, it got me a mention in the recent issue of the City Weekly: "Seems columnist/BullShattuck.com blogger Ryan Shattuck ruffled quite a few feathers over a remark he made in a column last week [“My 15 minutes of fame on Google?� March 3, Daily Utah Chronicle]. Sometimes you never know what’s going to set readers off. (As an example of how hypersensitive some people can get, this column once generated complaints from such far-flung places as Australia just for making fun of drowning-accident victims. If you can imagine.) But, after his column ran, letters to the editor and messages on the Chrony’s Website started pouring in. See if you can spot the offending ph...

I Read Salon.com for the Poo
2008-03-12 19:00:00
Came across this headline on Salon .com today. Who cares what the story's about? This has to be the best headline, I'm going to say, ever: "What is your poo telling you about your health? It's the burning question that has everybody's head in the toilet these days." Actually no, my poo isn't a burning question. And no, it doesn't have my head in the toilet these days. But aside from that, there's very little to disagree with.
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Just Because Cher Is Old, Doesn't Mean She Sucks
2008-03-12 07:00:00
(This article was published in the March 12th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle.) (You'll notice that the version here is different from the version on the Chronicle's website. This is because I hate hate hate the way they edited my column. If I wanted my column butchered I'd take it to a deli - am I right or am I right?) (No, I'm not right.) As everybody knows, I hate Cher . I don’t hate her because she’s an Academy, Grammy, and Emmy award winner. I hate her because she’s old – and I pretty much hate the elderly. Actually no, I really don’t have a problem with Cher. If anything, I hope to see her new show in Las Vegas sometime this summer, and would never admit in public that a remix of ‘Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves’ is part of my workout playlist on my iPod. So no, I don’t hate Cher. I also don’t hate the elderly, and believe that most people don’t hate the elderly as well. I do however believe that part of the reason that the elderly aren’t ...
More About: Sucks

Everybody Hates Bullshattuck (Episode 3), Starring Cher
2008-03-05 20:00:00
She's won an Emmy for The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour. She's won an Academy Award for Moonstruck. She's won like a billion Grammys for who even knows. And now, as if she hasn't done enough already, Cher is inspiring people to declare their hatred for me. I wrote a column for the Daily Utah Chronicle a few days ago. It's important to note that this column was not about Cher. It had nothing to do with Cher at all. Rather, it was about the loss of privacy in the age of Google. I made one random, dumb joke about Cher. I'll admit that the joke didn't really make that much sense. It is as follows: Many people want to be famous, whether it be the hordes of people auditioning for "American Idol," or Cher, whose desperate attempts at clinging to fame are marked by the fact that she's had more farewell tours than most people have teeth. And then they released the hounds. People (whom I assume to be rabid fans of the Salt Lake City branch of Cher's fan club, escaped patients from t...
More About: Episode , Episode 3

Wikipedia Find of the Day: "Wikipedia's Founder's Ex Totally S
2008-03-05 14:00:00
Remember when you watched Kill Bill a couple of years ago, and thought to yourself "Wow, if I ever date Beatrix Kiddo/Black Mamba/The Bride/What's Up With All The Names, I'll have to be sure to not piss her off. Cause seriously, the woman knows how to seek revenge - and I have no desire to die by knife, cobra, or the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique." Oh c'mon, I couldn't possibly have been the only one to think that. As it turns out, Beatrix Kiddo/Black Mamba/The Bride/Seriously, What's Up With All The Names has nothing on Rachel Marsden. As in the ex of Jimmy Wales. As in the guy who founded Wikipedia . Apparently Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales dated Rachel Marsden. He decided to break up with her by informing her via - what else? - Wikipedia. Rachel Marsden didn't enjoy being informed via Wikipedia that her relationship had ended. Rachel Marsden decided to seek revenge by getting rid of some of Jimmy Wales' old stuff. Not at a garage sale. Not dropping it o...
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Bullshattuck Is Wishing You a Happy Grammar Day
2008-03-04 20:00:00
According to Mental Floss, today are National Grammar Day! I never knowed that the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar even existed - let alone have their own National Grammar Day - so I'm going out to celebrate! How does somebody celebrates National Grammar Day, you may be asking? Their website have a few suggestions: How can I participate? Speak well! Write well! And on March 4, march forth and spread the word. If you see a sign with a catastrophic apostrophe, send a kind note to the storekeeper. If your local newscaster says "Between you and I," set him straight with a friendly e-mail. You might also enjoy the SPOGG Awards, which will be given annually to the city and celebrity most guilty of grammar and language offenses. This year, Columbia, S.C. and President George W. Bush took top honors. Read more here. Some of our members are planning Good-Grammar Potlucks at their offices. What do you serve at good-grammar potlucks? High-fiber foods, of course. They're good f...
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Provo Supports Alan Keyes for President?
2008-03-04 14:00:00
Who knew Provo was such a hotbed for presidential campaigns? 1.) So I come across this article on Radar, with the non-attention grabbing headline of Alan Keyes Humiliates Barack Yet Again. I click. 2.) The website references Alan Keyes ' website. I click. 3.) Apparently Alan Keyes has been running for president since September 2007, a secret being kept from his wife, as well as all of America. I'm curious. 4.) I go to Alan Keyes' contact page, keeping in mind that he lives in Maryland. And where - joining the ranks of other winning presidential candidates such as Mitt Romney - is his campaign based?
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My 15 Minutes of Fame on Google?
2008-03-03 20:00:00
(This article was published in the March 3rd, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Andy Warhol once said, "In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. This will mostly be accomplished by Google Maps' Street View option." Many people want to be famous, whether it be the hordes of people auditioning for "American Idol," or simply Cher, whose desperate attempts at clinging to fame are marked by the fact that she's had more farewell tours than most people have teeth. Even I have to admit that while I happen to be more comfortable writing than I am in front of a camera, I probably wouldn't have too much of a problem if "Fame " were to show up at my door with a bouquet of balloons screaming "Congratulations Ryan, I'm here to make you famous!" Of course by "Fame," I mean the abstract notion of being known or talked about by many people. If "Fame," the 1982 television show, were to show up at my door, I'd probably call the police. As anyone who's ever become f...
More About: Minutes

Throw Your Vote Away on Bullshattuck.com and Nader, Please
2008-03-03 14:00:00
Don't be mad. But I've decided to pull a Ralph Nader and enter a contest which has already been going on for some time, and whose prize I don't deserve. Unlike Nader however, you don't owe your seatbelt to me. Oh, and I'm not asexual. I've decided to enter my blog, Bullshattuck.com, in Salt Lake City Weekly's Best of Utah 2008. Last year I somehow won second place for "Utah's best blog," and after a lot of sleepless nights in deciding whether to enter again this year, I came to two conclusions. One, I WILL enter again this year after all. Two, I need to buy more Ambien. Thus I am officially kicking off my campaign for Salt Lake City Weekly's Best of Utah 2008. I realize that you may ask yourself "But isn't it 'wrong' or 'cheating like' to campaign for a contest which is simply meant to judge excellence in the state of Utah?" You would be correct. But that is also why you and I are no longer dating - because you never learned to keep your damn mouth shut. So yes, ...
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How You Found Bullshattuck, February 2008
2008-03-01 14:00:00
I'll admit that this isn't necessarily the most original idea, having copied this idea from Drew's Back of the Cereal Box blog, as well as everyone else's blog. As today is March 1st, I thought I would share the words people googled during the month of February which lead visitors to Bullshattuck. If this proves to be successful, I'll make this a regular, month-end ritual. Keep in mind however, that I have no way of actually gauging 'success' - therefore any success will gauged by the fact that no one emails me and tells me eat poison and die. Which wouldn't be the first time. That having been said, here - with my favorites in red - are the: The Words People Googled Which Lead Them to Bullshattuck During 2008 .html">February 2008 (Sponsored By Hepatitisâ„¢: "That's What You Get For Spending Your Spring Break In Mexico") *"ryan shattuck" "eric snider" *famous gay mormons *never get married *kevin beacon *2008 oscars review *"secretary's day info...

How to Support Obama and Be Stoned at the Same Time
2008-02-29 22:00:00
Contrary to popular belief, I don't smoke pot. Now I realize that some people may not believe this - including people who have actually seen me smoke pot - but it's true. I don't smoke pot, and if you think you've seen me smoke pot, you're incorrect - I was actually writing a fan letter to Madeleine Albright. Or playing mobile Monopoly. Either way, you didn't see anything. Got it? That having been said, I realize that some people who visit Bullshattuck do smoke pot. I also realize that some of these people support Barack Obama (I can't imagine many pot smokers supporting John McCain). Well, I care about my loyal Bullshattuck readers. For that reason, these videos are for you. I don't (or do) condone smoking marijuana, but if you happen to find a lit joint in your mouth (how did THIS get here?), be sure to watch these videos. They are the weirdest things I've ever seen in my 26 years of being alive. And believe me, I've seen some weird stuff - I once walked in on Madelein...
More About: Time , Support , Stoned

Salt Lake Tribune LOVES Birthdays!
2008-02-29 16:00:00
The Salt Lake Tribune has a story today about a father and his daughter who both share the same leap day birthday. THE SAME LEAP DAY BIRTHDAY?!?! WhAt ArE tHe OdDs?!?! HoW pOsItVeLy WaCkY!!!!! aNd NeWsWoRtHy!!!! If I dIdNt KnOw AnY bEtTeR, i WoUlD sAy ItS a SlOw NeWs DaY!!!! I just looooove stories about birthdays! LOLOLOLOLOL! I can't wait until the Salt Lake Tribune writes a story about MY birthday! As they undoubtedly will!
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Barack & Hillary Get All Hot N' Heavy
2008-02-28 20:00:00
Dream ticket? You wanna dream ticket? Here's your damn dream ticket. Complete with makin' out and dancey music! I gotta be honest, had I know that running for president means you get to suck face with Mrs. Clinton, I totally would have run for president myself. (credit: Wonkette)
More About: Barack , Hillary , Heavy

Orange You Glad You Have Your Health?
2008-02-28 14:00:00
While I've blocked out the name of this Salt Lake City salon in order to protect the innocent (because far be it for me to offend a salon), I still thought you would like to know that a particular salon in Salt Lake City offers $2 tans. What a deal! That is correct. They offer tans for the same price as a hot pocket. Think back to the last time you were at the flea market, and you bought a hot dog for only a quarter. Remember how unhealthy you felt afterwards? And not just because the very IDEA of eating a hot dog, let alone at the flea market, let alone one that cost you a quarter, made you sick? Now I'm not saying that flea market hot dogs are as unsafe as $2 tans, but... yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. SUMMARY: Eating a 25¢ hot dog, getting a $2 tan, or being Donald Trump will leave you feeling unhealthy and looking orange.
More About: Health , Orange , Glad

This Video Will Actually Alter Your Sexual Orientation
2008-02-28 02:00:00
WARNING: This video is the gayest video a person can possibly watch in their lifetime. If you're straight, you will be overwhelmed by the urge to date the same gender, listen to Mika, and get a pedicure. If you're gay, you will actually find a way to become straight, simply so that you may relish the process of becoming gay all over again. Yes. It's that gay. Consider yourself warned... (credit: Best Week Ever)
More About: Video , Sexual , Orientation , Alter

Diablo Cody Won't Leave Me Alone
2008-02-27 20:00:00
Seriously, déjà vu is so last year. Wait, did you just say that? I could have sworn that I've been here before. Hasn't this happened before? I'm totally tripping out. Seriously, déjà vu is so last year. But I'm not interested in déjà vu. I'm interested in déjà vu's retarded cousin, "life themes™." I've had a theory for a number of years that we sometimes experiences different themes in life, what I like to call life themes™. Now these themes aren't the broad topics which surreptitiously find themselves in the national dialogue, having been injected into the consciousness by something as obvious as the media. They're also different than the notion of 'buzz,' as concocted by Hollywood and Sundance and other Fake People. Life themes™ come and go. They're peculiar and random. They're not Barack Obama. He's anywhere and everywhere, and has been on everyone's mind for months. Rather, life themes™ tend to be more personal, and genuinely rather fleeting, un...
More About: Diablo , Leave , Diablo Cody

White Men Can't Get a Break (Nor Can They Jump, But That's Another
2008-02-27 14:00:00
I just hate being a white male. I can't ever seem to catch a break. Like, ever. For example, check out this totally not hilarious blog that's been popping up a lot lately, Stuff White People Like. Don't go visit it. Right now. I sure am glad that people, such as Sen. Margaret Dayton of Orem, are speaking out in the defense of white males everywhere: "It seems like the white male is such a burden or frustration to society . . . I really have angst with the growing discrimination towards the white male family-oriented Christian male. I'm just really frustrated with that." Let's look past the fact that she says "white male family-oriented Christian male," clearly indicating that her frustration doesn't apply to women. Male. Stop saying male. Male. Male. I understand her frustration, because what frustrates me is when people write sarcastic letters to the editor attacking white-defending Sen. Dayton, like this guy for example (male): The angst of Republican Sen. Margaret Day...
More About: Break , Jump

ABC Thinks There's Nothing Gay About the Oscars
2008-02-25 22:00:00
Apparently ABC is afraid of offending Oscars viewers with gay content. Which makes sense, because the Oscars is only the gay community's largest television event of the year. If anything, I'm surprised that annual Gay Pride parades aren't scheduled to fall on the same weekend as the Oscars - it only seems appropriate. When No Country for Old Men producer Scott Rudin won the Oscar for Best Picture and thanked his partner John Barlow last night, ABC thought they would do a little trimming from the official transcript. Here's the official transcript (by way of Queerty.com): And here's the video (by way of Queerty.com): ABC, I'm really disappointed in you. So now you edit 'objectionable' content out of your transcripts, for fear that it may offend your conservative watchers? I keep forgetting... am I watching the Oscars on ABC, or Fox News?

The 2008 Oscars Review/Autopsy (Stolen from Ken Levine)
2008-02-25 17:00:00
Today is a busy Monday morning for me. Not only do I have a billion things to do on this gloomy and rainy Monday, but I also do not have a single original opinion in my empty head this morning. That having been said, I thought I would share the following 2008 Oscars Review /Autopsy, which I stole from Ken Levine with the Huffington Post. It made me laugh. This was Hollywood's biggest night -- when we paid tribute to this year's excellence in motion picture Oscar campaigns. The two leading contenders for Best Picture were one with a baffling ending and one that puts half the audience into a coma. Those marketing boys know how to spin a yarn. I'm sure for most viewers, these are what they thought were the five nominees for Best Picture: Something Something Country, Something Something Blood, Michael Jordan, that thing with whatshername, and one of those Knocked Up movies. Was there a single winner the first hour from America? This was the United Nations general assembly with pro...
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Do Not Turn Jesus On
2008-02-24 17:00:00
My friend Renee sent me this link to a picture she found on Flickr. It kind of makes me wish I had one while growing up - I probably wouldn't have turned out gay. Oh wait, strike that - this lightswitch makes everyone gay:
More About: Jesus , Turn