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Republicans Hate Hollywood - But Make Great Movies
2008-02-23 02:00:00
I came across this poignant piece of video by way of Wonkette - and was so blown way that I absolutely had to share. I don't know what makes me angrier: *the manipulative way in which this video has been edited, complete with subtle but symphonic background music (is 'subtle' and 'symphonic' even supposed to be used in the same sentence?) meant to exploit my emotions *the complete and utter disregard for the truth *or the fact that their damn video made my browser crash. Four times. (click here below to see video)
More About: Hollywood , Movies , Republicans , Hate , Great

What a Lovely Inversion
2008-02-22 20:00:00
(This article was published in the February 22nd, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) “In the future, the air will become so polluted, that no one will be able to exercise outside, and old people and babies will be warned to not even go outside at all, out of fear that they may turn into a pillar of dust and/or Joan Rivers.” says the Soothsayer. “But creepy Uncle Soothsayer,” say the children, “we don’t plan on living in Los Angeles when we’re older. We’re going to live in Salt Lake City.” “Good luck.” says the Soothsayer. Happy Winter! Dress warm, so that you don’t freeze. Wash your hands, so that you don’t get the flu. Don’t go outside, so that you don’t develop respiratory problems. For those of you who don’t have the privilege of living in the Bowl Of Pea Soup that we call the Salt Lake Valley, every winter the valley develops an ‘inversion,’ in which air particles from factory emissions, car exhaust, pollutants, family style b...
More About: Lovely , Inversion

Christina Aguilera Represents Two Large ConsTituents
2008-02-22 14:00:00
As I've mentioned in past postings, I track pretty regularly the google searches that bring visitors to my site. On February 5th I write a rather dumb posting with the innocuous title of But Who Is CHRISTINA AGUILERA Voting For? One, the posting wasn't even about Christina Aguilera at all. Two, it's poor grammar (Who ends in a preposition anymore? What am I, twelve?). In any case, I've noticed the following string of words are showing up in the google searches that are leading visitors to Bullshattuck: christina aguilera voting "christina aguilera voting" +Christina +Aguilera +voting christina aguilera voting christina aguilera voting I don't understand. Why are so many people obsessed with the presidential candidate that Christina Aguilera is voting for? Are people really making their own political decisions based on those of a celebrity? Indulging my curiosity, I decided to google "Christina Aguilera voting" myself (which sounds inappropriate if you say it out loud). I t...
More About: Large

Wikipedia Find of the Day: "Chris Buttars," Part 2
2008-02-21 16:00:00
Remember back in 2006 when Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face? Remember what a comedy goldmine that was - the gift that kept on giving and giving? For the most part, I haven't followed the controversy surrounding state senator Chris Buttars faithfully, as some have. But like Dick Cheney's fondness of face-shooting, Chris Buttars' willingness to shoot off his mouth at every opportunity possible has been a goldmine for bloggers across the Beehive State. "Hey Chris Buttars, what do you think of the weather today?" "Grumble grumble, I hate black people." "Good morning Chris Buttars! Did you catch the Jazz game last night?" "Grrr grrr I hate gay people." Two weeks ago, I happened to look up Chris Buttars on Wikipedia . What I found was surprisingly entertaining, despite being eerily accurate. I decided to look him up on Wikipeda again this morning. I'm afraid that this is starting to become a weekly occurrence for me. Who needs television, when watching the evolution of Ch...
More About: Find , Part

But Who Did Barack Vote For?
2008-02-20 21:00:00
I generally don't make it a habit of copying something from the U.S. News & World Report, but I saw this in 'humor' section and weirdly, it made me laugh: "It was close, but in the end I went for Obama." -Sen. Barack Obama, on whom he voted for on Super Tuesday I don't know what's more pathetic - the fact that this is considered 'humor' by the U.S. News & World Report, or the fact that this actually made me laugh. Out loud.
More About: Vote

Bullshattuck Keeps His Big Mouth Shut
2008-02-20 17:00:00
So I have a tendency of opening my big fat mouth everytime something good might possibly happen. Whenever this happens, the something good then falls through and doesn't happen. Did I almost almost almost get a job with the Associated Press last fall? I told all of North America. I totally wasn't hired by the Associated Press. Was I almost hired by The Onion in December? I told all of North America, plus parts of Belize. I totally wasn't hired by The Onion. I can't seem to keep my big fat mouth shut. For that reason, I've instituted a new personal policy. From now on, I will wait until a contract is signed and a check is in the mail before I say anything. That should break the curse. That having been said, I'm currently working on a new secret project. Why secret? Well one, I don't want to curse myself, as I mentioned. And two, whenever I think "secret," I think "who's the killer?" Yeah. For some reason, I always think that 'secret' involves 'someone's been murdered ...
More About: Big Mouth , Mouth , Shut

Fidel Castro Finds a New Career
2008-02-19 16:00:00
Fidel Castro , the leader of Cuba from 1959 to 2008, announced in the state-run newspaper Granma that he would be stepping down as president. After a long and legendary - but controversial - career as First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba and then later as President, Castro had a relationship over the past five decades that was, at best, tumultuous. At the age of 81, he announced that immediately following his retirement as president, he would begin his new career as a model for Adidas, as seen here:
More About: Career , Fidel Castro

Let's Dig Up Nixon's Grave & Wish Him a Happy President's D
2008-02-18 14:00:00
Too bad I can't seem to find a shovel big enough. And by "big," I mean "evil."
More About: President , Happy , Grave , Nixon

So Remember Kids: Never Get Married
2008-02-16 17:00:00
Reading something like this today in the news - McCartney Agrees To $100+ Million Payout - should teach us the following three lessons: 1.) Don't ever become famous! Ever! Fame ruins everyone, and not a single famous person is happy! 2.) Don't ever get married! 100% of all marriages end in divorce and hefty out-of-court settlements! And while random, anonymous sex has the consequences of contracting an STD, marriage has the unfortunate consequence of children! 3.) Don't ever date Heather Mills! Shouting aside, I take that back. Maybe some people should become famous and maybe some people should get married. Nevertheless, this is a rather unfortunate blow to the legacy of Paul McCartney - whose only crime was making great music and marrying a bitch. Kind of makes you long for the days of Linda. So remember kids: While The Beatles may have sung "All You Need Is Love," it doesn't apply to you if you actually marry a Beatle.
More About: Kids , Married

Bullshattuck Hates Jews, Mormons & Josh Moon
2008-02-15 20:00:00
No, I do not hate Jews , Mormons and Josh Moon . Nevertheless, the following letter-to-the-editor was printed a few days ago in The Daily Utah Chronicle in response to my article Single On the Big V Day?. Needless to say, it's nothing short of golden: Ryan Shattuck continues to regularly make anti-Mormon, and now anti-Semitic, comments in his column. Comparing Jews to marijuana was simply over the top. I urge his editor to reign in Shattuck and his pro-homosexual, anti-family and anti-religious agenda. Josh Moon Senior, Political ScienceOh wait. It's from Josh Moon? Josh Moon? This letter is from a close friend of mine, Josh Moon? No, the author of this letter does not believe that I'm anti-Mormon, anti-Semitic, and anti-religious. Many of my friends - Josh Moon specifically - have a wonderfully wicked sense of humor, and his letter-to-the-editor is nothing short of spectacular satire. Nevertheless, I can't help but think... is there much of a difference between Josh wh...

Lies Can Help Find Truth
2008-02-15 14:00:00
(This article was published in the February 15th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) It's all right. I can handle the truth. I wouldn't ask for an opinion if I knew I couldn't take it. Don't worry about me. I have a thick skin. I simply want to know: Do these pants make me look fat? If the answer is "yes," I don't want to hear it. Dishonesty is a sticky substance. Its caustic matter worms its way through nearly all aspects of our lives, from politics and entertainment to relationships and crummy columns written in The Daily Utah Chronicle by Ryan Shattuck. Nearly everyone will agree that dishonesty should be avoided like the plague -- or Chuck Norris -- but what does one do when dishonesty shows up, despite our best intentions? Many of us would probably agree that we don't take issue with dishonesty, as long as it's happening to someone else. A president impeached for lying about oral sex? A celebrity disgraced for lying about drugs? A reporter fired for plagi...
More About: Truth , Find , Lies

Valentines Day with Bill & Hill
2008-02-14 17:00:00
I'm feeling slightly lazy this morning, as well as slightly non-valentiney, and so instead of writing something original and not copied from somewhere else, I just thought I would share the following. This made me laugh until I stopped. This is an online conversation between Mrs. Running for President and Her Husband, courtesy of Danielle Crittenden with The Huffington Post: Chat with Hill ary4Change 10:47 p.m. Ladeezman42: hey babe Ladeezman42: plans r *set* Ladeezman42: car pickin u up @ 8 Ladeezman42: rez @ hottest bbq jnt in town Ladeezman42: u & me Ladeezman42: jus like th ol days Ladeezman42: ribz n romanz... Hillary4Change: Take action and vote for real change! Join Team Hillary now! Ladeezman42: cmon Ladeezman42: i kno ur ther Ladeezman42: ur *away* msg dont fool me nun Ladeezman42: least ur not blockin me agen Hillary4Change: Take action and vote for real change! Join Team Hillary now! Ladeezman42: aw man Ladeezman42: look I KNO ur sore Ladeesman42: k? Ladeezman42: I...
More About: Valentines Day , Bill , Valentines

Single On the Big V Day?
2008-02-13 18:02:00
In honor of Valentine's Day, which is tomorrow (oh is that tomorrow?), I thought I'd share the following column. (This article was published in the February 13th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Chocolate? Check. Flowers? Check. Bottle of wine? Check. Romantic movie? Check. Dinner reservations? Check. I'm all ready for the evening! Hold on. Wait just a red-hot, heart-shaped minute. What's this I'm told? Valentine's Day isn't a day to appreciate oneself, but rather a holiday to be shared with another person? How frustrating -- now I have to make a new list. Zoloft? Check. Paxil? Check. Celexa? Check. Serlift? Check. Prozac? Check. Fontex? Check. I'm all ready for the evening! I realize that it's not a novel thing to say that one hates Valentine's Day. Nearly everyone says it. The act of hating Valentine's Day has become such a hip pastime that celebrities are starting to do it, simply so that average Americans might buy cheaper knock-off versions. "Did...
More About: Single

Single On the Big V Day?
2008-02-13 17:59:00
In honor of Valentine's Day, which is tomorrow (oh is that tomorrow?), I thought I'd share the following column. (This column was published in the February 13th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Chocolate? Check. Flowers? Check. Bottle of wine? Check. Romantic movie? Check. Dinner reservations? Check. I'm all ready for the evening! Hold on. Wait just a red-hot, heart-shaped minute. What's this I'm told? Valentine's Day isn't a day to appreciate oneself, but rather a holiday to be shared with another person? How frustrating -- now I have to make a new list. Zoloft? Check. Paxil? Check. Celexa? Check. Serlift? Check. Prozac? Check. Fontex? Check. I'm all ready for the evening! I realize that it's not a novel thing to say that one hates Valentine's Day. Nearly everyone says it. The act of hating Valentine's Day has become such a hip pastime that celebrities are starting to do it, simply so that average Americans might buy cheaper knock-off versions. "Did ...
More About: Single

Don't Ride TRAX If It's On Fire
2008-02-12 19:00:00
I was riding TRAX the other day, and got off at the 1300 South station. I noticed a mural painted to the immediate right of the station, and couldn't help but notice that part of the mural depicted a TRAX train. Flying off the tracks. Flying off the tracks and on fire. Let's be honest with ourselves. The Surgeon General can tell us to not smoke, and puff puff puff. Medical advice can warn us against drinking while pregnant, and glug glug glug. Don't drive while talking on a cell phone doesn't apply to me. Of course I can operate heavy machinery after taking this sleep medication. Oops, dropped my wedding ring down the garbage disposal - here, let me get that. Don't do this, don't do that. Warning warning warning. But the day I see a mural depicting a train on fire while simultaneously flying off the track, to the immediate right of the very train I just descended? That is a warning I will heed.
More About: Ride , Fire

Democrats AND Romney in 2012?
2008-02-12 15:00:00
Sure, for entertainment you could watch television, go see a movie, read a book, or take up horseshoing (which I've recently discovered doesn't exist as a 'real word,' despite the fact that it totally should). As for me, I find entertainment in the letters to the editor of the Salt Lake Tribune. Take for example, this recent entertaining letter to the editor: I consider myself fairly conservative. I'm in favor of a small federal government, states rights, low taxes, free-market principles and a strong, defensive military. I have been disappointed in the current administration and regret having voted for President Bush. I never considered myself a Republican, but I tend to vote that way. I had to declare my party affiliation in order to vote in the Republican primary, so I guess I am one now. Along with nine out of 10 Utah Republicans, I think Mitt Romney would be a great president. Now that he has dropped out of the race, here's what I'm going to do. I will vote for th...
More About: Democrats

Everywhere You Go, There We Are
2008-02-12 02:56:00
So I'm watching 'Meet the Press' on my iPod. Halfway through, there's a commercial for the 'Today' show, which ends with the slogan "Everywhere You Go, There We Are." Has anyone stopped to think how TERRIFYING that slogan is? Is 'Today' trying to suggest that its actually Big Brother? Everywhere you go... Anywhere you are... There we are... On your television... On your computer... On your iPod... On your cell phone... In the shower... While youre sleeping... There we are. Can I have a word with you, 'Today?' Have you ever heard that awful The Police song, the one that creeps everyone out? "Anywhere you go, I'll be watching you?" Just keep that in mind, as you watch me watch you on my iPod.

Everybody Hates Bullshattuck (Episode 2)
2008-02-11 20:00:00
It's time for another Everybody Hates Bullshattuck roundup! Every now and again I'll write something so atrocious, that people can't help but gnash their teeth, write a letter, post a comment, and go to bed early! They hate me - don't I get it? Aren't I the worstest writer ever? How do I even live with myself, Mr. Shattuck? Do you even do research, you terrible terrible columnist? Hurray! What's a fella to do? This is what I do. I copy + paste the 'angry' letters here, you get to read them and enjoy a chuckle or so, and everybody wins! This episode of the Everybody Hates Bullshattuck roundup brings us a number of letters (more than two!) in response to a column I wrote for the Daily Utah Chronicle, CNN Deifies Ledger, concerning the media's coverage of Heath Ledger's death. What I meant to say: "That's great that Heath Ledger died - but what about the deaths of teachers and doctors and the military and other ordinary people? Are they not as important?" What these re...
More About: Episode , Episode 2

Barack Obama Beats Non-Hillary Clinton to Win Grammy
2008-02-11 16:00:00
I didn't get a chance to watch the Grammys last night. I was too busy, well, not watching the Grammys. I can't necessarily say that I was all fired up for watching someone sing from rehab - about not wanting to go to rehab - and win an award for it. And without even a hint of irony. I did however, enjoy learning this: Also earning a Grammy was Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama , who defeated two presidents -- Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter -- to take home the award for best spoken-word album. Obama won for his book, "The Audacity Of Hope: Thoughts On Reclaiming The American Dream." You won a Grammy for the audio version of your book - you're on your way to becoming president, Barack Obama! After all, look at how well it worked for Al Gore after he won his Oscar! Oh wait. Never mind.
More About: Hillary Clinton

Even Libraries Get the Birthday Blues
2008-02-10 23:00:00
The award winning, downtown Salt Lake City Library (where I happen to work; I'm productive, yes?) just celebrated its 5th birthday a few days ago on February 8th. Happy 5th Birthday , Salt Lake City Library! Like any 5-year old celebrating its birthday, the  Salt Lake City library celebrated its birthday by having a party with all of its friends, blowing out the 5 candles on its birthday cake, and having an endless stream of homeless people fall aseep inside of it.
More About: Blues , Libraries

Gay Mormons? Mormon Leaders? Good Luck Chuck?
2008-02-10 18:00:00
Good Luck Chuck ? Wasn't that movie supposed to be absolutely awful? I never saw it, but it has Dane Cook in it - which is the acting equivalent of adding a teaspoon of urine to a bottle of 1998 Petrus Pomerol merlot - so I don't doubt that the movie was terrible. He sure does piss all over everything, doesn't he? "You know, Gone With the Wind would have been one of the greatest films in the history of humankind - but if had Dane Cook in it. So I walked out towards the middle." Dane Cook has nothing to do with being gay. Most people also believe that gay people have nothing to do with Mormon s. Yet everything comes full circle. I keep seeing the headline "Gay Mormons Seek Meeting With New Leader" show up in my RSS reader this morning, so after the 4th headline I took the bait - and clicked. While I don't necessarily follow gay Mormon issues the way others do (yawn, yawn and yawn) I'm a rather unsuccessful homosexual as well as formerly attended the Mormon church myself. Thus, ...
More About: Good , Good Luck Chuck , Leaders

Wikipedia Find of the Day: "Chris Buttars"
2008-02-09 22:00:00
Critics of Wikipedia have complained over the years that the online encyclopedia isn't 100% accurate. Critics have also asserted that its rather easy for anyone to inject their bias into a Wikipedia article. I looked up information on Utah state senator Chris Buttars the other day (because I think he's totally dreamy), and came across the following Wikipedia article. While I don't know who wrote this, I think it seems pretty accurate: (click to enlarge)
More About: Find

The Crappiest Pictures Ever Taken of a Mika Concert
2008-02-09 17:00:00
I went to the Mika concert last night - which was a great show, despite lasting all of twelve minutes. Seriously, I think he played... two songs? Maybe three? I'm not sure. In any case, I stupidly (dumbly) thought I would take a few pictures with my cell phone. You know, because those always turn out. The following are the results. The Crappiest Pictures Ever Taken of a Mika Concert : Actually, strike that... The Crappiest Pictures Ever Taken at any Concert of Anyone, Like, Ever:
More About: Cert

Overpopulation? What Overpopulation?
2008-02-08 22:00:00
Now I'm not necessarily pointing my finger at Utah (the fact that I'm pointing my finger in the direction of the Intermountain West is purely coincidental), but when silhouettes of individual family members fill up the entire length of your car, you should take that as a sign that you should stop having children.
More About: Overpopulation

CNN Deifies Ledger
2008-02-08 18:00:00
(This article was published in the February 8th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) It's a sad fact of life. Snow must melt. Leaves must fall. Sparrows must die. And Heath Ledger must pass away in his sleep. Thus is the order of life. And yet, despite these transitions, the Earth continues its eternal spin along its axis and the order of life continues. But just barely. At least that's what CNN would have us believe. As anyone who has ever owned a television knows, actor Ledger died a few weeks ago. What most people don't know is that such news affected me as if I had just stepped on a snail. Now, I realize that making derogatory comments about a celebrity who recently died makes me appear to have no soul. This is mostly true. Nevertheless, I truly believe that every life is precious and important. I just don't believe that every celebrity's death should be covered by the media as if it were something as banal as, oh, let's say Armageddon. The week following ...

Taking the Years Off - Literally
2008-02-08 14:00:00
I go to the gym at the University of Utah, and then afterwards take TRAX home. This is a picture I took a couple of days ago at the TRAX station, while waiting for the train. Apparently in the hour or so I spent at the gym, I also went backwards in time. No wonder I feel sore.
More About: Years , Literally , Taking

Politics Has Gone to the Dogs
2008-02-08 02:00:00
Being a dog person, I thought I'd share this article I recently read on Radar, titled Which Dogs Do Presidential Candidates Most Resemble? According to Radar: John McCain = Pug
"They will do whatever it takes to get what they want, often using playful or clever tactics." Barack Obama = Great Dane
Has "an appearance of being very noble and dignified" and "can be trained for protection work" Mike Huckabee = Beagle
"Its favorite habits—overeating and making a mess" John Edwards = Golden Retriever
Possesses "a lustrous coat" and "perfect symmetry" Mitt Romney = Smooth Fox Terrier 
Used originally for "vermin-killing," this dog has a "dense and abundant coat" Hillary Clinton = Labradoodle
"A newer breed that combines the often ostentatious Labrador with the more reserved—at times even aloof—poodle." Alan Keyes = Poodle 
A "perennial show dog" with a "pridefully prancing gait" Mike Gravel = Samoyed
A wedge-faced dog that is "likely to wander off in its own ...
More About: Politics

Mitt Romney: The Fable Ends
2008-02-07 22:00:00
Earlier today, I experienced a strange sensation. A sensation as if my faith in God had suddenly been rekindled. What was this feeling? I went to my computer and read the news of the day, hoping I might find an answer. And I did. I learned that Mitt was quitting the race for president. This news prompted me to get on my knees, pray aloud to God, and tell Him that I was so filled with gratitude that I would consider returning to the Mormon church. Ironically. While I believe that Mitt was the slimiest and most calculating politician to have ran for president in nearly 90 years (James Cox who ran against Warren G. Harding was even slimier than Mitt -- everyone knows that his decision to drown kittens in lye is what cost him the 1920 election), I'll instead let the words of the public speak for me: "Mitt Romney was the slimiest"--some guy on the street "and the most calculating"--some other guy, who's not the first guy Consider Mitt's concession speech: "In this time of war,...
More About: Ends , Fable

Wikipedia Find of the Day: "Secretary's Day"
2008-02-07 18:00:00
For some strange reason*, I recently needed to look up some information on "Secretary's Day." I did a search for "Secretary's Day" on Wikipedia , and as Wikipedia is fond of doing, it provided me with a list of pages 'relating' to my search: Are you freaking kidding me? I can't even look up "Secretary's Day" without coming across the names of presidential candidates? Some people say the proliferation of seeing presidential candidates' names everywhere is positive proof of society's engagement in this year's election. I say the proliferation of seeing presidential candidates' names everywhere is akin to the West Nile Virus. *(To be honest, I was looking up information on "Secretary's Day" because I swear I forget all about Secretary's Day every year - and believe my secretary is only minutes away from quitting. I want to give her something nice this year. Except I don't have a secretary. So never mind.)
More About: Find

Proof That Freedom (and Too Much Time) Exists
2008-02-07 14:00:00
To the people who doubt that America is the greatest country in the world, I say to them: would you  find the following amazing website in a COMMUNIST country? www.stuffonmycat.com No, no you wouldn't. Communist, freedom-hating countries don't have the patience for amazing websites such as this - a website I found yesterday while googling the words "cat" and "stuff on." Seriously. Only in America.
More About: Freedom , Time , Proof