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The Bullshattuck Blog

The Bullshattuck Blog
The Bullshattuck Blog is a collection of humorous essays written by Ryan Shattuck. The site covers a wide variety of topics, from politics and religion to pop culture. And win a free netflix gift certificate by visiting!

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Articles

I (Finally) Voted!
2008-02-06 03:11:00
I was disappointed though that Reagan wasn't on the ballot.
More About: Finally

A Musical Tribute to John Edwards & Rudy Giuliani
2008-02-05 23:00:00
The only candidates remaining today - on Super Tuesday - are Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Barack Obama, John McCain, Ron Paul and Ronald Reagan. Nevertheless, Bullshattuck still thought it would be appropriate and gentleman-like (no offense to the gentleladies) to pay a special tribute to John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani (whose campaign imploded like, as Rudy might say, "the World Trade Center on 9/11"). The following musical tribute is courtesy of BarelyPolitical.com.
More About: Musical

But Who Is CHRISTINA AGUILERA Voting For?
2008-02-05 20:00:00
Sure sure, Senator Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama. Bla bla bla. Governor Arnold Schwarzenewhatzhisbuckitt endorsed John McCain. Yawn yawn. What I want to know though, is who is Christina Aguilera endorsing? Apparently someone on the wide world of the intertubes wanted to know the same thing, and googled the following - and fortunately for them, Bullshattuck was listed among the results: I don't know whether the fact that people visit Bullshattuck to learn Christina Aguilera's presidential endorsement is a good thing or a bad thing. But I suddenly have a strange urge to listen to "Genie in a Bottle." And an even stranger urge to vote for Mitt Romney.
More About: Voting

Hillary Chooses Bill as Her Running Mate!
2008-02-05 17:00:00
No, not really. But as Mo Rocca points out, it could happen - its weirdly legal and crazily possible as per the ol' constitution. Would Hillary choose Bill to run as her vice-president? Only time would tell. Either way, it would be groundbreaking - as they would be only the second president & vice president in U.S. history to sleep in the same bed.
More About: Running , Mate

Super Duper Tsunami Hyperbole Tuesday
2008-02-05 14:00:00
Welcome to Super Tuesday ! Or... Tsunami Tuesday! Or... Giga Tuesday! Just don't call it... Tuesday of Destiny (cause really, that's kind of melodramatic)! Exclamation Point! If you live in Alabama, Alaska, American Samoa, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah, and West Virginia: DON'T FORGET TO GO VOTE TODAY! And if you live in any of the other states? Rest assured that I finally returned Disc 4, Season 2 of Veronica Mars to Netflix, so if you hurry you can have something to do tonight. Regardless of where you live, be sure to check Bullshattuck throughout the day for up-to-the-hour coverage!* *"up-to-the-hour" doesn't sound that impressive, does it.

Nick and Ryan's Non-annual Guide to the 2008 Presidential Candidates™
2008-02-04 22:00:00
(This article, co-written with fellow Chronicle columnist Nicholas Pappas, was published in the January 4th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Tuesday will be Utah's time to shine with its own primary. But with so many presidential candidates in this year's election, how is a Utah voter to decide? Perhaps you can't tell the difference between John Edwards (dropped out), John McCain (still in) and John Tesh (crappy musician). Maybe you think Hillary Clinton is shrill, Mitt Romney is wishy-washy and Mike Huckabee is just plain crazy. How are you to know for sure, though, just how shrill, wishy-washy or crazy they might be? For that reason, we've put together Nick and Ryan 's Non-Annual Guide to the Presidential Candidates™. Learn about the candidates, learn about their issues and, most importantly, learn whether they prefer Ginger, MaryAnn or Mary Hart (that's two Entertainment Tonight jokes in one column! Zing!). Although we might know next to nothing about th...

Don't Bring In the Clowns
2008-02-04 17:08:00
I saw this story online this morning, and thought to myself that is without question the most terrifying thing I've ever heard of. What are the two things people hate the most? Funerals AND clowns? Then let's find a way to put them together. Seriously. The most terrifying thing I've heard of. This probably gives Stephen King nightmares.
More About: Clowns

It's All Right, Jenny Wilson
2008-02-04 14:00:00
I saw former Salt Lake City mayoral candidate, Jenny Wilson , yesterday at the library. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her "sorry I didn't vote for you for mayor." But then I thought that might sound sarcastic, so I didn't.

The Second Coming of Bullshattuck (Hallelujah)
2008-02-03 20:00:00
The rumors are true. Bullshattuck has returned. Before we rejoice, give praise to the Allmighty, and head to Sizzler for the celebration dinner, I should clarify one point: BULLSHATTUCK.COM HAS NOT RETURNED. Yes, Bullshattuck has returned - but Bullshattuck.com has not. Since my website went down about a month ago, many many people (i.e. two) have asked me what happened to Bullshattuck, and why the domain no longer exists. "I always enjoyed reading your website. It's too bad that it's no longer updated," a Bullshattuck reader recently commented. "Thank mom," I replied. "Oh wait, is this Ryan? Sorry, I meant to call your brother." The crux of the issue, is the expiration of my domain name. A year ago I made the mistake of purchasing the domain name "bullshattuck.com" through one of the most evil companies in America. The most evil company in America, you ask? Wal-Mart? Enron Corporation? Blackwater Worldwide? Evil Manufacturing, LTD? No. The most evil company in America...
More About: Hallelujah , Second Coming

Take a Bite Out of Hate Crime
2008-01-31 14:00:00
(This article was published in the January 31st, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake) As British actor Michael Caine once said, “There are only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” To be fair, I don’t know which I hate more: people who are intolerant of Michael Caine, or the British. There are several people whom I strongly dislike. There are the people at my bank who aren’t empathetic to the fact that just because I wrote out a check today, doesn’t mean I need it to go through today. There’s my landlord who wants his rent on – stop me if this sounds ridiculous – a timely basis. And then there are people whom I dislike simply because they hold more power than God holds over, well, anything. Donald Trump, I’m talking to you. These people make my life more difficult. These people do not have independent lives and goals and dreams – their one aspiration is to make my life more difficult. I strongl...
More About: Crime , Hate , Hate Crime , Bite

Working Hard? Or Hardly Working? Or Drunk by 11:30 in the Morning?
2008-01-29 20:03:00
Drunk Homeless Guy and I crossed each other's paths on our way to work, as seen in this picture I took.
More About: Drunk , Hard , Morning , Working , In The Morning

But What if I Don't Like the Super Bowl?
2008-01-29 14:00:00
(This article was published in the January 29th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) The meek may inherit the earth – but we’ll still never have our own national holiday. I don’t consider myself that different from the average American. I’m a Caucasian, middle class, twenty-something college student – labels that don’t necessarily catapult me out of the normal demographic. I vote, pay taxes, hold down two jobs, own a dog, and fall just slightly left of the American dream. I’m only an inch shorter than the average American male, and aside from a few small quirks which differentiate me from some (I was a vegetarian for a year, I’m gay, I listen to NPR, and I used to be Mormon), I consider myself to be a relatively normal, average American. Oh, except I don’t understand football – so never mind. Now before I say anything else about football, I will admit that I am careful where I tread with such a topic. I’ve come to realize that denigrating footba...
More About: Super Bowl , Super , Bowl , The Super

Have You Seen Kevin Bacon's MySpace Page?
2008-01-22 14:00:00
(This article was published in the January 22nd, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I miss old school, laissez-faire pop culture. When everything wasn’t so complicated. When pop-culture wasn’t owned by just one giant entity. When everyone was separated from Kevin Bacon in just seven easy steps. As it turns out, only six degrees of separation connect me to Kevin Bacon. I’m related to Mark Shattuck who worked on the film Mad City which starred John Travolta who starred in the movie Face/Off with Nicolas Cage who starred in the movie Adaptation with Meryl Streep who starred in the movie The River Wild with Kevin Bacon who attempted to re-invent his career by growing out his hair and starring in Hanes commercials. See? Six easy degrees of separation. So few steps, I could fit them on a t-shirt. In the year 2008 however, I belong to MySpace and Facebook. I’m now connected to well over 87 billion people, give or take a few dozen. It’s quite overwhelming to c...
More About: Myspace , Page

Technology: The New Drug
2008-01-11 14:00:00
(This article was published in the January 11th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Hello. My name is Ryan Shattuck. And I’m a technophile. Now I recognize that I should probably use caution when using the suffix “phile;” several years ago, a person claiming to be a ‘technophile’ would have simply meant that one loved technology. Today, claiming to be a ‘technophile’ simply sounds uncouth – and would probably prevent a person from working with children. Inappropriate argots aside, I still consider myself a technophile, as I’ve always followed technology very closely. I’m fascinated with neat gadgets and outrageous gizmos and awesome technology and basically any hyperbole stolen from the 80’s. While I realize this obsession isn’t necessarily healthy, my fixation could always be worse – at least I’m not addicted to drugs. Then again, is having a drug problem that much worse than being ‘addicted’ to technology? Sure, buying the newest c...
More About: Technology , Drug

Bringing In the New Year the Right Way
2008-01-08 01:50:00
(This article was published in the January 7th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Only a week into the New Year , and I’ve already given up. It’s been said that one can determine the outcome of the upcoming year by simply looking at how one spends New Year’s Day. Considering that I spent my New Year’s Day coming up with my spectacular New Year’s resolution of “this year I resolve to make a New Year’s resolution,” I think I know which direction my newly minted 2008 will take. “Resolve to make a New Year’s resolution” – a resolution so effective, that it rates up there with my resolution from 2007, of “this year I resolve to stop putting off my procrastination until tomorrow.” Clearly my success with New Years resolutions thus far in life have been as successful as my other resolution of translating Lewis Caroll’s poem ‘Jabberwocky’ into Polish. It’s very curious, this idea of making resolutions. The Beginning of the Year – as if...

Return of Stewart and Colbert and Not Bullshattuck
2007-12-21 15:00:00
So I suppose I've accepted the fact that during the holidays, I am simply too fat and too lazy to post much to my blog. It's ironic, isn't it: I have more time now that I'm not in school for the next few weeks, and yet having more free time means I don't find time to blog. Go figure. But in the meanwhile, while you wait for me to find my inspiration again to daily blog... GOOD NEWS: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be returning to television on January 2nd! BAD NEWS: But without their writers! In a joint statement, Stewart and Colbert said: "We would like to return to work with our writers. If we cannot, we would like to express our ambivalence, but without our writers we are unable to express something as nuanced as ambivalence." Now you can finally watch someone perform comedy with a gun pointed at their head - the way it's always meant to be.
More About: Return

Still Waiting for Godot
2007-12-19 15:00:00
While up on campus this past week, I saw some rather unique 'graffiti' someone had scribbled onto a metal panel. *Weirdly, I happened to have my camera with me. *Not weirdly, this reference to Godot happened to be outside the theatre department. *Even more not weirdly, is that I also happened to be outside the theatre department.
More About: Waiting

The Liberal Agenda: Week of December 17, 2007
2007-12-17 20:00:00
This Week 's Liberal Agenda (Graciously Stolen from Comedy Central):
More About: December

The Second Richest Gay Mormon After Bruce Bastian
2007-12-17 15:00:00
Well not really. But nevertheless, congratulations to Todd Herzog, the self-proclaimed gay Mormon who won Survivor: China this last weekend. The most that I - also a gay Mormon - have ever won, is the occasional disapproval of friends and family. I didn't need to go on TV for my prize.
More About: Bruce

Business As Usual
2007-12-13 15:00:00
I'm finished with finals and I'm finished with my terribly long The Onion application. Therefore, I have no excuse to not return to blogging several times a day. Here are a couple of personal updates/thoughts: 1.) I'm done with the Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee. It was fun while it lasted (not really), and a lot of people participated (um, like one). Honestly though after all is said and done, I shouldn't have to resort to gimmicks to get people to read my blog. Sure, advertisers and tv executives and marketers and researchers and businesspeople and religious leaders and politicians and everyone in between resort to gimmicks in a desperate attempt to peddle their wares (ha! "peddle their wares" sounds dirty), but that doesn't mean I have to. That, and I'm also tired of Marty Hood's attempts to milk me for all I'm worth. So no, no more waste-of-time Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee. Read the blog because you enjoy second-rate writing, and not because you're trying to win som...
More About: Business , Business As Usual , Sine

Uncle Mitt's Recipe for Success
2007-12-11 20:00:00
(This was published in the December 7th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle but for some reason, wasn't published to their website) UNCLE MITT'S RECIPE FOR SUCCESS (Best Served Warm – and with Nutmeg) 1 cup -- Pro-choice comments from 2002 1 cup -- Pro-life comments from 2007 2 weeks -- NRA membership (or 1/8 tsp, whichever is smaller) 2 cubes -- Melted butter (set this aside; to be used later for hair) Double -- The size of Guantanamo Bay 1/2 Cup -- Gravitas chips (artificial chips will do) Dash -- Nutmeg 1. Become elected governor of a liberal state. Simmer for 4 years. 2. Make disparaging comments about that liberal state once you leave office. 3. Let support for the war come to a boil. Set aside your sons from serving in the military themselves. 4. Invoking Reagan, add artificial gravitas chips and beat batter into a frenzy. 5. Bake for 18 months. 6. Top with nutmeg, and serve in Iowa and New Hampshire. Only. Enjoy!
More About: Recipe , Success , Uncle , Reci

'The Onion' Decides to (Almost) Hire Bullshattuck
2007-12-11 02:00:00
Dear faithful Bullshattuck readers and Marty Hood: Before you read the rest of this post, please watch the following video: "Now why," you may ask yourself, "was I asked to watch this video?" "Because," I tell people who ask themselves questions, "there's a possibility that Bullshattuck may be hired to write for The Onion ." (For those of you whom aren't familiar with The Onion, hang your head in shame and read about The Onion on Wikipedia) Yep. Approximately two months ago, I naively sent The Onion my resume. Approximately four days ago, they responded by saying they were interested, and would I please fill out this application so that they may consider me as a writer for their Onion News Network. I have until Wednesday to return my application. Until that time, I'll probably only be blogging once a day or so. But rest assured... there's a small possibility that in the near future, you may be reading an article by Bullshattuck in The Onion. In the meanwhile, enjoy this ...
More About: Hire

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