The Bullshattuck BlogThe Bullshattuck BlogThe Bullshattuck Blog is a collection of humorous essays written by Ryan Shattuck. The site covers a wide variety of topics, from politics and religion to pop culture. And win a free netflix gift certificate by visiting! Articles
The Liberal Agenda: Week of December 10, 2007
2007-12-10 20:00:00 This Week 's Liberal Agenda (Graciously Stolen from Comedy Central): More About: December
The Liberal Agenda: Week of December 10, 2007
2007-12-10 20:00:00 This Week 's Liberal Agenda (Graciously Stolen from Comedy Central): More About: December
Another Guest Post by the Very Talented Marty Hood
2007-12-09 18:00:00 Hark the Herald Angels Sing! The Christmas CD of the year, dare say, the new millenium, has arrived!!!! Marie Osmond takes 15 Christmas Classics and makes them her own in this instant classic. I also started reading my Victoria Principal book. I am first focusing on finding 10 minutes of Joy, which is one of her secrets. I found 10 minutes today in helping my friend Ryan keep his blog updated. And never, never forget. No matter what life throws your way, you can't stop the music. More About: Post , Marty , Hood , Guest
Another Guest Post by the Very Talented Marty Hood
2007-12-09 18:00:00 Hark the Herald Angels Sing! The Christmas CD of the year, dare say, the new millenium, has arrived!!!! Marie Osmond takes 15 Christmas Classics and makes them her own in this instant classic. I also started reading my Victoria Principal book. I am first focusing on finding 10 minutes of Joy, which is one of her secrets. I found 10 minutes today in helping my friend Ryan keep his blog updated. And never, never forget. No matter what life throws your way, you can't stop the music. More About: Post , Marty , Hood , Guest
Avoid the Traffic - Just Like Everyone Else
2007-12-08 18:00:00 Will someone please explain this to me? I don't average that much traffic to my site - which I'm totally fine with. Between 30 and 40 hits a day, no big deal. Ok, maybe between 20 and 30 hits a day. Fine! Sheesh. Maybe between 10 and 20 hits a day. Geez! Leave me alone already. It's between 0 and 0 hits a day. Nobody visits my site. Are you happy now? In any case, I happened to take a look at my traffic yesterday, and was weirdly surprised to see the following charts for the past 7 days and the past 30 days, respectively: WHAT THE HELL?! I figure there must be an explanation for the weird spike in traffic. I figure that one of the following must have occurred on December 7th: a.) USA Today finally ran that cover story on my website, which they promised to do forever ago. b.) Word spread that every 30th visitor to my site receives a coupon for a can of minced clams. c.) Aliens. d.) Word spread that one of my blog entries from two months ago features a video of ga... More About: Traffic , Avoid
Avoid the Traffic - Just Like Everyone Else
2007-12-08 18:00:00 Will someone please explain this to me? I don't average that much traffic to my site - which I'm totally fine with. Between 30 and 40 hits a day, no big deal. Ok, maybe between 20 and 30 hits a day. Fine! Sheesh. Maybe between 10 and 20 hits a day. Geez! Leave me alone already. It's between 0 and 0 hits a day. Nobody visits my site. Are you happy now? In any case, I happened to take a look at my traffic yesterday, and was weirdly surprised to see the following charts for the past 7 days and the past 30 days, respectively: WHAT THE HELL?! I figure there must be an explanation for the weird spike in traffic. I figure that one of the following must have occurred on December 7th: a.) USA Today finally ran that cover story on my website, which they promised to do forever ago. b.) Word spread that every 30th visitor to my site receives a coupon for a can of minced clams. c.) Aliens. d.) Word spread that one of my blog entries from two months ago features a video of ga... More About: Traffic , Avoid
Larry H. Miller Presents: The 2007 Holiday MegaGift™ Guide
2007-12-07 22:00:00 (This was published in the December 7th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Larry H. Miller Presents : The 2007 Holiday MegaGift™ Guide (Be sure to visit all our locations!) Not sure what to buy this Christmas for the person who has everything? You know, the guy who owns, oh, let's say, a sports franchise, a chain of megaplex theaters, a television station, a sports park, 19 car dealerships and a Mayan-themed restaurant? Why give your loved one a boring gift, when you can give him or her an exciting MegaGift™? *Salt Lake City ($13.7 Billion) -Pesky Democrats and the catty City Weekly will be a thing of the past, for your gift recipient! Did your loved one wish Rainer Huck had won the mayoral race? Make it happen! *The Word "What" ($6.2 Billion) -Anytime someone says the word "what," your gift recipient will receive a handsome royalty! What a great idea! These past two sentences alone cost me $2 million dollars! *Sex ($201.4 Billion) -Not applicable...
Letters to Santa
2007-12-07 18:00:00 (This article, which was co-written with fellow Chronicle columnist Nicholas Pappas, was published in the December 7th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Dear Santa , I don't need much. It's been a great year. I've lost weight faster than Jared on the Subway diet and have the backing of the great Chuck Norris. So, this year, I hope you can find time to give the gift of life to all the unborn children of this nation, so they might grow up to mow my lawn, stucco my house and take my Big Mac order during my diet-free days. Love, Mike Huckabee Dear Santa, You seem like a jolly guy. We hope you can find it in your heart to rename Rudolph after an environmentally friendly company like us. After all, we keep his nose glowing! Also, we've included a check for a few million in the envelope. Love, EnergySolutions Dear Santa, I'm lonely. I used to be the king of the world, or at least Salt Lake City. Now, I fear I'm falling into obscurity. If you could send a head... More About: Letters
A Manolo for the Man-Homo
2007-12-05 22:00:00 While I generally don't make it a habit of looking up garish-looking, queerish-looking shoes, I happened to read about this on Andrew Sullivan's site and just... had... to... take... a... look. Apparently Manolo Blahnik has started creating shoes again for the non-gay man. These are the shoes. And this is what it says on the site: "After an absence of seven years on the menswear scene, Manolo Blahnik has dusted off his sketchbook - and created a line of men's shoes so fabulous, they are pretty much guaranteed to knock your man's socks off." Check out that leopard Manolo! Oh they'll knock your man's socks off all right. They'll also knock off the rest of his heterosexuality.
Overheard by Bullshattuck: Charles Schulz
2007-12-05 18:00:00 ”I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” –Charles Schulz
How to Piss Off Bullshattuck and Mormons
2007-12-05 14:00:00 Not sure what I think of this. According to the stats that track visitors to my site, if you google the words "how to piss off a mormon," look at the second site to appear: More About: Mormons , Piss , Mons
The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide - Only 21 Days Remaining!
2007-12-05 02:00:00 The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide : Only 21 shopping days left for you to demonstrate your affection towards loved ones with superficial symbols of commercialism! Know of someone who will be attending a holiday party this December? Want to give a holiday gift which is SURE to have a loved one tell you "Thank you!" and "Do I get gift receipt with this?" Of course you do! You're no dummy. Probably. This year, give a loved one this year the Inflatable Referee Costume! Says PrezzyBox, the seller of such a perfect gift: The Inflatable Referee Costume is the perfect outfit for a party! You can guarantee gasps of amazement followed by hysterical laughter, followed by chants of 'Who ate all the pies'! Whatever happens, you'll be the centre of attention! It's probably the funniest outfit you could ever wear, with the possible exception of the inflatable sumo and inflatable ballerina costumes! It would be perfect for any fancy dress party or for a stag do, or even ... More About: Days
Mormons Against Romney?
2007-12-04 20:00:00 I'm not a fan of Mitt Romney . At all. Like, even a little bit. My opinion of him as a presidential candidate is so low that if I were forced to choose between him and Elmo (at gunpoint, we're assuming), I'd probably vote for the puppet. After all, I don't recall Elmo saying that he would double the size of Guantanamo Bay. In 'researching' a column I'm writing (research, i.e. using Google and Wikipedia), I came across this fantastic website, called Mormons Against Romney. Now while this may seem like a confusing contradiction on the level of "Animals Against PETA" or "Basic Instinct 2," the website actually makes a lot of sense. Too bad they haven't updated their site since May. C'mon guys - I'll be disappointed if I discover that you've been called to repentance and commanded to vote for Mitt. More About: Mons
Happy and S.A.D. Holidays, Redux
2007-12-04 14:00:00 Apparently I'm a robot. One of my classes this semester is a nonfiction workshop, in which we submit autobiographical stories we've written, only to have our fellow students workshop the very heart and soul out of them. It's delightful. As mentioned, I learned yesterday that I'm a robot. I had written a story about the years when I attended BYU, about my cousin's suicide, and about the various catalysts which eventually caused me to leave "The Happiest School on Earth." I was accused in the workshop, of not putting in enough - or any - emotion, of sloppily throwing together the story, and of being flippant in regard to such heavy topics (suicide, religion). Bleh. It's my story about my life, isn't it my decision if I choose to avoid any issues I have, by being flippant? Group therapy, er rather writing workshop, be damned! I thought it appropriate that the other story we read and workshopped was a story someone had written about S.A.D. - which is perfect for this time of... More About: Holidays , Happy
Doesn't Come More Awesome Than This
2007-12-04 02:00:00 "Man Accused of Stealing Plane to Impress" More About: Awesome , Some
The Liberal Agenda: Week of December 3, 2007
2007-12-03 20:00:00 This Week 's Liberal Agenda (Graciously Stolen from Comedy Central): More About: December
December 3rd - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-12-03 18:00:00 CHIMPS Contrary to the long-held belief that "humans are superior to chimpanzees in all cognitive functions," Japanese researchers at Kyoto University recently discovered that 5-year old chimpanzees have better short-term memory than most human adults. In their testing, researchers administered memory tests to groups of 5-year old chimpanzees and college-aged students. Much to the surprise of the researchers, the chimpanzees scored 80% while the humans scored 40%. "It's amazing what this chimpanzee is able to do," said Elizabeth Lonsdorf, director of the Lester E. Fisher Center for the Study and Conservation of Apes at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. Upon learning the results, the college students who had participated in the study threw their poo at the researchers. -bullshattuck More About: December
Guest Post by the Very Talented Marty Hood
2007-12-03 01:00:00 Ok, in a rollercoaster life of ups and downs, being asked to guest post on "Bullshattuck.com" is a thrill that cannot be topped. I don't follow politics and national issues, so this isn't going to be a headache inducing thought provoking post. It's just going to be a glimpse in the life of me! Here's me and my new glasses! This weekend my goal was to watch as much of this as I could: http://www.collider.com/uploads/imageGall ery/Dallas_TV_Show/dallas_season_six_dvd_ cover_art__medium_.jpg And I did. I finished the season! :) I also put up my Christmas tree: And ordered this book! http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51B WHJVEDPL._SS400_.jpg I can't wait til I look and feel 10 years younger! I woke up this morning at 5am to the chirp chirp chirp of a smoke detector. My smoke detectors are wired into the electricity but have a battery backup. When the battery dies, the alarm will chip every minute to let you know. I go into the hallway, and of COURSE the smoke det... More About: Post , Marty , Hood , Guest
Bullshattuck Takes a Break Today
2007-12-02 20:00:00 I'm taking a break today from updating bullshattuck.com. If you're feeling charitable today, you can either: a.) Write something and update bullshattuck.com for me -OR- b.) Write my 2 columns and complete my several hours of homework for me. Any takers? Marty Hood, now is your time to shine. More About: Break , Today
Happy December First
2007-12-01 20:00:00 Today is the First day of December . Now the Christmas season really really has begun. November 23 through November 30 may be when the Christmas season stretches out its hamstrings, but December 1 through December 24 is when the Christmas season begins the actual sprint. (And of course, December 25 through mid-February is when the Christmas season lies passed out at the finish line, due to too much credit card debt, visits from family, and tryptophan) As today is the First day of December, I thought I would (lazily) simply post some video I took this morning of the snow falling outside my window. Honestly, I think it's absolutely beautiful - nothing welcomes December like fresh falling snow. On your mark, get set, and go... until the Christmas season completely clobbers you in the home stretch. By the way, those last few seconds of while I was in San Diego a few weeks ago - hope you're depressed! More About: Happy
November 30th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-30 20:00:00 DAREDEVIL America's daredevil, Evel Knievel, died today at the age of 69. The famous daredevil and stunt man - who gained infamy during the 1970's for jumping his motorcycle over everything from Greyhound buses to the fountains at Caesar's Palace - died from complication related to diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis. Known as "America's Legendary Daredevil," he was known around the world for his spectacular stunts and his red, white and blue-spangled jumpsuit. In honor of his memory, his coffin will be shot out of a cannon and through a hoop of fire. -bullshattuck More About: November , November 30
Jenna Bush is Coming to Town
2007-11-30 15:00:00 No one should be judged or defined by their parents. My parents, as much as I love them, do not determine the outcome of my life; any decisions I make concerning me are made by me. My father however, isn't a tyrannical despot with the IQ of poisoned liver. On a completely unrelated note, Jenna Bush , daughter of President George Bush, will be in Salt Lake City tonight. Ms. Bush, the celebrated author of such non-ghostwritten books as Ana's Story: A Journey of Hope, _________, and _________, will be at the downtown Salt Lake City Library auditorium discussing and signing copies of the book which she totally did not ghostwrite. I mean, totally. Tickets are $35, but price of admission includes one (1) free pina colada. More About: Town , Jenna Bush
The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide - Only 26 Days Remaining!
2007-11-30 02:00:00 The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guid e : Don't forget, only 26 shopping days left for you to trap yourself in credit card debt purgatory! My goodness! It's impossible to google the words "ugly gift" and not receive over a million hits, most of which are for the awesomely awesome band, Krank! "But I don't like giving people bad music," you say. "Why in the world are Philadelphia's original Masters of Mayhem from the '80s back with their first release in 15 years?" you ask. "So when you say 'Philadelphia's original Masters of Mayhem from the 80's,' do you mean there are are bands from Philadelphia who came in second place for Masters of Mayhem from the 80's?" you ponder. Out loud. For me to hear. THE ANSWER TO ALL THREE QUESTIONS IS YES!* What a more perfect way to celebrate the joyous sounds of Christmas, than to sing along with such life-affirming songs as "Nasty Bastard," "One Good Fist," and "F**k You!" Peace on earth, goodwill to the original Masters of M... More About: Days
Pop Quiz! Topic: Last Night's Terrifying Republican YouTube Debate
2007-11-29 20:00:00 Answer whether the following statement is true or false: _____________ Water is another name for... ...H2O, as last night's CNN/YouTube Republican Presidential Debate is another name for... ...Lord of the Flies. More About: Quiz , Youtube , Topic
Jesus Wouldn't Wear an Ugly Sweater
2007-11-29 14:00:00 (This article was published in the November 29th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) There's just something about Christmas time that makes me want to have tiny crackers with tiny pieces of salami with a tiny jar of mustard and a mint. Not too much! Don't make it too big! I don't want to spoil the spirit of Christmas by having crackers too big with too much salami and a normal-sized jar of mustard. Welcome to the beginning of December. In case the spirit of Christmas wasn't visible the day after Halloween, we're now into full-throttle December where the only place the spirit of Christmas isn't visible is in hell. And even the Devil puts up Christmas lights. I find it appropriate that Christmas is in the last week of the year. It's such an emotional, polarizing holiday -- bringing out the truly best and the truly worst in people -- that it could only be at the end of the year. Those wacky sun-worshipping pagans in the fourth century sure knew what they were ... More About: Jesus , Sweater , Wear , Ugly
Daly the Scab
2007-11-28 18:00:00 Carson Daly about to defy writers strike, according to the Associated Press. Responded the Writers Guild of America, "The Writers Guild of America, East joins our colleagues of the Writers Guild of America, West in expressing our profound disappointment with Carson Daly's decision to return to work . . . We thank them [other late-night talk show hosts] and hope that Mr. Daly will reconsider his decision, including the soliciting of scab writers to provide material for his program." Honestly, do we need another reason to hate Carson Daly?
An Extra Does of Reality
2007-11-28 06:00:00 So it’s decided. I don’t want to be in movies. Or at the very least, an extra in a movie. I spent an unusually large part of my day today as an extra on the set of the film The Jerk Theory. If you’re wondered why you haven’t heard any rumors of this film coming down the pipelines, it’s probably because it stars nobody, who’s previously starred in nothing. Be sure to keep an eye for it next summer, when it briefly appears in theatres, wedged between the sequels for White Chicks 2: Even More Money for the Wayans and Deuce Bigalo: The Third Times the Charm. Don’t blink – you’ll miss the five minutes The Jerk Theory is in theatres. Oh let’s be honest. The one movie I’ve ever been in will just probably go straight to video. I found out about the call for extras through an ad on Craigslist, proving once again that Craigslist is the land of opportunity and/or apartment listings and sex ads. I figured I had some spare time on Tuesday morning, and thought to myself... More About: Reality , Extra , Ality
The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide - Only 28 Days Remaining!
2007-11-27 20:00:00 The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guid e : Hurry up, as there only remains 28 shopping days left to pay twice as much for a gift that will be half as appreciated! Today's Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide idea is taken from a question asked a Bullshattuck reader:* "So let's say you have a friend who's totally not me. And this socially backwards friend doesn't always feel that comfortable when I go to... er... when he goes to parties. Is there a shirt my friend who's not me could wear to parties that would be a conversation-starter? You know, something unique and eye-catching? Something that says 'Wow Carl, let's have a conversation about your shirt!' I want to get a shirt like that for my friend. Who's not me. --Confused Carl. Um, I mean Jonathan. Oh, and I want the shirt to be able to detect wifi signals." Well Jonathan-Not-Carl, have I found the shirt for you! Thanks to other socially backwards people at Think Geek, you can get your hands on your very own Wi... More About: Days
It Could Always, Always Be Worse
2007-11-27 14:00:00 And you thought Bush was the worst possible choice for president? (courtesy of Super Deluxe)
Don't Let Florida Find Out Your French Poodle Listens to Streisand
More articles from this author:2007-11-26 22:00:00 Priorities, schmiorities. Sure, Florida may make buckets of money from the gay men and women who visit Disney World and Miami and the billions upon billions of gay clubs and bars and restaurants across the state, but that doesn't mean they have to place the health & well-being of gay men and women above the priorities of, oh I don't know, your pet rabbit. The Palm Beach Post, by way of Crooks and Liars, posted a story last Saturday about the Palm Beach Community College and their new discounted group medical insurance. Discounted insurance for spouses? Discounted insurance for domestic partners? No. For pets. As the article states, "The pets of Palm Beach Community College employees will qualify for discounted group medical insurance beginning in January, but domestic partners are still barred from receiving similar benefits." Said Rand Hoch, president of the Palm Beach County Human Rights Council, “The fact of the matter is puppies are covered, partners are not.” So re... More About: French , Find 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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