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The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide - Only 29 Days Remaining!
2007-11-26 20:00:00
The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guid e : you only have 29 shopping days left to buy a crappy present for your loved ones! Well isn't that just great. Your office is doing a Secret Santa this year, and as luck would have it, you pulled the name of the Catholic pervert. He would be just as comfortable at Mass as he would be on To Catch a Predator. He understands that rosary beads can be used for purposes other than the rosary. Surely there must be a gift for him? Would anything less than a Virgin Mary Butt Plug do? Isn't it time you gave a gift to someone who actually gets some use out of their gift? Merry Christmas, creepy pervert guy from the office. Or in your case - Virgin Mary Christmas!
More About: Days

Everyone Hates Bullshattuck
2007-11-26 14:00:00
It's the weekly Everyone Hates Bullshattuck roundup! Our roundup today brings us two letters to the editor of the Daily Utah Chronicle, in response to my article in last week's Rivalry Guide, Only Stone-Cold Mormons Need Apply to the Y. A special thanks to Jay Adamson of Draper, Utah and Melony Anderson of Highland, Utah! It's people like you (those who don't understand the words "humor," "rivalry" and "satire") who make people like me ("opinion columnists," "satirists" and "everyone else") absolutely LOVE our job! Thanks Jay and Melony, for my Monday laugh!

The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide - Only 30 Days Remaining!
2007-11-25 18:00:00
The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guid e : only 30 shopping days left to buy the perfect gift that will probably be returned! Your mother wants a pocketbook for Christmas. But she also likes poultry. Pocketbook... poultry... pocketbook... poultry... OHMIGOSH, the Cool Chicken Bag Pocketbook! It's like a dream come true, except my dream was about a pocketbook in the shape of chicken! *This chicken is made of vinyl and is about 12" tall! *And not including the handle and is 14" wide! *So the chicken bag can hold a bit of stuff! Hurry and get your Cool Chicken Bag Pocketbook today before they don't sell out!
More About: Days

Bullshattuck On the Road, Part 2
2007-11-25 08:00:00
After spending several wonderful days in California, I am traveling back to that bitter iceland that is Salt Lake City. For that reason, I won't be posting anything else for the rest of the day. As always, my receptionist Dolores will be in charge and will happily handle all of your inquiries and answer all of my emails while I'm traveling. She also emailed me this YouTube video and suggested I put it up on my site, so that my readers have something to keep them entertained until I arrive once again to Utah. I have to admit though that Dolores has an odd sense of humor, because unless this video is meant to be some artistic post-hipster ironic foreign commentary on death and adultery, I just don't understand it. If you pay very close attention however you'll notice that at exactly 4:39 in the video, you're bored.
More About: Part , Road , On The Road , The Road

The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guide - 31 Days Remaining!
2007-11-24 18:00:00
The 2007 Bullshattuck Holiday Shopping Guid e : remember, only 31 shopping days left to run up your credit card balance! Need to find a gift for that person who doesn't like Elvis enough to dig up his body, but enough to want a fake singing Elvis head? Too bad there's not an alive Elvis animatronic robot, huh. BUT THERE IS! Purchase your Alive Elvis Animatronic Robot from Skymall for only $299.95! *"Alive Elvis" is a lifelike and life-size bust of Elvis Presley! *The fake head sings all of Elvis' rock classics! *The IR wireless remote control looks like the glittering microphone Elvis held in his '68 Comeback Special! *Just like having a Disney animatronic animal - but with none of the Disney magic! *Totally not creepy! Hurry - only 31 shopping days left to buy your Alive Elvis Animatronic Robot.
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Thank Goodness It's Black Friday
2007-11-23 18:00:00
I slept in this morning. Not because I was tired or because I was still feeling the after effects of stuffed tryptophan and canned cranberry slush, but because I went with my siblings last night to go shopping at 12:30 in the morning. Yes, we did. For some reason, we thought it would be 'fun' and 'adventurous' and 'not awful' to go to the Gilroy Outlets Stores here in California around midnight, in order to witness the madness that is Black Friday . What a great idea! What could possibly go wrong? "What could possibly go wrong?" -General George Custer, 1876 "What could possibly go wrong?" -King Leonidas of Sparta, 480 BC "What could possibly go wrong?" -President George W. Bush, 2003 It took us 40 minutes to drive to the Outlet Stores. It took us 30 minutes to take the exit from the freeway. It took us 20 minutes to find an empty parking spot. It took us 15 minutes to fight through the crowds of the Outlet Stores. It took us 20 minutes in line simply to enter the store ...
More About: Goodness , Black Friday , Hank

Happy Thanksgiving from Bullshattuck
2007-11-22 09:00:00
An annual Thanksgiving tradition for my family is, before we begin eating, to go around the table and say what it is that we're most thankful for in that particular year. As I'm not about to divulge what my family is thankful for (because being thankful for 'health' and 'freedom' are rather boring answers), I instead thought I would ask a few average people around the country what they were most thankful for during Thanksgiving. "I'm thankful that my boss sometimes lets me wear jeans on Thursday even though it isn't Jeans Friday." "I'm thankful that I'm always told in the grocery store and at the post office that I look just like Jodie Foster." "I'm thankful that I don't have crabs anymore because they weren't as cute as you always see in the commercials." "I'm thankful that I never shot my horse with the broken leg like everyone told me to." "I'm thankful that Zoloft is small enough to fit in a purse. I mean wallet. I meant to...
More About: Happy , Hank

Bullshattuck On the Road
2007-11-21 18:00:00
I'm currently traveling on the road at the moment, so don't anticipate any Bullshattuck updates until, most likely, tomorrow. Feel free however, to peruse the archives of my site. Any questions or comments while I'm driving to California today can be directed to my receptionist, Dolores. She'll be in charge while I'm gone. Please don't make fun of her flowered shirt. She's sensitive.
More About: Road , On The Road , The Road

Crack is Whack & Pop-Up Ads are Creepy
2007-11-21 14:00:00
Ok, I get it. I GET IT. You, Mr. Internet, are trying to push your “oh so realistic screensavers” on to me as if they were your crack, as if I was your user, and as if your success in convincing me to download your crackalicious screensavers is your only way you can afford to feed your children-of-a-drug-dealer children. But I have to draw the line somewhere. It’s one thing for you to push your screensaver programs on me in increasingly menacing pop-up ads. But honestly though, must they be this creepy? Thank goodness, dear reader, that you’re only seeing the unanimated version of this ad. Because trust me when I say that the way this deer’s eyes watch you is enough to prevent even the laziest narcoleptic from falling asleep. Like, ever.
More About: Crack , Creepy , Pop-up , Whack

Only Stone-Cold Mormons Need Apply to Y
2007-11-20 22:00:00
(This article was published in the November 19th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) Unfortunately, I don’t posses even one unbiased bone in my body when it comes to BYU. Really, not a single bone. Even my coccyx is no fan of the cougar. It’s difficult to remain objective and write on why the University of Utah is superior to Brigham Young University, when one is actually physically incapable of doing so. I want to be fair and view the schools on the same level, and yet I am biologically wired to abhor the Y with an intense passion usually reserved for devoted followers of Muhammad, or Comic-Con. I’m being asked to give my opinion on why an education from Brigham Young University is the largest waste of time and money in the Intermountain Region? Not only have I been waiting my entire life to write such a column, but unbeknownst to many, I was actually predestined by God and/or Gitchi Manitou and/or Oprah to do so. I truly wish I didn’t hate BYU. Preordination...
More About: Cold , Stone , Mormons , Stone Cold , Mons

Douchebag Ex Machina
2007-11-20 18:00:00
So I didn’t end up leaving for California for Thanksgiving last night after all. And I'm pointing my blame upstairs. Proving that the Almighty has a sense of humor (“By the way, I’m going to make everything in your life more difficult until it borders on the comical! Ha!” --God), Mark and I didn’t leave last night due to car troubles. Yes, car troubles – the bane of all interstate travelers and anyone who has to be somewhere on time. So pending a canceled hotel reservation in Reno, a car tune-up, and a hearty slice of deux ex machina, I just may end up in California by this time tomorrow after all. I suppose however that my satirical blame for deity for my car troubles isn't any better than the governor of Georgia leading ministers and lawmakers in a prayer for rain. I'm not even talking about the whole state-waking-up-and-finding-church-slippe d-state-a-roofie-and-now-state-is-pregnan t-with-church's-baby issue. There IS no more separation of church and state. Rathe...
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The Low Down on High School
2007-11-20 02:00:00
I’m leaving for California tonight to head home for Thanksgiving. I have to admit however, I feel somewhat apprehensive about going home. While I’m excited to spend the week with my family, I have also have plans to see old friend from high school. Yes, old friends from high school. Such an idea makes the shivers going down my spine register on the Richter schedule with the same intensity of tsunami. And by tsunami, I mean the bad kind. I don’t necessarily know why I have an unreal aversion to seeing old friends from high school. It’s not necessarily all old friends from high school; rather, I fear seeing old friends from high school whom I haven’t seen in several years. Maybe the fact that I haven’t accomplished much in half a decade; maybe it’s the fact that I’m not married with 3.2 children to carry on my name; maybe it’s the fact that I simply didn’t like my high school to begin with. As I wrote in a previous blog entry from several months ago: I attended ...
More About: School , High School , High

November 19th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-19 20:00:00
MCCAIN John McCain recently told reporters on his Straight Talk Express that “It’s my intention, if win this nomination, to reject Secret Service.” In the unusual off-hand comment, McCain said that he felt the presidential office doesn’t necessitate the current state of security afforded to modern presidents. He continued: “The day that the Secret Service can assure me that if we’re driving in the motorcade and there’s a guy in a rooftop with a rifle, that they can stop the guy, then I’ll say fine. But the day they tell me, ‘well, we can’t guarantee it,’ then fine, I’ll take my chances.” It was announced later in the day that the Anti-American Anarchist Assassins Authority, more commonly known as the AAAA, will be endorsing John McCain later in the week. -bullshattuck
More About: November

Ballbuster? Blockbuster!
2007-11-19 14:00:00
I went to Blockbuster over the weekend (a shout out to the bourgeois!) to rent a movie. While a self-appointed restraining order has prevented me from visiting Blockbuster for several years – in other words, Netflix is not a picky lover and won’t press charges – I strangely found myself inside their yellow walls once more. What was so strange about going to Blockbuster for the first time in years, was that I was blown away by the large selection of gay movies. Note to self: don’t use the words “blown away” when referencing gay movies. Really, has 1 out of every 2 movies at Blockbuster always been gay themed? It may be true that 10% of society is gay – but don’t tell that to Block-at-least-fifty-percent-is-queer-bus ter. I’m walking down the aisles of Blockbuster looking for a copy of Hick-Spanic and Zorro: Return to the Future to take home for some good old-fashioned hetero entertainment, but instead find myself distracted with The Lair, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Sec...

Dancing on the Glass Ceiling
2007-11-18 20:00:00
(This article was published in the November 14th, 2007 issue of the QSaltLake, Utah’s Gay & Lesbian News & Entertainment Magazine) Has anyone else noticed this trend? I went to Club Sound (“Where a kid can be a kid!”) last weekend, and noticed that a large percentage of the gay men there were wearing hard hats. Strange, I know. Earlier this week I attended QUAC and noticed that most of the swimmers were also wearing hard hats. Yeah, kind of weird. As if that wasn’t unusual enough, last night I attended my monthly meeting of Gay Men Against Hard Hats and sure enough, a hard hat covered the head of every Tom, Dick and Karen (who’s just one operation from becoming Harry). What’s the deal, why are so many gay men wearing hard hats? Is it because a recent study was released claiming that gay men hit a glass ceiling in the workplace, not earning as much as their straight counterparts? Furthermore, is it obnoxious for me to use a very long setup involving hard hats, sim...
More About: Dancing , Glass , The G

November 18th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-18 14:00:00
KERRY The Northern Virginia Daily, by way of the Associated Press, recently reported a vow by Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts to disprove the charges against him brought by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. T. Boone Pickens, a wealthy Texas businessman, announced that he would pay $1 million dollars to the person who could disprove the swift boat charges from Kerry's 2004 presidential election - a challenge which Kerry himself gladly accepted. Said Kerry in a letter to Pickens, "While I am prepared to show they lied on allegation after allegation, you have generously offered to pay one million dollars for just one thing that can be proven false. I am prepared to prove the lie beyond any reasonable doubt." This follows in a series of criticisms Kerry has attempted to put to rest since losing the 2004 U.S. presidential election as the democrat candidate. In an unexpected turn of events, police arrested John Kerry around 2:00am last night, on several counts of animal cruelty. ...
More About: November

The Masochist
2007-11-17 22:00:00
(This article was published in the November 16th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) FADE IN: EXT. A LAWN, TWO YEARS AGO -- MORNING The year is 2005, the month is November, the mood is somber. The two victims descend from the plane, unaware of the fates already awaiting those of their brethren. Upon being removed from their cages, strange men lift the two victims into the air, so that they might be exhibited before the crowd for judgment. The Man approaches, a man known to employ torture and haphazardly send innocent men to their deaths. He laughs in the face of danger, and scoffs in the presence of Habeas Corpus. Altering his face into an ironic contortion of compassion and discomfort, President George W. Bush pardons the lives of Marshmallow and Yam, exiling them to live the rest of their lives at Disneyland. CUT TO: RYAN SHATTUCK (V.O.) Some people argue that President Bush shows no forgiveness; I argue that maybe such people would be easier to forgive if the...

Obama Mia!
2007-11-17 18:00:00
I found out yesterday from Rebecca Walsh herself (another story) that Barack Obama is opening up a field office in Salt Lake City - the first for any of the U.S. presidential candidates. I have to admit that while I was originally pretty annoyed at him for pushing Stephen Colbert out of the presidential race a few weeks ago, I actually think I'm willing to overlook offense towards Mr. Colbert with this daring gesture towards Salt Lake City. Kudos to Mr. Obama, for being the only presidential candidate - who isn't Mitt Romney - for thinking that he just may have a chance at Utah. Now sure, it may be easy to say that he has a [see graphic] of winning the majority of Utah's 23 delegates. But you have to admire his plucky dedication. To Mr. Obama, I say good for you! Oh, and Mr. Obama? When you get to the restaurant, just tell the maitre d' that you're meeting other guests at the table reserved for "Great Ideas." The Edsel, Crystal Pepsi, the Apple Lisa, and Pets.com saved you ...

Cheating & Stealing Does a Happy Bullshattuck Make
2007-11-17 14:00:00
I apologize for not posting anything to Bullshattuck in the past two days. While readers were deprived for two days of their daily Bullshattuck, I'm sure a certain Mr. Marty Hood, who happens to be on the receiving end of The Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee (tm), doesn't mind. The little bastard. Alas, laziness + busy with school & work + a lack of internet connection prevented me from my daily Bullshattuck obligations. I'd like to however avoid 2/3 of my excuse, and focus on just a particular 1/3 of my excuse - that of having no internet. If I've told my neighbors once, I've told them a thousand times - it's rather difficult to secretly steal their wireless internet connection when the connection doesn't remain consistent. It's bad enough that they occasionally pick up their newspaper too early for me to steal on a daily basis... is it too much to ask that they keep their internet connection vibrant and strong? Thanks, tenants of apartment #403. I appreciate everything you do.
More About: Cheating , Happy , Make , Stealing

November 14th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-14 20:00:00
A story in today's Salt Lake Tribune tells of a recent report that Utah currently has "some of the lowest rates of sexually transmitted diseases in the country." The report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention STD, released yesterday, places Utah at 46th for chlamydia and 43rd for gonorrhea. In a completely unrelated story, scientists are currently researching what relationship high Prosac usage and daily pornography has on STD eradication.
More About: November

Bullshattuck Googles Himself and is Afraid of What He Finds
2007-11-14 14:00:00
Be warned, all you Googlers out there - for Bullshattuck knows which of your Googles are leading you to my site. The fantastic thing about using Typepad to host your website [Typepad, you can thank me later], is that it allows me to see what websites lead visitors to Bullshattuck. What's even more fascinating about this, is that it particularly allows me to see the specific words people are Googling. For example, if someone Googles the word "Bullshattuck," or "waste of time and space," I'll know. The following is an actual screenshot of words which someone Googled - and which then lead them directly to www.bullshattuck.com. Apparently if you Google the words "meaning of poop and mice and men," it will lead you directly to my website. Really, I'm flattered.
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November 13th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-13 18:00:00
BROADWAY Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City, offered to meet yesterday with striking Broadway stagehands in an attempt to reconcile their picketing against Broadway producers over work rules and staffing requirements. The strike, which is now entering its fourth day, has shut down most Broadway shows ranging from The Phantom of the Opera and Hairspray to Wicked and Mamma Mia! While most would agree that strike should be resolved quickly and amicably, some of questioned the timing of the stagehand strike and speculated that the stagehand strike was an attempt to upstage the current strike by the Writers Guild of America. In unrelated news, Liza Minnelli recently started a strike against something. -bullshattuck
More About: November

Two New Ways to Contact Bullshattuck
2007-11-13 14:00:00
There are two new ways to contact Bullshattuck, in addition to sending him an email and stalking him at work! You can now contact Bullshattuck on Yahoo Messenger or AIM Messenger! For the 3 or 4 people who read my blog on a monthly basis, rejoice!
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November 12th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-13 02:00:00
KATIE It was recently announced that as many as 500 writers for CBS News could soon be striking, in addition to the thousands of other strikers who have been on the picket lines for a week now. According to the Associated Press, "the writers, employees of CBS News television and radio, are expected to overwhelmingly approve a strike authorization." Upon hearing the news that the people responsible for writing her nightly newscast would soon be striking, Katie Couric selflessly announced that she would cover the void left by her writers - with her massive mouth. -bullshattuck
More About: November

What Bullshattuck Got Out of Today's Staff Training Day
2007-11-12 23:00:00
So while most people had work off due to Veteran's Day, I unfortunately had the privilege of attending Staff Training Day at work (see previous blog entry about your boss hating America if they're making you work today). I work for a library, and the theme for 'Staff Training Day' - or 'STD' for those who prefer infectious, communicable abbreviations - was "Transformers." As in someone was inspired by the movie Transformers. Hoping that today wasn't a complete bust, I decided to make a list of what I learned at the library's training. The following is what I got out of the STD: ( ...wow, that just sounds terrible... ) The following is what I got out of the Staff Training Day: *I learned that 1 out of every 1,500 babies born is born intersexed. *I learned all about Web 2.0 and that when it comes to using the internet, I'm even more stupid than I realized. *I learned that I ate so much food at the Staff Training Day, I'll be crapping for a week. *I learned why I did...
More About: TRAI , Raining

Happy Veterans Day from Bullshattuck
2007-11-12 15:00:00
Happy Veterans Day from Bullshattuck! This Veterans Day , be sure to hug any (non-homeless) Veterans you may come across, as a thank you for their sacrifice. Remember, without Veterans: 1.) We wouldn't be able to live in this wonderful, free country of ours 2.) We wouldn't have today off from work* Happy Veterans Day! *If you don't have today off from work, it's only because your boss hates America
More About: Happy , S Day

Bullshattuck Feels Sick Today
2007-11-11 20:00:00
Send flowers.
More About: Today , Sick , Eels

November 10th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck
2007-11-10 14:00:00
MISSING It was reported by CNN that over 80,000 have gone unaccounted for at the Ronald Reagan Library. Bullshattuck did some investigative work. "But basically my hero was Ronald Reagan." -Rudy Giuliani "I always though Ronald Reagan was a real Republican." -John McCain "Ronald Reagan is one of my heroes." -Mitt Romney "Ronald Reagan . . . did something for every single American by increasing individual liberty." -Tom Tancredo "We've got to bring back the Reagan Democrats to this party." -Duncan Hunter Where might those 80,000 items have ended up? Where oh where oh where? -bullshattuck
More About: November

Bullshattuck Takes Cover, They're On the Attack!
2007-11-10 02:00:00
Protect yourself from them! There are HUNDREDS of them! First Oprah, then the world!
More About: Cover , Attack , Atta

Bullshattuck Rejects Rejection Letters
2007-11-09 21:00:00
If I had to choose a personal theme for the year 2007, I'd probably go with "Rejection ." A close second would probably be "A Night to Remember" or "Dance Among the Stars." You know, something dreamy. I received yet another rejection letter a few days ago, this one from the Associated Press. "Ryan, Thanks for your interest in the SLC editorial assistant job. I hired another applicant [bla bla bla]. But if you're really interested in an AP job [bla bla bla], stay in touch as you develop your journalism skills [bla bla bla]. We have some turnover here [bla bla bla]. It was nice meeting you [bla bla bla]. Good luck with your job search [bla bla bla]. Linda" It's obvious by the "bla bla bla"s that I don't necessarily plan on keeping the phone number for the Associated Press' Human Resource Department in my rolodex. Really though, another rejection letter? In the past month, I've been rejected by: *The Associated Press, doing an editorial assistant job. *MTV, to cover the 2...
More About: Letters