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The Longest Seven Days in America
2008-05-28 01:40:00
The current headline on the Huffington Post, in large red block letters, reads simply the following: SEVEN DAYS. Intrigued, I clicked on the headline, only to learn that the SEVEN DAYS refers to… a.) The number of days that remain on Earth until the Middle East finally self-combusts? b.) Or the number of days that remain until the entire human population is destroyed by an asteroid the size of a very large asteroid? c.) Or the number of days that remain until an awkwardly large percentage of society comes together in a nation-wide mass suicide, due to the second place finish of David Archuleta? Of course not. Let's not be mostly ridiculous. The SEVEN DAYS on the Huffington Post refers to the number of days remaining until the Democratic primaries are officially over. And if you think you're hearing legions of angels singing the "Hallelujah" chorus, you are correct. While Hillary will most stay likely stay in the race until Arbor Day 2009 (or until all the trees d...
More About: America , Seven Days , Days , Longest

California and Massachusetts are Totally Getting Gay Married
2008-05-16 00:22:00
Earlier today, the California Supreme Court struck down California’s ban on same-sex marriage, a ban that had existed since a voter referendum in 2000. Why does this matter, especially for non-homosexuals who live in non-California? As San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom pointed out, “It’s a throwaway line, but I think it’s true: As California goes, so goes the nation.� As California goes, so goes the nation. IT’S TIME FOR A GAY MARRIAGE POP QUIZ! QUESTION ONE: Will gay marriage play a roll in the 2008 presidential elections, the same way it did in 2004? ________________________________ QUESTION TWO: How will the presidential candidates respond to the California Supreme Court’s decision? ________________________________ BONUS QUESTION: If the nation follows California, and the presidential candidates follow the nation, and the media follows the presidential candidates, and political bloggers follow the media, and California allows gay-marriage, and ...
More About: Massachusetts , Married

Get In Shape for the Right Reasons
2008-05-14 16:48:00
(This column was published in the May 14th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle - if this column looks familiar, it's because it's a variation on an old column I wrote about a year ago) It’s the most wonderful time of the year. This month is the most wonderful time of the year, one may ask? No, it’s not Avoid One’s Family Christmas. Nor, is it our Pretend To Not Be Depressed Valentines Day. It’s not even An Excuse To Dress Like A Superhero or a Whore Halloween. This most wonderful time of the year I’m referring to is the Beginning of Summer – an annual time of year that society looks forward to more than Fundamentalist Christians look forward to the Rapture. This most likely has something to do with the fact that The Rapture is not a sudden ascension into heaven as much as it is a New York post punk revival band. While Utah’s 17-month long Winter has driven me to look forward to summer myself, I also find myself experiencing another feeling as the da...
More About: Reasons , Shape

It's a Small World After All
2008-05-12 22:29:00
Several years ago, I read a book about the ‘evils’ of the Walt Disney Company. I don’t necessarily remember the basic tenets of the book, but it ranged from such claims as the benign (the Disney company doesn’t treat its employees very well) to the absurd (the Disney company is actually a cult). How preposterous! How ridiculous! The Disney Company isn’t evil! It’s not as if, sometime in the 90’s, the Disney Company actually went and built a town in Florida, complete with its own zip code! Oh wait. Never mind. Big deal. So a few people are such fanatics of All Things Disney that they actually move to a town designed by the Disney Company. Good riddance, I say. As far as I’m concerned, people who are such fanatics of any one idea or company or person should have every right to move to a town of like-minded people. Besides, it’s not as if any of the current presidential candidates’ supporters are such fanatics that they’re actually designing in town in Texas...
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Til the End of Time
2008-05-07 21:51:00
So Hillary Clinton took Indiana in the primaries last night. Big deal. As everyone knows, she plans on staying in the race for a very long time. Not until June. Not until the convention. But forever. Hillary Clinton is going to stay in the race forever. Will she go down in history as the first president to be female? No. She will go down in history as the first presidential candidate to achieve immortality. Like everyone else under the age of – let’s be honest – 93, I’m pretty burned out by this entire race. Several months ago, I would have enjoyed watching the primary returns on CNN. Last night however, instead of watching the returns for Indiana and North Carolina, I thought I would have a movie marathon instead. I just need to do something that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever. A movie marathon should get my mind off this never ending race! The following is a list of some of the movies I ended up watching, trying to get my mind off the race a...
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I Want to Tell a Kid that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down
2008-05-06 19:08:00
This is an ad I saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. It reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us." I understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us? I can only imagine the ads they rejected: "No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us." "No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us." "No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us." "No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us." "No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us." "No one wants to tell a kid that most...
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You Might Be a Super Delegate If...
2008-05-05 20:00:00
Barack Obama says on Meet the Press that Hillary Clinton most likely will stay in the race until the end. As of today, the Democratic primary has now lasted approximately 1,342 weeks. What is America to do? Well fear not, you 72 million registered Democrats (give or take a few million) out there. I have a solution. Consider the following: FACT: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are currently in a statistical tie. FACT: The only way Barack can offer the final blow OR Hillary can pull ahead is for the super delegates to announce for whom they are voting. FACT: For some reason, many super delegates across the U.S. have still not announced who they are supporting. THEREFORE: Most of the super delegates are not aware that they are a super delegate. It’s simple! Once you know you’re a super delegate… you’ll announce your support for either candidate… and then the greatest debate of all time in the history of time and space will come to an end. But how exactly i...
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The Long Island Iced Tea - A Tribute
2008-05-04 20:00:00
Today is the last day, in the great state of Utah, where a person may order a Long Island Iced Tea. As of tomorrow, May 5th, yet another of Utah's totally non-quirky liquor laws will become a reality. As we bid adieu to the dash of cola, 1 oz. lemon juice, 1 oz. rum, 1 oz. tequila, 1 oz. gin, and 1 oz. vodka concoction of wonder and mirth (shake and add lemon wedge) - a concoction which has caused many a person to make many a drunken phone call - may we bow our heads in silence at the passing of such a great friend. A somber time such as this calls to mind the following immortal poem: First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out - because i was not a Trade Unionist. Then the Utah lawmakers came for the Long Island Iced Tea, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Long Island Iced Tea. Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me. May liqu...
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Ron Paul Followers Do Not Believe in Using Hyperbole
2008-05-01 08:00:00
With all the commotion surrounding Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and if you squint just right, John McCain as well), it’s easy for some people to forget that Ron Paul is still running for the president of the United States. Of course by “some people,� I mean “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution.� And of course by “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution,� I mean “pretty much everybody.� Ron Paul released his new book yesterday, The Revolution: A Manifesto. For those who don’t plan on voting for Ron Paul, this was simply a new book. For those who do plan on voting for Ron Paul, this book is more groundbreakingly historical than a copy of the Bible handwritten by Jesus himself, complete with a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory wedged between the Old and New Testaments. To Ron Paul supporters, this is no ordinary book – this is the book to end all books. Hyperbole is an Eliot Spitzer prostitute –...

Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck, March & April 2008
2008-04-30 17:45:00
Happy Hairstylist Appreciation Day! For those of you not in the know (i.e. everybody alive), today is officially Hairstylist Appreciation Day! I know, right? I didn't know it was Hairstylist Appreciation Day either, until I found out it was! So go get your haircut! Go appreciate your hairstylist! After all... Hairstylist Appreciation Day only comes around once a year, unlike some of the Jewish holidays. Seriously, aren't Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah like seven times a year? Today is also the last day of April . Where did the month go? I'm guessing it probably went with months January, February, and March , although let's not be all scientific about it. The point is, time mostly moves forward, and tomorrow most likely is May. Therefore, it's time to present: GOOGLE SEARCHES THAT LED YOU TO BULLSHATTUCK IN MARCH & APRIL 2008 Because I didn't post the "Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck" list in March, I'll make sure that April is a double edition! That's twice as m...

Further Proof that Barack is a Mac & Hillary is a PC
2008-04-30 02:58:00
FACT: Apple just debuted a new commercial over the weekend for the iPod, featuring the song "Shut Up and Let Me Go." FACT: Barack Obama continues to distance himself from the comments Reverend Jeremiah Wright made over the weekend. Coincidence?
More About: Proof , Hillary

Announcing the Launch of Utah's Brand New #1 News Source
2008-04-28 18:13:00
Dear friends, family, visitors to Bullshattuck, and whomever doesn't fit in that category (like my acupuncturist): If you live in Utah , you know that your news choices consist of Something Tribune, and Deseret Something. Don't you deserve more? Should there not be more, and better, choices for news? Why can't there exist a news source which just so happens to be written by a team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists? And what exactly is this project that Ryan's been working on these past few months? As some of you know: *I almost got a job writing for The Onion. But didn't. *I almost got a job writing for the Associated Press. But didn't. *I almost had a publisher give me the green light for my book. But didn't. What do I do when life hands me "no" and "we're not interested?" Simple - I make lemonade. Rejection makes me kind of thirsty. Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce the launch of my newest lemonade... The Regal Seagull: Utah's Brand Ne...
More About: News , Source , Launch

Voting for America's Next Top Drinking Buddy
2008-04-22 18:12:00
(This column was published in the April 21st, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) There once was a man from Nantucket, Lost everything in the stock market. It wasn't a joke, That he soon was broke, And became rather aggravated with the way in which the hosts of last week's presidential debate, Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, instead of asking questions relating to the economy and other issues that affect America ns, focused on such banal issues as the wearing of a flag pin. That poor guy from Nantucket. He can't ever seem to catch a break. Plus, his limericks kind of suck. A lot of conversation has been generated by last Wednesday's debate between Senators Clinton and Obama, which was sponsored by ABC News. The debate's hosts, Gibson and Stephanopoulos, were lambasted by many people and organizations, such as other media outlets and much of the political blogosphere. Everyone -- including And Their Dog and And Their Mom -- apparently had something c...
More About: Drinking , Buddy , Voting

The Anatomy of a Flip Flop
2008-04-17 16:04:00
(This column was published in the April 17th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I used to think Robin Williams was one of the best actors Hollywood had to offer. Now I find him to be more obnoxious than a room full of 3-year-olds. I used to pretend to date women in high school. Now I write for a number of gay, political publications. I used to consider myself a highly religious person. Now I consider myself to be a secular humanist, with a side order of laziness. I used to think that parachute pants were cool. Now I wouldn't be caught dead wearing them, even if I pushed from a plane and wearing them was the only way to save my life. Everyone changes his or her mind throughout life. We change our minds regarding culinary tastes, fashion and politics. Non-Christians become Christians, Republicans become Democrats and vegetarians vote for Dennis Kucinich. Yesterday the celebrity diet of choice was the Atkins Diet. Today many celebrities are on an effective diet calle...
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Fake Memoirists Exposed
2008-04-15 16:29:00
(This column was published in the April 15th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) It came to pass that the Lord Almighty, Oprah, invited the evil prophet James Frey to Her talk show in 2006. Oprah saw that the wickedness of James Frey was great upon the land, for he had led the people astray with his tales of deceit and drug addictions. Oprah, the Alpha and the Omega, smote James Frey with a mighty curse in front of Her studio audience, saying unto him, "Thou shalt not lie to thy Lord and Oprah." The moral of the story: Those who lie to Oprah will be turned to pillars of salt. Two years ago, author James Frey became the center of a literary controversy when it was revealed that portions of his memoir, A Million Little Pieces, had been fabricated. A public castigation by talk-show host Oprah -- who had previously chosen the memoir for her book club -- led to an escalation of media criticism. Many were surprised and dismayed that a modern author, in this era of glob...
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Saving to Stimulate the Economy
2008-04-11 15:09:00
(This column was published in the April 11th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) What do the following three items have in common? A piggy bank made of granite and filled with a tinier piggy bank made of porcelain and filled with pennies and broken promises. A copy of Jimmy Buffett's single 'Margaritaville,' autographed by Jesse Ventura for some reason. A dictionary with a hollowed-out center, so that one may hide trinkets such as tiny porcelain piggy banks and well-worn DVDs of "Snakes on a Plane." The answer? They can all be purchased with my economic stimulus check! Two months ago, the House and the Senate, in a rare move of relative bipartisanship -- a level of cooperation that hasn't been witnessed since the World Trade Center attacks of 2001 or the Janet Jackson nipple attack of 2004 -- passed the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008 in an attempt to bolster the U.S. economy. Thanks to this stimulus package, tax-paying Americans (Wesley Snipes and Al Capone, y...
More About: Economy , Saving

Bullshattuck Chooses Katie Couric's New Successor
2008-04-10 19:00:00
I like Katie Couric . Really. Some find her saccharine personality to occasionally (i.e. always) border on the annoying. I on the other hand find her to be charming and delightful, while simultaeously plucky and determined. She's a scrappy orphan in manolos. She's a Norma Rae, but with better legs. She's a never-give-up Hillary Clinton, except with emotions. It probably broke the hearts of more than just a few people (most of whom are either two, three, or seven times my age) to learn of rumors that Katie, who was America's #1 morning host and is currently America's #3 evening host, may be replaced on the CBS Evening News after this year's presidential election. Replace Katie? What will she do? How will she survive? Who cares. Let's discuss her potential successors! The following list, it should be pointed out, is pure speculation. In other words, 100% fact. POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR THE CBS EVENING NEWS' SOON-TO-BE-EMPTY ANCHOR CHAIR (Sponsored by Pfizer: "Yep, we're st...

The Blame Game
2008-04-09 16:15:00
(This boring column was published in the April 8th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I like to blame other people -- but that's not my fault. Blaming other people is one of my favorite pastimes. For example, I am only 5-foot-9 -- I blame my parents. I am not that wealthy -- I blame the economy. I am not that intelligent -- I blame the U. I'm not a good writer -- I blame The Daily Utah Chronicle. I have a slow computer -- I blame Apple Inc. I suffer from prosopagnosia -- I blame people with ugly faces. I like to blame other people, and other people like to blame me. Everyone likes to blame everyone else, and, in doing so, the world continues to quirkily gyrate along its crooked axis. Blaming others is as American as apple pie, baseball, rock 'n' roll music and not voting. We are a nation full of blamers -- and we hope someone else will take the fall. A recent CBS News/The New York Times poll showed that 81 percent of respondents said they believe "things have p...
More About: Game , Blame Game , Blame

It's My Birthday and I'll Be Pissy If I Want To, Redux
2008-04-07 23:45:00
(This essay was written last year around my birthday. I think the theory in reposting this essay once again, is that I'll be able to convince myself that perhaps I'm still stuck somewhere in 2007 or even 2005. I am totally fine with not progressing in life, as long as it means I get to stay 21 years old forever.) I’m becoming a Jehovah’s Witness. Sure, becoming a Jehovah’s Witness may require door-to-door proselytism, denial of blood transfusions, a subscription to The Watchtower, accepting a patriarchal family structure, avoiding gambling, homosexuality, abortion and patriotism, and believing that the “last days� began in 1914 But the Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in birthdays or holidays. And that is a religion I can get behind. Yesterday was my birthday. I hate birthdays. I hate holidays. I hate any day that requires an adherence to traditions that either half the time don’t make sense, or the other half of the time require – REQUIRE – that one ...
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When Old Age Attacks!
2008-04-07 17:00:00
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 27 years old in real years (or 45 years old in gay years). To grasp how old I'll be, look at it this way: In 2 more years I'll no longer be eligible to audition for American Idol. In 7 more years I'll be old enough to run for president. In 35 years I'll be old enough to collect social security (just kidding - the government will have spent all of it by then). Because I've blogged a number of times about my birthday over the years, and because my feelings on the topic rarely change, I thought I would repost a couple of old entries I've written over the years. When weighing my options for my birthday this year, I figure it's a lot easier and a lot more inexpensive to repost old blog entries, than it is to throw a MTV-style Super Sweet 16 party. Besides, my life is already rather self-indulgent enough as it is, thank you very much. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my parents aren't going to give me a Hummer The following blog entry was written around...
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B-Movie? More Like GLBT-Movie
2008-04-03 16:36:00
(This column was published in the March 27th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake. Ironically, I was recently invited just this last week to join the committee that chooses the films for Gay Movie Night at the Tower Theatre. Go figure. I'm going to suggest Mommie Dearest every single time! Either that, or A Night at the Roxbury, which not many people realize is also a gay film.) There are many things in life that naturally complement each other. These partnerships harmonize so well, that they are instantly recognizable to nearly anyone. Such examples include: Peanut butter and jelly. Stewart and Colbert. Gin and tonic. John and Yoko. Ann Coulter and Last Halloween’s Most Popular Tranny Costume A reader may notice that “gay movies� and “really really good� aren’t on this list. This isn’t an oversight. I’m not a film snob, which is solidified by the fact that I own such critically-acclaimed luminaries as Mona Lisa Smile and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. I...
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I'm Lazier Than You, and This Is Why
2008-04-02 17:00:00
So I'll be the first to admit that I've been kind of lazy when it comes to blogging recently. Thinking about it though, I don't necessarily know who else would be admitting this before I am. Either way, I have no idea what I'm talking about. You know how some weeks you go through phases of responsibility? For example: *You'll make the bed every single day one week - and then next week you become so lazy at making the bed that homeless people start seeking out your bed as shelter? *Or you'll go to the gym every single day one week - and then the next week you become so lazy that despite hearing the ringing smoke alarm, you'd rather not move from the couch and thus becoming engulfed in flames as your apartment burns to the ground? *Or you'll do the dishes every single day one week - and then the next week the dishes pile up so high in the sink that President Bush holds a press conference only to say "it turns out we did find weapons of mass destruction after all - and the...

Homelessness is an Issue For Everyone
2008-03-31 16:09:00
(So I decided to write a sensitive, thought-provoking column for once - which resulted in a column that instead comes across as whiny and boring. In any case, this column was published in the March 31st, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I woke up around 6:30 a.m. because of my dog's persistent whining. I slipped on my flip-flops and proceeded to take the dog outside to use the bathroom. While descending the stairs of my apartment hallway, I nearly tripped over a man in his mid-40s, curled up and sound asleep. The man was homeless. I'm assuming he jimmied the lock to my "secure" apartment building and had decided to seek shelter anywhere he could because it was snowing. I gently woke him up and told him I wouldn't call the police as long as he promised to leave. He agreed to do so, and I discovered later that morning that he had indeed left my apartment building. Those who doubt that Salt Lake City has a homeless problem have clearly never been to Pioneer Park in...
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Live Healthier, Live Longer
2008-03-24 15:00:00
(This boring column was published in the March 24th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle) I've accepted the fact that April 19 will probably be the day I die. "Why is Ryan dying at such a young age?" a few readers might ask. "Will it be a slow and painful death as he deserves?" most readers will hope. I believe I will soon die, for April 19 is the day of the Salt Lake City Half Marathon. For some reason, I've deluded myself into thinking that running a half marathon is something within my realm of possibility. Unaware of my physical limitations, I apparently have never actually met Ryan Shattuck. He does not run half marathons, he does not have the capability of running a half marathon and he certainly does not refer to himself in the third person when writing about running a half marathon. Regardless of this obvious and painful fact, I obviously must have had a shot or two of something intoxicating ("Hey bartender, forget the Jack Daniels -- I'll just have barbit...
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My Facebook Profile Has An Existential Crisis
2008-03-20 13:00:00
Um... I sure hope so.
More About: Profile , Facebook , Crisis , Existential

Ever Wonder How Some Bus Drivers Spend Their Lunch Break?
2008-03-19 19:00:00
This is a picture I took while leaving my apartment the other day. Of a school bus. Parked in front of the state wine store. Now let's think about this for a minute. Sure, we could judge the busdriver for buying alcohol at the state wine store in between shifts. But if you drove children around for a living, wouldn't you also give in to your vices? Of course you would. Everyone would. So the next time you take your children to board a morning school bus being driven by a bloodshot-eyed bus driver who's groggily taking a swig from his paper bag, remember: he drives children around for a living. Be sure to thank him. Thank him for driving America's children. He'll appreciate it, as we weaves in and out of incoming traffic. Thank you, bus driver.
More About: Drivers , Lunch , Break

All Dogs and Babies Go to Heaven
2008-03-19 07:00:00
(This column was published in the March 11th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake) I just so happen to be writing this column on the very day my dog celebrates his ninth birthday. Now, for those who are of the opinion that “factsâ€� should “matter,â€� I’ll admit that today isn’t ‘technically’ my dog’s birthday but the one-year anniversary of the day I adopted him. I don’t actually know when my dog was born as the Utah Humane Society, where I adopted him, was unsure of his date of birth. I’ve since decided that for simplicity’s sake, I would celebrate the anniversary of the day I adopted him as his birthday. You know, similar to the way Karl Rove’s parents celebrate his birthday on the day they adopted him from a pack of wolves. My dog is my baby. Anyone who doubts that simply has to hear anything that comes out of my mouth. “Did I tell you about the time my dog …â€�; “Isn’t it cute that my dog …â€�; “You’ll never believe that my dog …â€� Yeah, Iâ€...
More About: Dogs , Babies , Heaven

Why Not All Lucky Charms Are Magically Delicious
2008-03-17 15:00:00
Happy Saint Patrick's Day! The following is an old essay I once wrote about "luck," and am re-posting here as proof that I believe in recycling. A heads-up penny. A four-leaf clover. A shooting star. A rabbit’s foot. A ladybug. The number seven. A buckeye nut. A positive fortune cookie. A thumbs up. A horseshoe. A wishing well. Maxing out a credit card. Sending the bill to the 110th United States Congress. All signs of good luck. All of which are as effective as Uri Geller is at spoon-bending. I consider myself somewhat pragmatic. I might also say that I’m an iconoclast. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that I am an unbelieving, skeptical realist. That having been said though, I’m also paradoxically superstitious, have my own ‘lucky’ rituals, and have faith in things that may or may not exist. In other words, I’m just like most Americans. In other words, I’m an idiot. From the athlete who wears special gym socks while playing the state championship,...
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Saying "The Media Is In Love with Barack Obama" Hurts Barack Obam
2008-03-15 14:00:00
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for Barack Obama . I think he's charimatic, he's a great leader, he's inspirational, he's [reason #3], he's [reason #4], and he's at least [reason #5]. But c'mon with the deification already. This is Rolling Stones' current issue, with Obama on the cover. As usual, he's not smiling (hope never smiles). This celesetial light behind him is rather confusing. Am I supposed to vote for Barack Obama - or pray to Barack Obama?
More About: Media , The Media , Love

What Do You Get If You Cross the Left Hand of Stephen Hawking, the Right Ha
2008-03-14 16:26:00
You get this statue of Leonardo da Vinci, in front of the Sandy City Library. Here's hoping that the Sandy City Library has a better eye for books than they do for art. I wonder how many books a creepy statue of Homeless E.T. Hawking could pay for?
More About: Stephen Hawking , Cross , Left , Hand , Stephen