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The "WTF?!! Friday" Offensive
2008-04-25 17:55:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's time for WTF?! Friday again!!So, um, not to make you feel guilty or anything but I will be HIGHLY offended if you don't play along with me on this and every single upcoming and consecutive WTF?! Friday.What do you mean, 'why'?!Hey, you may or may not know this but I am very emotionally fragile from all of the offenses committed against me while growing up as the youngest of five (very not-nice) siblings, so I don't handle rejection well!That's right.It was like living in a POW camp, only with more duct tape. In fact, I probably have PTSD from all of that duct tape! So do you really want to add to my need for duct tape therapy by refusing to play along on my WTF?!! Friday Offensive?!!Awww, thanks!! I knew you'd understand.Don't tell the other #1 fans, but between you and me, you're my favorite offender! :)Anyhoo... this week's WTF?! Friday is entitiled:"WTF?! Were My Parents Thinking When They Let Me Do This?!!"(Yes, that IS me circa age 10 sittin...

The "Skirt Wearing Eunuch Pills" Offensive
2008-04-23 17:49:00
You know, if I were of the penile persuasion, which thankfully I'm not, I'd be a little more than offended about the Communist attempt to turn me into a skirt wearing eunuch!!Hey, I'm serious, haven't you read their manifesto?Well I have, and believe me, #63 on their list is to use subliminal messages in order to psychologically manipulate all non-communist men into becoming skirt wearing eunuchs so that they can take over the world.Don't look at me like that.It's true!You tell me, haven't you noticed that everywhere you turn, you are bombarded with images of sad, impotent men portrayed like this:Yep, they want all men to believe that their penis, if they even have one, won't work correctly without one of those pills and and guess who invented those pills to begin with?!That's right.They invented fluoride, too, but that's a whole other conspiracy for another day.OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., don't you know that it is politically incorrect to talk bad about...
More About: Skirt , Pills

The "Pope's 4/20" Offensive
2008-04-22 18:43:00
Hey, no offense, but isn't the Pope supposed to be setting a good example for the rest of us?? You tell me, just what the hell was he thinking, driving around America on 4/20 like this:You know that bastard probably didn't even share with his popemobile chauffeur, either!!:pI bet they celebrated 4/20 over at humor-blogs.com !!

The "Yay! It's Monday!!!" Offensive
2008-04-22 02:41:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's Monday again!! OK, so it's almost Tuesday but hey, between you and me, I am lucky to be here at all after the fun and crazy weekend I had. No, I didn't break any bones while we were out playing in the dirt with our dune buggy, but I came pretty damn close and I am very, very sore but it is worth it.Gosh, I love that thing!!Do you know what I love even more??The fact that after we came home and got all cleaned up, my hubby decided that we needed a new toy-hauler to put the dune buggy in to take camping, so we spent all day yesterday and today shopping for and buying this bad boy:HOOYAH!!Yep, it's 30 feet long, sleeps 10 and has a garage built in it that could hold THREE dune buggies so if I go missing for days or weeks at a time this summer, you'll know why.Hey, don't be jealous!! I said it sleeps 10, didn't I?! There's room for ya!! ;)Anyhoo... it was great to come home and find all those great guesses on my WTF?! Friday Offensive so a BIG THANKS t...

The "WTF?! Friday" Offensive
2008-04-18 16:53:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's Friday again and time to play WTF?! Friday! Whoever plays along wins a special prize on Monday and whoever doesn't will be hearing from my team of lawyers because I will be irrevocably damaged emotionally and dammit, I will make you compensate me for it!!:)WTF?! is with my family tree?!!(Yes, that IS me, circa age 11!)So... sometime during the year when I was at the highly impressionable age of 11, my uncle on my Mom's side finished up years of work he had put in to researching our family genealogy.When he sent our family the copy of the book he had compiled, I was shocked and a bit traumatized to find out that in my veins coursed the blood of an infamous crazy person!!So... this should be easy...W(ho)TF?! do you suppose it is that I am directly related to??Was it:1) Rebecca Nurse ~ Crazy old lady hung for witchcraft in Salem Village, MA:2) Geronimo ~ Crazy Native American warrior:3) Vlad the Impaler ~ Crazy Romanian who inspired the story of Dracula:Go...

The "But I Don't Want to Grow Up!!!" Offensive
2008-04-17 08:40:00
So the other day I started to get a bit offended as I was trying to explain to my hubby all about why being grown up really isn't better than being a kid. He just didn't seem to get it and it was really pissing me off!!!I mean, how could he not understand that life was SO much easier before adulthood?I gave him so many reasons why I'd give anything to go back to that blissful time in my life before I worried about 'adult things'.Like, for instance, there was a time when I had NO idea that I'd have to grow up and worry so damn much about these people:Now, I not only worry, I want to do something to help them and I feel completely powerless, which really sucks.:*(Yeah.So I told him all about how I really enjoyed the complete ignorance I used to have when all I thought about China was this:Between you and me, why can't China just be about that cool ass wall and sweet and sour chicken, instead of all the other shit they do, which includes killing all those poor Tibetan people?!Fu...
More About: Grow

The "Hey, LOBO, You Can Run but You Can't Hide!!" Offensive
2008-04-17 00:06:00
OK, I admit that I was a bit offended after I found out that LOBO used me as a guinea pig for his little "Inside the Blogger Mind" Control Group experience. So, I decided I was going to seek revenge on him for his malicious portrayal of me as being some kind of maniacal blogger who only thinks about one thing - global annihilation:I know!!I mean, anyone who knows me knows this is simply NOT true!! I am much more like Mary Poppins than he gives me credit for:Honestly! That's the real me!!OK, so maybe I think about global domination but I don't want to annihilate everyone, I only want to annihilate the ignorant and the easily offended (which make up roughly 97.4% of the human race).Well, and now LOBO, who I added to my list for revenge purposes.Hey, I think it is very generous of me to leave almost 3% of the population intact! The world would be a much better place for me and whoever I allow to survive.Of course, since this is MY little fantasy, I would be the only female left and a...
More About: Lobo , Hide

The "Don't Offend the Midgets!!" Offensive
2008-04-15 20:15:00
An actual Dear Abby letter:DEAR ABBY: This is the third time the subject has come up in conversation, and we need an answer so we can stop arguing. The question: Is it OK to call a Little Person a midget or a dwarf? Should they just be referred to as Little People or LPs? Please tell me what is correct. -- LITTLE PROBLEM IN SEATTLE DEAR LITTLE PROBLEM: Most people of any height would prefer to be referred to by name rather than labeled. However, according to the Billy Barty Foundation, terms such as "dwarf," "little person," "LP" and "person of short stature" are all acceptable. The term "midget" is considered offensive by most people of short stature because the term dates back to 1865, the height of the "freak show" era, when it was applied to proportionate dwarves who were on display for public amusement.Now, I'm not so sure I agree with Dear Abby on this one, so I thought I'd interview a few dwarves, gnomes and leprechauns to get their take on this whole 'midget' vs...
More About: Offend

The "Yay! It's Monday!!" Offensive
2008-04-14 08:20:00
Hey, no offense to all of you Monday haters out there, but I happen to love Mondays!! Yep, it's my favorite day of the week and do you know why? Because from now on, Mondays are when I'll be posting the true stories behind my new WTF?! Friday Offensives.That's right, and in case you missed the last one, here is the title, picture and clues:WTF?! Happened to my Sister's New Kitten???(Yes, that IS me circa age 8!!)1) my twin sized waterbed (with a Hello Kitty comforter, of course!)2) my sister's best friend's sleep over party that I was NOT invited to! :(3) the park around the corner4) my Hello Kitty lunch box5) a shiny, new, 1980 quarterNow, needless to say, I received some VERY funny (and incredibly inaccurate!) guesses at this one, (and unfortunately a few of the comments were lost in the shuffle while I was trying to install my new comment thingy ugh!), but you can read most of the comments that they left here.Oh, and before I forget, everyone who entered wins a virtual trip...

The Weekender Offender
2008-04-12 19:18:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and I am too tired to do anything except to dedicate this Weekend Offender to Dan over at Disqus for helping me fix my brand new comment thingy!! I spent hours yesterday trying to install it, and messed it all up (because I suck!) but he really helped me out and it should be working with this new post, and all my old Blogger comments should be back where they are supposed to be so... Hooyah!! :)Anyhoo... since I had such a hard time with my comment thingy, I decided to leave my WTF?! Friday Offensive up all weekend long to give everyone a chance to play along, and so I have time to properly recant the whole TRUE sordid tale for you on Monday!! So go one post down and play along, and also, here is a link to some really FUNNY comments that were kinda lost in the shuffle on Friday but luckily were saved at Disqus:http://offendedblogger.disqus.com/ the_wtf_friday_offensive/#comment-326398O h!! And then... ...well, then there is this comment......

The "WTF?! Friday" Offensive
2008-04-11 23:19:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's Friday again and time for my 2nd installment of WTF?! Friday!Hooyah!!The rules are SO simple! I give you a picture of myself along with 5 clues and you try to figure out the ugly facts of the TRUE offensive tale all on your own.I'll post the whole true and terribly sordid story from my traumatic childhood over the weekend on my Weekender Offender post.Whoever plays along will win something really great!!.(Last week it was free tacos from Jesus's taco truck!! Yumm!!)Ok!So... here is this week's picture and 5 clues, along with the title of the story:WTF?! Happened to my Sister's New Kitten???(Yes, that IS me circa age 8!!)1) my twin sized waterbed (with a Hello Kitty comforter, of course!)2) my sister's best friend's sleep over party that I was NOT invited to! :(3) the park around the corner4) my Hello Kitty lunch box5) a shiny, new, 1980 quarterGood luck figuring this one out!!:pThere are cute kittens missing over at humor-blogs.com too!!

The "You Like It, It Likes You!" Offensive
2008-04-10 18:45:00
So no offense, but I LOVE old things!! The older, the better! In fact, last year, I found this old 7-up can which I thought was so frigging cool, because not only was it old and rusty but it was obviously from the era before they made pop-tops on soda cans.Plus, whoever opened it with a can opener did so on the bottom, leaving it looking as though it had never been opened:See what I mean?!!I just love that can!!Yes, I am a dork, I admit it. :)It really cracks me up that the slogan on the 7UP cans back then was "You like it... it likes you!".Hahaha! People were so naive back then.So anyhoo, that got me to thinking, whoever is old enough to have carelessly tossed my little treasure off onto the side of the road where I found it is probably pretty damn old themselves by now!Then I started to wonder.....would I would love them as much as I love that old 7UP can?Hmmm....Then it dawned on me!!Oh my god, all those old bastards will be headed to Yellowstone any moment:UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!Yep, I ...

The "Good Old Days" Offensive
2008-04-08 18:42:00
No offense, but don't you miss the good old days?! I know I do! People are all so frigging uptight now, most of them are sporting those big offending sticks up their asses, and it really pisses me off.I mean, back in the good old days, people were so much happier!They didn't worry about every little thing, they just lived life to the fullest and they encouraged their kids to do the same:Honestly, do you see that level of father/son happiness today?!No, you do not, because people are so frigging uptight now, and would rather be miserable bastards and since misery loves company, they want their kids to be miserable little bastards, too.Ugh.Kids were much happier back in the good old days, probably because they were allowed to smoke candy cigarettes and play with real toys:Hey, we both know that nothing makes a kid happier than shooting at other kids with their barrel smoking, cylinder revolving, Bullet Loading Fanner 50!!It's no wonder kids are miserable today!!You tell me, isn't ...
More About: Days , Good , Good Old Days , The Good

The "Church Signs Say the Darndest Things Part 2" Offensive
2008-04-06 20:48:00
I don't know why, but Sundays always make me feel like casting aside my offensive thoughts to take the time to contemplate the deeper, more spiritual things in my life. It is a day for reflecting on all my blessings and to really work on being a better person.OK, I'm lying, Sundays make me really only think of two things:1) I wish Jesus's taco truck was open today.2) The church sign generator is too much frigging fun to play with!My first round of church signs still brings more traffic to my blog than any other post to date so I thought it was time for round 2.Enjoy!!:)They say the darnedest things over at humor-blogs.com too!!
More About: Church , Signs , Part , Things , The Church

The Weekender Offender
2008-04-05 18:32:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to my older brother and sister, as well as my therapist who has really helped me to get over all of the offenses that those two bastards committed against me as a child!!Ugh.If you only knew!!!I was seriously traumatized by them.Seriously!!Anyhoo... for my WTF?! Friday Offensive, I gave you, my #1 fan, a picture of my sad self circa age 10, along with a list of clues that told the whole sordid tale of the terrible offense that I had to endure.SOME of you were so very, very, VERY close that I couldn't believe you hadn't somehow been part of the sick and twisted sibling conspiracy that was formulated at my house to silence my small, yet very, very insistent voice that I possessed as a tiny, defenseless non-offender!!The rest of you were soooooooo far off, it wasn't even funny.OK, I take that back, it was funny, in fact every one of them were all HILARIOUS so thank you for playing along and you a...

The "WTF?! Friday Challenge" Offensive
2008-04-04 05:57:00
That's right, I did make up my own cool 'day of the week thing', like Wordless Wednesday or Half Naked Thursday (which I chickened out of today) and I am calling mine "WTF?! Friday Challenge " and you better participate or I will say WTF?! and probably Fatwa you, too.The rules are simple!!I start by giving you a picture and some clues, and then you get to try and tell the whole "Offensive" story of the picture with the clues I give you!!It SOUNDS pretty easy, huh?!Hehe, we'll see. :)So for my 1st installment of WTF?! Friday, I am starting with this picture of me at around age 10:Now, here is a list of things that tell the story of that picture:1) duct tape2) babysitting 3) a MEAN older brother and sister4) a very, very, VERY dark coat closet5) a cassette tape recorderSoooooo, can you tell the story with these clues??Come on, give it your best shot!!!!I'll post the whole sad and sordid tale over the weekend but whoever figures it out first wins... ummm, let's see... how about ...

The "Cute, Cuter, Cutest!" Offensive
2008-04-03 18:15:00
No offense, but some things are just SOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE it makes me sick. Especially little things. They are always the cutest. I dare you to name one thing that isn't cute in a minature version!Just one.Oh, heh, OK, well yeah, you're right about that one thing.Those things are better when they come in large size, even extra, EXTRA large.Hooyah!!Anyhoo... now I'm all flustered. Ugh. You are such a pervert!!Now what the hell was I talking about??OH YEAH!Everything else is better miniaturized, take for instance these:I KNOW!!! What sort of evil bastard could look at that thing and bash their head in with a club?!Ugh.They are so damn cute, just like this little guy:Awwwwwwwww....Yep, cute, cute, cute!!!!Hell, even these are cute, all condensed and stuff:Pretty damn yummy, too.Hey, they are too!You just have no taste. :(Oh, but one of the CUTEST miniature things ever created by evil genius humans like myself who wield the power of genetic mutation has to be these:Yes, those ARE real ...
More About: Cute

The "Wordless Wednesday" Offensive
2008-04-02 20:00:00
Scariest bitch EVER::pFlying monkey's live at humor-blogs.com
More About: Wednesday

The "You Really Suck and That's Sad!" Offensive
2008-04-01 10:23:00
No offense, but I found this and it reminded me of you:It's true!!So between me and you, tell me, what the hell happened to you anyway? Let me guess, did your mommy not breastfeed you as a child, or what?Ugh.Honest, please stop coming here because I really can't stand you and your obnoxious comments anymore.Hey, I'm serious!In fact, Jesus hates you too, so stop going over to his taco truck. He told me today that he thinks you are such a whiny bitch and he pisses in your jalepeno juice.Haha! I know!!You deserve it too.Really!!Between you and me, I've never really liked you, I just put up with you because I feel sorry for you.Heh.My days of feeling sorry for you and being nice are over, I am going to be a rude bitch from now on,.What, you don't fucking believe I can do it? Just ask Truckindog! He knows.So, uh, see ya, loser.Hey, don't give me that look.I mean it.Don't let the door hit your sorry ass on the way out!!Oh... alright...Awwwww, you know I love you, you're my #1 fan!...
More About: Suck

The "Yes, I DID Sink your Battleship!!" Offensive
2008-03-31 23:21:00
You know, I'm not quite sure why, but as far back as I can remember there has been a heavy emphasis on naval and sea-faring advertising aimed at children. I mean, during my childhood, these particular ones were major influences on me:OK, maybe they didn't influence me at all and were just my favorites, but still! It wasn't just them trying to sell me on a life of swabbing the deck, either.There was also:Charlie the TunaThe Gorton's FishermanThe Love BoatOld Spice cologneFlipper rerunsCharles from the Match Game (when he wore his sailor's hat)Yosemite SamMy Dad who was a career Navy sailor in real life..to name just a few!!Oh, and who can forget these two icons of the time:Haha, yeah!I'm telling you, if that stupid "In the Navy" song wasn't playing on the radio or being performed live by the Village Dorks on American Bandstand, Mary Poppin's infamous Admiral Boom was always on the Saturday afternoon movie.I loved Admiral Boom, really.He was cool the way he was always firing o...
More About: Battleship

The Weekender Offender
2008-03-29 14:00:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to George, my neighbor's dog.Yep, good old George.He really is a sweet dog, aside from the fact that thanks to his dumbass owners, he is free to roam the neighborhood day and night, crapping in everyone's yards, rummaging in our open garages or getting into the trash cans that he knocks over.His favorite past time is trampling our flowerbeds and generally being a real pain the the ass all over the neighborhood.In fact, once it warms up enough, it won't be long before he sees me outside working on these again:(Yep, that IS the little waterfall and pond me and hubby built together last year! Pretty nice, huh? ;)Anyhoo, we have tons of planting to do around it this year, so once he sees us out there, he'll be like this:Ugh.He thinks if I am digging in the dirt, he should come and join me!!Yep, and even when I'm not out there, he'll still keep on running over to crap in my yard, dig in my pond ...

The "No, YOU Get A Life!!" Offensive
2008-03-28 07:14:00
Now don't get all offended on me, that sticky note wasn't written about you, I wrote it for myself because, dammit, I really do need to get a life! I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery, but it took me a long time to even realize I didn't have a life!In fact, I only recognized that I had a problem when last night on that show "Intervention" they had some total loser named Bob on there who wasn't a crack head or a drunk or some freaky, wild eyed guy hopped up on Rockstar playing Guitar Hero 24/7 in his mom's attic.Nooo, Bob was way worse than all of them combined.Bob was addicted to this:Yeah. I know.I think I might be just like Bob too!!!Well, except he has twelve of those stupid "Blog Yourself Filthy Rich in 10 Days!" blogs, and I only have this one.Yep, and I'm not even abusing it. I'm more of a recreational offender and I only offend myself every few days, really. Heck, I don't even read any of the comments or anything!!OK, that isn't exactly t...
More About: Life , Get a life

The "My Treasured Treasures" Offensive
2008-03-26 07:26:00
So after I went over and saw my good friend VE and told him about the rather offensive grilled cheese sandwich I used to have that had an uncanny image of Larry King breastfeeding Michael Bolton mysteriously scorched onto it, I got to thinking about all the great stuff I've collected over the years.Believe me, if you are a discerning collector like myself, ebay it is where you will find the most marvelous and intriguing items in the whole wide world, all of which are just a click away if you've got enough money in your Paypal account and a little bit of fortitude!!Welllll.... it also helps if you are an evil genius hacker like myself and can break into the system to insure you always win the bidding war.Hooyah!Anyhoo, here are just a few rare and exotic items that I've added to my collection of rare and exotic items, I thought you'd appreciate them, especially if you are a fan of collecting rare and exotic items yourself!!First up is my Donna Dixon limited edition, freeze dried ...
More About: Treasures

The "Deliverance" Offensive
2008-03-25 01:16:00
Hey, um, no offense if you are a fan of Chelle B., but uhh, she just left in my monster truck to go get some tacos and I don't have much time before she comes back so I'll make this quick.Being of the penile persuasion and all, I normally wouldn't ask anyone for help, but damn, I've been chained this bed of rusty nails now for... well, for however long it has taken for my own rust colored toenails to grow to such an obscene length that I can finally reach across the room and use them to type this pathetic plea for help out to you on her computer!!Yeah, I know.It IS disturbing.Hey, just be glad that you aren't me!You could be the poor bastard who has had to lay here, day in and day out, just wishing you could twist your foot around enough so that the grotesque, keratinized appendages that you've sharpened into a prison quality shivs by filing them against the concrete wall of your cold, barren cell would pierce clean through your jugular and end your miserable freaking existenc...

The Weekender Offender
2008-03-22 22:34:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and guess who this Weekender Offender is dedicated to!!You got it, it is dedicated to Uncle Sam and the good ol' US of A.Why, you ask?!Are you kidding me?!Heh.Just ask anybody you know who the biggest offender in the world is, and they will tell you, "uh, it's AMERICA. Everyone knows that!!".Bwahahahaha, it's true, too.Hey, not only are we the biggest offender, but did you know that we are also the most EVIL offender on planet earth?!!That's right.America IS evil and if you think about it, it only makes sense, since yours truly IS the antichrist and a happy and proud American.In fact, I wrote all about it over at The Offended American earlier, so run over and read it right now.Hey, don't give me that look.You and I both know that you have nothing better to do, and besides, you really have no choice but to do what I say so go read it right now.Go on.I'm not kidding, you really do have to go read it, and now you also have to leave me...

The "Put the Binoculars Down" Offensive
2008-01-01 22:13:00
Dear Abby, why am I such a pervert??? An actual Dear Abby letter... ..... If sight of naked neighbor offends, draw the curtains... Dear Abby: I have lived next door to the "Smiths" for 18 years. They're nice people. When problems have arisen, they have helped me out, and I have done the same for them. We're good neighbors and friends. I have known the Smiths' children their whole lives. Their

The "Greener Pastures Out West" Offensive
2007-12-30 06:58:00
I truly live in paradise...well, I did... I just love living in this part of Idaho!! I mean look at that picture, you know it makes you jealous, I mean who wouldn't love living here?? Can't you just smell the fresh air, pine cones and deer scat?? Yep, people from all over the planet pay small fortunes to spend just a few days in my backyard, pretending that they are cowboys and cowgirls,
More About: West

The Weekender Offender
2007-12-29 03:48:00
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!For this Weekender Offend er , I am continuing my special series that deals with race and stereotyping.We seem so hyper-sensitive to anyone saying anything that could be perceived as offensive nowadays, to the point where even innocent childhood sayings like 'indian giver' have practically become hate speech. Feel free to disagree, but I personally
More About: Fender

The "Mr. Friday Blog Rush Inspector Guy" Offensive
2007-12-28 20:51:00
Yes, folks, lightning can strike twice!! So, in between fuming over being snubbed by Montana and interviewing Helen's breasts, I found some spare time and applied with Blog Rush , the premiere blog network. Then, after reading of their "strict, high quality standards" I just knew I was going to be turned down!! I couldn't have felt much lower after what Montana and Google had done to me, but I
More About: Friday , Inspector

The "Banned British Breasts Speak Out" Offensive
2007-12-28 09:36:00
In an Offended Blogger exclusive, Chelle B. sits down for a candid interview with Helen's breasts. They reveal the truth about what really happened in Christchurch that fateful night. Here is a partial transcript: Leftit: "We weren't the real reason Helen was expelled from the casino, and we are sick of taking the bloody blame!" Rightit: "Bloody well right! We were hardly the most
More About: British , Breasts , Speak , Banned