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Sad News
2007-09-11 02:19:00
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
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No Refills?
2007-09-07 03:09:00
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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The Living Will
2007-09-06 13:34:00
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's Such A Bitch.....
More About: Jokes , Living

Jennifer Lopez Fantasy
2007-09-06 13:14:00
That old geezer should be so lucky. That's Jennifer Lopez all right, butt at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.
More About: Photos , Fantasy

That's from grandma
2007-09-04 12:28:00
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma ."
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Special senior rates
2007-08-30 23:29:00
An elderly gentleman went to a ranch and asked for the rates. "Well," began the ranch director, "For people your age we charge an extra $50 a day." "50 dollars a day!" yelped the old timer, "You must be putting me on!" "No," said the director, "that would be an additional 20 dollars."
More About: Senior , Special , Rates , Rate

World's oldest Neurosurgeon turns 100
2007-08-23 13:55:00
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/wor lds_oldest_neurosurgeon_turns
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How to feel good
2007-08-20 19:00:00
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and last night I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos and the remainder of my old Prozac prescription. You have no idea how FREAKING GOOD I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
More About: Random Thoughts , Good , Feel , Feel Good

Old Volunteer Firefighters
2007-08-20 18:53:00
One dark night outside a small town in Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and Il will give $50,000.00 to the fire department thatbrings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Mundare Rural Township Volunteer Fire Department, composed mainly of Ukrainian men over the age of...
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Health News
2007-08-19 12:24:00
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.
More About: News , Health , Health News , Heal

Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes
2007-08-15 11:34:00
The New York Times, August 15, 2007 - Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.'' Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared.
More About: News , Homes , Therapy , Nursing

Texas Three Kick Rule
2007-08-12 18:09:00
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas T hree-Kick -Rule ." The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickl...
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Elderly Pre-Nups
2007-08-07 19:26:00
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married. She said, ?I want to keep my house.? He said, ?That's fine with me.?She said, ?And I want to keep my Cadillac.? He said, ?That's fine with me.? She said, ?And I want to have sex 6 times a week.? He said, ?That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.?
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What a difference a hundred years makes
2007-08-07 19:19:00
The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907. The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as ?substandard.? Sugar cos...
More About: News , Years , Difference , Year , Ferenc

Gravity and aging
2007-08-02 19:25:00
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day... like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried.
More About: News , Aging , Ravi

Nice ass
2007-07-30 17:16:00
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" "Your name never came up..." she replied.
More About: Jokes , Nice

Got a good caption?
2007-07-26 13:36:00
Prince Charles of Wales or Royal Dirty Old Man. Got a good caption? Leave a comment.
More About: Photos , Good , T A G , Caption

I'm coming back to haunt you.
2007-07-23 20:00:00
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! "Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave, and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down . . . "
More About: Jokes , Back , Haunt , Ming

Super Granny
2007-07-18 03:16:00
Is it the supernatural powers of Russian women?Or maybe it?s just a photoshoped image?No! This boulder is from pumice-stone, the lightweight mineral which is formed from volcano lava. So even the boulder of such size can be lifted easily. And not only by Russian women.
More About: News , Super , Granny

Grandma's don't know everything
2007-07-11 18:54:00
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said,"Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
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On getting old
2007-07-04 13:46:00
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know. Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father/mother!), but I don?t agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I?ve aged, I?ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I?ve become my own friend.I don?t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn?t ...
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Having kids causes old age
2007-06-26 18:59:00
There's been a lot in the news lately about the scientific community's research on aging. If they can identify the factors that make people age, scientists say it will make a big step toward longer lives for all of us. At the risk of putting a lot of scientists out of work, there's really no big mystery. Having kids causes old age. I don't have a lot of studies, charts, and analytical data to support that. All I do is offer myself as "Exhibit A." Before I became a father, I was a young man. My stomach was flat, my skin was smooth, and my body parts did not creak. Then my first kid came out of the delivery room. I became an old man on the drive home from the hospital. My back went first. Their mother got the stretch marks, but I got the slipped disc from loading 700 pounds of port-a-potties into the trunk of the car every time we took a trip that lasted longer than half an hour. After 8,000 miles of horsey-back rides across the kitchen floor, I had blisters on my palms, calluses ...
More About: Kids , Random Thoughts , Ving , Old Age

Long legs
2007-06-26 18:43:00
While watching TV with my grandson, we saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist. "Why do they wear gowns like that grandpa?" he asked. "Maybe that style makes their legs look longer?" I speculated. "No," he said, "I think it makes the men look longer." Smart kid my grandson!
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Bless you
2007-06-21 19:38:00
The little girl atarted: "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," "You are? Why?" the old man asks her. "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course I have, dear," the old fellow says. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
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You gotta kill 'em while they're small
2007-06-21 19:23:00
An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he'd never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger. Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO.... Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper. His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea kettle?" ...
More About: Jokes , Small , While , Kill , Gott

Don't fart in bed
2007-06-19 23:39:00
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his unde...
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So your available...
2007-06-12 18:55:00
A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I used to live here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "What did they put you in prison for?" He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife." "Oh!," says the woman. "So you're single..."
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Raisin bread
2007-06-05 03:21:00
A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder,...
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Do it every night
2007-05-22 19:06:00
Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly home, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many times can you do it?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every night!!?????" "Yup! Almost on Monday, Almost on Tuesday, Almost on Wednesday,.........."
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Too old to squat!
2007-05-19 16:00:00
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"
More About: Jokes , Squat , Quat