I Do Things So You Don't Have ToI Do Things So You Don't Have ToToo embarrassed to visit a nude beach? Too nervous to get your wisdom teeth pulled? Don't worry. I Do Things So You Don't Have To. Articles
I Find It Kinda Funny, I Find It Kinda Sad so you don?t have to
2009-04-14 15:05:00 I find it hard to tell you ‘cuz I find it hard to take This picture came from this site Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man. Now I’ve done it. I’ve turned a corner of shame and I can’t go back. Ever. You guys! Since 2002, I’ve enjoyed American Idol without shame. I didn’t care ... More About: Funny , Find , Kinda
Am I an Idiot so you don?t have to be?
2009-04-12 15:49:00 TRUTH OR TYPO? Please clicken to enlargen. I crave link love as much as the next blogger, but sometimes, I have to wonder. Is this a compliment or an insult? A forgivable mistake or an intentional misspelling? Should I feel grossed out or awesome? Truth or typo? You tell me. More About: Idiot
I Snapped That Fetus
2009-04-08 15:18:00 Fetus on the driveway I know, I know it’s serious Marzipan baby courtesy of About.com Look out, Windy. There’s a new freak show in town. That’s right—it’s still alive. After being run over, rained on, snowed on, and walked on. It’s still alive, still orange, still lying in a fetal position on my driveway. Of course I’m talking about the fetus. Remember? In ... More About: Fetus
I Asked ?Cake or Death? so you don?t have to
2009-04-04 16:35:00 And I’ll never have that recipe again Two bad things happened to me this week. On my way to the store, I saw an orange blob on the driveway that looked EXACTLY like a very tiny fetus. I made a note to get my camera and take a picture when I returned, but then I accidentally drove ... More About: Cake , Death
I Did a Sleep Study
2009-04-01 16:21:00 You think you’re tired now, but wait until three Buy this clock here! 0 What if I did a sleep study and nothing funny happened? I guess I’d write about it anyway. Maybe some of you would like to know what went on. I was to report at 7:30 PM, which, conveniently, is my bedtime. The only “special prep” ... More About: Study , Sleep
I Got a Tube Shoved Up My Nose so you don?t have to
2009-03-27 15:30:00 That?s okay with me I?ll cry later on Last week a kindly doctor performed an act upon my body so vile, so heinous, so . . . anatomically bizarre that I can only call it rape. Rape of the nose. Remember my goiter? Well, my thyroid doctor thinks it may be crushing my throat when I sleep ... More About: Tube , Nose
I?m Watching the Chicks so you don?t have to
2009-03-25 14:01:00 Every breath you take Every peep you make I’ll be watching you Image courtesy of Hosting with the Most Zing OK. I’m exhausted. I watched almost all day yesterday. I didn’t get any work done. Then I was up all night. Watching . Worrying. Waiting. Wondering. I need some help. I’m looking for volunteers, but if no one steps up, I’ll start ... More About: Chicks
I Will Make a Match
2009-03-21 18:31:00 Look through your book, And make me a perfect match This is the first of the “I Do Things By Request” series. Recently Jen from Redhead Ranting made a humble request of I Do Things: Would you find me a worthy date on Match .com? I?m already a member but am far too lazy to peruse all the different ... More About: Make
I Do Focus Groups
2009-03-19 15:08:00 Call me any day or night A few months ago I got paid $150 to talk about cheese. Sweet gig, right? Yup, even in these troubled times, focus groups are still paying good money, and seeing how my unofficial title is the Wizard of Cheese, this cheesly study was right up my alley. Even better than the cash ... More About: Focus , Groups
I Crush Children?s Dreams
2009-03-15 15:22:00 Oh, hello! Who’s this friendly fellow? I was hoping you could tell me. You know those flyers you get from landscaping companies? They get shoved in your door and inevitably fall off, littering your yard, so that more landscaping companies are attracted to your poor ugly lawn and stick more flyers in your door? Usually I just pluck the ... More About: Dreams , Children , Crush
I Have a New Foot
2009-03-12 13:27:00 It’s nothin’ dangerous I feel no pain A warning: THERE WILL BE BLOOD Only, like, a drop. But still, I wish someone had warned me. My de-bunionized foot was unveiled today! After 2 long weeks, the gauze bandage would be removed and my foot would once again breathe fresh air. This all would have been a lot more exciting ... More About: Foot
I Eat Expensive Ice Cream
2009-03-07 16:33:00 If you eat your ice cream really fast It starts to make your head hurt In this time of economic hardship, we are trying to cut back on some of our luxuries, such as US Magazine and cat food. NO! I’m kidding. I can’t live without US Magazine. The cats, however, can live on table scraps and ... More About: Ice Cream , Cream
I?m So Vein
2009-03-03 15:48:00 It’s just a jab in my vein Making me scream out in pain again Image courtesy of D at Seafood Punch! Oh, how I wish I could describe for you exactly what goes on during a bunionectomy. But for some weird reason, they insist on knocking you out if there’s going to be any bone-sawing, so you’ll have ... More About: Vein
I Had a Bunionectomy
2009-02-28 17:27:00 Wheeeee! I am officially bunionless! Thank you to everyone who wished me well, and to those who didn’t? HA! It went just fine anyway. I wonder why all this bunion talk has made me so hungry for Funyuns? ANYway, I’m done. And since I’m currently at this moment NOT swallowing handfuls of Vicodin, I thought I’d answer some of ...
Musing Does Things
2009-02-25 04:00:00 Image courtesy of AllPosters.com Hey, do you all know Musing from Blogtations? Musing collects and showcases hundreds of mostly humorous quotations from bloggers everywhere! It’s an awesome and addictive site. But today she’s HERE at I Do Things writing a guest post because, thanks to foot surgery—TODAY!—I have been really busy. Please enjoy! I Avoid Housework so ...
I Am Done with the Californian so you don?t have to be
2008-12-02 17:09:00 It’s over, it’s over . . . It’s over. No, I mean it. This time it’s really over. I’m never going back. I don’t care how the memories of our first encounter torment me. You have betrayed me one too many times. I can no longer trust you. Oh, Californian . You and I could have had such ...
I Improvise so you don?t have to
2008-11-29 17:31:00 My hair like Jesus wore it Hallelujah, I adore it Look, I didn’t get where I am today without a lot of on-the-fly thinking and improvisational wizardry. Who else but JD could come up with this dog poo scraper-off-er? That’s just pure genius AND it came right off the top of my head, yo. So a few weeks ago I ...
I AM BACK! (almost) so you don?t have to be
2008-11-26 15:51:00 You wanna WHAT with me? I’m a tell you one time don’t f*** with me (Note! Video contains swear words, but this song is SO AWESOME!) So . . . yeah. Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and comments of support. Last night when I wondered why the hell I do this, today I remembered: it’s all the great ... More About: Back
I Got Hacked
2008-11-26 01:45:00 Yup! Some asshole decided to insert a malicious file into one of my WordPress folders and down went my site. Luckily, I have a great tech guy at BlueHost, plus a few tricks up my own sleeve. I was back up in less than an hour. I plan to get my Entrecard, Project Wonderful, and BlogHer ... More About: Hacked
I (Probably) Have a Worm in My Brain
2008-11-24 15:47:00 I’m not a real doctor, But I am a real worm I’ll admit I’m fairly suggestible when it comes to other people’s illnesses. If someone has a cold, I start to sniffle. If someone suffers from gout, my foot throbs. If someone has erectile dysfunction, I have phantom penis pain. If someone has a worm in her ... More About: Worm , Brain
I Fantasize About Tim Gunn
2008-11-20 16:15:00 One week he’s in polka-dots The next week he’s in stripes Photo courtesy of maki No, sillies, I don’t fantasize like that. Tim Gunn is old enough to be my . . . well, geez, he’s only 54. I guess he’s not old enough to be my dad. BUT! He’s gay enough to be my gay best friend. My ...
I Was a Dumbass Hoosier
2008-11-17 14:05:00 Who else likes David Letterman? Who else watched his show a lot in the 1980s, during the Larry “Bud” Melman and Stupid Pet Tricks heyday? Who else thought it might be fun to try to get on the show? Who else wrote him a letter and sent a series of dumbass photos to achieve this goal? Who else formed ... More About: Dumbass
I Am Car-Illiterate
2008-11-13 14:58:00 You look like you can handle what’s under my hood “That was fast. Did you fly here?” This is the comment that greets me every single time I walk into our auto mechanic’s shop, despite the fact that Eric, our “car guy,” knows full well that I live right around the corner. But we have to have the ...
I?m TRYING to Sleep Late
2008-11-10 13:51:00 Are you sleeping? Still dreaming, Still drifting off Hey, dude, I’m trying to sleep! The whole point of weekends is to sleep late, right? But I can’t force myself to sleep later than I do on weekdays. Perhaps that’s because I get up whenever I want during the week. Yeah, suckers, that’s right. I don’t set an alarm, I ... More About: Sleep , Late
I Announce the Results of My Terrifying Contest
2008-11-06 15:35:00 OK, enough election talk. Let’s get back to the important stuff. Without further ado, here are the results of the Top Ten Terrifying Things Contest ! 1. In my wild youth, I accepted LSD from a total stranger. And TOOK it!—TRUTH! I’m sorry to disappoint the following people for thinking I’m too smart and sensible to ever take LSD, ... More About: Results
I?m Moving so you don?t have to
2008-09-08 14:32:00 Leaving the note that she hoped would say more “Honey, I don’t want to scare you . . . ” I clutched my triple venti vanilla latte and held my breath. What was Dave about to tell me? I had made the mistake of watching Kairo the night before—the original Japanese version of the horror movie ... More About: Moving
I Research Kittens so you don?t have to
2008-09-05 15:49:00 Cat I’m a kitty cat And I dance, dance, dance It’s been very sciency here at I Do Things, what with discovering new illnesses and such. In keeping with that theme, I decided to tackle an issue that’s probably even more important than a life-threatening disease. (clears throat in scientific manner) Kittens , despite what you may think, are complex mammals. ... More About: Research
I Invented a Disease so you don?t have to
2008-09-03 10:14:00 Dancing screaming itching squealing fevered Feeling hot hot hot!!! Well, so far, I haven’t begun to display any symptoms of the dreaded Canadian Hot Dog Mysteriosis. But let’s not get too cocky. I may have Humidity Sickness. Is there such a thing? If there isn’t, there should be. I’ve Googled several variations of the term and I can’t find anything ... More About: Disease
I Wrote an Entrecard Song so you don?t have to
2008-08-30 15:46:00 NEXT DROP! < < The readers of this blog (Hi! I love you!) fall into four groups: People who participate in the Entrecard blogging network but don’t know the song “My My Metrocard” People who know the song “My My Metrocard” but don’t know about Entrecard People who participate in Entrecard AND know “My My Metrocard” People who have never heard of ... More About: Song , Wrote
I Cut My Hair so you don?t have to
More articles from this author:2008-08-28 16:18:00 Oh, say, can you see My eyes—if you can Then my hair’s too short Yo, I didn’t cut it myself. A nice guy named Tony cut it. 5 inches! 5 pounds! Here’s the before picture: AH HA HA HA HA! I’m kidding. Here’s the real before picture: Yikes! That looks like the scary Grudge girl. Here, quick, before you run and ... More About: Hair 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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