I Do Things So You Don't Have ToI Do Things So You Don't Have ToToo embarrassed to visit a nude beach? Too nervous to get your wisdom teeth pulled? Don't worry. I Do Things So You Don't Have To.
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I Am a Good Samaritan so you don?t have to be
2008-05-26 14:39:00 Wait in line ‘Til your time Every now and then, I like to do a nice thing to balance out all the not-so-nice things I do on a daily basis. One of the nice things I do is obey the “No turn on red” signs. I believe this makes up for the fact that I speed, tailgate ... More About: Good
I Cried When David Cook Won American Idol so you don?t have to
2008-05-23 17:38:00 Let your soul take you where you long to beeee! Man, of all the high-quality TV shows I watch—Real Housewives of Orange County, Hell’s Kitchen, Make Me a Supermodel—I’m gonna write about American Idol . Oh, well. I have a feeling there are a few other people out there familiar with this show. So I went to bed ... More About: David , Cook
I Am a Redhead so you don?t have to be
2008-05-21 14:52:00 When it comes to getting a dirty job done, I’ll take a red-headed woman Apparently, I’m a redhead. I don’t know when it happened. I’m not aware of coloring my hair or of my hair coloring itself, but in the last few years, people have started referring to me as a redhead. I’m not even remotely offended at being called ... More About: Redhead
I Listen to Commercials so you don?t have to
2008-05-17 17:04:00 It’s love It’s love It’s love It’s la la la la la la love How many of you know who Chris Knox is? (waits for a while . . . goes off to do laundry and watch a movie . . . wanders back) Well, to most of you, he’s the guy who sings the catchy/annoying song in the latest Heineken ... More About: Listen , Commercials
I Got Torn Apart so you don?t have to
2008-05-14 15:22:00 Tear me apart If you wanna win my heart To be more literal, I got f*%#ing torn apart so you don’t have to. But to be less literal, I didn’t get torn apart at all. Just kind of dented. YESSSS! The folks at Ask and Ye Shall Receive reviewed my blog. Here’s the deal: you bravely submit your blog ...
I Threw Out My Wedding Dress so you don?t have to
2008-05-12 20:12:00 And it used to be for a while That the river flowed right to my door Yesterday my mother-in-law asked me if I still had my wedding dress. Oh, how badly I wanted to lie. But I’m trying to be more honest—in speech if not in actions—so out came the truth, as gently as I could word it: Nope! I ... More About: Wedding , Dress , Wedding Dress
I Flush so you don?t have to
2008-05-09 15:53:00 Mirror in the bathroom Please don’t freak The door is locked It’s just JD I have sat on my last wet toilet seat. I mean it. No more public bathrooms. From now on, I’m just going to hold it. Voluntary urine retention doesn’t cause your bladder to burst, so as long as I can wait till I get home, I’m good ... More About: Flush
I Will Pimp My Snack so you don?t have to
2008-05-04 18:34:00 Roll in the Benz with me, you could watch TV From the backseat of my V, I’m a P-I-M-P (NSFW or my mom) So you never truly believed that my I Do Things services extended to pimping, did you? Well, buster, when it involves food, you’d best believe I will pimp a snack upside the head if need be. ... More About: Pimp , Snack
I Queue It so you don?t have to
2008-05-01 16:29:00 It’s better in the matinee The dark of the matinee is mine Yes, it’s miiiiiine When I’m not watching SNL clips or eppies of Hell’s Kitchen (ohhh, the shame) on Hulu, you’ll find me in the dark of the matinee that is my living room, watching a Netflix. In my little world, “Netflix” is synonymous with “DVD” or the ... More About: Queue
I Bought a Door so you don?t have to
2008-04-25 22:13:00 Guys with name tags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Wait! Where are you going? Don’t leave me here alone with my door story. Haven’t you heard? Door s are actually very funny and exciting to read about! You can tell, because I put an exclamation point at the end ...
I Am Famous (and More!) so you don?t have to be
2008-04-22 17:33:00 I’ll come back for the honey . . . and you So you’ve already read the famous I Embrace My Randomness post and thought, “Wow. There can’t be any more random things to know about JD.” Wrong! Behold: More random things I do so you don’t have to: 1. I draw. Look! I drew this: And this: Do you sense a ... More About: Famous
I Hulu so you don?t have to
2008-04-15 15:56:00 Look at me hypnotized and half alive, maybe it’s four or five Some parts are sleeping, some parts are paralyzed Just one more minute . . . just one more minute . . . Last night, Dave made a chilling announcement. At some point today, all our TVs will go dead as a result of outdated cable boxes. ... More About: Hulu
I Delete Spam so you don?t have to
2008-04-12 18:55:00 Viva! Viva! Viagra! Spam mers are getting really smart. I just received a plea for money from none other than Charles Brown, addressing me as his “DEARLY BELOVED.” Now, I am no one’s “dearly beloved”—much less in all caps, but! the subject line said, “Not Spam.” So I think it’s safe to assume that I’m going to inherit millions of ... More About: Delete
I Eat the Whole Donut so you don?t have to
2008-04-08 15:56:00 Boston Cream Sprinkles Gimme a dozen I think we all can agree: Donuts—or doughnuts, if you’re a stickler—are the food of the gods. A handheld confection, sometimes cake, sometimes raised, sometimes frosted, sometimes glazed, sometimes stuffed with goo, sometimes filled with only a lonely hole, donuts are the total package. A friend recently told me she’d eaten a donut and a ...
I?m Going Back to the Ponderosa Sun Club so you don?t have to
2008-04-05 17:24:00 For those of you who never even knew that I visited the Ponderosa Sun Club (PSC) in the first place, this re-post is for you. The suddenly popular “I Went to the Ponderosa Sun Club” post, originally published on 9-12-07, tells of Dave’s and my visit to a nudist resort last summer. But the real story ... More About: Back
I Am a WINNER so you don?t have to be
2008-04-03 16:21:00 I am the champion, my friend, And I’ll eat my BACON till the end Yes, it’s true. After months and months of selflessly handing out fabulous prizes to thousands of deserving I Do Things readers, JD has finally, FINALLY won a fabulous prize of her own. Thanks to Canucklehead and his brilliant contest (whereby a mere link to his ... More About: Winner
I Have Scoliosis so you don?t have to
2008-03-31 17:16:00 Whatchya doin? on your back? You should be dancing No, no, that’s not me in that picture. I’m tanner. Plus, my spine is a lot curvier. Which, when it comes to spines, is not desirable. As a kid, I had bad posture. “Stand up straight!” still rings in my ears, and if anyone says it to me today, ...
I Have a Crush on a Cartoon so you don?t have to
2008-03-25 14:30:00 I like to live like I’m in a cartoon Yes, I’m chasing you all around the room I have a crush on a cartoon. But it’s not some dumb Looney Tunes character. It’s one of those crazy Charles Schwab commercials. They took what must’ve once been a real guy and then cartoonized him. He looks cute! Why can’t ... More About: Cartoon , Crush
I Take Pix so you don?t have to
2008-03-23 16:07:00 Could you take my picture ‘Cause I won’t remember How often have you said to yourself, If only pictures could talk. Never? Well, pretend you said it. What would pictures say about you? More importantly, what would pictures say about me? For today and today only, I will open up my home to the roving eye of the ...
I Announce the Winners of the Vocabulary Skillzzz Contest! so you don?t hav
2008-03-19 13:56:00 (Deafening roar of cheering crowds followed by stunned, awed silence) The Vocabulary Skillzzz Contest (s) is/are over, and we have our winners! From the original contest Kathy from The Junk Drawer: The people who can’t understand JD’s invidious tendencies toward bananas and pickles are the same ones who are puzzled why similarly-shapen hot dogs make the grade. JD would have ... More About: Winners
I?m Finally Wrapping Up this Vocab Contest so you don?t have to
2008-03-18 13:38:00 Whee! It’s Judgment Day for all of you who entered my revised Vocabulary Skillzzz contest. As you may recall, the original contest featured words that were probably too obscure to be fun, yet! There were two worthy entrants and therefore, two winners. I revised the contest to include the much more familiar words Vicodin, underpants, and nude, and ... More About: Contest , Finally
I Get to the Bottom of This Green Potato Business so you don?t have to
2008-03-16 16:25:00 Don’t believe what you read Do you believe what you read? No, I don’t believe what I read There are a lot of food myths and urban legends floating around out there. What to believe? Whom can you trust? By God, is anything safe to eat in these troubled times? The answer is yes. But also no. For example: I ... More About: Business , Green , Potato , Bottom
I Give Out FABulous Prizes so you don?t have to
2008-03-13 14:13:00 Hey, everyone! There’s still time to enter my fabulous Vocabulary Skillzzz contest. What’s at stake? Read this to find out how to enter and what you might possibly win. You’re up against some stiff competish, tho. Here are the current entries: dcr blogs: If you have sensitivity in your nether regions, try taking Vicodin so you no longer feel ... More About: Prizes , Give
I Cook Things so you don?t have to
2008-03-11 15:13:00 She knows how to please me, All she’s gotta do is tease me Hello. You know those cooking/food blogs that show a photo of every single step of the recipe in stunning detail? First there’s a picture of an egg in its carton. Then the glistening egg on a plate. Then the egg being cracked into a bowl. ... More About: Things , Cook
I Put My Clothes Back on so you don?t have to
2008-03-08 17:01:00 Underneath my clothes There’s an endless story Yes, I’m fully covered. All you squeamish readers can come on back. The nudity is gone, covered up with underwear, pants, shirts, sweaters, coats, scarves, gloves, hats, and hoods. But underneath all those layers remains the most awesome tan ever. I wish you could see it. Specifically, I wish you could ... More About: Clothes , Back
I?m Still Rewarding Vocab Skillzzzz so you don?t have to
2008-03-06 17:34:00 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO A big thank you to the two entrants who were brave enough and smart enough and silly enough to participate in my fabulous vocabulary contest: Canucklehead! Kathy from The Junk Drawer! But there’s still one prize left. And since the previous list of vocab words was obviously too annoying for all but two of you (hey, I had to look ...
I Have a Suntanned Butt so you don?t have to
2008-03-04 20:14:00 Yo, I’m back! And I’m really not too unhappy about it. Re-entry can be difficult, especially coming from sunny, 80’s, lazy, nude to cloudy, cold, work, clothes. Two years ago, when we returned from Jamaica, I literally had to take to my bed for a week. I just couldn’t deal with anything. This year, tho. I’m ... More About: Butt
I Reward Good Vocabulary so you don?t have to
2008-02-26 22:25:00 What are words for When no one listens anymore Ahoy, mon! I’m lolling on a beach in Jamaica so you don’t have to. While I’m selflessly and not at all begrudgingly performing this service for you, why not take this opportunity to brush up on your vocab skillz? And because I believe that learning should be fun, prizes will ... More About: Vocabulary , Good , Reward
I Am At This Moment Lying on a Nude Beach so you don?t have to
2008-02-25 15:05:00 Take me back to the place that I know On the beach “This time next week, it’s a pretty good bet I won’t be wearing pants.” The context in which this quote was uttered by Dave is irrelevant. All you need to know is that he’s referring to our vacation to Jamaica and the— Oh, wait. I totally have ... More About: Beach , Moment , Lying
I Make Your Day so you don?t have to
More articles from this author:2008-02-21 15:07:00 Make my day Make my day Make my make my make make my day Yo! Go on, admit it. I make your day. And best of all, I do it so you don’t have to. Actually, is it even humanly possible for someone to make their own day? “I made my day.” That doesn’t sound right. What does sound ... More About: Make 1, 2 |
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