I Do Things So You Don't Have ToI Do Things So You Don't Have ToToo embarrassed to visit a nude beach? Too nervous to get your wisdom teeth pulled? Don't worry. I Do Things So You Don't Have To. 
Articles
I?ve About Had It with That One Lady in My Pole Class so you don?t have to
2009-08-07 15:32:00 From the top of the pole I watch her go down May pole dancers come from here You know the lady I mean. Every class has one. The know-it-all. The can’t-shut-up. The teacher’s pet. In my Zumba class, that person is me! Hahahaha. But so what? Until I read a post titled “I’ve About Had It ... More About: Lady , Class , Pole
I Was Attacked by Birds
2009-08-03 14:41:00 The young ones are hungry Their nests are so bare Even today, I wake up screaming. That doesn”t happen, actually. The “wake up screaming” part. But I thought it’d be a more dramatic way to start this post than “One day I was walking along and a bird attacked me.” Yes. Singular bird. Also less dramatic than the ... More About: Birds , Attacked
They Call Me Julia
2009-07-31 13:52:00 That’s not my name That’s not my name That’s not my name That’s not my name So you know me as JD and—DON’T PANIC! I am JD. But that’s not what my parents named me. They named me Julia . Isn’t that a pretty name? Oh, you’d better be agreeing. I was almost a Lisa and almost a Zelda. Lisa would’ve ... More About: Call
I ?Read? at BlogHer (Drugged)
2009-07-28 16:06:00 [Edited to add: I am an idiot. Thank you to Junk Drawer Kathy for dragging around that damn video camera and filming my reading. I had such a blast and can't imagine BlogHer without you.] [Edited AGAIN: I am a dumbass royale. Kathy not only filmed the video, she is the one who suggested the "Concussion" ... More About: Read
I Am Recovering from BlogHer
2009-07-27 16:37:00 JD and Kathy with Tim Gunn _________________________ Oh, my Zod. It was fun. It was exhausting. It was inspiring, exciting, and colorful. It was a bit overwhelming. I met wonderful new people and connected with bloggers I “know.” I didn’t puke. I hugged Tim Gunn. I ate a lot. I didn’t go to any after-parties. I did my thing at the Community Keynote. I did it rather well. I ...
I?m Wearing Clothes to BlogHer so you don?t have to
2009-07-21 17:10:00 Surprise! Yes, I am actually wearing clothes to BlogHer. Even more of a surprise? It hasn’t been that big of a deal. At least not for me. My mom, however, is another story. What my mom would like me to wear o What I would like to wear Nevertheless, I value my mom’s opinion, so I showed her my two outfits. ... More About: Clothes
I Met My Creepy Neighbor
2009-07-19 15:52:00 I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you Pretty L-of-the-V came from here Oh, peeps, this was so creep-ay! When we moved into our house 11 years ago, the previous owners told us they had never seen the elderly woman two doors down but that her daughter came around every so often to bring her supplies ... More About: Creepy
I Buy Quisp
2009-07-14 15:47:00 And oh, what heights we’ll hit 0 BACKGROUND For years, Dave has been searching for Quisp. THE PRESENT I’m leafing thru a flyer for a high-end grocery store called Fresh Market. They’re known for their produce, deli section, and incredible baked goods. Apparently, they are now also known for selling Quisp, because there it is. Quisp Cereal, originally released in 1965, ...
I Got a New Camera so you don?t have to
2009-07-08 15:30:00 I got a new camera! What kind is it? Geez, I dunno. But it’s wee and shiny and fuchsia and comes loaded with lots of cool features that someday I might master if I can set aside a few weeks to read the directions and also get an eyeball transplant because those directions are impossible to ... More About: Camera
I Have Brilliant Ideas
2009-07-04 16:45:00 The files in your head, you take them to bed You’re never ever through Would it surprise you to learn that brilliant blog posts don’t pop into my fertile brain, fully formed and ready to publish? Yes? Well, guess what? I’m just like you. I have tons of ideas sitting in my drafts folder. All, obviously, are ... More About: Ideas , Brilliant
I Embarrass Dave so you don?t have to
2009-06-30 15:54:00 Is there life on Mars? Chicken person came from here ____________________ Poor Dave . But he had his chance. Two years ago, when I first started this blog, my second post was about visiting a nude beach. Dave was concerned that his family might read it and asked me to write something else. My response was to burst into tears ...
I Wash Myself with a Rag on a Stick so you don?t have to
2009-06-25 14:55:00 That looks like a large pair of knickers Pickle came from here ________________ Of course I do NOT! But some people have to. Wash themselves with a rag on a stick, I mean. And it’s not polite to laugh. In front of them. The whole rag on a stick phenomenon began as simple cartoony fun on a Simpsons episode. Imagine ... More About: Stick
I Watched Mr. Sardonicus so you don?t have to
2009-06-22 14:40:00 My name was not always Sardonicus, and I did not always wear a mask. Oh, boy. It isn’t often I have insomnia, and it’s even less often that there’s something good on TV when I do. The other night I caught Mr. Sardonicus on MeTV. A classic Gothic horror flick, Mr. Sardonicus features slow-building psychological terror ...
I Am Speaking at BlogHer so you don?t have to
2009-06-17 14:03:00 By speaking, I mean reading. And by reading, I mean puking. Who wants to come and watch me puke? It all started as a harmless joke. Junk Drawer Kathy sent me the link from BlogHer asking for bloggers to submit a favorite post. The chosen posts would be read by their authors at the Community Keynote on ... More About: Speaking
I Ate 100 Calories
2009-06-14 17:21:00 Diet coke and a pizza, please Giant cupcake comes from here _______________________ You know those 100-calorie snack packs, right? They come in all kinds of shapes, flavors, and colors: from bright orange Cheetohs to pastel-pink cuppy cakes. It’s a great idea. Because each 100-calorie snack is packaged separately, you’re not tempted to gorge on a whole bag. Please. Does this ... More About: Calories
I Saw Kobe Grimley First so you don?t have to
2009-06-09 16:54:00 Yesterday morning, I published a post comparing photos of Kobe Bryant and Ed Grimley. The timestamp on my blog is messed up, but the post went up around 8AM Central Time. I shared the link on Facebook (note time): LATER THAT DAY, eagle-eye reader absepa sent me this: Wow. USA Today’s sports blog “Game On” posted something ...
I Make Acute Observations
2009-06-09 03:20:00 Is it just me, or . . . Kobe Bryant Ed Grimley . . . is the Kobe Scowl suddenly not all that menacing? _________________________ Watch! Kobe scowl Watch! Ed Grimley waiting for Christmas More About: Observations , Make
I Watched 5 Minutes of a Movie so you don?t have to
2009-06-05 16:29:00 I saw you look like a Japanese baby Baby came from here ________________________ Usually I’m in bed around 9, but last night I simply had to have some peanut butter toast. I plopped down in front of the TV, which proceeded to freeze as I channel-surfed. After I did the ol’ unplug/plug trick, some random channel came on. ... More About: Movie , Minutes
I Vacuum My Hair so you don?t have to
2009-06-02 16:01:00 I’m like a vacuum bag That holds all that old dirt Man, I’m sorry, but this happened and you’re gonna have to read about it. The other day, I got tired of navigating the hairballs and dust bunnies and tumbleweeds that have taken up residence in our home, so I decided to vacuum. After about ten minutes, the ... More About: Vacuum , Hair
I Gave Away the Ending to ?Lost?
2009-05-30 18:08:00 You all, everybody You all, everybody And you know, now that I think of it, it wasn’t even ME who gave away the ending. It was the barista. Anyway. Rewind to two years ago, the season 3 finale of Lost . Remember? Desmond kept trying to save Charlie, but no matter what he did . . . “You’re gonna ... More About: Ending
I Ride the Bike so you don?t have to
2009-05-24 18:11:00 Get on your bikes and ride Not my actual legs ________________________ My foot is doing great, thanks for (NOT) asking. Lookit. You can barely see the scar (thanks to blurry photography): Just a little swelling: And no more—PRUDENCE! Anyway, after three long months, my foot is healed and ready for weight-bearing exercise. Way back in January, during my surgery consult, my only concern ... More About: Bike , Ride
I Am Wordless on Wednesday
2009-05-20 20:19:00 Caption contest? Haiku? LOL-ephant? Fail photo? W.T. Fuck? Where in the hell . . . ? What is the elephant thinking? What is the elephant drinking? I don’t know. It’s up to you. Just be gentle. The nice lady in the photo is my beloved aunt. More About: Wednesday
I?m Aware of My Tongue
2009-05-14 15:06:00 Well, the tongue inside my mouth is not for sale Thanks to little pixie for the photo. ______________________ Recently I was told I had a flat throat. After a sleep study and CT scan, a diagnosis has been made. But I think I would’ve been better off not knowing. It’s not my enlarged thyroid. It’s not a tumor, narrowed ... More About: Tongue , Aware
I Ate Some Pea Soup
2009-05-11 15:07:00 The soup was hot and split pea and on the stove This pea came from nataliedee.com Apparently people eat pea soup. I’ve always been aware of this on some level. Recently I bought a can of Progresso split pea with ham. I even ate it. I don’t know why. There are certainly other ways to get ham. I ... More About: Soup
I Forgot
2009-05-06 17:32:00 I don’t remember, I don’t recall I got no memory of anything at all OK, you know how it is. You do a lot of drugs, specifically amyl nitrate (otherwise known as “poppers,” which, according to the directions, are to be uncapped and left open so that the fumes can waft around the room but of ...
I Have Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome
2009-04-30 16:09:00 Why can’t I breathe? This picture came from here. Woo-eeeee! Sounds fancy, don’t it? You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m doing, sitting here blogging when I should be in an intensive care unit with a giant tube down my throat. But it’s not that exciting, I’m afraid. In fact, it’s pretty damn dull. Damnit! Yeah, so. Remember that ... More About: Syndrome , Resistance , Airway
I Was a 10-Year-Old Stylista so you don?t have to be
2009-04-24 17:48:00 She’s so 20th century She’s so 1970s OH MAH GAW!!! Will you please drop what you’re doing and just take a look at the teeny tiny ten-year-old JD? So cute! So young! So innocent! She’s, all, doing the Princess Di side-glance before even Princess Di was doing it! Lookit! I’m surprised I managed to hang on to my virginity until age 14, ... More About: Year
I Married a Robot so you don?t have to
2009-04-22 14:45:00 Metal things just turn to rust When you’re a robot One day I married a robot and his name was Dave. Only I didn’t know he was a robot then. Had I known . . . Evidence That Dave Is a Robot 1. He was advised to quit caffeine due to high blood pressure. He simply substituted coffee every ... More About: Married
I Remembered Prudence?s Birthday
2009-04-17 14:14:00 I know it’s kind of late But Happy Birthday Ummm . . . I don’t know how to put this tactfully, so I’ll just come right out and say it: You forgot Prudence’s birthday. She turned one, if you care. I wouldn’t mind so much, except she was really excited. Now, I realize you don’t KNOW the date of Pru’s birth, but ...
I Remembered Prudence?s Birthday so you don?t have to (but you should have)
More articles from this author:2009-04-17 14:14:00 I know it’s kind of late But Happy Birthday Ummm . . . I don’t know how to put this tactfully, so I’ll just come right out and say it: You forgot Prudence’s birthday. She turned one, if you care. I wouldn’t mind so much, except she was really excited. Now, I realize you don’t KNOW the date of Pru’s birth, but ... 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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