Hash It Out! Hash It Out! Read the irreverent musings of a godless lunatic! Articles
Who are you?
2008-02-17 21:32:00 You don’t talk to me that way. You shut your dirty mouth. Or I’ll shut it for you. You presume to tell me what to do. No. I tell YOU what to do. You shut up. You’ll goddamn do what I tell you or I’ll slap your stupid face. You like that anyway.  When I’m in charge, and I tell you what’s up, you get a little excited by it. I’m not gonna hurt you. I won’t abuse you or cause (lasting) pain, but I’ll definitely show you who is the boss. I am the boss of you. If you sass me, it might hurt a little when I spank your ass. I’ll crack that ass so hard right through your jeans the welt will last 5 days. You’ll have to lean to one side when you sit down. I’ll crack that ass so hard, it will literally heat up. It will generate more heat than the rest of your body because more blood will rush there. Then both of us will have extra blood in places it doesn’t normally go all day. You like w...
Dear me of the parallel universe.
2008-02-16 16:47:00 You think you’re better than me? You’re all that because you’re some alternate version of me who has it better than I do? No. I’ll get a wormhole from Wal-Mart (someday soon) and come over there and kick your ass! Who the hell do you think you are? Do you have a girlfriend? Is your life all perfect and happy? I’ll kill you. Better yet, I’ll kill you and steal your life. How’d that be? I dare you, I DOUBLE DOG dare you to come over here and face me. Everyone knows that email, blogs, and all things that are the Comnpu-Net-Intra-Web are freely exchanged from this universe to yours, even though it doesn’t work in reverse. So I know you hear me you selfish bastard! I’m gonna punch you in your fat face. Don’t think for one minute that I don’t spend all my free time and resources devising possible ways to get to you. You should be looking over your shoulder. The only reason you’ve never he... More About: Universe
I have a man crush on Harrison Ford.
2008-02-15 19:14:00 You heard me. I don’t want to have sex with him or anything, I’d rather have sex with Calista Flockhart, but Ford is so goddamn awesome! I just wanna maybe hug hum a little. I am very excited about 5/22/8 as I have been waiting 19 years for the new Indiana Jones movie. A friend asked me if I had a big geek boner and I had to say I do. Here’s the teaser trailer… ShareThis More About: Harrison Ford , Crush , Harrison
Women unite for FEB 14, no bra day!
2008-02-14 16:40:00 The following is not my work, it is that of my buddy Monkee over at monkeychapps.com. He has under age family members who read his blog and he felt it inappropriate to post. Although his writing for today follows my sentiment exactly, I would have used words like tits, jugs, or boobies… WOMEN UNITE FOR FEB14 - NO BRA DAY! This is a national movement. All women need to support this. It is a proven fact that breast cancer is related to wearing a bra. NOW organizations are spreading the word. I recommend that you show your independence and confidence by supporting this cause. I also recommend that you wear T-shirts, tube tops or soft fuzzy sweaters. If you are a morning runner, please run in slow motion. You will be doing the world a favor. Thank you. ShareThis More About: Women
Valentine’s Day sucks my ass.
2008-02-14 09:00:00 Valentine’s Day. Shit. This is bullshit. Go to Wikipedia and read all about Valentine’s Day (or VD as I like to call it). Blah, blah, St. Valentine this and Chaucer’s love birds that. No. This holiday was invented by the Hallmark Greeting Card Company in 1969. It’s a bogus commercial effort to get your money based on the fact that you should “show your love” for someone once a year. How ’bout doin’ that every day? Hmm? Prithy? Why does this February 14th have to be anything? I say we change it. I say as of now we call (let’s say) February 23rd - STEAK AND BLOWJOB DAY! There. Now that makes more sense. You blow me, I eat some good meat. Well, I guess we both get some good meat eh? Valentine’s Day. HA! Next thing you know, they’ll be saying things like ‘get jewelry for an aniversary’ or ‘give gifts to people on the birthday of our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ’ o... More About: Sucks
Trip your ass to 7-11.
2008-02-14 07:03:00 Yeah. 7-11 has it all, and for only a 60% markup. Snack cakes, candy, sandwiches, toilet paper, bottled water, and other various and sundries. I refer to the 7-11 at the end of my block as “the fridge” because I don’t keep food in my house. I probably spend a minimum of $4000 a year at this place. Bastards! Damn their convenience. I used to be friendly with the Indian (surprise!) guy that worked there, he went back to India. I never knew (or at least didn’t know how to say) his name, but he was cool. He knew I was a comedian and when I first moved to L.A. in 1999, he gave me a joke. He said, “Check out my website {while tapping his forehead over and over with his forefinger} w w w dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot…” I couldn’t stop laughing. Totally true. And I use it. I don’t so much DO the joke as just tell that story. 7-11 is quite the spectacle of all manner of homeless, coffee junkies, and fat lad... More About: Trip
Crotch krapin’ crop kraper!
2008-02-13 00:10:00 I don’t know what it means, but it’s pronounced KROTCH KRAY-PIN KROP KRAY-PER. I came up with it about 15 years ago or so, not really exactly sure, but I use it as a substitute for profanity. Now, as any who knows me knows, I’m not a-scared of any profane speakings. I have spake unto all in a manner so profane, people have gotten weak knees over it. Fuck. Cock. Shit. Cunt. It doesn’t matter, I’ll say it all. But I like crotch krapin’ crop kraper, because it’s kinda like one of those Yosemite Sam swears that isn’t a swear. His were more, rackin’ flaffin’ ricken’ ruffin’ and the like, but I prefer mine. Feel free to use it yourself. Shit. Let’s start a movement why don’t we. Also, if you don’t know the words to a song, you can substitute “Sugga duh degga na negga duh dugga suh segga”, something like that. Also, SKINK is a good one, for example: From Rupert Holmes&rs... More About: Crop
Don Rickles is the reason I became a comedian.
2008-02-12 07:59:00 The Don is the greatest! No more can be said… Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles ProjectAdd to My Profile | More Videos ShareThis More About: Comedian , Reason
The random blog posting…
2008-02-11 17:38:00 Well let’s just see what happens here. It’s early morning (an unusual awake time for me) and I’m going to just stream my conscious… Bell, a dinging bell, like the gold one with a black handle the playground teacher would ring. I have no idea why that came into my head just now, but it did. Aren’t you wildly fascinated by what “EYE” think? I love to type that way, the way “EYE” type. Emails, IMs, and blog posts generally are very hard to pick up intonations and the like from unless you know the author very well. Do you know me? Do you want to know me? I mean like in the bible “know” me? I like talking about the bible. I have recently become much more the reader than has been usual in my life and I love a good non-fiction. The bible seems to be the greatest non-fiction ever created. Mathew, Mark, Luke, John, and my favorite Gary. Some bibles don’t have the Gary chapters. They were remove... More About: Random , Blog
Cities I lived in and how they rate.
2008-02-10 13:26:00 I’m a world traveler. Let’s just admit it. I am. I’ve been to 7 countries. It’s actually not an impressive list of countries considering 3 of them are Canada, Mexico, and The United States.  And Taiwan was an airport only visit. I like to say I’ve been to Japan, but I haven’t, I’ve been to Okinawa which I was made to understand by the locals is NOT Japan. Japan and Okinawa make a distinction amongst each other much the same way people in the US make fun of Alabama or Arkansas or any other fucked up Southern state. Only difference is, I guess over there it goes both ways, but here the Southern state folk don’t really make fun of the rest of the country. I don’t think they understand how to do it. So, that’s five, the other two are North and South Korea. YES! That’s right, I’ve been into North Korea. I’m not allowed to talk about it. But I lived in South Korea for 13 months whic... More About: Cities , Rate , Lived
Cities I lived in and how they rate.
2008-02-10 13:26:00 I’m a world traveler. Let’s just admit it. I am. I’ve been to 7 countries. It’s actually not an impressive list of countries considering 3 of them are Canada, Mexico, and The United States.  And Taiwan was an airport only visit. I like to say I’ve been to Japan, but I haven’t, I’ve been to Okinawa which I was made to understand by the locals is NOT Japan. Japan and Okinawa make a distinction amongst each other much the same way people in the US make fun of Alabama or Arkansas or any other fucked up Southern state. Only difference is, I guess over there it goes both ways, but here the Southern state folk don’t really make fun of the rest of the country. I don’t think they understand how to do it. So, that’s five, the other two are North and South Korea. YES! That’s right, I’ve been into North Korea. I’m not allowed to talk about it. But I lived in South Korea for 13 months whic... More About: Cities , Rate , Lived
A limerick by rob2e.
2008-02-09 23:46:00 There once was a man from Spokane Who didn’t know how to write limericks ShareThis
A limerick by rob2e.
2008-02-09 23:46:00 There once was a man from Spokane Who didn’t know how to write limericks ShareThis
My freind shows you the Pac-Man Car.
2008-02-09 07:31:00 Here’s my buddy Tommy (from carcrazycentral.com) showing you the new Pac-Man Car. Odd! SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "My freind shows you the Pac-Man Car.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=85" });
My freind shows you the Pac-Man Car.
2008-02-09 07:31:00 Here’s my buddy Tommy (from carcrazycentral.com) showing you the new Pac-Man Car. Odd! ShareThis
Do you do any of these things?
2008-02-08 12:52:00 I wonder if people, if YOU do any of these things… Do you or have you done any of these? Walk up to women and say, “Excuse me madam, may I offer you some socks?” Walk into the public restroom of the opposite sex and yell, “What are all you people doing in here?” Try to buy things from vending machines using pennies? Take all the change, all of it, from the 7-11 ‘have a penny save a penny’ tray and just pocket it and walk out? Support your local haberdashery? Walk into banks and yell, “Does anyone know where the nearest ski resort is?” Kick circus or birthday clowns in the groin, then pepper spray their eyes, then defecate in their mouth? Get on a public bus and then 2 stops later have a friend get on and both pretend you’re half a retard and start talking gibberish to each other as if you’ve known each other always? Ski-jog behind a police cruiser? Rape and kill a nun, but not necessarily in that order? (Men using yo... More About: Things
Do you do any of these things?
2008-02-08 12:52:00 I wonder if people, if YOU do any of these things… Do you or have you done any of these? Walk up to women and say, “Excuse me madam, may I offer you some socks?” Walk into the public restroom of the opposite sex and yell, “What are all you people doing in here?” Try to buy things from ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Do you do any of these things?", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=84" }); More About: Things
Sandwiches.
2008-02-08 09:32:00 I must give credit to wildclips.blogspot.com where I found this, I just HAD to post it. These are the types of real life situations I absolutely live for… SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Sandwiches .", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=83" });
Sandwiches.
2008-02-08 09:32:00 I must give credit to wildclips.blogspot.com where I found this, I just HAD to post it. These are the types of real life situations I absolutely live for… ShareThis More About: Sandwiches
Paris Hilton goes to Harvard?
2008-02-07 10:41:00 I realize this will be an atypically short blog entry, but there’s NOTHING funnier I can say than the title of this entry. ShareThis More About: Paris Hilton , Harvard , Paris , Hilton
Paris Hilton goes to Harvard?
2008-02-07 10:41:00 I realize this will be an atypically short blog entry, but there’s NOTHING funnier I can say than the title of this entry. ShareThis More About: Paris Hilton , Harvard , Paris , Hilton
2008 election to be decided by rednecks.
2008-02-06 21:35:00 It looks like my year old prediction is on its way to being true. I said in 2006, that the 2008 election will be won by whoever the Republican candidate is if the other choice is a Hillary Clinton, or a Barack Osama, excuse me, Obama. Although I think there are really cool reasons to have ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "2008 election to be decided by rednecks.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=81" }); More About: Politics , Election
2008 election to be decided by rednecks.
2008-02-06 21:35:00 It looks like my year old prediction is on its way to being true.  I said in 2006, that the 2008 election will be won by whoever the Republican candidate is if the other choice is a Hillary Clinton, or a Barack Osama, excuse me, Obama. Although I think there are really cool reasons to have either Democrat as president (as a comedian), it’s just not gonna happen. Hillary would be cool because of Bill’s soft underplayed, “I’m back.” Barack would be cool because we could all finally tell these crazy “slavery reparations, my ancestors this and that, according to the Constitution I’m only 3/5 of a person, keeping the black man down, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah” looney birds to finally shut the fuck up. SHUT UP! You have a black president now, so shut it! Too bad. Too bad it’s gonna be a boring Republican who isn’t gonna garnish our wages for mandatory health care like it’s car insurance. Nazi! She’s... More About: Election
The Vagina Couch
2008-02-06 03:22:00 This is the best idea ever! read more | digg story SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "The Vagina Couch ", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=80" });
Nice guys finish last.
2008-02-06 01:43:00 Not a new thought. But true. I used to be a nice guy. Used to. I got some girls. Some. But guess what? I shouldn’t have been so nice. I can cite more examples (exponentially more) of guys who aren’t nice who always have a girlfriend, or a wife that adores them. We all know ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Nice guys finish last.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=79" }); More About: Guys , Finish
Nice guys finish last.
2008-02-06 01:43:00 Not a new thought. But true. I used to be a nice guy. Used to. I got some girls. Some. But guess what? I shouldn’t have been so nice. I can cite more examples (exponentially more) of guys who aren’t nice who always have a girlfriend, or a wife that adores them. We all know that women want to “settle down” with the nice guy. Women in their 30s and later are done partying and start losing what men want. Their looks. As men age we gain more and more what women want. Money and power. There’s no reason to be a nice guy. That’s who they want to “end up” with, when they barely have anything to offer anymore. But for now, who they wanna fuck is the bad boy. I’m not talking motorcycles, tattoos, and leather jackets, I just mean not (too) nice. Now before all you women (and all you pussy men LIKE I USED TO BE) get all bent out of shape, you need to fully understand what I’m drivin’ at here. I don... More About: Guys , Nice , Finish
I appear naked in this movie.
2008-02-05 10:09:00 Prepare yourself, you will see me naked. SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "I appear naked in this movie.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=78" }); More About: Movie
I appear naked in this movie.
2008-02-05 10:09:00 Prepare yourself, you will see me naked. ShareThis More About: Movie
Superbowl XLII - Giants, Patriots, or Al-Qaeda?
More articles from this author:2008-02-04 19:02:00 So I’m watching the game with a friend and I say toward the beginning, “If the Patriots get ahead too far, I’m rooting for Al-Qaeda . Because fuck the New England Patriots.” I hate those Patriots and I wanted the Giants to win as bad as I’ve ever wanted any team to win the Superbowl . And ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Superbowl XLII - Giants, Patriots, or Al-Qaeda?", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=77" }); More About: Al Qaeda 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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