Hash It Out! Hash It Out! Read the irreverent musings of a godless lunatic! Articles
One drop of water and people can?t drive.
2008-01-24 21:27:00 What is with people in California and Arizona (and perhaps other southernish, warmish states), and the dummies in Texas? Whenever it rains, these people all lose their assumedly known abilities to drive. It’s a crazy phenomena not enough people are concerned about. People in California all drive 10+ miles over the speed limit all the ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "One drop of water and people can’t drive.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=60" } ); More About: Seattle , Washington , Drive
One drop of water and people can’t drive.
2008-01-24 21:27:00 What is with people in California and Arizona (and perhaps other southernish, warmish states), and the dummies in Texas? Whenever it rains, these people all lose their assumedly known abilities to drive. It’s a crazy phenomena not enough people are concerned about. People in California all drive 10+ miles over the speed limit all the time, but one drop of sweat falls off someone’s brow and hits the street, everyone slow down to 40 please. No. Punch it you idiots. You have 4 tires. tires have what they call traaaack-shuuuun. You’re not going to fly off the road. all you’re going to do is PISS ME OFF! I grew up (in Spokane, WA) where there was snow, rain, sleet, hail, wind, all of it. Whatever. You adjust your driving according to conditions. But as far as I’m concerned, rain isn’t a condition. It rains 4 days a year in Los Angeles. If you’re such a vehicular moron, STAY HOME! Get off my roads. I need to be place... More About: Drive , Water , Drop
My new line to use on girls.
2008-01-24 01:01:00 The next time (okay, so, if it ever happens that) a girl is in my apratment, I’ve got it all figured out… I’m gonna say, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeyeahhhhh, I’m gonna go ahead and need you to get naked and lie down on the bed, n’kay? We don’t need to fuck, but I do.” Brilliant! ShareThis More About: Girls , Line
My new line to use on girls.
2008-01-24 01:01:00 The next time (okay, so, if it ever happens that) a girl is in my apratment, I’ve got it all figured out… I’m gonna say, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeyeahhhhh, I’m gonna go ahead and need you to get naked and lie down on the bed, n’kay? We don’t need to fuck, but I do.” Brilliant! SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "My new line to use on girls.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=59" } ); More About: Girls , Line
I found the truest social convention of our time.
2008-01-23 19:34:00 It’s amazing. In American society, you will run into a great multitude of social despondence caused by many an action or word from others, yet there is always one rule that is never broken… Americans are almost assuredly never going to tell you the secret ending of a movie you should be left to discover for yourself. You may be slapped, shot, mugged, tickled, stabbed, assaulted, verbally attacked, straight out robbed, or your wife raped (in front of you of course), but no one will ever tell you {SPOILER ALERT FOR THE MOVIE “THE CRYING GAME”} the chick is a dude. No matter the circumstance, I find it astonishing, the relevance of priority people set. Bubba has just removed the shiv from your ribcage and says, “That’ll learn ya white boy. By the way, did you see The Sixth Sense?” “What?… uhhhh…. no.” “Okay, never mind then,” as he shanks you a second time for good measure. Prob’ly pissed... More About: Social , Time , Convention
I found the truest social convention of our time.
2008-01-23 19:34:00 It’s amazing. In American society, you will run into a great multitude of social despondence caused by many an action or word from others, yet there is always one rule that is never broken… Americans are almost assuredly never going to tell you the secret ending of a movie you should be left to discover ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "I found the truest social convention of our time.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=58" } ); More About: Social , Time , Convention
Heath Ledger… dead.
2008-01-22 23:23:00 Heath Ledger died today. He was probably best known for playing the (P)Enis Delmar in back of Jake Gyllenhaal’s Jack Twist (it off) in Brokeback Mountain. Or as my straight male brethren refer to it - “That Gay Cowboy Movie”. I saw Brokoeback Mountain. It’s a great movie. It made me cry. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I cried. So what? Fuck you. No straight male I know besides me saw this movie. Bullshit. They just won’t admit it. It’s a great love story. For a man who is emotionally dead inside (me), I label this movie as probably one of the greatest love story movies I’ve ever seen. So what if it was gay dudes set in the backdrop of an icy mountainous geography. Great story. Great stuff. Plus Anne Hathaway’s tits. Anyway, Heath did many other movies and still has two coming out, one of which happens to be The Dark Knight. The next Batman movie for those not so inclined to know by the title. I t... More About: Dead , Heath
Heath Ledger? dead.
2008-01-22 23:23:00 Heath Ledger died today. He was probably best known for playing the (P)Enis Delmar in back of Jake Gyllenhaal’s Jack Twist (it off) in Brokeback Mountain. Or as my straight male brethren refer to it - “That Gay Cowboy Movie”. I saw Brokoeback Mountain. It’s a great movie. It made me cry. Yeah, that’s right, I ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Heath Ledger… dead.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=57" } ); More About: Heath Ledger , Dead , Heath
Some stupid bitch from Texas emailed me about…
2008-01-22 16:04:00 Regarding my post Every illegal alien’s DMV nightmare, was my extreme pleasure. If you haven’t read that, read it first before this. My editorials will be inserted amongst this response… The stupid bitch from Texas , writes: Honestly, you’re beyond a moron! That’s all I can say. {Already I am intrigued as I know this will be an attack from a “name caller”. Verdict: she’s an idiot and a hypocrite, from Texas.} You’re an ignorant, arrogant, unintelligent, waste of human space! {Thank you.} You’re so pathetic, who the hell do you think you are, talking down on people whom you don’t even know!? {I am a comedian writing a COMEDY blog.} What makes you think that you are better than them? {I don’t, I just KNOW I’m better than YOU.} If you don’t like those illegals, if you think they’re stupid and unintelligent, talk to them, meet them, and then you’ll envy them. {Envy? You should maybe look t... More About: Stupid , Bitch
Some stupid bitch from Texas emailed me about?
2008-01-22 16:04:00 Regarding my post Every illegal alien?s DMV nightmare, was my extreme pleasure. If you haven’t read that, read it first before this. My editorials will be inserted amongst this response… The stupid bitch from Texas , writes: Honestly, you’re beyond a moron! That’s all I can say. {Already I am intrigued as I know this will be an attack ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Some stupid bitch from Texas emailed me about…", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=56" } ); More About: Stupid , Bitch
I am Captain Kirk!
2008-01-19 18:07:00 I just took the Star Trek personality test. I am Captain Kirk ! This is awesome. When I was a little boy this is all I wanted to be. Now after many decades, it’s confirmed. You are James T. Kirk (Captain) James T. Kirk (Captain) 60% Jean-Luc Picard 60% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 60% Will Riker 55% Geordi LaForge 50% Data 47% Worf 45% Chekov 40% Spock 37% Deanna Troi 35% Mr. Scott 30% Uhura 30% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 20% Mr. Sulu 20% Beverly Crusher 10% You are often exaggerated and over-the-top in your speech and expressions. You are a romantic at heart and a natural leader. Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz I love it that I am equally Jean-Luc Picard, or a FUCKING RED SHIRT! What? How can I be the most magnificent of charismatic leaders and at the same time an expendable piece of shit? As it turns out, this has been my experience with women. They all profess to me what a g...
I am Captain Kirk!
2008-01-19 18:07:00 I just took the Star Trek personality test. I am Captain Kirk ! This is awesome. When I was a little boy this is all I wanted to be. Now after many decades, it’s confirmed. You are James T. Kirk (Captain) James T. Kirk (Captain) 60% Jean-Luc Picard 60% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 60% Will Riker 55% Geordi LaForge 50% Data 47% Worf 45% Chekov 40% Spock 37% Deanna Troi 35% Mr. Scott 30% Uhura 30% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 20% Mr. Sulu 20% Beverly Crusher 10% You are ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "I am Captain Kirk!", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=55" } );
Accidents can be fun.
2008-01-18 20:48:00 So my buddies and I are at out favorite eatery (Norm’s) chillin’ and talkin’ ’bout, you know, chicks ‘n’ stuff. We’re having a grand ol’ time. Okay, so seven apostrophes in the last sentence only one of which was nec’s’ry. Enough of that. Our waitress (actress?) was a thin African-American girl with silver braces on her teeth. Really cute. I’d say in the vicinity of 27 years old. Latisha was her name.  I love the braces thing. Don’t know why. She didn’t have glasses on her face, but I like that too. I go for the bookwormy type. You wanna get me going? Dress up as the librarian for Halloween. Okay, maybe the librarian who also wears the plaid school girl skirt as well. Anyway… Latisha is keeping us full up on our root-beers and diet cokes, and as she’s bringing the next tray with three large plastic cups full of brown liquid, she spills. All 66 ounces (3 x 22 for m... More About: Accidents
Accidents can be fun.
2008-01-18 20:48:00 So my buddies and I are at our favorite eatery (Norm’s) chillin’ and talkin’ ’bout, you know, chicks ‘n’ stuff. We’re having a grand ol’ time. Okay, so seven apostrophes in the last sentence only one of which was nec’s’ry. Enough of that. Our waitress (actress?) was a thin African-American girl with silver braces on her teeth. Really cute. I’d say in the vicinity of 27 years old. Latisha was her name.  I love the braces thing. Don’t know why. She didn’t have glasses on her face, but I like that too. I go for the bookwormy type. You wanna get me going? Dress up as the librarian for Halloween. Okay, maybe the librarian who also wears the plaid school girl skirt as well. Anyway… Latisha is keeping us full up on our root-beers and diet cokes, and as she’s bringing the next tray with three large plastic cups full of brown liquid, she spills. All 66 ounces (3 x 22 for m... More About: Accidents
My lesbian neighbor and her lesbian barking dog.
2008-01-18 04:59:00 I’ve lived in my apartment for 8 1/2 years. It seems to me that this entire time, my lesbian neighbor’s lesbian dog has been barking into my ear non-stop. Okay, so I don’t know if the dog is a lesbian, but it seems like it should be. I can’t be expected to explain why I think that. This lesbian’s bedroom window is literally 8 feet from the window by which I lay my head at night. It sounds like the dog is barking inside my own apartment. I called 311 (Los Angeles’s version of 911 without the life threatening emergency) many times over the years. I learned to work around the system. They won’t send the cops for a barking dog, but claim loud stereo and they’re there in a few minutes. Makes no sense, but hey, whatever works. They don’t hear the stereo, but I imagine protocol calls for them to make a door knock and check it out anyway. This causes the dog to stop barking. Oh, incidentally, I guess I should incl... More About: Lesbian
My lesbian neighbor and her lesbian barking dog.
2008-01-18 04:59:00 I’ve lived in my apartment for 8 1/2 years. It seems to me that this entire time, my lesbian neighbor’s lesbian dog has been barking into my ear non-stop. Okay, so I don’t know if the dog is a lesbian, but it seems like it should be. I can’t be expected to explain why I think that. This lesbian’s bedroom window is literally 8 feet from the window by which I lay my head at night. It sounds like the dog is barking inside my own apartment. I called 311 (Los Angeles’s version of 911 without the life threatening emergency) many times over the years. I learned to work around the system. They won’t send the cops for a barking dog, but claim loud stereo and they’re there in a few minutes. Makes no sense, but hey, whatever works. They don’t hear the stereo, but I imagine protocol calls for them to make a door knock and check it out anyway. This causes the dog to stop barking. Oh, incidentally, I guess I should incl... More About: Lesbian
Don?t talk to strangers.
2008-01-17 01:02:00 I have this friend who stopped on the freeway to help a lady push her car off the road. She was stalled, so he offered his assistance. You know, be a Good Samaritan and all that. He even offered to use his AAA to get her a tow. She said she would be fine and that ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Don’t talk to strangers.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=51" } ); More About: Talk , Strangers , Ranger
Don’t talk to strangers.
2008-01-17 01:02:00 I have this friend who stopped on the freeway to help a lady push her car off the road. She was stalled, so he offered his assistance. You know, be a Good Samaritan and all that. He even offered to use his AAA to get her a tow. She said she would be fine and that she was going to call family to help her out. So she thanked him and he left. Six months later he received his summons from her insurance company. He was being sued in small claims court. Surely an error, he looked into it all the way up until the judge slammed the gavel down and $1600 went flying out of his wallet. Wait. WHAT? Yes. Apparently this is a scam that many run. But surely the judge would figure it out, right? They ask you questions, but don’t let you elaborate. Did you help the woman push her car off the road? Yes your honor, but I– What kind of vehicle did you push her with? Uh, my hands. What proof do you have that you did not damage her rear fender? Insane right? W... More About: Talk , Strangers
Every illegal alien’s DMV nightmare, was my extreme pleasure.
2008-01-15 22:17:00 The last time I had to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, I was literally in and out, door to door, in 8 minutes. EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES! Can you believe that? I did it. How did I accomplish this great feat you ask?  I made an appointment on the Intra-Web-Compu-Net thingy mabob. I still don’t get what the problem is with illegal immigrants and computers. Surely these people know how to use a computer right? Wait. They can at least read right? Uh… Well, they could find a computer and have a friend help them couldn’t they? Shit. Okay, so here’s my story. I make the World Wide Intra-Web appointment (unfortunately a fad that I think will soon disappear) and I drive on down to the DMV. I glance at my watch knowing it’s gonna be 40 minutes to an hour and a half in here. I walk in, I get in the line where you get a number so you can wait in another line (yeah it’s fuckin’ stupid). I was fourth in line but amazingly it only... More About: Nightmare , Extreme , Illegal , Pleasure
Every illegal alien?s DMV nightmare, was my extreme pleasure.
2008-01-15 22:17:00 The last time I had to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, I was literally in and out, door to door, in 8 minutes. EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES! Can you believe that? I did it. How did I accomplish this great feat you ask? I made an appointment on the Intra-Web-Compu-Net thingy mabob. I still don?t ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Every illegal alien’s DMV nightmare, was my extreme pleasure.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=50" } ); More About: Nightmare , Extreme , Alien , Illegal Alien , Illegal
First the lap dance, then the blow job.
2008-01-15 08:25:00 So I’m doing a stand-up comedy show and everything was going swimmingly, but nothing of real note happened durring the show. AFTER the show, well… Here’s the lap dance: Here’s the blow job: Normally, this is the kinda thing that happens to me ON stage, but here it was in the bar with a whole lotta people watching. What’s the difference you say? Well, I’m not really the comedian so much anymore as just a guy hanging out in the bar. It’s really tough to explain to a husband who just showed up and DIDN’T SEE THE SHOW! But he was cool. I fucked him. This is really a message to all girls who think this is fun(ny) to do with me because I’m the comedian. Well, it is, but, let’s not pull any punches here. If you’re gonna blow me, finish the job. I guess this one was my fault though, because there were so many people watching I just told her I came. Yeah, yeah baby, I’m done, here’s cab fair, now... More About: Dance , Blow Job
First the lap dance, then the blow job.
2008-01-15 08:25:00 So I’m doing a stand-up comedy show and everything was going swimmingly, but nothing of real note happened durring the show. AFTER the show, well… Here’s the lap dance: Here’s the blow job: Normally, this is the kinda thing that happens to me ON stage, but here it was in the bar with a whole lotta people watching. ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "First the lap dance, then the blow job.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=49" } ); More About: Dating , Dance , Blow Job , Then
What you can and can?t say to people.
2008-01-13 10:23:00 As a stand-up comedian, it’s very cathartic and liberating to be able to say anything I want to anyone I want on stage. It really is a feeling of power (mixed with fun) to do this. My act isn’t really an act, as my other comedian friends will tell you, and REMIND ME (jealous much?) ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "What you can and can’t say to people.", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=48" } ); More About: People
What you can and can’t say to people.
2008-01-13 10:23:00 As a stand-up comedian, it’s very cathartic and liberating to be able to say anything I want to anyone I want on stage. It really is a feeling of power (mixed with fun) to do this. My act isn’t really an act, as my other comedian friends will tell you, and REMIND ME (jealous much?) all the time. I do have set bits I am able to do, but the fun for me is working the crowd because I never know what’s coming. Imagine being on stage as the entertainer, yet BEING entertained. And getting paid for it. That is righteous! As an example, I say things to individuals or the whole audience that could generally be regarded as very irreverent and/or offensive. It’s fun. And they love it! Everyone absolutely loves it. Maybe I just come off as the totally harmless guy on stage (I’m not) and people just accept anything I say as funny and relevant. Such as, “I’m not offended by any words in the Bible, it’s just that all those words ... More About: People
Go see the Monkee!
2008-01-12 17:06:00 Bang on the Monkee! This blog is a must. True, you will find that our blogs look similar. True they are both comedy driven, but his is the kind that’s not funny. You’ll see what I mean. It’s HIGH-larious. Monkee is a personal friend, we blog together, well, me from Los Angeles, and him from Small Town, Idaho. Where as this blog encourages people to get offended, offend others, and generally challenge beliefs, all the while laughing, Monkee’s area (he he I said area) is designed to impart his own unique humor. Find out why it’s so important for him to be obsessed with his neighbor in Snow Wars! Learn about Monkee’s taste for personal ads (writing them to get laughs), his penchant for bad pick up lines, and his ideas about a Star Wars date. All this and more in Relationships & Sexy Time. There is so much more the Monkee has to offer, why not sign up (well, go read it) today? ShareThis
Go see the Monkee!
2008-01-12 17:06:00 Bang on the Monkee! This blog is a must. True, you will find that our blogs look similar. True they are both comedy driven, but his is the kind that’s not funny. You’ll see what I mean. It’s HIGH-larious. Monkee is a personal friend, we blog together, well, me from Los Angeles, and him from Small Town, Idaho. Where ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Go see the Monkee!", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=47" } );
Hey? Are you an idiot?
2008-01-11 16:31:00 Here’s how you know… Well, some ways. Pronunciation… 1) etc. (ET-set-er-uh) - Incorrect: (EK-set-er-uh), get it right douche bags. 2) supposedly (sup-POSE-ed-ly) - Incorrect: (sup-POSE-ab-ly), read a book. 3) escape (es-KAYP) - Incorrect (ex-KAYP), stay in prison fools. 4) nuclear (NUKE-lee-ar) - Incorrect: (NUKE-yoo-lar), got that Mr. Bush? And Keifer Sutherland? And the rest of you? You know you fuckin’ do ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Hey? Are you an idiot?", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=46" } ); More About: Idiot
Hey? Are you an idiot?
2008-01-11 16:31:00 Here’s how you know… Well, some ways. Pronunciation… 1) etc. (ET-set-er-uh) - Incorrect: (EK-set-er-uh), get it right douche bags. 2) supposedly (sup-POSE-ed-ly) - Incorrect: (sup-POSE-ab-ly), read a book. 3) escape (es-KAYP) - Incorrect (ex-KAYP), stay in prison fools. 4) nuclear (NUKE-lee-ar) - Incorrect: (NUKE-yoo-lar), got that Mr. Bush? And Keifer Sutherland? And the rest of you? You know you fuckin’ do it. 5) often (OFF-en) - Incorrect: (OFT-en), I know you don’t believe me, but it’s because you’re dolts. 6) irregardless, not even a word, regardless what you think. Geography & Pronunciation… 1) Missouri = Miz-zur-RUH. No. 2) San Antonio = San An-TONE. No. 3) Washington = WARSH-ing-ton. No. 4) South Carolina = Souf CACK-a-lacky. Okay, that one’s funny. I’ll accept it. Notice I said accept (with an ‘a’), not except. Morons. More… Oh, and please teach your children the di... More About: Idiot
Cameo - Candy = AWESOME!
2008-01-11 13:57:00 I love this video. It was a popular song when I was in the Army. I remember loving it. I had the cassette. But I don’t know that I ever saw the video. Now I found it and I can’t stop. I’m serious. I musta played this thing 200 times today. Over and over and ... SHARETHIS.addEntry( { title: "Cameo - Candy = AWESOME!", url: "http://hashitout.com/?p=45" } ); More About: Awesome
Cameo - Candy = AWESOME!
More articles from this author:2008-01-11 13:57:00 I love this video. It was a popular song when I was in the Army. I remember loving it. I had the cassette. But I don’t know that I ever saw the video. Now I found it and I can’t stop. I’m serious. I musta played this thing 200 times today. Over and over and over. I watch it, but mostly listen to it, but then I watch again. Tastes like candy. Look real nice, wrapped up tight. Givin’ me a heart attack, it’s the kind I like. This is brilliant! Strawberry, raspberry, all those good things… YES! Who loves it? The Kelly McGillis look-a-like with her sucker? Sweet! Oh yeah, and fuck chicks. Literally. Have sex with them. Even if you are one. That’s hot. ShareThis More About: Awesome , Candy , Cameo 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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