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Bah, Humbug!
2007-12-15 00:46:00
It's everyone's favorite time of the year ... Christmas time! So, a couple weeks ago, this old lady at work took it upon herself to organize a "Secret Santa" exchange party. She walks behind me while I'm at my computer and asks me if I would like to join in on the festivities. By the way, she was more enthusiatic than a pre-teen girl at a Justin Timberlake concert.First of all, don't walk up behind me unannounced. I could have been looking at some "questionable" websites. Right off the bat, that put me in a pissy mood.For some reason, I felt the peer pressure. Various thoughts went through my head. "I don't want to. F*ck that. I don't wanna spend $20 bucks on some co-worker I hate. What if the present I get sucks? Aww crap, everyone will think I'm cheap if I don't participate. Oh, whatever. FINE!" I reluctantly accepted.A week later I visited the Nads Depot on First Street, got some balls, and told her I wanted out. Her jaw dropped. After I kicked her chin off my Jordan's, ...

Grocery Shopping Tip
2007-09-05 06:44:00
Never go grocery shopping while you're hungry! I made that unfortunate mistake today, and now I'm stuck with 2 months worth of italian sausage, hot dog buns that will probably expire before I even have one, an 8 pound bag of frozen popcorn chicken, and 35 packages of top ramen.
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psychic
2007-08-31 03:20:00
I think I'm psychic. A couple days ago I had a dream about a hot air balloon that went down in flames. Then the very next day, the news covered a story about a HOT AIR BALLOON THAT WENT DOWN IN FLAMES! True story.
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What happened?
2007-06-20 03:41:00
According to the scale, I have gained 23 pounds since November. My feeble attempts to lose the weight have been difficult, especially since I work in an industry that requires me to sit for hours in front of a computer screen.The problem is compounded with the fact that my co-workers always want to eat out for lunch. Speaking of restaurants, how come whenever you roll with a big party, everyone wants to pay with a freakin' credit card? No one ever has cash! Paying the bill with a big party is like the Lakers franchise without Kobe -- It sucks.That's why I always ask to be put on a separate check. It makes things soooo much easier. But everytime I ask to be on a separate check, the waiter looks at me like I asked him to pat his head and rub his belly at the same time. HEY WAITER!! Is it really that hard to do?? Wipe that annoyed look off your face and JUST DO IT! Ok, sunshine? But I digress.Back to losing weight - I'm trying the best I can. But I don't think stuffing my face with...
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The Cure For Leprosy
2007-03-08 23:24:00
My roommates and I have lived in our apartment for over 8 months, and we are finally getting cable today! It’s about damn time. I’m sick and tired of people talking about all these cool shows on TV and not having a clue what they’re talking about.Not having cable makes you feel left out. It’s like I’m an outcast or a leper - minus the disgusting, diseased skin.It reminds of when I was in elementary school and my Mom would always pack my lunch in a plastic grocery bag (it’s a Filipino thing). Every other kid of course, used a paper bag. Kids can be so cruel. “Haha. Why is your lunch in a plastic bag? You’re a ca-ca poo-poo head!”So the f*ck what if my lunch is in a plastic bag? Seriously, let’s really think about it for a second. If anything, my food containment solution is the more economical and environment friendly choice. First off, we’re saving money by not buying paper bags. Secondly, we are recycling our grocery bags. Mother Earth would be proud.And anoth...
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Sad Cow Disease
2007-03-05 07:39:00
Today I read an article on the internet describing the cruel mistreatment of cows in slaughterhouses. It's so sad. While reading, I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach –- because I ate too much pizza.Unfortunately, I am lactose intolerant.Did you know that 90% of Asian Americans are lactose intolerant? I was not aware of this until recently. My whole life I thought having diarrhea everyday was normal.Oh, well. No battle with loose excrement is going to stop me from consuming dairy products. The pain of poop pales in comparison to the sweet joy of cheese.Mmmm . . . cheeeeese.
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Fun Facts About HBJ
2007-02-28 22:09:00
HBJ loves a good Sausage Fest! Yum. It's the newest pizza from Papa John's. HBJ works out religiously. He goes about once a week. HBJ doesn't watch much TV. Because he and his roommates are too cheap to get cable.One time at work, the department secretary walked into HBJ's lunch meeting and said, "Hey boys, would you like me to toss your salad?" He almost pissed in his pants from laughing so hard. True story.HBJ has high self esteem -- when he's on drugs.And finally, HBJ's Final Fun Fact : HBJ is a big fan of speaking in the 3rd person.
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Natural Disaster
2007-02-13 15:11:00
You know what my favorite natural disaster is?It's when conceited “pretty girls” all of a sudden get a BAD case of acne. It’s sort of nature’s way of saying, “Sorry bitch, you ain’t that hot.”
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Honestly
2007-02-12 02:13:00
If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said . . . That's why I keep a journal.
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Love Advice
2007-02-08 20:54:00
My cousin told me about his new co-worker today. Apparently, she's absolutely beautiful. The problem is that he wants to give her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. What the hell is he thinking?! Disaster, right?I told him, "You know cuz, I don't like to give you love advice. You're a grown man, capable of making your own decisions. But, I have to step in and say something. You hardly know this girl. She has given you no indication that she likes you. I don't want you to do something stupid here and embarrass yourself . . .Don't be an idiot -- give her TWO dozen roses."
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Angelina Who?
2007-01-29 02:31:00
Who’s hot these days? Angel ina Jolie?Gag.Jessica Alba?Maybe if she had a paper bag over her head.No, no, no . . . my object of desire would DESTROY those cows in any beauty contest. Literally, she would destroy them -- either with her tennis racquet or her unusually muscular arms.I have a HUGE crush on pro tennis star Serena Williams! And this is no ordinary crush. It is borderline obsession. Why do I love her so much?Is it her unmatched talent on the tennis court? No.Is it her amazing man-like “she might be taking steroids” physique?No, but I’m jealous of it.Is it her unbelievable beauty?I figured some of you might assume that, based on this picture. I mean, look at her intense, bedroom eyes. Look at her lovely face that screams out, “I’m gonna eat you alive!” She's glowing . . . *sigh* . . . glowing. If my "chocolate angel" isn't hot, I don’t know what is.I love her for one reason and one reason alone -- I’m clinically retarded.
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Road Rage
2007-01-27 04:33:00
Some people hate it when other drivers cut you off, or go too slow in the fast lane, or give you the finger.Do you know what I really hate?Cops.
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Friendly Kiss (Entertainment News)
2007-01-25 12:00:00
Hi and welcome to "Entertainment News with HBJ!" where I put my spin on the latest Hollywood headlines.Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox to Make Out on Dirt Friend s fans may have been hoping for it for a decade or so and now their dreams can come true as websites reported this week that former co-stars Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox will share a lesbian kiss on the new FX series Dirt.Producers are also considering having the two actresses star in a new soap opera, "The Old and the Beautiful."Kevin Federline urges Britney Spears to go into rehab Kevin Federline is reportedly urging estranged wife Britney Spears to go into rehab after witnessing her vomit uncontrollably after another drunken night. Britney denies having a drinking problem -- she claims her vomiting was a result of listening to Federline's new rap CD.
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Elderly Etiquette
2007-01-24 22:30:00
I’m all about being socially courteous, but don’t you hate it when go into a store and hold the door for the person behind you, but they never grab the door? It seems like you’re holding the door for what seems like hours.So you let the door go, thinking they’re not coming inside. Then all of a sudden, like a rattlesnake trying to attack its’ prey, they LUNGE for the quickly closing door. But alas, their pounce is in vain because the door has inadvertently been slammed in their face!As a result, they stare you down like you ate their last cookie or something. And this day is no ordinary day. It’s “Cookie show and tell day.”You end up looking like this asshole with no patience because you let a door close on some poor old lady, and everybody looks at you thinking, “Geez, why didn’t he hold the door a little longer? What a jerk.”Don’t cha hate that? True story by the way.Hey old lady! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Next time, freakin’ RUN when I hold the door fo...
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Yo HBJ Raps
2007-01-23 12:49:00
What’s up with these rap videos? Have you seen one lately? I have NEVER seen anything more offensive in my whole life! I was watching MTV the other day and I couldn’t believe my eyes . . .Violence, drugs, guns, naked women being called “bitches” -- and that was just a commercial for “The Real World.”

You Have the Prettiest Eyes
2007-01-23 12:47:00
On more than one occasion I’ve had people tell me I have pretty eyes. But I must confess, I was not born with these mysterious, optic ornaments. No, no, no -- they are merely colored contact lenses. When people tell me I have pretty eyes, it brings up quite the moral dilemma. Do I lie? Do I keep the fantasy alive? Do I begin our relationship on a foundation of deceit?I haven’t been this confused since the time I was at Carl’s Jr. and the cashier was this hermaphrodite looking, pre-op transsexual He/She type person. Man or woman? I couldn’t tell!The “He/She” was like, “Here’s your change sir.”Nervously I replied with, “Thanks Man – uhhh . . . I mean . . . Ma’am? - uhhh . . . what I meant was . . . damn, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!”
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24 Hour Fatness
2007-01-23 12:46:00
As some of may know, I frequently go to 24 Hour Fitness (not to workout – I just like watching 5 TVs at the same time). What you may not know is that they have many obese employees. I kid you not. I’m not just loosely throwing the term “obese” around either. I’m not being insensitive. I’m being very serious here.Obese 24 Hour Fitness employees . . . you got to love the irony.It’s like a vegetarian working at a slaughter house, or Shaquille O’neal teaching free throw lessons, or Jessica Simpson acting in a movie.***update***I was just informed that Jessica has actually been in a couple movies. My mistake. I didn’t even know she could read.
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Stretch First
2007-01-08 07:52:00
You should always stretch before working out. I pulled a groin the other day -- the dude was so mad.
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Happy Holidays
2006-12-27 13:04:00
Christmas has come and gone, and I'm sad. My best present this year was a cheap, plastic, toy sword. Yes, a toy sword! I'm 27 years old for crying out loud.I'm PISSED! How can you give me a toy sword -- without the matching shield?Stop looking at my ass.
More About: Holidays , Holiday , Happy Holidays , Happy , Days

Kindergarten Memories *sigh*
2006-12-14 04:13:00
When I was in Kindergarten, I was the only asian kid in my class. So, my teacher assumed I couldn't speak in English, although I was born in San Diego and spoke perfect English, thank you very much.They put me in the ESL (English as a Second Language) program.I have memories of totally rockin' that sh*t. I was a cocky little 5 year old.My teacher would be like, "Ok, what does C-A-T spell?""That's cat, bitch. NEXT.""Ok, how about M-O-L-E-C-U-L-E?"After yawning, I returned with, "You bore me. A 'molecule' is an aggregate of two or more atoms in a definite arrangement held together by chemical bonds, DUH . . . Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, I'm leaving. Sesame Street is on."
More About: Arte , Mori , Memories , Memo , Sigh

Mother's Day
2006-12-13 13:59:00
If I call you a Realtor, it's because you sell real estate. If I call you a doctor, it's because you went to school for about ten years, got a PHD, and you practice medicine.But, I can call you a "Mother f*cker" -- even if you never had intercourse with a mom before!You can be a "Motherf*cker" without having the proper credentials . . . Amazing.
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Stupid Questions
2006-12-13 04:57:00
When I was little, I asked my Dad for a raise in my allowance. He asked me, "Do you think money grows on trees?"I remember thinking, "What the f*ck? No Dad, fruit grows on trees. Like oranges and apples and sh*t. If money grew on trees, I would NOT have asked for a raise in my allowance -- I would've asked you where the damn ladder was."
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Entertainment News with HBJ
2006-12-13 00:11:00
Hi and welcome to "Enter tainment News with HBJ!" Let's take a look at some of the crazy things that are currently making headlines, shall we? Nicole Richie arrested in Los AngelesNicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of drugs after her car was reported headed the wrong way on a freeway.When the officer asked her where she was going, Richie replied, "To a buffet." After taking one look at her frail body, the officer later told reporters he knew "that bitch was definitely smoking crack."Prince to Perform in NFL Super Bowl XLI Halftime ShowPrince, seen here performing on "Good Morning America" this summer, will headline the Super Bowl XLI halftime show on Feb. 4.Since the 2004 Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction," the NFL and CBS have put on seemingly safe artists from decades past. But critics groaned at ex-Beatle Paul McCartney’s out-of-touch tunes in 2005, and at the Rolling Stones’ elderly antics in 2006. Looks like this will ...
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The New Cleavage
2006-12-11 11:59:00
A new phenomenon is sweeping the nation.It was once taboo . . .All hooters waitresses have it. Their uniform accentuates this body part purposely. Hint: NOT boobs!I call it:THE NEW CLEAVAGEOnce upon time, lovehandles were frowned upon. Now, women everywhere are flaunting this trendy body part. I say, more power to you! In my native tongue (filipino), we call this body part: Bil-bil. Whenever I see a girl rockin' the new cleavage . . . it's UN-BIL-BIL-IEVABLE!
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All Jokes Aside
2006-12-11 04:35:00
When I started this blog, it wasn't supposed to be full of jokes. Somewhere along the way, I realized that laughter truly is the best medicine for life's worries and ills. Making someone smile or giggle really feels good. Try it sometime!So, if with this blog, I can make just one person look on the bright side of things, if I can make just one person smile, if I can make just one person laugh, then dammit - I'm not very funny.
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Midgets
2006-12-07 04:05:00
Why do we laugh and point when we see midgets in public? We should all be ashamed of ourselves.Last night at the gym I saw a midget jogging on a treadmill. I had to consciously stop myself from laughing out loud. I don't know, it just looked funny. And how in the world did he reach the start button?!Considering the fact I'm short myself, I should probably be more sensitive to little people and their plight.I have a theory on why we laugh at them. There is a direct corollary between who we choose to laugh at and our ability to kick their ass. Allow me to illustrate. If I saw a big, buff, gangster dude slip on a banana, am I going to laugh at him? If I value my health, HELL NO.If I laugh at a midget, what's the worse thing he can do to me? Bite my knee?
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Best Pickup Line EVER
2006-12-03 10:24:00
This one is for the fellas . . .Let's say you hit on a girl earlier and she rejected you. There's nothing better than some sweet revenge. When you see the girl again, hit her with this verbal ammunition - guaranteed good time.You: Hi again. I just wanted to tell you how much I like your top.Her: Go away creep!You: Yeah, it's amazing how well it hides your gut and flat chest.
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How to Speak Filipino
2006-12-01 14:28:00
Manny Pacquiao, the wildly popular Filipino boxer, fought on HBO recently and cemented his status as one of the best fighters in the world today.The only thing he can’t fight, however, is his horrible accent. Not good when you know you are going to get interviewed by Larry Merchant after the fight.In case you didn’t know, us Filipinos, tend to interchange the letter “F” with “P” and vice versa. It’s kind of embarrassing.And of course Manny, while the entire world is watching, decides to use ALL THE WORDS in the English language that start with the letter “F” and P” to put the spotlight on our most glaring weakness. Larry: “Congratulations on your win, Manny.”Manny: “Yeah, it was a good pight - my funches were berry good. I’d like to thank the Fresident of the Pill-a-ppines por preeing the slabes . . . and”Larry: “Manny, I think that was Lincoln who freed the slaves.” Manny: “One last thing Larry. I’d just like to say, Feter Fifer Ficked a Feck o...
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Fun with the Door-to-Door Vacuum Salesman
2006-11-30 01:38:00
The Door-to-Door Vacuum Sale s man. You gotta love him. It takes a brave man to annoy people and expect to make money selling something I can buy at Sears or Target.The next time you get one knocking at your door, don't be rude and say "I'm not interested." Instead, follow my advice and I guarantee you will have a ton of FUN!Have him come inside and let him unpack his briefcase and brochures. Even encourage him to show you the amazing suction powers of the vacuum. Be sure to act super interested the whole time.Then out of nowhere say, "Wow! That vacuum really sucks!" When you want him to leave just say, "You know what, I'm just not interested today."After he leaves wait about a minute then yell, "Hold on!" Then motion with your hand for him to come back. He will probably be thinking, "Yes! I might get a sale after all. Yippy."When he comes back, scream in his face, "AND I WON'T WANT ONE TOMORROW EITHER!" Slam door. Teehee.
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