Maxine's House of Ill ReputeMaxine's House of Ill ReputeHumor, rants and raves for all the Fart Blossoms of the World Articles
Panic at the Disco
2008-04-08 10:16:00 I’m sorry I didn’t write yesterday, Fart Blossoms, but I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in years. I was 30 seconds from hauling my ass down the street to the ho-spital, but I couldn’t decide if I should go to Crawford Long for decent medical treatment, or Grady Memorial, where they could lock ... More About: Funny , Panic At The Disco , Disco , Panic
Services Canceled
2008-04-06 14:50:00 Sadly, services at the Church of Ill Repute have been canceled this morning, all because of some gawdamned eggrolls. Fridy night after work, me and the girls decided we was hungry, so we went to the Kung Fu Fightin’ Buffet for a little snacky-snack. We like to go there because the waiters refill the buffet “fast ... More About: Funny , Services
Church Bulletin
2008-04-04 18:51:00 Ya’ll need to tune in this Sundy (prolly in the afternoon, ’cause Mama might go out Saturdy night) for services up in the Church of Ill Repute. Here’s the bulletin: Invocation by the Reverend Mother Maxine LeGay Tithing for the Liquor Church Fund Announcements *Monthly Mission Trip to Injun Casino Reservation *Choir of the Ill Repute Trip to Sizzler Practice *Status ... More About: Funny , Bulletin
Hi, My Name is Maxine, and I?m a?
2008-04-03 11:47:00 When I was growing up, you knew somebody was fixin’ to throw down when they took off their shirt. It didn’t matter if the participants were male, female or transgendered - if the shirts came off, there was fixin’ to be a fight. To this day, I have no idea why people in my hometown took ... More About: Funny , Atlanta
Help Maxine Fight the Good Fight (UPDATED)
2008-04-02 22:16:00 UPDATE: I may not have an ass, but I sure feel like one. I should have remembered (thanks, Pink Ladybugs) that “Buddy Christ” was the name of the newer, cooler Jesus from Kevin Smith’s film, “Dogma.” I’ll write more tomorrow morning about dealing with my angry, bitter, old queen issues. Dammit. Ya’ll, this ol’ ho ... More About: Fight , Good , Larry King , The Good
Mama Needs a New Ass
2008-04-02 18:41:00 Fart Blossoms, I’ve lost a bit of weight lately (thanks, Topomax!) and I’m now down to a 28″ waist, which I haven’t had since the 8th grade. I foolishly thought that with my tinier waist, I’d finally have an ass, but I just got done lookin’ at it in the mirror in the bathroom here ... More About: Funny , Mama
Jay Leno is an Asshole
2008-04-02 11:21:00 Jay Leno is an Asshole . With a capital “A”. He’s always been an asshole, and he’ll always be an asshole. He makes me miss Johnny Carson so much, that sometimes I start cryin’ when the nightly news ends. Now, Jay Leno has done gone and shown his assholism anew. Take a few minutes and watch what ...
Is It a Full Moon or Somethin??
2008-04-01 22:11:00 This shit is di-rectly from the Topix.com forum from my hometown today. Apparently, everybody in town has be done gone apeshit, ya’ll. Fight At the Courthouse With BATS Posted in the Caruthersville Forum Comments Wondir Caruthersville, MO #1 2 hrs ago I just heard on the police scanner fight at the courthouse with bats then they called for an ambulance Does anyone know who ... More About: Funny , Humor , Full Moon , Moon , Atlanta
Ya?ll Ain?t Gonna Believe This Shit?
2008-04-01 12:44:00 I’m… well, I’m nearly speechless. Nearly. As I’ve said before, in the South, you know yer gonna hear a good story when somebody says, “Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit,” and Fart Blossoms, ya’ll ain’t. At least I didn’t. There I sat this morning, watching the news, drinking my Diet Mountain Dew, eating my gluten-loaded Pop ... More About: Funny , Shit , Gonna
My Magnificent Moonbeam
2008-03-31 11:52:00 My magnificent friend, Moonbeam McQueen, has run a guest column of sorts that I wrote for her awhile back. I thought a few of ya’ll might get a kick out of it. Check it out by clicking here. Moonbeam’s a pretty amazing lady, and I’m incredibly taken with her. The Color Purples are also very fond of ...
The Church of Ill Repute
2008-03-30 21:03:00 Fart Blossoms, ol’ Maxine took a big step on her spiritual journey today, and I owe it all to Trailer Park Barbie. I have become an ordained minister. I am now the REVEREND MOTHER MAXINE LEGAY. It’s true. Here’s my Certificate of Ordination: That’s right, Fart Blossoms. I can now officiate at weddings, births, funerals, animal blessings and drag ... More About: Church , Humor , Faith , Atlanta , The Church
The Color Purples
2008-03-30 21:02:00 Hello, my Fart Blossoms. Open auditions have been held, and the line-up for The Color Purples, my back-up singers, has been set. Here they are… I don’t know her name, and she cain’t sing for shit, but with fashion sense like this, how could I say no? Her rendition of “And I Be Tellin’ Yo Ass, I Ain’t ...
And the Winner Is?
2008-03-30 21:02:00 The results are in, and some crooked CPA that usually works for the mob has tabulated the results and the winner of the “Name That Car Contest” is… …technically, no one. But one entrant did manage to inspire me. However, before we get to the name of the new Mustang and the winner, here are the ... More About: Winner
Name That Car!!!
2008-03-28 12:46:00 … that’s right, Fart Blossoms! It’s time for your favorite new prime time game show, NAME! THAT! CAR! NOTE: No cash or prizes will be awarded and there are no sponsors, so don’t expect any Rice-A-Roni, either, bitches. Gradon is keeping Maudezilla, which is keeping her name, but I now need an absolutely fabulous name for the ... More About: Taxes , School
Maxine?s Cure for the Common ?I?m Pissy? Blues
2008-03-28 12:46:00 … I bought a new car. It’s a 2008 Ford Mustang convertible. The above picture is identical to the new ride, right down to the dark candy apple red exterior and parchment interior. NOTE: Getting INTO debt makes Maxine feel good. Getting OUT of debt makes Maxine feel bad. Now, ya’ll just wait. I don’t want folks writing ... More About: Blues , Common , Cure
Well, Shit.
2008-03-28 12:46:00 As I’m sure I’ve mentioned several times, in addition to working full-time, blogging part-time and keeping my nose hairs from taking over my face in the middle of the night (I sleep with emergency tweezers), I’m also a full-time student. I didn’t do too well my first time around in college - I finished my first ... More About: School , Shit
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
2008-03-25 19:28:00 Ya’ll, I’m so excited, that I feel like a Pointer Sister. GEORGE MICHAEL IS COMING TO ATLANTA!!!!! I know! I can’t quit squealing!!!! I’ve already called a couple of girlfriends, and we’re gonna take of the week of July 31 so that we can stake out the public restrooms at Piedmont Park in midtown so that we can ... More About: Funny , George Michael , Wake
Killer B?s
2008-03-25 18:08:00 Hey, Fart Blossoms. Ya’ll, I know monies is real tight these days, but once in awhile, you just have to do something to make yourself feel better. As such, I’m instructing each and every one of ya’ll to go out this week and buy the B-52’s new album - FUNPLEX, or download it, or whatever. I haven’t ... More About: Funny , Killer , Atlanta
Thanks, Easta Gangsta
2008-03-24 10:18:00 Ahh, Easter . The day that Christians celebrate the resurrection of their Lord, Jesus Christ. In my neighborhood, it’s the day that folks get their crunk on, then drive around and randomly fire guns into the air and at each other. Occassionally, the po-po drive through at 110 mph to join in the fun, but mostly it’s ... More About: Funny , Humor , Gangsta
Alive (But Not Kicking)
2008-03-23 23:11:00 Hey, Fart Blossoms. Did ya’ miss me? I’m sorry it’s been so long. I know, I’ve been a bad blogger, but the flu damn near killed me. Since I haven’t written in so long, this one’s going to be a long post, so sit back and grab some coffee (Red - go hide ... More About: Funny , Humor , Life , Sick , Alive
Blech
2008-03-18 11:10:00 I hate being sick, but I am. My boss was very concerned about me - and wanted to be sure I’d be in the office today. I plan to sneeze, hack and wipe snot on everything. (sigh) Not really, but I can dream. More About: Humor , Blech
The House Began to Pitch
2008-03-16 12:54:00 I don’t know who she is or why she’s in the paper, but she could have put on a bra. I hope they weren’t with the “ficus tree” company. Don’t worry, Fart Blossoms, the House of Ill Repute is fine. Unless you live in a vacuum (hopefully, a Dyson, because it never loses suction), you know by now that ... More About: Funny , Humor , Pitch , The House
I?m Yo Pusha Man
2008-03-16 12:53:00 I guess this means you like me, you really, really like me! I had be done won an award and this time, I didn’t nominate myself! Red, the hottest gym momma you ever did see in her nummers, has awarded me “The Daily Dose” Award, and I gotta tell ya’ll, this means more to mean than any ... More About: Funny
Cold Turkey
2008-03-14 10:18:00 Honestly, I don’t know why people insist upon calling the po-po on me everywhere I go. It’s not like I’m an imposing figure. I’m a 35-year-old blondish gay white male, 5-foot-six-inches, 160 150 lbs. , I wear glasses and if you passed me on the street, you’d figure I couldn’t take a punch or hurt a ... More About: Funny , Humor , Turkey , Cold
Save the Condominium, Save the World
2008-03-13 10:37:00 I’ve been worried about Sista Sharon H. She’s having a rough time at work because she’s surrounded by idiots and assholes. Actually, that’s only part of the problem. I realized yesterday morning that the real problem is Sista Sharon H. herself. Sista Sharon’s problem is that she gives a shit and busts her ass to do ... More About: Funny , Humor , World , The World , Save
A Phone Call From Home?
2008-03-11 10:14:00 It’s never good news when Aint Jeanne calls. I don’t have any pictures of Aint Jeanne, but I found this picture of Aint Jemima and since their names sound kinda the same, I went with it. Anyhoo, it’s never good news. The last two calls before last night were… “Honey, I don’t know if there’s TV’s where you’re ... More About: Humor , Phone , Home , Call , Phone call
Maxine?s Press Release Regarding Eliot Spitzer
2008-03-11 10:14:00 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - My publicist say I don’t know no Eliot Spitzer. She say, “No matter what, bitch, deny, deny, deny.” She say I don’t know nothing ’bout no ‘prostitution rings’ - ‘cock rings’, yes, but ‘prostitution rings’, no. She also say I don’t employ no high-class brunettes. At least that’s the truth. Everybody wants blondes. ... More About: Funny , Press Release , Press , Release
The New ?Bristo?
2008-03-11 10:13:00 + Aint Jeanne did have one very interesting tidbit of news from Caruthersville last night. After more years than I care to count, the local gift shop, the Yarn-It, is closing. The guy who bought the building is going to open… well, I’ll let Aint Jeanne tell you… “He’s gonna open a wine and cheese bristo.” “A ... More About: Humor
Vote for Me, Bitches!!!
2008-03-09 12:53:00 I’ve been nominated for a Major award, Fart Blossoms! Granted, I did the nominating, but still. This is a big deal. It means that I’m think I’m pretty fucking funny, and besides, why should all those Ho-llywood assholes get all the love and adoration? I want something for my mantle, too! I haven’t won anything since ... More About: Funny , Humor , Vote , Drag , Bitches
The Legend of Maxine and Cooter Brown
More articles from this author:2008-03-08 13:48:00 My dearest Fart Blossoms - especially Wendy over at What I’m Doing Right Now - if you ever, ever, take any advice from this old ho, then take the following advice to heart: DO NOT BUY A PIG AT THE FLEA MARKET. I’m speaking from di-rect experience here, Fart Blossoms, so I know what I’m talking about. ... More About: Funny , Humor , Brown , Drag , Legend 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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