Maxine's House of Ill ReputeMaxine's House of Ill ReputeHumor, rants and raves for all the Fart Blossoms of the World Articles
Would You Be My Neighbor - The Wrath of Khan
2008-02-05 04:29:00 Ya’ll, we had us a real, live, dead celebrity arrested up in the hood this weekend. I’d like to introduce you to Vincent Price (I shit thee not), who has returned from the dead to apparently get his drank on, since he was arrested in DeKalb County for Public Intoxi-ma-cation. The master of schlock ... More About: Khan , Wrath
The Pillz That Cure Your Illz
2008-02-05 03:55:00 I had my usual 3-month check-up today and I’m happy to report the following: 1. I actually do have a heart.2. My liver has not torn its way out of my torso, leaving a note behind that reads, "Fuck this shit. You’re on your own, asshole."3. I’m going to be around for quite awhile. I do, however, ... More About: Cure
The Lost Art of the Courtesy Flush
2008-02-03 21:47:00 I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: whatever happened to good breeding? If it were a turd, no one would bother to flush it. I’m bitching and moaning today about the lost art of the Courtesy Flush . Listen up, Fart Blossoms, this shit’s important, m’kay? When I’m not overseeing the operations here at the ... More About: Lost
Best Names in the A-T-L
2008-01-30 02:16:00 First, you always know in the South that you’re gonna hear somethin’ good when somebody says, “Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit.” Well, honey, ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit.” The “Atlanta Journal-Constitution” has done a study of all of the baby names in Georgia over the past 18 years and it is my appointed duty, as ... More About: Funny , Humor , Names
The Best Plague Cake in the Entire South!!!
2008-01-30 01:08:00 What we got right here, my Fart Blossoms, is the finest "Plagues of Egypt" cake ever fashioned for a Sundy School Class in all of the South ern United States (as if a Yankee could ever have this much gumption!). Sista Sharon H. has provided the House of Ill Repute with this fine snapshot, along with ... More About: Entire , Cake , Tire
VS2003
2008-01-29 01:02:00 His name is VS2003, and I want him. I don’t know if that’s actually what they call him in the orphanage in Russia, but something tells me it is. Nobody wants him there, and it’s illegal under that nation’s laws for a Russian family to adopt him. VS2003 is HIV-positive. I think he’s beautiful. There is a major ...
Would You Be My Neighbor - A New Hope
2008-01-29 00:58:00 I love meeting my neighbors through the DeKalb County Police Department’s daily list of everyone in my zip code who was arrested the night before. This gentlemen was arrested for giving a false name to police. His name - hand to God - is "SHERRY DEAN STEWART." Well, fuck. Wouldn’t you? Tags: Maxine Says, Atlanta, Ghetto Life, ... More About: Hope
Some Random Thoughts from Maxine?
2008-01-28 19:02:00 What the fuck is the Reflex, and why is it a lonely child? In fact, other than "Girls on Film," what does any Duran Duran song mean? Yesterday was Armagedon Day on the History Channel, which kicked off with an hour program about how the mid-South will be destroyed by an earthquake emanating from southeast ... More About: Random Thoughts , Random , Thoughts
Going Home
2008-01-27 03:20:00 The last time I saw Chance Pritchard, I was sitting in my car in front of Kwik Check. Chance walked outside and looked up, the glint of recognition crossing his face. I’d known Chance for nearly his entire life - his big sister, Nicki, was my "surrogate" big sister who took care of me ... More About: Home
I?m Leaving the Cult
2008-01-24 15:11:00 I am officially over it. I feel like the congressman is about to leave Guyana and I just saw some ladies mixing grape Kool-Aid out back and it just hit me that I really don’t need to be in Jonestown anymore and better get my ass back to the States before Reverend Jim tells ... More About: Cult , The Cult , Leaving
Define ?Dumbass??
2008-01-23 17:25:00 Yes, that really is a plug-in, floating in flip-flops. Services will be held at 2 p.m. (Thanks to Sista Sharon H. for the pic!) More About: Funny , Humor , Dumbass , Define
Recession?
2008-01-22 16:50:00 I don’t know, but I’m on the way to the bank to get all my shit out and bury it in the backyard in a coffee can. You don’t think the dogs’ll dig it up and eat all twenty-four cents of my life savings, do you? More About: Economy , Recession
Sex in the Middle Ages
2008-01-21 15:06:00 Tags: Maxine Says, Sex, Middle Age, 30’s, Teens, 20’s, Gay, Humor, Comedy, Life, Funny The Top 10 things I thought about during sex in my teens and 20’s… 10. Damn, I wish he’d be quiet. The preacher’s gonna hear us.9. Damn, I wish he’d be quiet. His parents are gonna hear us.8. Damn, I wish he’d be ... More About: Ages
An Addendum About Drinking?
2008-01-21 00:08:00 … of course, I shall continue to make fun of it. ’Cause that’s how I roll. More About: Drinking , Addendum
Why I Drink
2008-01-20 14:57:00 There’s a reason I don’t drink very often any more. Last year, I finally figured out that, all kidding aside, I’m not an alcoholic. What I am is a binge drinker. I’m one of those people that can’t join friends for “a drink.” I can, however, join friends for pouring cheap alcohol into my body ... More About: Drink , Alcohol , Drunk , Margaret Cho , Wanda Sykes
Shut Up, Bitches. My Hair Hurts?
2008-01-20 02:08:00 It’s been quiet today around the House of Ill Repute, probably because Maxine failed the John Hopkins University Hospital Alcohol Dependency Test last night. Today, I’m dependent upon pizza, ice cream and my couch. We’ll talk more later. Kisses! More About: Hair , Hangover , Bitches , Shut , Shut Up
iPods and Best Friends
2008-01-18 20:19:00 The greatest invention of the 21st Century so far has got to be the iPod . I LOVE my fucking iPod. I take it everywhere - I listen to it at work all day, in my car, at home - it’s my best friend. I generally leave my iPod on “Shuffle Songs” and with over 8,000 songs ... More About: Friends , Dallas , Atlanta , Van Morrison
A Word from a Military Wife (and a Few from Maxine)
2008-01-18 19:10:00 I received this message from Kim T. today about her husband, Scott, who is serving our country in Iraq , and wanted to share it with everyone: Hi All. Just wanted to let everyone know that Scott’s location and mission have changed. He is now at Tallil Air Base in the Southestern portion of Iraq. Scott is VERY ... More About: Middle East , Military , George Bush , Wife
Sleeping In The Wet Spot
2008-01-18 02:07:00 You know, Fart Blossoms, I try to keep things light and breezy around the House of Ill Repute, or at least opinionated and ignunt, but sometimes I feel compelled to share something real - visceral, perhaps - with all 6 of my regular readers. This is such a post. HIV sucks. Taking all the meds ... More About: Humor , Sleeping , New Orleans , Spot , Menopause
Hi, AT&T? Does My Warranty Cover Pee-Pee?
2008-01-18 01:51:00 So, I went to the little girls’ room today to stepped up to the urinal. Thankfully, I got the “adult” one, because there was already a guy at the “kiddie” one (I hate that one). And, as I attempted to look at anything but the guy standing next to me (he wasn’t cute), I realized ... More About: Funny , Humor , Bathroom , Cover , Warranty
URGENT - Prayer Meetin? at the House of Ill Repute
2008-01-17 16:28:00 Fart Blossoms, we’ve got an urgent issue facing us today. One of our sisters is suffering something bad, and we’ve got to have a prayer meeting up in here at the House of Ill Repute right-the-fuck-away! So git out yer prayer beads, your rosaries, your crosses, holier-than-thou water, your incense, light up the fire in ... More About: Friends , Dolly Parton , Sylvester Stallone , Prayer
Special Message for the Fart Blossoms
2008-01-17 16:10:00 Today and possibly tomorrow - and maybe even the weekend - are going to be busy here at the House of Ill Repute, so check in CONSTANTLY for updates. I’ve got a manic stage coming, so I’ll channel some of that energy here. None of it will make any sense, and I’ll probably sound like Miss ... More About: Message , Special , Fart , Mess
ACLU Says Tea Rooms are Private, Ladies!
2008-01-16 14:49:00 Maxine absolutely ADORES the ACL&U!!! Those folks are as entertaining as a weekend doing ‘ludes with Elizabeth Taylor while constantly injecting Botox into Sharon Stone, which is something Maxine knows all about, my little Fart Blossoms! According to the ACL&U, these United States can do away with all of those pesky security guards at all the ... More About: Politics , Humor , Bathroom , Private , First Amendment
Maxine?s Next Vacation Destination?
2008-01-16 02:19:00 http://dumbfoundedone.wordpress.com/2008/ 01/15/are-you-fucking-kidding-me/ I‘m on the phone with Delta RIGHT NOW!!! More About: Funny , Humor , Vacation , Destination , Fucking
Mike Huckabee Hates Madge!
2008-01-15 22:11:00 People often ask me why I no longer identify as a Christian and why I’ve begun to explore alternative religions. Although this isn’t written by Mike Huckabee , it’s indicative of my impression of the Evangelical Christian movement. Check out this blog post regarding Madonna written by one of the Huckster’s supporters (by the way, “Madonna” is ... More About: Religion , Christianity
If You Don?t Start Drinkin?, I?m Gonna Leave
2008-01-15 15:09:00 Do you pop out at parties?Are you unpoopular?Well? Are ya’? All the answers are in this bittle lottle. This lottle bittle. This stuff right here. According to the John Hopkins University Hospital Alcohol Screening Quiz , Lucy was an alcoholic. The author of the assessment states that if you answer 3 or more of the following questions with ... More About: Humor , Leave , Start , Drunk
Maxine?s Guide to Etiquette and Class in the 21st Century
2008-01-14 22:41:00 I?ve been ruminatin? today on my argument posited regarding R-A-C-E in the U-S-A (I?m in a John Cougar kinda mood today, Fart Blossoms), and realized that it?s nobody?s fault that ain?t nobody got no class anymore. Etiquette isn?t taught in or schools or, apparently, in most homes, and ol? Maxine realized what most people need ... More About: Rolls Royce , Race , The Apprentice , Guide
CN&N and the Dems? Family Feud
2008-01-14 22:19:00 I just caught a glimpse of the CN&N (I prefer to call it that, because it makes it sound more like a turn-of-the-century railroad than a TV station) and the ticker read, ?DEMS BATTLE OVER RACE? and then there was footage of Hillary hugging a black man and then Barack talking to some white folks. ... More About: Politics , Family , Democrats , Republicans , Journalism
Barack Obama and the Race Card
2008-01-14 01:16:00 I was just reading some great stuff on Joe.My.God., which is quickly becoming one of my favorite blogs, about all the race baiting related to Barack Obama and his run for the presidency. Even Roseanne Barr chimed in recently (I don’t agree with everything she types, but she gets props for saying whatever the hell she thinks). And I’m ... More About: Card , Hillary Clinton , Race
In Re: Tampons for Africa
More articles from this author:2008-01-13 19:13:00 Did you Fart Blossoms know that my loverly little blog tells me what search terms people use to reach the House of Ill Repute? Yep, it does. And just for the record, Africa does NOT need USED tampons. Dumbass. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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