Brett and His Typewriter Brett and His Typewriter Brett harasses companies and organizations - with an offensive little bit of humor - on an actual typewriter. Articles
No. No, you can't have any.
2008-04-04 22:15:00 So, for a solid month now, I've posted a letter for every weekday, plus fairly frequent updates on weekends. I need a goddamn break. Don't worry, I'll just be gone the weekend. Kickball and alcohol are on the agenda.Traffic has gone through the roof here, and it's probably a bad time to need a break... but there's only so much quality and class that I can cram up your ass at one time.I'll be returning with more "ASK JESUS", and plenty more letters. Your feedback keeps me going. If you're too shy a flower to talk to me, at least e-mail Jesus to ask him a question.Hearts and sex,BrettP.S. If you're a total asshole who simply needs to laugh, here's a good link from the past: Click here, you greedy slut.
Maybelline/Garnier Writes to Brett
2008-04-01 14:54:00 Companies will apologize for anything.Remember when I wrote a completely neutral, disinterested consumer letter to Garnier Fructis? Well, they got back to me:That's $10 I've "earned" from my labor. That pays for registering this domain for a year. Maybe if I complain to Fort Knox I'll get a complimentary bar of gold.Ooh, I should complain to Elizabeth Berg about something. More About: Maybelline , Brett
Trojan Condoms Writes to Brett
2008-03-28 13:50:00 I get asked probably once a day what kind of replies I get to my letters. I get very, very few replies. These letters are frequently offensive and ignorant enough that they don't even warrant a reply from the most magnanimous and consumer-friendly of organizations.So imagine my surprise last night when probably my most absurd and stupid letter got a response. There was a thick envelope waiting for me when I got home from work last night. Who wrote to lil' ol' me? The Church & Dwight Company, Inc. These guys are the parent company of Trojan condoms.Click here to read my incredibly stupid letter.Because of my supposed raging ignorance about condoms, they were kind enough to send a small brochure about how to use their product next time I'm with the lady-folk. The form letter from them was half disappointing, and half hilarious.I write to them suggesting that their water balloons might be good for sex, and they say "sorry".Also, for my trouble, they sent me a check for $5. (I'... More About: Condoms , Brett
Ask Jesus: A new advice column at B&HT
2008-03-23 01:06:00 Along the right panel of the website, I'll be featuring "Ask Jesus ".Today is the column's first installment. Jesus answers a letter from Janet in Gainesville, Florida. Click play to hear Jesus' reply.Dear Jesus, Just recently I passed through Louisiana on a drive to Florida. On a stop at a gas station, I came across the most amazing thing.... single-dose birth control packets! Should I trust these little miracle pills to block the trucker’s tadpoles?Word to your mother, yo.JanetHit play to hear Jesus' reply:If the player doesn't load for you, click this link instead: Listen to Jesus!E-mail Jesus at: jesuschrist@typewriterbrett.com More About: Advice , Column
Brett Writes to Pro-Literacy Worldwide
2008-03-20 20:10:00 Also, a quick question. Is writing "Fuck the illiterate!" more like flipping off a blind man, or listening patiently to a mute? More About: Literacy , Worldwide , Brett
Brett Writes to the Associated Press
2008-03-10 17:16:00 The AP Finds Drugs in Drinking Water More About: Press , Associated Press , Brett
Brett Writes to Chicago's Dumbest Councilman
2008-03-05 18:56:00 Chicago hopes to ban small plastic bags. More About: Councilman , Brett
Not dead...
2008-02-27 20:31:00 ...I just wish I was. I've been sick for the past nine days, and I'm not getting better.My guess? My manhood is just too massive, and my heart can't handle it anymore.Actually, it's looking like tonsilitis or mono. I tried to write a letter last night, and I couldn't even keep my hands up. Cusssses. More as soon as I'm able. More About: Dead
Brett Proudly Presents The First Annual Golden Sleeve of Wizard Award
2008-02-04 22:20:00 As one might colloquially say, Bud Light done fucked up. I present this internationally renowned award of shame to Bud Light for their "Ability to Fly" commercial. This commercial had all opportunity to offend and be funny. Instead, it was lamer than Christopher Reeve's legs and Al Gore's personality combined into one flaccid member. Watch this commercial and observe as the once-funny Anheuser-Busch makes sure not to offend Auntie Mildred's Pampered Chef parties. More About: Presents , Award , Golden , Wizard , Brett
The Brett M Jensen Awesomeness Institute Archives Has Opened!
2008-01-25 15:50:00 The BJAI has opened the doors on its newest facility!Presenting The Brett M Jensen Awesomeness Institute Archives . This 405-story monolith to greatness will be completed later this afternoon. (The lead engineer's life depends on it) The structure is to house letters not featured on the website's front page. They haven't moved to retirement. They've just moved to the tallest structure on earth. You can access these little trips into pant-wetting nostalgia by navigating to archived letters on the right bar, or by clicking "Older Posts" at the bottom of the front page. Only the 25 most incredible (read: Newest) letters will be featured here.Oh yeah, and kiss my ass. More About: Opened |
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