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Shitting Pretty
2007-10-16 06:20:00
My apartment manager and I are in the middle of a shit war. Without disclosing the contents of an essay about our shitistory (fear not, you'll be able to read it soon! As if, Schwartzy. Anywho), our shituation has escalated. After taking my toilet's hand in marriage without my consent, he came back to the scene of the crime to (wink-wink) check on who-the-fuck-remembers, so he could chat up a storm and shit himself into a frenzy.Ever since I denied him that porcelain privilege, I've noticed a faint, yet noticeable stench of anal wretchedness that no ass should legally be able to produce, just outside my bathroom window a few times a week. What should be a grassy area between my building and the building next door is a gassy area thanks to shitfucker.While sitting in my kitchen this afternoon, I caught him quietly skulking past me and towards my bathroom window. I ripped open the blinds and said, WHATRYA DOIN?! He was so stunned, he said, Oh, oh, oh, nada, nada-nada-pipes-pipes-pi...
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Retard Revolution
2007-10-15 00:01:00
Remember that post I wrote about the Special Olympics of Grocery Shopping? I figgered you didn't, so hit the link and catch up. I know, I'm Snatcherella today. Deal. Or flee.This afternoon my sister and I hit our new grocery store because we banned the SOGS store. The manager was an assholic prick about the mentally challenged. After you tell a manager you see on a daily basis that they're stupid and offensive, better to stick to your guns and not give them your business, right? Right.I am here to say that there is an explosive retard revolution happening in the retail grocery industry in shlock angeles that I was not aware of. It's about fuckin' time if you ask me. The lines are longer. Bagging is a cooperative endeavor and if you're paying by credit or check card, you're gonna have to swipe twice on a good day, three on a bad day. Doable, honey. Do-a-ble.Walking into the store today was like going to a sports arena to watch The Norms vs. The Tards in their final game of the...
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To Jewgirl From Christian Mortgage Company
2007-10-14 05:47:00
Jesus spams me a lot. When you spend that much time schlepping on a cross, I suppose the idea of not schlepping something feels foreign. He's gotta hawk something, so why not mortgage. He's also sent me life and health insurance quotes. He's so busy with himself that Jesus.In my box today. Not vadge, e-box, he sent me a low interest rate mortgage and vowed not to base his final decision on my religious or sexual orientation. Check out the highlights below.Subject: Rates as low as 4.625%You Could Start Your New Year with a Lower Mort gage Payment! Refinance Today! Spend 2007 with more money every month: More money for credit payments More money for car payments More money for school payments More money for life payments! Life Payments? The subtext feels very, for the extortionist, pedophile or embezzler in you. Ok, this is my favorite part: Christian Family Loans is not affiliated with, or sponsored or endorsed by any religion or faith-based institution. This advertisement is not ...
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Yup, I'm Weird
2007-10-12 05:21:00
This morning while pouring my fresh, hot percolated coffee into my favorite mug, out popped, Good morning you stunning piece of ass you. And then I realized... it is.Sadly, my fabulous vinty Wedgewood stove peeled and had to be replaced. My slumlords replaced it with the trailoriest of stoves. This little shit belongs in a triple slide, not my Jewliciouskitch.
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Dieting Woes and Fat Chach
2007-10-11 05:16:00
So, I'm on a diet. I'm 90% off dairy. No pasta. No bread. It sucks fat mannequin ass. I'm so happy, though because I was finally able to lose 10 pounds. I wasn't in a position to lose weight for too long and not because I couldn't shut my pie hole, for other reasons.My metabolism just might be heading back to normalville and God willing the weight will keep falling off, like dead-leaves, like sands through the hourglass... these are the days of our lives. Wait, that's a soap opera, right?Anyhooch, I found some fuck off hilar squared URLs that I had to share because I'm a freak. If I can't stuff my face with fat, I need to remind myself why I'm being a good diet soldier. I'm not dining on dick at the minute, so I must entertain myself in other ways. Plus size caskets, more chunky but funky caskets and still more. Are you plotzing? Yeah, me too. Moving right along. Fat Cities- no joke fat heaven. Plus Size Yellow Pages- why it's just faterific squared! Ample Stuff- fat chac...
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Smack Dab on Censorship
2007-10-06 23:02:00
Check out Diva Smack 's blog. I adore this broad. She's generous, kind, smart, caring and always there when you need her, always. Welcome her back. This incredible dame has been wrongfully accused and harassed by a group of Internet censorship loving nutbags. Check out this post and this one. Run. Read. Now.
More About: Censorship

Anne Culter Qute
2007-10-06 20:07:00
Cunt-scream-a-bitch's latest quote is shocking, appalling and disgusting. Of course I had to blog it. "If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president. It’s kind of a pipe dream, it’s a personal fantasy of mine, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it’s the party of women and ‘We’ll pay for health care and tuition and day care — and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?’" Her stupidity is offensive. PS: Sad as this is to admit, she has a VAGINA.
More About: Anne

NY Craigslist Personal Ad and Response
2007-10-05 06:01:00
This is too hilar not to pass along. The guy's response is fabulous. I love him so hard, my vulva lips are twitching. He's got almost as much moxie as I do. Could his balls be as big as my ovaries? Nahhhhh. As for the broad... what is she doing setting women back a hundred years?! Quit with the hedge funds and start creating vadgefunds all by yourself! You can do it, vagareena. Take a hit for the team and woman up. 25-year-old shameless diva seeks money-money-money What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who...
More About: Personal , Craigslist , Response

Chris Crocker
2007-10-04 04:18:00
The goddess that is diva Chris COCKer has updated her MySpace page. She's even included a sassy top model photo gallery. I love this queen. Did you know she's a preacher?! Can you be a Catholic preacher? If not, she must convert right now. Have you seen the robes? Divine! She would look gorgeous in this one, it's very dramatic. With an open toe gold heal and the right up-do, this one screams come fuck me. Final robe, I promise. It's just so perfect for a parade, right?!
More About: Crocker , Croc

Putting the Fun in dysfunctional
2007-10-04 03:20:00
The meshpucha sped right past The Thornbirds remake today. How did we do it? Baggage. God forbid one piece of luggage be thrown out JUST TO BALANCE the load a bit. Oh, no, no, no. That would be responsible and make others happy. Who cares. They're mine and I love them.My sister is on her way ovah. Can't wait.We had a fabulous social call. I like this, real time blogging. Ok, I'm done now. I'm exhausted and need to make myself horizontal. I am listening to Nessun Dorma--that helps a lot.Do not forget to click over to Boobiethon and submit the divas and/or donate cash. Photo Credit: OuttaContext.
More About: Putting

Hmm...
2007-10-02 06:32:00
Definitely Thornbirds...

Cormac's 6S Kicks Ass
2007-10-02 03:32:00
Cormac Brown has written a beatufiul 6S. Run Read. Now: 24fps
More About: Kicks

Fuckin Tits
2007-10-02 03:31:00
Flaunt your beautiful boobies for Boobiethon this year and/or make a donation. Ya like em'? You want keep em'? Save em'.It's been a surreal few days. I think my family is fast becoming a poorly made, goyisha revision of The Thornbirds. I just need a gay priest to fall in love with. Know any?I've also been fielding questions about the whereabouts of The Kid. I'm trying to handle it graciously. My responses are contingent upon my mood. It's just too overwhelming sometimes to engage in deathversations. There are two questions that bug the shit out of me. How did he die? I am guilty of asking that one, too. The second one I wouldn't dream of asking, How old was he? As if a certain age justifies the death. I know. I know. I know, everyone deals with death their own way. Sing that song and dance somewhere else, sister.By Sunday, I was on dead dog overload, so when I was asked how The Kid was doing, I said, he's fine. The guy responded and said, I'm glad cause I really like him. ...
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The Dish (Update) Saturday September 29
2007-09-29 05:42:00
The fabulous Crionaberry's LA Writers Group has a booth at this year's West Hollywood Book Fair. Be sure to stop by and show your support! It's this weekend. Below are the details. Run. Go. Now.Before you solidify your fabulous weekend plans, make sure to schedule in an hour or so to stop by the West Hollywood Book Fair this Sunday, September 30th, and say hello to us! Admission is free, and we have our very own booth there! While you're there, ask us about our new one-day writing seminars, which we are announcing at the fair, and participate in the magical Exquisite Corpse writing exercise which we will later post on our Web site. Exquisite Corpse is an ongoing poem where each person writes two lines without seeing the preceding lines. We will also have a few groovy new LAwritersgroup.com T-shirts to purchase. At the West Hollywood Book Fair, check out this seminar with Rye-Rye's wife, How to Make a Book a Success from 3:00-3:45pm with Betsy Amster, Barbara DeMarco-Barrett, Be...
More About: Update , Saturday , Dish

Get a FIXX TONIGHT!
2007-09-27 17:58:00
Tonight at the Fixx in Chicago: Guthy's monthly smash hit reading series. Head on over this evening to hear from the editors of some of the finest literary journals going, Ninth Letter Arts & literary Journal and Hobart Journal.PS: Check out Guthy LIVE, LIVE, LIVE via podcast.
More About: Tonight

Chris Crocker
2007-09-24 09:47:00
Nathan Lane might have broken ground on the first glory hole, but Queenie COCKer has given them new meaning. I love this kid. Bethy sent me some articles about him and I gotta tell ya, he's a fuckin' inspiration. Kid lives in a rural Southern ass backwards town. Thanks to the Internet and this fagellah's creativity, he's pushing his way out, and into the world.Think about all of the gay teens in similar circumstances that sadly become victims of hate crime or feel so desperate they take their own lives. Yeah, he's flamboyant, but he's fabulous. Of course he's not representative of many gay men. He's out there literally and figuratively.He needs a better stage name... Toss your ideas into the salad ;0Associated Press and The Stranger (Beautiful interview).PS: Doesn't he look like Avril Levigne in that photo?
More About: Chris , Crocker , Croc

Insomnia
2007-09-24 09:39:00
I would hate to have phone sex with someone I didn't know for fear they might have a heart attack during said p-sex. If I didn't know their address, what would I say, "Cough your address and I'll call 911?"There's no way I could just hang up and say, "Good luck ta'ya." If they died. Oy vey, the guilt would kill me. I suppose if it was post orgasm, it would diminish the guilt. I'm just speculating. Reaching? Semantics...
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On This Yom Kippur Rainy Night
2007-09-22 08:23:00
This afternoon at 5ish it started raining. It rarely rains in Los Angeles, especially this time of year. Me and The Kid always went to the park in the rain. The first rain was never missed. No matter what time it started raining, even if it was 3AM, we were at the patch playing catch.I've always loved the rain and so did The Kid. Watching him run and shake himself off, the way he smelled of wet dog when he got back into the car. After a few tosses, he would look up at the sky with his mouth stretched open catching each and every drop of rain. It was just PERFECT. The joy it brought me made my heart push through my chest. They were uninterrupted, complete moments. I cherished each one of them.When Guthy mentioned how much she loved the Avinu Malkeinu prayer, it reminded me of why I love this prayer, "Avinu malkeinu (Our Father, our King) is a penitential prayer that originated on fast days as a plea for rain." Etc. Etc. Etc. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Read. You'll love.On the...
More About: Night

Guthy's Jewcys
2007-09-21 04:07:00
As you know, Guthy is writing for Jewcy awwwl month. She's written some fabulous, funny and thoughtful posts about Jewchach, Madona and fasting. Be good boys and girls and read her entries. Comment galore. DIY Judaica and Such, An Open Letter to Madonna and To Fast or Not to Fast.I had no idea that fasting was such a hot topic. Guthy and the Jewcy readers made some really interesting points. Loved what Orieyenta said. That dame's got moxie. The Madonna post is FANTASTIC. It stirred quite a bit of controversy. You will love Adam Shprintzen's comments. They resonate. Check it out, peeps.

Menses
2007-09-21 04:01:00
I started my menses yesterday. It came on strong, fast and hard. My womb is an outpouring of emotion. Oy, I'm just one hot mess, eh?! I am so happy to be menstruating. Everything is working and in order and right on time.
More About: Mens

what the fuck jewgirl?
2007-07-29 23:44:00
I'm homesick today. I'm tired. I have nothing interesting or funny to say.I slept horribly last night.my dog vomited by my head this morning. great wake up call. so aromatic. really. truly disgusting. I owe beautiful beth and the simian stud meems. you know I love meems. still. I suck fat, greezy homeless ass for not doing it yet. I washed my car today.I cleaned my house.I just realized my neighbor from across the street tries to glance through my window to see my tits. I'm a lil' pissed about it actually. it was my sister's b-day on friday. happy birthday kerri berry. I'm retaining a shitload of water. I think I'm ovulating.I just want to watch lawr and ordah and do nothing. but, I can't. I want to sleep, but I can't do that either. I couldn't sport sleep for all the bagels in brooklyn.I haven't hit any of my favey blogs this weekend. I haven't hit my christian zealy blogs either. I haven't been online that much this weekend.I'm just a blue jew right now. it'll passI...
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Jonesing for a FIXX!
2007-07-26 01:28:00
sticky post until tamarah night, so scroll down AFTER and only AFTER you've read this!The Divine Diva bff Amy Guth is hosting the second Fixx Reading Series! You simply must attend. It will be fabulous. Check out the line-up below. The first reading last month was such a smashing, wild success. It was overflowing with peeps. Be sure to get there early. Run. Go. Now.Thursday, July 26th at 7:30pmThe Fixx Reading SeriesHosted by: GutharooThe Fixx Coffee Bar3053 N Sheffield Ave., ChicagoThe Line-upCharles Blackstone author of The Week You Weren't HereRick Karlin author of Show Biz KidsElaine Soloway, author of The Division Street Princess

I have issues
2007-07-22 07:15:00
I am core ocd about these christian blogs, yo. I'm bored senseless with them, too. I'm fascinated by the routines, the homemaking, the demure clothing, the submissiveness and the no joke worshipping. sure. it's all in the name of research for something I'm writing (they'll hate it). still. I would love just once to see something like, I fucked my husband like mary magdalen last night. or. I'm so fuckin bored with my routine, I want to spit twice and die. or would it kill my husband to let me make a fuckin' decision? or what about A SKIRT ABOVE THE KNEE AND A HEEL. FOR THE LOVE, BABY. come on! throw me a bone. I know you want to. I just know it. I know it. I feel it. you know you want to cut loose for 5 minutes. go for it! scream. yell. rant. rave. whore yourself. suck random cock through a glory hole. tell your son to fall in love with a fabulous ginger peen. ps: jesus was one seriously hot frum boy.I have to write now. hacky bitch that I am. I need to quit putzin' around. w...
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hacks be gone
2007-07-22 06:26:00
working on an essay. it's so hack. hate its fucking guts. I suck un-funny, hedonistic, frum ass.neighbor girl is fighting with bartholomew. I didn't know bartholomew's yelled. it just seems like the kind of name that uses words like, nomenclature and antiquated. the name feels dull and very none yelly.listening to wooden sky (thank you bffer-love'ha-hahd, guthy), maxwell, joni mitchell, vintage tupac, the tango project and the dixie chicks. love a good shuffle. I'm an aquarius. I'm allowed to have odd mixes.bart is piiiiissed. if a peen talked to me the way he's talking to her, I would send his ass packing faster than I could say fuck you and die, manobee.I spoke with a scotsman today regarding a delivery. I go all weak in the knees when I talk to scotsmen. I can't keep my legs together or concentrate. though, I prefer homegrown boys, reallllllllllllly I do. I have a terrible weakness for scotsmen. when I went to school in the uk, I spent a good amount of time in scotland. t...
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ooh-ooh schwartz on 6S
2007-07-21 03:48:00
handicapping dating is now live on 6s. check it out, yo. not only that... mcevily posted 9, count them 9 6s's that are absolute must reads. run. read. now.LOOK AT ALL THESE 6'S are you plotzing?!?!? I KNOW. ME TOO! "Quin’s If Only She Knew, Jack Swenson’s Tornado, Jennifer Gravley’s Los Angeles, Neil Fox’s Hello Miss, Mr. Schiavo’s Friendship Brings Enjoyment, Joseph Varvara’s Graduation Photo, Madam Z’s Felling Time, Kristen Tsetsi’s Killing People is an Art, he said, and Daniel S. Irwin’s Night Passage. Enjoy!"
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no bitch, you can't have him
2007-07-21 03:14:00
I think I just fell in love with cp. yes, I know. I'm not poor george or a peen. I GET IT, OK. he's an mtm'r like me. what he doesn't know is that we both discovered her at the same time with someone we love so much it hurts. cp even has an mtm service. if you're not in love with him right now, I will beat you with a stick.
More About: Bitch

my cramps are killing me
2007-07-21 02:08:00
In this very moment, I can hear one of my neighbors complaining to someone on the phone about how hot he is and how bad his day was. all I want to do is say, when your cunt bleeds at 90 mph and you have hostage vice gripping cramps, you can complain. until then SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WHINY, WRETCHED, VILE, BLOOD & CRAMP FREE COCK SUCKIN BASTARD. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! ahhhhhhh... I feel better now that I got that out. I am hemorrhaging like hunted fresh kill. my poor beav and ovaries. they're on fire.I think the lack of sleep is making me a bit irrational. I wonder.. does lack of sleep affect cramps? my sister is having a horribly painful menses this month, too. we got our periods hours apart this month and every time we're together, our hormones mingle to accelerate the flow and increase the pain. that's never happened to us before. usually our hormones are super good to each other.NO. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES MY MENSES RIGHT NOW. IT'S ALL ...
More About: Killing , Cramps , Cram

fallujahtini anyone?
2007-07-20 14:11:00
it's 5 mothah fuckin cock suckin am. I've been up since 3. I made myself horizontal around 11ish. I've slept maybe 6 hours in two nights. if I don't get some sleep, I am going to do a drama diva swan dive off the GGB (golden gate bridge). oh-my-god. I am so FUCKIN' tired.I woke up at 3AM to baghdad in my vagina. clots the size of a king's ransom. villages of busted rusty pipes pouring and gushing out of my snappin' pussy. the tank (my heating pad) conked out in the middle of the fuck-off-whore night. leaving my ovaries and womb unprotected and unable to fend for itself. where's my fuckin' back-up, god dammit? it's bad enough having a post pre-menstrual map of iraqi cities to attack on my face.I'm going to make myself horizontal and have a word with jesus. according to the zealots, he seems to be quite the miracle worker that one. if he thinks a loin cloth and thorn hat and a stroll will help me sleep, I'm down. the only thing I'm not willing to do is the nail/cross thin...
More About: Fall

channeling the ass of a corpse
2007-07-20 04:58:00
I usually leave shitlogue to the goddess that is vocab because she does it so perfectly. however, what happened today in my porcelain goddess made me want to run from myself. recall, I am a vegetarian. I don't even know what happened. I haven't changed my diet. nothing out of the ordinary. same old agida as yesterday and the day before that. all's I know is that the corpse of some 16th century chauvinist crawled out of my ass this morning gasping for air and pleading for a second chance. ps: bethy nominated me for a rockin girl blogger award. I am so touched. I love that girl's blog and I adore her! this weekend I'm posting. I am. I am. I am. it requires thought, donchya know. you must read her post and also see the nominees. I was so flattehed to be in the company of such fuck-off-vulva power bloggers. lulu and beckeye nominated her. I can't find what they wrote about bethy's blog. argh. (ps) their blogs are fab. hit their reads.
More About: The A , Chan

menses has commenced
2007-07-20 04:44:00
the gates have opened and my flange is flowing with fire engine red blood. it's a crampy, gushy gaza strip between my sweet thighs. it's a shame they don't make bush pads. though, I'd never shove a bushpon up my snatch, I'd happily bleed all over his smug, disgusting ass. and I love menstruating! love it.
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