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NEW BUSH COINS, Change For The Better
2008-01-24 18:25:00
This is so fucking brilliant and hilar squared! You must watch it now. Nothing like a little Bush bashing to make a liberal's vulva start twitching gleefully in the am.
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Split Knish with Ketchup?
2008-01-18 17:34:00
So, yeah, I'm menstruating. I started yesterday. I had quite the mood swing molly pms experience this month. Cramps are doable. As for my down there's gush factor, well, let's just say that it's best if I keep me legs closed for a few days. On a thrilling note, I am menstruating with two women I love. This makes me very happy. I don't know why that is. Oh, wait, yes I do. It makes me feel even more connected to them.Did we all read about Wisconsin Right to Life's love letter sent to 40,000 people in Racine, Wisconsin, containing a plastic fetus? Dave and Bonnie Obernberger, with the Racine County chapter of Wisconsin Right to Life, are the people behind the mailing. "They said the plastic figure represents an 11- or 12-week fetus. They sent it out this week to mark the 35-year anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade, the Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion."Dave Obernberger said, "I pray that they'll look at it a little more than being offended by it, but being educated by it" I h...
More About: Ketchup , Split

Seven Things you Don't Know About Me
2008-01-12 18:27:00
Bethy, our favorite blogger, the dame who color coordinates her reading glasses with her outfits (I fuckin' love that so hard), tagged me for the seven things you don't know about me, meemish. Have you read her seven? FANTASTIC. Please read it. You'll love it. Run. Read. Now. In honor of Bethy, I'm doing this while listening to "Midnight Train to Georgia". This is a stretch because there are so many things you know about me and will know about me this spring WHEN you read my book. Hey, a girl has to stay positive! Jumping to conclusions is also my favorite past time and sport of choice. So, ya know... 1. While it's true that I am queen of the cocksuckers, I have a wicked gag reflex. Not when noshing on cocsicles. No, mine is attributed to scent and food (look/texture/scent). If someone is bathed in cheap perfume, I will start gagging and potentially vomit. Overwhelmingly aromatic Thai foods, anything with eyeballs, fish, and peanut sauce (makes my teeth itch), will send me int...
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The Many Vaginas of Coco
2008-01-12 04:39:00
Coco's vagina for the blind. Menstrual lips: when the twins get a reprieve for a job well done.These lips were made for talking.Fuck you, Revlon. I told you my lips were famous. Coco's PETA lips. HELLOOOOOO. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! THIS IS MUHAMMAD ALI.My bloggyJewpal, Adylish scent me a fabulous, fuck-off link called Smell Me And. It's the perfect spokesvadge gig for the Cocster. In Vulva's own words: "Vulva original is not a perfume. It's a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your smelling pleasure."When Coco's cooch runs out of steam from being split to death, thank God she has Vulva to turn to. Such a shondj she isn't working for them.
More About: Coco

Lewchie's Meme of Regrets
2008-01-09 03:21:00
Editor JDC of Astonishing Adventures Magazine has meemed me. WAIT. You've purchased the second copy of AAM, yes? You haven't?! Go, right now and get yourself a copy. It's SIGNED. Buy a copy and come back.Lewch created a personal meme called "5 Things you regret and 5 things you don't." You have to read his. It's so honest. Oy, that boy just doesn't hold back. I'm hoping he moves into some non-fiction action.Anywho. He tagged Writer Procrastinator, Madam Z, Ms. Guth, Dale and Jewgirl. Here's the dish: "You’ve just learned that tomorrow you will die at sunrise. Tell me the five things you regret and the five things you don’t regret."I actually try very hard not to have regrets. One of my favorite singers Beth Orton wrote this beautiful song called the Sweestest Decline. One of the lyrics is something that I repeat often and try to live by, "What are regrets? They're just lessons we haven't learned yet."Katie, enough wit the fuckin' exposition. Geez Louise move it along....
More About: Meme , Regrets

My Fake Baby
2008-01-09 03:19:00
"The following three videos describe the very real phenomenon of women and couples buying fake babies called 'Re-Borns.' These 'Re-Born' dolls are oftentimes taken as emotional and physical substitutes for actual infants. This trend has been documented in Britain as well as the U.S. This is their story. Living Dolls : Explore the extraordinary lives of women who buy hand-crafted life-like dolls called 'Re-Borns'. Treated as real infants and costing hundreds of dollars these 'human' babies cry, squirm and are the objects of intense affection by their 'mothers'. Loved like real babies, they're taken for walks, bathed and even have their diapers changed." glumbert - My Fake Baby The fuck is wrong wit people, huh?! You have to watch the entire video. If you love me, if I mean anything to you at all, you will. However, for those with a weak stomach, please visit this off the hook creepy ass website called... Re-Borns. This is such a Bubs post, isn't it?! Bubs, you should cros...

Coco's Vagina Declared State of Emergency
2008-01-08 01:00:00
Coco's vagina has consumed FEMA. Southern State s pummeled by floods and avalanches are unable to provide assistance to residents. It's mayhem and madness. Residents were hoping that FEMA would get a reprieve from Coco's vagina. However, it's rumored that FEMA is trapped behind the Red Cross, Bush's dignity, and hundreds of North Korean nuclear missiles.Governor Jim Gibbons-R of Nevada said, "This is no time for one of those liberal vaginapaloozas. Our citizens are in dire need of assistance. They're literally drowning. Six hours ago, we sent dozens of choppers and marines into Coco's vagina, hoping to liberate FEMA. We lost contact about an hour ago. But, we haven't given up. We're staying the course."In a news conference that aired on ABC this morning, Bill Ritter-D of Colorado said, "Coco's vagina has already claimed too many countries, cities and lives. We will no longer be a hostage to Coco's vagina."He believes Roswell and the movie Close Encounters weren't just wor...
More About: Vagina , Emergency , State of Emergency

Pilcrow Literary Festival Chicago
2008-01-06 01:07:00
Major dish beautiful babies. Amy Guth is launching Chicago 's first Literary Festival and it's called... Drum roll, please... Pilcrow. Is that tits or what? Oh, yeah it is!If you're in Chicago from May 22nd-May 25th, come on ovah.Check out Amy's post about the festival and how it came to be: IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY. Visit the Pilcrow website, to stay abreast of attendees, sponsors and events. Subscribe to Pilcrow's RSS feeds, too. Speaking of sponsors... Which one a'youse has chach and such, to donate? Come on, spill it.Guess what?! Ready? I'm on the attendee list. I'm fuckin' plotzing. My first scheduled reading is at Guthy's The Fixx Reading Series on May 22nd with diva Jami Attenberg. We love'ha work. She's got moxie. All of this fabulousness is hosted by the delish dame Amy.You must come! This event is going to be flawless squared. You know it and I know it.

Drive by Shooting at Schwartzys
2008-01-03 02:09:00
Where was Bubbsie today?! Evidently, I'm a bullettard, so today when I heard six loud booms, I was surprised. I said to myself, "No, those weren't bullets. No way. It's 3:04 in the afternoon." Pause. Check body for holes. "Were those bullets? Should I call the police? What would I say to 911, I think I heard bullets, but I'm too much of a fucktard to know for sure and I'd hate to put you out."Not two minutes later, three motorcops rolled on through and were aksin' all kinds a Q's. Within 10 minutes, the street was blocked off and the streets were swarming with detectives, CSIs, uniforms, the whole she-bang.Here's the scoop.... Two guys in a mercedes wearing ski masks drove by and shot two machine guns into the air. They were aiming for the building next to mine and the building across the street.Okay, whatever happened to drive-by etiquette? Don't these things happen before dawn or late at night? The schmuck who planned this attack surpasses fucktard. News... One of them to...
More About: Drive , Shooting

New Year's Nosh
2008-01-03 00:00:00
New Year's Eve isn't always something to be celebrated. Before you beat me with a stick and put a hex on me, so that in my next life, I come back as an ambisextrous-leprechaun-midget with ferocious gas and a lazy eye, let me explain. Thanks.The natural order of January 31st is to end one year and move into a new year. It's a death/birth thing. As the clock strikes midnight, it doesn't change the events you've been through or will go through. Whatever hurts your insides, is still going to hurt, it might even hurt worse for whatever reason. Pending mishagos, uncertainty, sadness, none of those things wash away at the stroke of midnight.All of that being said, what I cherish the most about the death/birth aspect of a new year is the concept of hope, gratitude and the opportunity to implement change. I think if you've had a shitfuck year, celebrating the fact that you're still standing, to bring in the new year is a positive thing. Or maybe for some, there is a need to mourn what...

Coco and her Vagina
2007-12-31 01:25:00
You know how OCD I am about Coco 's cavernous taco. Oy, how can you not feel badly for her split knish? Vadge handlers, can you imagine the ahj? This weekend, they were out in grand style. Coco's taco really made the rounds. They were seen here and here and here and here. The only time her vagina gets a reprieve is when she's in a dress.
More About: Vagina

And How was Your Day, Katie?
2007-12-28 19:00:00
On Friday, I was so fuckin’ angry I wished I had a penis. No, I don’t have penis envy. Friday, though. Friday, I wanted a penis, so I could say “SUCK MY MOTHAH’ FUCKIN’ DICK”, to everyone. I wanted to march myself out into the world in groin clutching, crotch enhancing man jeans, grabbing my dick at the speed of light, screaming at the top of my lungs. That’s how I angry I was.If I could’ve thrown every piece of glass and ceramic I own against the wall so hard that I would’ve felt the reverberating debris inside my womb, I would’ve. I wanted to watch it all crumble into a gazillion little pieces onto the floor. I don’t think I could’ve screamed as loudly as I wanted to, but I sure as shit wanted to try.The health care system in this country isn’t fucked up, it’s a diseaseapalooza.Doctor’s secretary, we’ll call her Spawn of Satan says, “Take this new medication. If you have side-effects and feel sick, call.” Katie asks, “What side-effects should ...

Have a Very Leather Christmas!
2007-12-23 06:03:00
To all of my fabulous non-Jewish readers, I wish you a very Merry Christmas !Love,Jewgirl & Bondage Santa
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Jaymahlyn Keep Ur Baybay, Love LeeWee
2007-12-21 04:24:00
Thanks to the goddess that is SaltyMeat, we have this meaty dish: Former Teen Star Applauds Jamie Lynn Spears for Keeping Baby. Lisa fuckin Welchel (AKA) LeeWee is proud of this 16-year-old abortionphobe for keeping the spawn of her loins.And, what would LeePee do if her beloved daughter came home with a cum clad womb after taking a vow of chastity before God. PS: daughter wears a purity ring and all, as a reminder of her blessed virginity.LeeSkeev's comments on Spears decision not to have an abortion, "I'm so proud of her for stepping up and being courageous and taking responsibility for her choices, and I believe she's being a good role model — a good role model in that situation, to choose to have the baby, and … I am supportive of her in that situation."I want to scream at this snatch, at the top of my lungs, SHE is a CHILD having a CHILD. This is wrong.wrong.wrong on every level. These God fearing Christians need to wake the fuck up and teach their children about sex. Ki...
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Slutney Spears is Knocked up at 16
2007-12-20 05:09:00
Oh, I lah'me some white trash God fearing Christian gossip. Jamie Lynn Spears is 16-years-old and knocked up. Fuck me around the corner with a giant Cross and a thorn hat. The shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. For the love of God, child, HAVE AN ABORTION. You people are done procreating. Use a condom and slam some foam up your flange. Turn that womb into a war zone. Would it kill you to have an abortion? You are a CHILD. Why isn't her mother encouraging her to have a fucking abortion?! My favorite quote from the article is what mama trash said about Jaymalyn's pregnancy, "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's never late for her curfew." Come'on, you're white trash, you know better. You can still make curfew and get your fuck on, mama. Ain't nobody know that betterd'n you. You done got yurself all knocked up when you was 16'n all. What a dumb ass thing to say, "Jamie Lynn is never late for curfew". How fuckin' stupid do you have to be to say that OUT LOUD. It's one t...
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Merry Christmas from George and Laura's Bush
2007-12-20 04:44:00
Best email forward evah. Grazie ma.
More About: Christmas , Bush , George , Merry Christmas , Merry

Blacklisted
2007-12-19 01:33:00
I'll be dipped in Jesus' shit, I think the Christian site I'm way OCD about broke the fuck up with me. I am hoppin' fuckin' mad. That's not right. It's the holidays. Either you break up with someone a month before Thanksgiving or after the first week of January. That's a break-up rule. Not to mention the fact that it's very anti-Christian. What if I was on the road to redemption?! What about my soul? Has she no interest in salvaging that?! Mother fucker.

10 Great Ways to Be Sure You Will Die Spiritual
2007-12-18 02:16:00
Here's a sampling of the below video.... Do not get comfy. Seek only to be filled by Jesus. Don't be a friend of the world, that's adultery. Only be friends with God. If you listen to Jesus, you can't be co-opted. Don't put a crippled lamb on the alter. Man up. When he forgives us, he forgets we whacked him. That Jesus is such a mensch. Stop playing footsie with other religions. If you preach self-help and someone drops dead without optioning into J's program. Their blood is on your hands. Make sure other people are comfy. Tickle their ears. Try to help God along. Don't get twitchy, he's coming. Chill. Watch it.
More About: Great , Spiritual

Beverly Hills Episcopalians
2007-12-17 04:08:00
My sister and I schlepped to the Beverly Hills AT&T / Cingular store today to get her an iphone. We've banned the other locations closest to us because of their dead dog jokes. Ker is "i" obsessed these days. It started with an ipod 3 months ago. A month ago, she broke up with PC and bought a Macbook. She's now a no-joke igirl. Anywho, as we were heading into the store, we noticed a stream of people leaving the Episcopalian church across the way and can I just tell you that I had no idea what great racks Episcopalian birds have. It's unbelievable or it's just Beverly Hills. These blond broads hiked up their hooters, their skirts and broke out their deepest v-necks for Jesus. I nevah saw such a thing. When my people go to shul, we don't usually inject silicon into our lips and slut-up for God. I guess episkys do, which, if you think about it, is kind of a refreshing change from the prairie muffin crew. I need to stop blogging now and write. Must focus. Loving....

Cunt Fit Squared
2007-12-16 22:14:00
I cracked a mother fuckin' cock suckin' tooth-with-filling last night. fuck.fuck.motherfuck. FYI: It's very uncomfortable. I woke up again at 4AM with class-5 cramps and a tsunami bursting through the clam dam. I got the lovliest, sweetest holiday cards from monkeyboy and bethylish. Isn't that so menschy. Thank you guys. I also got a postcard from Teeny. She's in Egypt. She said, "Eh, you've seen one tomb, you've seen em' all." Funny, no?!Back to the cunt fit. I am so mad! Six weeks prior to The Kid peeling, I found out that my next door neighbor's dog peeled. My heart broke for her. She chose to get another dog, so I got her some dog chach. It was such a difficult time for her and I wanted to be supportive of her choice. Welllllll, do you know that since my dog peeled, I've run into this cunt a half dozen times and each time, she hasn't said word one to me. I am fuckin' furious about this. She won't even look me in the eye.The reason why I'm hoppin' fuckin' mad ri...

Gay? Hit GodTube.
2007-12-15 18:42:00
Go GodTube, Go. Smooth move telling these beautiful voracious bottoms to be and gorgeous lesbian divas eager to come out, how very wrong they are for knowing in their hearts and souls they are gay. Good job. Good job. Good job.
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A Letter from Hell
2007-12-15 18:18:00
For the love of God, if I mean anything to you at all, I beg you to watch this. It is so fucking funny. It's also sick and wrong on several if not all levels. It's how they indoctrinate children into going zealy nuts. Josh let his friend die before sharing the one thing he could.... his personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
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Glow in the Dark Cats?
2007-12-15 18:06:00
This morning when I was cruising the news, I saw this video of cats being cloned to glow in the dark. That's cruel, offensive and deeply disturbing. Call me stupid, but why is it that cats need to glow in the dark? This qualifies as a noteworthy scientific endeavor because?!?!?!?
More About: Cats , Dark , The Dark , Glow

Postal in my Vagina?
2007-12-15 14:28:00
Yesterday morning I got my period. I followed protocol: pills. Pad. Rock back and forth. At 4AM I woke up to what must be at least 6 postal workers with machine guns spraying a half dozen postal offices. But, in my vagina. The wounded are pouring out and dragging my womb with them. If they don't stop shooting soon, I'm going to call FEMA and the National Guard. Oh, wait, they wouldn't show up.... The Coast Guard? This is a liquid issue.
More About: Postal , Vagina

Bush's Shit
2007-12-08 20:46:00
Via Politits, I came to Fran I am. Two kick ass dames. Via one of Fran I am's posts about bushfuck, I found I can't believe it's not a democracy and a post about, I kid you not, what the secret service does with Bush's shit when he's out of the US. Can you believe that our tax dollars are being spent on a protocol for Bush's asstastic movements?! I'm not sure what's more offensive. His shit ain't bein' brought back to the US for composting because he's a narcissistic bastard. I want to know what that doody is being used for. I am entitled to know. Spill, Bushy, spill. I'm also curious about Bush's jiz and which secret service man has to drop to his knees for facials when Bushy is abroad getting his jerk on. Perhaps this is Bush's way of expressing his gayires without being, well, you know gay. God forbid.
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Duck and Run for Cover!
2007-10-22 02:40:00
Our beloved politits, D-Cup was assaulted. Seriously. By a WOMAN. At a corporate event for having a difference of opinion. It is unbelievable. I am so shocked and so appalled and so disgusted. Wrong.Wrong.Wrong. Run. Read. Now. Please! D-Cup, ya da classiest dame I know. Ya handled yaself beautifully. God forbid I find myself in a similar circumstance at some point, I can only that I exercise half of your grace.
More About: Cover , Duck

What in the Menses World?
2007-10-19 14:49:00
I think Niagara is missing its Fall. Let's not have a *panic-picnic. I found it at 3AM between my thighs. Too bad it's not a holiday weekend, Taco Grand Rapids could make some serious bank on tourism.It appears that a few stragglers have made it through without paying admission--fuckers. My mothah fuckin' cock suckin cramps have escalated beyond savage. Each womb gripping runner is laughing riotously at my heating pad and pain pills. I've been tossing and turning like a fish outta water all night. I'm overtired and in pain. Argh...I am grateful. I'm menstruating and everything is working. Thank God!*thank you, izzy
More About: World , Mens

Comments re: Butter My Bread?
2007-10-19 03:44:00
If you don't want to scroll down, click to read Butter my Brea d ?Some of my favey bloggers don't understand why I butter my bread and don't eat it, so lemme splain.It's not torture. It's a routine I used to have every morning. I love the ritualistic aspect of it. By going through the motion, I can actually feel the texture of the hot buttery toast melting in my mouth and it gives me pleasure. I don't watch it consecutively for 30-minutes. I glance at it in passing while I'm getting ready or while I'm checking email or drinking coffee, or shmoozing on the phone. Knowing it's there brings me comfort. I've had too much change in the past 8 months. I need some semblance of continuity and for some bizarre reason, I find it in toast. I feel guilty because there are so many starving people in the world and to invest money and time into something that you aren't going to use is frivolous and inconsiderate. I know. It's just toast. Still. The guilt.It keeps me legal, I stick to my...
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Joe Torre Broke up with the Yankees
2007-10-19 03:34:00
I am such a bluejew. Joe Torre has broken up with the Yankees . He's the heart and soul of that team. He's a New York institution. He's got quiet rage that Joe Tore. I love him hard. I don't have a daddy complex and I've never been attracted to older men except for quiet rage Joe Torre. He's wildly and inappropriately sexy and now he's no longer a Yankee. Sigh....

Butter My Bread?
2007-10-18 01:46:00
This admission might result in some blogemmies and outright break-up's. I hope it doesn't, but I am ready to live with the consequences of sharing my dirty little secret. Ok. Ready? Set. Go.One of my guilty pleasures is that every single morning, I take a fresh, homemade slice of sourdough bread and pop it into the toaster. I watch as my sumptuous soft bread turns to a golden crispy beige and then I immediately take it out of the toaster, so it burns my fingers just a teeeeeeeeeeny tinnnnnnny bit. I carefully butter the center and each corner, listening to the crunch and watching the hot bread soak up chilled pats of butter and then.... well. I watch my buttered toast for 30 minutes. Not like consecutively or anything, that's creepy. I watch it intermittently. And then I throw it away.I'm on a fucking diet. I feel terribly guilty about it, just not enough to like, you know, stop. Not yet anyway. Cut me some slack. I don't just loooooooove this particular sourdough bread and but...
More About: Bread , Butter , Brea