Carey Says Ums -- Interjectory Banter That Bites B

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2

Carey the Blind Intern
2008-02-16 22:47:00
I've been sitting on this demo reel for quite some time. But now, finally, I can share it: Sad, isn't it? The most horrendous 6 months of my life. All I wanted was a gig at NPR.
More About: Carey , Blind , Intern

Vote for the Official Green Cease Bumper Sticker
2008-02-16 01:13:00
Want to save the environment? Let's start by choosing a bumper sticker:A. If you don't reuse it, you lose it. B. F*** lightbulbs. Go to bed, dummy. C. Mother Nature doesn't have a stripper's salary. D. Fragile Earth deserves more than a voice. E. The globe is warming! The globe is warming!F. Drive safely. The world is ending. G. I break for Styrofoam.  Vote for the official Green Cease bumper sticker, and recycle, you hippies. 
More About: Bumper , Official , Sticker

Valentine's Day Sucks in Saskatoon
2008-02-15 01:39:00
It's February 14, 2008 -- Valentine's Day, a time for a bit o' ooh-behave fun. Fine Dining? When typing "romantic restaurant saskatoon" into Google, I see there's "Bus Stop Refreshments" to consider. Ooh-ooh, I can have a romantic evening at the bookstore. How 'bout botaniCa at a motel? I just farted, and it smells far more appetizing. 12 roses? Has anyone -- besides the one real office tower and an out-of-reach strip mall -- ever heard of a flower shop? A quaint little store where I may pick out a bouquet of roses...No? I have to phone a week in advance? No delivery driver? No roses? The fart still wins. Sex? Maybe next year. Happy Valentine's Day from where the sidewalk ends.
More About: Saskatoon , Sucks

Three Signs I'm Lonely in Saskatoon
2008-02-14 01:42:00
Here are three signs that I'm very, very lonely in frigid Saskatoon . 1. I barge into a candle-lit bathroom and, with a pout, say: "Get out of the tub and be my friend." 2. I get rid of the "I ♥ Saskatoon" sign so that the terrorists will get confused and stop by for a tea. 3. I put on 238,934 layers to go outside and work with the snow to build an entire snowman village. So cold, not even a witch would expose herself and be my friend.
More About: Signs , Lonely

Introducing Metta Says Ums -- Prenatal
2008-02-08 14:05:00
Read the new blog. Watch the video. This post will self-destruct in 24 hours.
More About: Prenatal

农历新年
2008-02-07 15:12:00
Happy New Year! Or, as one -- even Pudding Tang -- says: "Gung Hei Fat Choy!" It's 4,706, which kind of dumps on any creationist theories . . . Sorry, mayor. How are we going to celebrate? Sesame balls from the Ki Sun Bakery, of course. Here's to the Year of the Rat, and here's to hoarding. Our ___ will be a pack-rat?!?!

Three Reasons Why I ♥ Saskatoon
2008-02-07 03:08:00
It's almost Valentine's Day, and time to ponder things I ♥ in my life. What do I love about Saskatoon ? 1. Six months out of the year, Saskatoon offers the perfect excuse to get out of flying to grandma's or visiting an old, slightly off-kilter friend for the weekend: really bad weather. 2. You can see terrorists flying towards you from a mile away, which is just long enough to hold up a "I ♥ Saskatoon" sign to redirect them towards a bigger, more news-savvy city. 3. A river with a warm strip of water flowing through winter -- thanks to the QEII Power Plant -- to remind me: Do I need to use the bathroom before putting on 83 layers? Blizzards. Homeland security. QEII's pee. These three things warm my cold little ♥ on the prairie.
More About: Reasons

Ask Me Again and I'll Tell You the Same
2008-02-07 00:24:00
This is probably the absolute worst way to follow yesterday's post, but I just have to tell you a name I heard during the elevator ride to my floor. "Hi, I'm Carey Says Ums," I say to my elevator buddy and neighbour. "I'm Pudding Tang," my neighbour says as her hand meets mine. "Same floor?" "Come again?" I ask, trying not to laugh. "I didn't catch your name." Yep, I manage to muster in-the-moment sobriety -- the kind that turns my ears bright red -- to ask her again. She does, indeed, tell me the same.

Black Future Can Make Black History
2008-02-06 01:22:00
Yin and Yang. Black and White. Together they learn to read and write. But the U.S. Presidency? This time, I don't care what candidates to the left are for or against, but there's one thing I feel strongly about: We must put a black man in the West Wing of the White House. Yes, the West Wing. It's needed. Who cares what he's for or against? After G. W., does it really matter? He's articulate. This is a country filled with racial intolerance, and it's time to really face that with your valuable vote. Vote for Barack Obama, and really show you give a shit about your future and your cultural health. Why so adamant? I'm a blind white guy who grew up in a black town. My family never had two entrances to his store, but I learned about hate, inequality and resentment from the town. The blind and the black have a lot in common when it comes to struggle. While a woman in the white house is nice, it would be better -- a greater cultural leap -- to accept a black man as authority. ...
More About: History , Future , Make , Black History

I ♥ Saskatoon So Much, I'm Running for Mayor
2008-02-05 06:37:00
To point out a dichotomy, longtime locals love Saskatoon more than newcomers hate it. The city of bridges rises above water for some, and s_inks for others. I want to see more of a city and less neighbourhood narcism over what it is not. If I ♥ Saskatoon, it's gotta change. I can't change it, but together, we can. Vote Carey Says Ums for Mayor . I may not wear a tie, but I can roll up my sleeves and work hard for a city victimized by prayer breakfasts and plans. Does Saskatoon shine? It can.
More About: Running

Funny Spec Ads from the Past
2008-02-04 06:27:00
Sometimes, Super Bowl ads are boringly predictable. Other times, they're really funny. Hit or miss. There's always a spec ad from the Carey Says Ums vault to throw a Hail Mary pass for creativity's sake.
More About: Funny , Past

Rated "T" for Tumultuous
2008-02-04 02:54:00
The new Carey Says Ums is banned from a local blog aggregator. Apparently, making fun of Saskatoon is "not very nice" and I'm prohibited from sharing with simple folk on the prairie. Net nellies. I stand by my banter and its S'toon tune. Thanks to Google.com, everyone will know. Who needs an aggregator to show my arse . . . oh heck . . . ass? Ooh, I'm so mean 'n' bold. Somebody spank me.;)

The Barbiturate Kid
2008-02-03 20:42:00
. . . with that cosmic alleyway chat, plans take shape and life begins again . . . eventually. It isn't until 43 weeks that the dull-minded doctor decides my brother's entry into this world needs an extra push. Mom's ready to pop, and my brother may be near death before life even begins. We now know that the placenta may begin to die at 43 weeks, its nutrient-rich environs decrease rapidly. The mortality rate is high for the fetus. Birth -- sooner rather than later -- is critical. Within a day of my brother's late arrival, Mom sees that his head turns to the side during feeding. Everyone soon realizes he isn't following the speeding red and white Ford Torino on TV. Instead, my brother is having one of many seizures. The medical militia begins its routine, and he is poked for answers. They find nothing. Rx for nothing? Heavy doses of Phenobarbital. Side effects may include stomach ulcers, irritability, hyperactivity, speech problems, bed-wetting, intellectual limitations, g...

Why Winter Can't Wii for Another Six Weeks
2008-02-03 03:22:00
If Feb. 2nd rodents are right, America gets six more weeks of winter than a shadowless North Pole. According to Punxsutawney Phil, the official SPF 1,000,000 shadow caster, a lack of sunlight is just as scary as it was years ago. But this time, his furry friends above the 49th want to play a different game. Wiarton Willie of ON and Shubenacadia Sam of NS didn't see their shadows, but that's only because the sun doesn't come up in Canada until June. Besides, these woodchucks were busy hybernating with Wii. Who can we trust with the weather? The marmot from PA? Maybe. After all, he has an inner circle.
More About: Winter , Weeks

"I'm Freezing!"
2008-02-02 15:28:00
"I'm freezing!" has a hauntingly literal edge to it, here. I used to chatter "I'm freezing!" when temperatures in North Carolina dipped well below normal -- and still high above freezing. For a month, daily highs remained well below freezing. Two months before that had a majority of days below 0. It's cold here. Freezing cold. But temperatures are generally above normal, thanks to global warming. Well, thanks global warming. I appreciate it. Warm on up. Hurry! Wait a minute! I'm going on about the weather, adding to the chronic provincial weather drivel. Geez, I'm becoming one of them. Check my temperature. I think I'm turning Saskatchewanian.