Carey Says Ums -- Interjectory Banter That Bites B

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Republican Votes for Barack Obama in NC Primary
2008-05-07 15:56:00
My dad, a North Carolina republican for years, just hopped the fence and voted for Barack Obama for change he can believe in. Thanks, dad. Congrats, NC. This man must win, and you can help.
More About: Republican , Primary

This is My Anger Management, Stupid
2008-05-03 16:56:00
Okay, I've received a gatrillion e-mails begging me to seek help, calm down or just off myself. Apparently, bitter banter doesn't sit well with the rest of the world. Mothers in my life are concerned (I love you.). Some friends think I'm off my rocker (I'm still rockin'.). And complete strangers? They're just as mad as me (Yes, me.). Let's get one thing straight: I blog here to empty my mind of all negativity. That includes you, retard. Sound gay to you? Well, it is. BUTT BUT it's working. The more I complain about the stupidity in my life, the more I make room for an ounce of hope. Then I smoke it, and all is well with the world once again. What? Hey, I don't inhale. So, I'm back on this blog, refreshed-n-renewed. And ready to interject, "World, fuck you. . . . "
More About: Management , Stupid , Anger Management , Anger

Funniest Line from My Brother . . .
2008-05-01 03:09:00
Hey, when you have a mentally retarded brother in jail, you just gotta laugh . . . "I can't wait to finally get out of jail and into a prison. It should be this week." . . . Think I'm too crass? Fuck you. No? Then enjoy one mirthy moment [for him].
More About: Brother , Line , My Brother

Chinese Torcher #3 Fan of Racism
2008-04-09 03:28:00
Another international incident pops up to shift focus away from the stains of our homeland. . . . "Racism is wrong," read my African American teacher from her prefab lesson plan in a fifth grade rendition of all-are-equal, just as a Native American spitball splashed onto my left-wing cheekbone, illuminated by thick tinted glasses and the buzzing, color-sucking fluorescent bulbs above. Here in the American South, full of ethnic spittle and passive-aggressive equal rights, we sport rose-colored specs to curb our tendency to judge. We're patriotically egocentric and culturally lost, and coke-bottle shades conceal cockeyed glances to a classmate, hippie or person of color. What gives us the inalienable right to invade another nation's cultural scuffle? We're so willing to help the world make a 1980s Coke commercial, but we're downright opposed to eradicating serious problems here at home. Racism. Poverty. Violence. Crime. Punishment. Humanity. Peace. They mean nothing here, b...
More About: Chinese

Sealed with a . . .
2008-04-06 03:19:00
The home search is over. Today, I walked out on an overstated real estate agent spiel, just when he began talking about the sealed bid process: "The owners will accept bids at 7:00 p.m. on Wednesday." It's empowering, at the moment, turning down a tight, greedy real estate market. But it's also very frustrating. Principles aside, I'm still homeless, mortgagely speaking. Time is ticking, and the ___ is almost here. I'm about to throw in the towel on this town and its real estate boom. What will I do, instead? Rent. Renting is easy. Maybe later, when the dust settles in this dry, wide-eyed hole, this frugal, cockeyed pessimist will buy a home for $100,000 less than what I'd pay for it now . . . or not. $$$ dumps aren't worth it.

Another Elementary School Dropout Joins Web 2.Oops
2008-04-01 01:38:00
As if Writing 101 via the blogosphere wasn't already crowded enough. . . . Another blundering idiot just spilled his wine with the kind of slosh you'd expect from a North Carolina hick. No, I'm not from North Carolina. Where did you hear that? But this guy: Introduce your self in the community forums. Tell us about your blog, your interest or maybe something you know that’s going on online! . . . Because we certainly don't know what's happening . . . or how to write. That's why we're starting a blog, a forum, an e-mail invite, a BlogCatalog group and a Facebook page. Join us, hye-hyuck. Here's to edumacation -- for all North Carolinians -- one hick-up at a time.
More About: School

Lights Out
2008-03-30 03:57:00
It's 8:00 p.m. Time to turn off lights so Mother Earth can trip en route to the loo.
More About: Lights

Short School Bus Blamed in Station 20 West Accident
2008-03-28 01:08:00
When it comes to dispersing our hard-earned dollars, Saskatchewan doesn't make sense. As if Saskatoon weren't stupid enough, a new government party just plowed down fundraising efforts to build Station 20 West , a multipurpose community in Saskatoon's depressingly underdeveloped downtown core. Read Lori Coolican's nooseprint story. A good idea with a green design, this innovative project doesn't grow on pitchfork carrying politicians. These horticultural hicks want to see more farms, less natives and a downtown core full of needles and nightclubs, rather than working to create a safe, livable neighbourhood for all. I tell you what: Let's just hire more police officers to wave batons at bad 'hoods and to hell with our livable communities. Why don't we all close up shop and move out to the farm, roll around in weed killer and have more dumb kids to grow up and peel their doles. Don't be a bumpkin, support Station 20 West and help build a decent place to live.
More About: School , Accident , Short

Green Cease Partners with Onion, Bush to Stop Eco-terrorism
2008-03-27 01:10:00
Green Cease, The Onion and even G. W. Tree-hugger are pleased to announce -- soon, they may actually get around to announcing it -- that the war in Iraq will be eco-friendly. . . . In an exclusive video panel discussion swiped from The Onion, experts are excited to brainstorm -- maybe someday they'll brainstorm -- ways to stop weapons of mass disruption.
More About: Bush , Terrorism , Green , Stop , Partners

Saskatoon Real Estate Market Sends Newcomers Packing
2008-03-26 04:33:00
We seal a bid on a P.O.S. bungalow, but by the next offer our dream is torn and tossed aside. In an underdeveloped Saskatoon real estate market -- where new construction begins and ends at a prayer breakfast -- it's hard to find a fixer-upper house in decent shape for less than $350,000. To feel better, we turn our attention online to the Vancouver realty market. In New Westminster, just outside of the city on the skytrain, it costs less to buy a 3-bedroom condo, no envelopes required. It's funny: In Vancouver, the houses they're selling for $350,000 are knock-down properties. In Saskatoon, these homes are considered "great places to live" and cause bidding wars. This won't last. The folks of this newly sold Saskatoon home will move back to Calgary. Where is the other family we met returning to? Vancouver. Careful Saskatoon, you keep folding your hands against progress . . . I'll leave the rest of that sentence a mystery. Sorry, David. I know you need more clarity.
More About: Estate , Real Estate , Real Estate Market , Market , Real

Lookyloos, I See Yous
2008-03-23 17:45:00
Friends, countrymen, I give you my blog, yet another cathartic release. There's humour in my site stats now. Yep, it's the little things that stroke my ego. After all, I used to amuse myself by seesawing a half-filled water bottle. Mental retardation brings most people here. Yeah, I get it. Do you? And the moment I include Jesus in a title, a West Virginian stops by. Howdy, deacon. Crimes against humanity. Christianity. What the hell brings you here?

MINI Cooper Classic, Only 299,000 Pieces of Copper Per Month
2008-03-22 18:08:00
There comes a bitter time in one's life when the entire world seems off-kilter, lame and stupid. After my 30th birthday and following a sad saga of homeland insecurity, for me, that time is now. Besides the silly decimal point behind the $299, this FLASH ad makes it past the eyes of art directors, corporate divas and online editors to put "Copper " on the top of Saturday's online paper: I get so excited, nearly spewing pulpy orange editorial glee onto my screen. I COMMAND+SHIFT+3 to blog it. I create a post with the new category name of Tyops. Shit, I mean Typos. In The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck jots down something sort of like this: "The world is mentally retarded. Once we admit this flaw, only then will it all become a bit easier to handle."
More About: Classic , Mini , Cooper , Pieces

This Saskatoon Home Has a Gun Room, Must See
2008-03-21 19:14:00
I loathe typos, especially typos I make. Anyone notice "gabble"? But someone else's mistake -- funny! I'm perusing through MLS, searching for my piece of the property pie. Here's a downtown condo . . . with a gun room. I know Saskatoon 's a redneck town, but c'mon you crazy kids. A gun room? I guess this little condo is caulked and priced to sell. If you don't buy it . . . well . . . you'd better run.
More About: Home , Room

Two Bunnies Offer Inspiration to Bored Creatives
2008-03-21 06:58:00
This silly jpeg "is risen", year after year, to e-mail inboxes around the globe . . . Viral promos work. Make your own. Win a Germ. Happy Easter, you Jesus freaks.
More About: Inspiration , Bored , Offer

How to Deal with Intense Anger in 3 Easy Steps
2008-03-21 00:17:00
STEP 1 Eat lots. STEP 2 Call the extended health insurancer that denies benefits because Glaucoma is risky. Scream at the underwriter. When she says it's beyond her control, demand to see all documents that help her make such a stupid decision. Throw the phone to make a point, and then throw a temper tantrum. STEP 3 Throw up.
More About: Anger , Deal , Easy , Steps

Dude, Where's My Ranch?
2008-03-16 19:40:00
You know the Saskatoon real estate market is too big for its britches when a haughty young agent responds with something like this: I'm too busy today and don't feel like showing it to you after 5. What about tomorrow? . . . Okay fine. But you know the property needs a lot of work. It's really banged up inside. While looking for my overpriced home on the range, I've heard this from TWO "very special" agents. Way to plow down a buy, farmer boys.
More About: Dude , Ranch

Hey Web Marketing, You Speaka the Language?
2008-03-13 02:55:00
In his InternetMarketing .com-themed webdrivel, Chris breaks out the red font to explain: How You Can Get This Top Gun Copywriter To Write A Salesletter That Shoots Out Cash Like A Broken ATM Machine If you watch Civic Duty, you'll realize writing "ATM machine" is like scribing "automated teller machine machine", unless it's an asynchronous transfer mode machine you're after, you Telus nerd. My point is this: words matter. These arranged letters count a great deal. Speaking of great, marketeer Jacqueline builds an e-marketing business with a website that reveals: Great marketing starts with a great story. Without a great story you can’t have a great web strategy, great lead generation, great sales or great PR. Great. That'll probably win her a $925 Clio. The WWW needs better writers. You wanna help?
More About: Language

Fast Food Fight
2008-03-09 00:50:00
This hilarious Stefan Nadelman short film comes to me from a tasteful forum by Deb: Find out more about fast food fighting and the parodied wars at Tourist Pictures.
More About: Food , Fast Food , Fight , Fast

Fair-Weather Friend, Indeed
2008-03-06 02:28:00
What's this? +3 by Sunday? Are you freakin' kidding me? Folks are talking about +3. Why? Because this is Saskatchewan, a place where people live for the weather. You don't have a pal in the elevator or a friend on the street unless you chat-up the weather. This morning, an optimistic Weather Network boasts warm weekend temperatures just as I suit up for another blustery cold walk to work. The channel goes on to tag itself as a "friend you can rely on". You give me a warm weekend and I'll be your best friend.
More About: Friend , Fair

Happy Little Boredom
2008-03-05 02:14:00
It's a dull week thus far. I do what I can to keep from falling asleep in my chair: I doodle. And since my coworker has a new whiteboard, I can't stop with one page. I draw all over the board, too, scribbling anything from hair-on-fire to a deranged yogi. You know, happy little things like 'at. It may be a terribly quiet week, but this sure beats Bob Ross' trees. That'd be really boring.
More About: Happy , Boredom

Feels Like q34=rt@ijw666zg*h9k!
2008-03-04 00:48:00
I've recently moved here for work. I really dig my career, but I loathe the winter. Besides jobs, are there any other reasons to make this a home?Today's a balmy -15 with a dusty wind that "feels like" -27. It feels like I can't feel anything. That's what it feels like. But it's a dry cold. Yes, if I'd rather be optimistic, "It sure is a dry hell out there, eh?" It was a colony of virgin daiquiri sipping Methodists who first settled here. Why anyone followed these Bible-thumpers is beyond me. If Jesus jumped from a bridge, they likely would, too. That's the real reason why it's called the City of Bridges, or as CareySaysUms warmly refers to it, the Shitty of Bridges. I've never frozen for God, so I can't understand the path of these zealots. Anyone who stalks a man carrying 2 X 4s up a hill to die isn't easy to get and is likely a bit too optimistic for one's own good.Why not move here, nix the hot toddies and freeze-dry a new frontier? Sold? Trying. There are Methodist...

Painting with Poo
2008-03-03 01:38:00
Long before child prodigy Akiane and finger-painting Freddie showcased their canvases of childhood, there is my fidgety brother with full diapers and an enormous white wall. Past age 4, a young child might heed parent warnings that not every white surface is a canvas, and not every ooze a medium. But this toddler Basquiat is all about art no matter what. When artistic freedom joyrides with juvenile hyperactivity, it's bound to leave skid-marks. Instead of spray paint or chalk, my older brother insists on using loaded nappies to smear the walls, curtains and any other surface he feels needs a touch of yesterday's peas and carrots. Soon, my parents smell the masterpiece from the den. Rather than calling Saatchi like Freddie's mom, Dad instructs my brother to clean, and the foul stench of "artism" fades.
More About: Painting

The One Hip Clothing Store in Saskatoon
2008-03-02 16:01:00
What? You think I'm about to make fun of Saskatoon ? Don't flinch. I won't complain here. Here's a store where I can go for a tie without going for a tie. Orange, fuscia and black? You bet. Why not try on a pair of comfy jeans with that wicked jacket? It's Brooklyn Clothing Co. without Brooklyn, Yaletown or hefty price tags. It's Ultimo Euromoda, a welcome clothing store in a frumpy town. "We don't all drive around in pick-up trucks," says a helpful clerk. I want to give a response that begs him not to push his luck, but I refrain by adjusting my tucked in shirttail. It's a great clothing store, but it doesn't completely nullify the monster truck rally racing through the mud outside. It's a muddy mess out there, but there's a fancy-pants boutique suiting up for change.
More About: Store

Dust Off the White Cane, We're Goin' to Vegas
2008-03-01 16:35:00
Joining the CNIB to network with other whiny blind folks is dumb, but there's one worthwhile perk.My "personal attendant" flies FREE. For eons, I checked flights for weekend getaways. Frustration hit when I found all seats overpriced -- $600 and up for an hour's flight. That's ridiculous . . . unless.With my CNIB card, we can fly two-for-one. For the Westjet site, special needs passengers click hereOnce, there was a jaunt where I popped Advil, but I'm really not a special needs flyer. I don't want anyone's flighty pity. You may pity me with more peanuts. But FREE travel? Gee, you shouldn't have.Careers? Not likely for most. Soaring above negative stigmas? Nope. But FREE flights? Now boarding.In high school, I was a legislative page for NC. During this necktie nightmare, a motherly coordinator thought my tunnel vision meant I couldn't run errands. Who knew I could do it all by myself? Yay!But equality aside, I'll take advantage of the tix. 'Cause, well, a poor precious blin...
More About: White , Vegas , Cane , Goin

Watches for Wactaclick-tocs
2008-02-29 15:21:00
Wactaclick-tocs follow the land and keep time by nature. But why don't they call me by 5:00 p.m.?All day, I attempt to get a Wactaclick-toc woman on the line to talk about an exciting new non-profit, but she doesn't return my voicemails or emails. When I bring it up, the E.D. responds: "I don't mean to sound racist, but Wactaclick-tocs don't respond well to our imposed time-space continuum."Historically, Wactaclick-tocs were slow to embrace the modern clock. When whitey barged in to claim  farmland, he appeared diplomatic, asking the wise old chief to meet him at noon to work out an agreeable plan. But noon passed and Wactaclick-tocian chief Stares at Mole on Wrist never came by. That's why I, another modern-day whitey with money, have a way to ensure Wactaclick-tocs are always on time in this fierce, self-made world where time is money. Watches for Wactaclick-tocs will give timepieces to all people. Soon, Wactaclick-tocs and whiteys will arrive together . . . as One...

Dear Diarrhea
2008-02-28 19:38:00
Dearest Diary, Well, the sex change was a success. Folks at work really do think I'm a man . . . Um, uh, hello.
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Carey Says Ums, Psychic
2008-02-27 19:35:00
What's less risky than throwing money into Saskatoon real estate? E*Trade. This evening, I look at my last overpriced fixer-upper -- $300,000 for a ramshackle shack in the Buena Vista neighbourhood. Rotten eaves, a bathtub shoved in the attack and just enough space for a chair in the living room. And the good view? A fast moving freeway. This real estate market is out of control. Good for current homeowners and a turnoff for newcomers. I forecast a future far less promising than the overly aggressive yay-sayers. It will rise slightly, and then level. Everyone who just moved here from more urban dots on the map will either a) continue renting for less or b) move back to high prices with real amenities. Buy a house? I'd rather play Russian Roulette with a loaded bank account.
More About: Carey , Psychic

Capital M
2008-02-19 02:45:00
It's ticking. Can you hear it? Tic-toc. Tic-toc. Tic-toc. Cha-ching! That's the sound of money moving through a well-oiled machine bigger than us. It's the pursuit of progress and the capitation of capitalism. Hey, just because I wrote yesterday's anti-socialist drivel doesn't mean I'm not fair-and-balanced. I'm a satirist, not a right-wing nut (Oops!). In Saskatchewan, today is a statutory holiday -- Family Day (Get out your Bibles, kids.). In British Columbia? It's just another day on the clock. Spare a day off, and British Columbia might lose $370 million in productivity. Saskatchewan is different, only losing a few sidewalks to snow. Money made? Gazillions. For everyone else, there's another day in SK.
More About: Capital

Tsk Tsk Taxatchewan
2008-02-18 01:52:00
As if snow, mud and PST / GST aren't enough, the socialist capital of North America wants more money for my 2007 personal income taxes -- 23% more than the yearly total in British Columbia. This isn't really an issue if one makes pennies a day, but if you have the record writing year that I had in 2007, it adds up. What's a nice little refund in BC becomes a hefty pay out in SK. Suddenly, a socialist drunk on a well-fed dole can kick Stephen Harper's ass in a late night bar brawl, and I'm forced to absorb their lefts, rights and medical bills like a dutiful bar mop. This reminds me of the best casino print ad ever written, which reads: "Walk in a Democrat. Walk out a Republican." I'm certainly not a right-winger, but I do expect more bang for my buck. Don't you?

Saskatoon Car Wash
2008-02-18 01:42:00
In North Carolina, the government is shutting down car washes to conserve water. It only takes 13.5 gallons of water to wash a car with a high-pressure hose. It takes 99 million a day to run a hog "processing" plant, but it will remain open. I smell inbreeding. The car wash owners are a target, because they don't contribute to the economy. Apparently, slaughtering pigs is a real money-maker. Wash ing your car with 13.5 gallons of water is just too much of a waste, yet Mike Easley's lawn remains a lush green.
More About: Saskatoon , Car Wash