Comedian Jenee- People are Idiots

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Paris Part Trois
2008-05-01 20:35:00
Ok, so the travelogue that never ends is down to this post and one more with some drink tributes to the soldiers. The Landmarks – The Eiffel Tower is just a heaping pile of scrap metal. I remained just long enough to take this picture then I went looking for a bar. – The Arc de Triomphe is lovely- for about five minutes, three if it’s rainy, cold and windy (which it was). I snapped a picture then hit a bar. – I visited the Cathédrale Notre Dame and La Basilique du Sacré Coeur and didn’t burst into flames at either church so if there is a God, I suppose that’s a good sign. I went to Sacré Coeur close to sunset when dark clouds covered the sky so it had a very spooky vibe to it, which I thought was kind of cool. Outside there’s a panoramic view of the city, which I checked out for about five minutes then I headed to a bar (are you seeing a pattern here)? – I strolled through the Ritz Carlton (on my way to the bar, naturally) but the drin...
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Paris Part Deux
2008-04-18 22:54:00
I swear, one of these days this travelogue will be completed. I just remembered something that should have been included in the language section. I was kind of looking forward to hearing the French say my name since I thought they’d make it sound fabulous but it turned out they couldn’t say my name- none of them! Numerous times I wrote it down with the accent ague and even threw my “Like Renée with a J” line at them. They had no problem saying Renée but then they’d say my name and it would come out like “Juh-nee.” Totally, totally bizarre to me. I also neglected to mention in the language section that everywhere you go they play American music, which makes it even stranger that their English isn’t better. The Men If you are a woman with any self esteem issues, then Paris is the place for you. I’m telling you, I had more men fawning over me than I had even in my early twenties. I don’t know if it’s all that wine they d...
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Paris Part Un
2008-04-14 11:22:00
My post-Afghanistan plans were supposed to include Paris and London but because I was making my travel arrangements at the last minute, I opted to simplify things and just do Paris. So I spent a night at Ramstein Air Base in Germany and booked the high speed train to Paris (only 2.5 hours) for the the next day. I arrived early to get my ticket then waited 45 minutes on the platform for my train to arrive. This is the part where my friends will laugh their asses off and I’ll hate them forever for it. After the passengers exited, a train employee stepped off and blocked the door with his arm while he smoked a cigarette. So I stood six inches in front of him waiting for the okay to go on board. A minute or two passed and a guy in a hat about 30 feet from us gave a sort of “all clear” sign and the dude in front of me put out his cigarette and hopped on the train. I started to pull my bags on behind him and the door closed! Right in front of my face. I rushed over towar...
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All The Stuff I Left Out
2008-04-08 03:40:00
Before I get to the European portion of my trip, there are some things I left out of my other recaps for various reasons and I’ll include them here. One aspect of military tours I really love is getting to do things I never would have had the opportunity to do otherwise. Probably the coolest experience for me this time around was shooting an M4 semi-automatic weapon. A can was set up about 30 yards away and I plugged away at it, hitting it on each of my first three shots. Here you can witness my prowess with the M4: I was pretty proud of my shooting, especially considering the only other time I’ve ever shot a gun was at a gun club and after firing off about 10 rounds I had to ask where they went and learned that because of the kickback I’d been hitting the ceiling. Another unique experience I had was driving a humvee. The soldiers wanted me to go full speed through the mud puddles but I knew with my luck I’d somehow flip the truck and have to explain ...
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Kyrgyzstan ?08- Days 1-5
2008-04-03 18:37:00
Our stop at Manas Air Base in Kyrgyzstan was supposed to be a brief one. We arrived after midnight and thought we’d be on a plane back to Germany the next day. No such luck. We weren’t greeted by MWR people so we handled the lodging arrangements on our own. There was a problem involving Ira’s Visa that I was stuck dealing with and it got me to bed quite late. I finally crashed in my windowless room, figuring someone would wake me when it was time to go. After almost three days with little more than cat naps, I slept until after noon then tried to figure out what the situation was. The situation was Ira managed to book a flight back to the U.S. (via Ireland) later in the afternoon and I think there might have been a chance for me to get on that had someone notified me (and I’m not sure why that didn’t happen since my room was right next to the terminal). I spoke to the flight agents and learned there weren’t any flights going anywhere for four days...
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Afghanistan ?08- Days 10-12
2008-03-25 03:25:00
Day ten we were back in Bagram for our last scheduled show. It was our biggest show, unfortunately it was also our worst. About 10 minutes in, airplanes started taking off and helicopters circled overhead. I’m not kidding, it went on almost constantly and stopped right after the show ended. I swear the pilots in Bagram must hate us or something. Every time we try to get a flight out of Bagram it’s delayed for some reason or another but as soon as we start a show, they’re taking off right and left. It wasn’t a bad show but some bits got lost in the noise so the tour didn’t end on the high note we would have liked (click here to read a military article about the show). When the show ended, I was told that check in for our departing flight would be at 4:45 am so I opted to stay up the whole night. I was hanging out in the MWR office watching CNN when a commercial came on. Out here they don’t show regular commercials, it’s all military propagand...
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Time Flies When You?re Having Fondue
2008-03-22 02:27:00
Well, it only took nine days before I dropped the ball on my travel diary. I blame it mostly on difficult Internet access but there was also laziness on my part. I’ll start getting the rest of my tales and pictures up over the next few days. © Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. | Permalink | One comment | Subscribe to this post's comments Name (required)E-mail (required, , but not shown)WebsiteComment'; return false;">Write a comment
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Afghanistan ?08- Days Eight and Nine
2008-03-04 16:24:00
This morning we flew back to Bagram then caught a flight to Jalalabad. This first picture is of the airport just outside the base limits and the second is an aerial view of the first grass I?ve seen since I?ve been here. If you look closely you can see that every section of land is cordoned off by a wall- it?s like that all over Afghanistan . Some of these lots have properties on them but most don?t and I can?t quite figure out why so many barren sections of land have walls around them. On some flights they ask us what our blood type is. That?s it- passport and blood type. I don?t think there?s any good reason why anybody needs to know my blood type, sort of the way I can?t think of any bad reason why someone needs to know the size of my ring finger. Then when I tell them my blood type is AB negative they say, ?Oooh, I never hear that one.? That definitely can?t be good. Whatever their reason is for asking, I?m inclined to believe there?s safety in numbers when it comes to blood type...
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Afghanistan ?08- Days Six and Seven
2008-03-02 19:47:00
Yesterday we rode in a convoy back to Bagram then hopped on a plane to Kandahar. Kandahar is farther south than the other bases we?ve been to and the daytime weather was in the 70?s so I was able to trade my heavy coat for my sarong and flip flops. I?m sure all the soldiers in their heavy gear hated me. I was given a driving tour of the base by some of the MWR (Morale, Welfare and Recreation) folks. They?re the ones who organize the shows and are sort of stuck babysitting us while we?re on their base. The highlight of the tour was their poop lake. Yes, it?s literally a lake of poop and as pleasant as it was in mild weather, I?m sure it?s fully ripe in summer?s 140 degree temperatures. Rumor has it that some Romanians swam across it for $500 but the Americans I asked all agreed they wouldn’t do it for less than $100K. On the outskirts of the base are some trashed buildings where some Afghan nationals still live. We drove by it just slow enough for a six-year-old girl to open th...
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Afghanistan ?08- Day Five
2008-02-28 21:01:00
Today we rode in a convoy to Camp Blackhorse, another small base around Kabul. The only live entertainment they?ve had in the last year was a military band that played Celtic music so, needless to say, we were well received. Prior to the show I joined one of the soldiers and a local interpreter for a traditional Afghan meal. The food didn?t scare me- it was actually quite good- and it was great to learn about the culture from a native. Not only that, he was seriously hot in a sweet, smart, has-no-idea-how-much-pussy-he-could-get-i n-America kind of way. He told us how he fell in love with a woman but her father wouldn?t let her marry him so now he?s engaged to a woman that was arranged for him. He said that?s still very common in Afghanistan (even among cousins) and although he claimed he?s fallen in love with his fiancé, I thought I detected a bit of disappointment. If there had been any alcohol on the table, I totally would have tested his affections for her. Naturally I had to a...

Afghanistan ?08- Day Four
2008-02-28 12:49:00
After two days of flight delays, we finally got out of Bagram via convoy. I was excited to check out the countryside only to have the driver instruct us to keep an eye out for a particular Toyota Corolla suspected of being an IED (improvised explosive device). Nice- I travel halfway around the world only to be told to keep my eyes peeled for a car I can see every day back home. As we drove past little kids they?d give us a thumbs up, which I thought was really cool. Apparently some of them flash other fingers as well. For most of the drive there really wasn?t much to see other than the occasional mud huts the locals live in and lots and lots of dirt. Forget about seeing the ocean- I?ll bet many people in these parts live their whole lives without ever seeing grass. We drove to Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan , where they don?t quite grasp the concept of driving lanes. They just put their cars wherever they can fit. Supposedly our military has the right of way but I didn?t notice...

Afghanistan ?08- Where am I?
2008-02-26 18:43:00
The Internet speed has been unbelievably slow at the last few bases- it takes about five minutes to load ONE page- so I’m going to have to hold off on uploading photos and updates until I have a better connection. Just thought I’d send a note to let you all know I’m alive and having a great time. © Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. | Permalink | One comment | Subscribe to this post's comments Name (required)E-mail (required, , but not shown)WebsiteComment'; return false;">Write a comment
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My Oscar Picks
2008-02-24 06:55:00
Last week I promised to send my reviews of the four best picture nominees I watched and I figure I better get this up before the ceremony so that I can bitch about the winners tomorrow: Michael Clayton- This movie was boring with a capital “Zzz.” It took me three days to watch the whole thing. Any movie that features George Clooney in almost every scene but can’t hold my attention has to be pretty awful. Clooney stars as a “fixer” for a law firm- he fixes people’s problems. His friend has a problem that could create problems for the law firm so he tries to help his friend with his problem but he has his own problems so the firm helps him with his problem so he can help them with their problem. Read that last sentence over and over for two hours and that time spent will be more entertaining than what I spent watching this film. The fact that this was nominated for best picture is a testament to the fatal charm of George Clooney and apparently the m...
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Afghanistan ?08- Day One
2008-02-20 01:08:00
Actually, day one was mostly spent on (or waiting for) planes. I flew from LA to NY then transferred to a flight from NY to Frankfurt with ridiculously small seats. My seating companion on the latter flight was a wannabe Borat who liked to chat. Luckily, the only open seat on the flight happened to be next to his buddy so he spent most of the flight there, giving me some room to stretch out. He returned toward the end and said, “I like make present for beautiful woooman” and gave me a box of chocolates. I thought it was kind of strange that he happened to have an extra box of chocolates on him, even more strange when he said he had four more boxes. Apparently Borat’s a playa (as in “player,” not a Spanish beach). From Frankfurt we (the other comic and I) rode about an hour to Ramstein AFB, which is where I spent a night when I toured the Balkans a few years ago. Somehow on the last trip I must have missed the fact that the German word for “exit...
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And The Winner Is? Me!
2008-02-18 12:16:00
For the last five years I’ve bartended at the Academy Awards without having seen many (some years, any) of the best picture nominees beforehand. This year I decided to make the event more interesting by watching them all so that I wouldn’t accidentally shoo away another best actor nominee. I got through four of the five pictures when, naturally, something better came along and now I won’t be working the Oscars- that’s because I’m going to Afghanistan instead! Ok, so “better” is a matter of perspective. This is something I begged to do the day after 9/11 (otherwise known as 9/12) but the company I’ve done overseas gigs for in the past never booked any tours in the area. So it’s been a long time coming. Who wouldn’t turn down the Oscars for a gig where the booker spends half an hour trying to talk you out of it because of the potential danger involved? Good times. The plan is to entertain the troops in Afghanistan for two w...
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The Plane Truth
2008-02-06 05:06:00
I think I’ve mentioned this here before that whenever I’ve flown over the last couple of years I’ve glanced around at the other passengers and compared them with the hotties on Lost ’s flight 815. And every time it’s been quite clear that if we were all stranded together, island pregnancies would not be an issue. This time I got a little proof of the kind of stud I’d be running from Smokey with: Come to think of it, he kind of looks like he’s preparing for some island inseminations- assembly line style. © Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. | Permalink | One comment | Subscribe to this post's comments Name (required)E-mail (required, , but not shown)WebsiteComment'; return false;">Write a comment
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I?m Fucking Matt Damon
2008-02-04 14:53:00
I can’t stop singing this damn song so I’m passing it along in the hope that infecting others will help me return to my usual tune, “I’m fucking George Clooney.” (FYI- It was a gift from Sarah Silverman to her man Jimmy Kimmel for the fifth year anniversary of his show). © Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. | Permalink | Leave a comment | Subscribe to this post's comments Name (required)E-mail (required, , but not shown)WebsiteComment'; return false;">Write a comment
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Slick Landings
2008-01-29 04:23:00
I’m flying to New York tomorrow so I checked the Transportation Security Administration’s carry-on guidelines to see if any laws were passed last week prohibiting things like ink pens. The TSA website states that most liquids/foods can be carried in quantities less than three ounces but exceptions for larger quantities can be made for certain items and it specifically mentions KY Jelly as one of them. That led me to check the KY Jelly website where I verified it’s pretty much just for fucking. Lower down on the TSA page, whipped cream is listed as an item limited to less than three ounces, the message of course being that it’s okay to spend your flight joining the mile high club, you just can’t be too kinky about it. © Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. | Permalink | Leave a comment | Subscribe to this post's comments Name (required)E-mail (required, , but not shown)WebsiteComment'; return fa...
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Kitler
2008-01-26 06:56:00
Come on- the resemblance is funny. Check out real Cats that look like Hitler (and of course, comments from the people who can’t see the humor in kitlers). © Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. | Permalink | Leave a comment | Subscribe to this post's comments Name (required)E-mail (required, , but not shown)WebsiteComment'; return false;">Write a comment
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Heath Gone
2008-01-24 20:50:00
In the last week, two young celebrities have met untimely deaths and since this stuff usually happens in threes, Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse would be wise to check the expiration dates on their respective deals with the devil. While Brad Renfro’s death garnered less press than his breakthrough role in “The Client” did, Heath Ledger’s will surely be talked about for years to come. The police say no foul play was involved but I call foul on the woman who found him and (naturally) decided her first call should be to none other than an Olsen twin (I guess the wiser Uncle Jesse wasn’t available). If I discovered a movie star’s cold, lifeless body then spotted George Clooney’s number on the speed dial, sure, I’d be tempted to give him a ring. But I think I’d have enough sense to cut short a 911 call before dialing Georgie’s digits. Oh, I forgot to mention Ledger was naked, which apparently is an obligatory fact to include ...
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The MySpace Between Their Ears
2008-01-23 00:21:00
It’s been a while since I’ve railed on MySpace and the mockery is long overdue: I’ll start with an unusual friend request I received a few days ago; It was from my mom. As if seeing my mom’s mug on MySpace wasn’t disturbing enough, she lists her marital status as “single.” Hey, I know I’m bad about returning phone calls but there are better ways for parents to inform their kid about a divorce. They seemed so happy at our birthday celebration last week (sniff). I’m curious how she even found my MySpace page and I’m a bit concerned that she found it through this blog. I’ve always known there was a possibility my parents read my blog but I have to operate under a shroud of denial for the sake of keeping it real. Otherwise, I’d have to start using terms like “frickin’” and “gosh darn” while I discuss gum drop forests. There really need to be parental controls for parents. I’d hate...
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