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When does Life begins?
2007-08-15 10:08:00
In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.The Catholic Priest spoke first and said "At conception, of course!"The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth."The United Minister tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog they left behind dies!"

Top 10 Signs that You've been Programming too long.
2007-08-15 09:36:00
1) When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".2) When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.3) When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.4) When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.5) When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"6) When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.7) When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.8) When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.9) When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.10) When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
More About: Programming , Signs , Long , Ming , Been

Freak Out
2007-08-13 13:24:00
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.For a second, everything was quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
More About: Freak

Cape Fear
2007-08-13 06:05:00
Have you seen the current remake of the movie 'Cape Fear ?'It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

The 8's
2007-08-09 14:44:00
The 8's What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

What are you in for?
2007-08-03 16:09:00
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I?m in here to get my tonsils out and I?m a little nervous." The first kid says, "You?ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It?s a breeze."The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...Couldn?t walk for a year."

Yin Road
2007-08-01 07:58:00
The map her friend had drawn indicated that the client, a country vet she was to see, lived in the second farm past Yin road. Try as she might, the vet could not find a Yin Road anywhere!Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.She stopped and asked at the next farm. "I ain't never heard of no Yin Road." said the farmer."But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years.""Thanks," replied the vet. "Where can I find him?" "He lives on the second farm past the Y in the road."

Longer legs
2007-07-31 07:15:00
On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist."Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked. "Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated. "No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."
More About: Legs

Miss the Show?
2007-07-23 17:03:00
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first act intermission, he had to urinate in the worst way. He hurried to the back of the theater and searched in vain for the men's room.At last he came upon a fountain surrounded by pretty foliage. He realized that he had wandered backstage. Noting that no one was around, and in desperation, he opened his pants and pissed into the fountain.He had difficulty finding his way back to the auditorium, and by the time he sat down next to his wife, the curtain was up and the actors were moving about on the stage."Did I miss much of he second act?" he whispered."Miss it?" she said, "You were in it."
More About: Show

All my fault!
2007-07-23 16:52:00
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, you?re in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field.""You must work in information technology," says the balloonist."Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?""Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."The man below says, "You must work in management.""I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?""Well," says the man, "you don?t know where you are, or where you?re going, but you expect my immediate help. You?re in the same position you were before we met, but now it?s my fault!"
More About: Fault

Hampered
2007-07-22 15:55:00
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

A Dollar
2007-07-21 14:32:00
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking."You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."
More About: Dollar , Doll

Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
2007-07-19 17:34:00
* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You answer the door before people knock. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You ride an exercise bike to work. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * You use coffee flavored mouthwash. * You help your dog chase its tail.
More About: Coffee , Signs , Drinking

Unknown Soldier
2007-07-19 16:37:00
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Sold ier . They look at the tomb and read the following inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER. The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!"

Famous Quotes?
2007-07-19 16:25:00
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.H. L. MenckenRun for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.George ClooneyToday, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.Dave LettermanPoliticians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.P. J. ORourkePolitics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.Robert Louis StevensonPolitics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.Ronald Reagan
More About: Famous Quotes , Quotes , Famous , Quote

You be Jesus!
2007-07-16 17:40:00
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3.The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson.If Jesu s were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

From the Balcony
2007-07-09 07:43:00
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you?re allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn?t budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don?t move, I?ll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said,"All right, what?s your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."

FATASS
2007-07-09 06:33:00
The old farmer sat rocking on the front porch as he talked to the stranger. "Been thirty years since I lost my wife in these woods.""Oh, I?m sorry," the stranger said, "It must have been hard to lose your wife like that.""Hard?" the farmer snorted, "Was damn near impossible! She knew those woods like the back of her hand!"*********************************** ******************** New Federal AgencyAlmost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies ,FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc.Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."Can?t you just see it now? The new service in their black uniforms with their initials in large white letters across their backs? "FATASS "

A Drunkard
2007-07-03 09:19:00
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr.Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr.Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.The man walks over and tries to wake Mr.Murphy but Mr.Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr.Murphy to his feet and Mr.Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him.He opens the passenger door and helps Mr.Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practic...

Vacuum
2007-07-01 12:14:00
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
More About: Vacuum

Who is the Complicated One?
2007-06-30 07:45:00
Wife or well-trained Hubby Shark? :D*Click on image to view it better.
More About: Cate , Complicated

Fight Like A Man
2007-06-27 05:33:00
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
More About: Fight , Like , A Man

Reject Rejection Letter
2007-06-15 05:21:00
Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Well here's a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,[Your name here]____________________________________ _____________________________ A guy sh...
More About: Letter , Rejection

Jigsaw Puzzle
2007-06-08 16:34:00
3 blondes walk into a bar and tell the waiter to bring them 10 glasses and a bottle of wine.The 3 women begin to shout 56 days. The waiter is wondering what is going on.Later 4 more blonde women join them. They pick up a glass of wine and also begin to chant 56 days.Then 3 more blondes walk in. One is carrying a picture of some thing. They pick up the last three glasses of wine and also begin to chant 56 days.The waiter is still wondering what is going on so he walks over.He looks at the picture. Then he asks, "Why do you have a picture of Cookie monster and why are you chanting 56 days?"One of the blondes said, "On the side of the puzzle box it says 3-6 years but we put it together in 56 days!!"
More About: Puzzle , Jigsaw

Good Trade
2007-06-08 14:21:00
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them."If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
More About: Trade

Kidnapped?
2007-05-31 16:15:00
A fellow rings his friend. The phone is answered and Little Johnny whispers "Hello"The man says "Can I speak to Daddy?""He's busy" comes the reply."Well can I speak to Mummy?""She's busy""Is there any one else there?""Social services are here"Well can I speak to them?""They're busy""Is there anyone else there?""There's a policeman here""Well can I speak to him?""He's busy""Well what are all these people doing at your house"...Little Johnny answers, "Looking for me!"
More About: Kidnapped

Assorted jokes
2007-05-29 07:29:00
Seeing my 11-year-old perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She sure is pretty. Which picture do you like best?" "I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her." I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So, when did you learn to read Spanish?"******************************** ************************During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through the exercise, we realized we had lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 359 that we'll get out of here." "How do you come up with that?" someone asked. "Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."********************************** *****************My friend's mother is a proper Southern lady and a passionate gardener who spends hours outside with her plants. In her neighborhood, where she has lived most o...
More About: Jokes , Sort

Flight to Jamaica
2007-05-15 08:51:00
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn?t have a first class ticket.The blonde replies, "I?m blonde, I?m smart, I have a good job, and I?m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica ."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.The blonde yet again repeats "I?m blonde, I?m smart, I have a good job and I?m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The head stewardesses doesn?t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.The copilot replies...
More About: Light , Flight

The History of Cinco de Mayo
2007-05-11 08:16:00
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
More About: History , Cinco de Mayo , Stor , Hist , Tory

Assorted jokes
2007-05-03 08:59:00
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.****************************** ***************************************** **********A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse?s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse?s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse?s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is m...
More About: Jokes , Sort