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Revolting
2007-04-24 09:02:00
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

One wish
2007-04-05 12:33:00
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
More About: Wish

Justice prevailed!
2007-03-18 08:59:00
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Just ice prevailed."The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

The blind leading the blind
2007-03-18 07:43:00
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few ...
More About: Blind , Leading , Lead

Job Application
2007-03-09 12:36:00
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!NAME: Greg Bulmash.SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.SALARY: Less than I'm worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If...
More About: Cat , Application

Expensive Momma!
2007-02-28 13:50:00
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good- bye mother!' It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy. As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
More About: Pens , Momma

A Letter Home
2007-02-23 11:09:00
Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay? Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but...
More About: Home , Letter

Twin Boys
2007-02-23 10:50:00
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy ...
More About: Twin , Boys

Passion for beans
2007-02-23 10:13:00
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married. It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill...
More About: Beans , Passion , Bean , Pass , Sion

Bored at Cyber Cafes? Try these suggestions.
2007-02-22 13:53:00
Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!" Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!" Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine. Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!" Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's. Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!" Sit at the web terminal... without a chair. Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, tu...
More About: Bored , Suggestion , Cyber , Cafes , Cafe

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant
2007-02-18 11:16:00
Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months.Alaska Zoo officials debated this past year about whether to keep Maggie. She has been the only elephant in the zoo since 1997 when her companion of 14 years, Annabelle, died. Some experts believe that in order to be healthy and happy a zoo elephant should be part of a small herd of 3 or more.The Zoo's elephant committee decided that the risks of moving Maggie out of state and of totally changing her life were too great. Besides, she seems happy here and she has a familiar "herd" in Alaska already. Numerous Zoo officials, animal handlers and exercisers, and familiar frequent visitors spend many hours a day with her.In order to increase Maggie's comfort and health, zoo officials decided to give M...
More About: Read , Want , Elephant , Wanted

Good night's sleep
2007-02-15 06:59:00
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, ...
More About: Night , Sleep , Good Night

Flat tyre
2007-02-09 02:48:00
A class was having a test. Two students did not prepare it and kept partying. The next day they both concocted a story and told their instructor that on their way back from college the tyre of the car got flat and the effort was very hectic so they did not prepare it. The instructor said no problem, prepare it for tomorrow . They both crammed every thing and went for test.instructor made both of them sit on two different floors and distributed the paper. First question was, define for five points,what is an atom? The next question was, mention , for ninety five points, which tyre of the car it was, which got flat?
More About: Tyre , Flat

Quit while being AHEAD
2007-02-08 08:58:00
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.His Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink'! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is...
More About: Head , Quit , Bein , While , Being

Speed trap
2007-02-07 08:46:00
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding downMain Street."But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cooloff in jail until the chief gets back.""But officer, I just wanted to say....""And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said,"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
More About: Speed , Trap

Be Silent!
2007-02-04 15:31:00
A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a distant country.She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'.She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise.Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts 'BE SILENT!'.There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OE...'.
More About: Silent , Lent

Nutrition
2007-02-03 10:11:00
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
More About: Nutrition

Yikessss! Gasp!
2007-02-02 07:05:00
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out from all the junk going on at work these days. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts for a few loyal co-workers. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poor...

Nice letter
2007-02-02 06:48:00
Dearest Redneck Son,I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.We don't live where we did when you left home.Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.The weather isn't bad here.It only rained twice last week... the first time for three days and the second time for four days.About that coat you wanted me to send... your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out...
More About: Letter , Nice

Poof-disappearing act
2007-02-02 05:29:00
One day a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were out window shopping, when they came across an old mysterious head shop.The three girls went inside, and went up to the counter where an old woman was standing.The old woman looked them over, and asked the girls if they wanted to see something. The girls curiously said yes.Then the old woman pulled out a very old looking jar.The old woman said to the girls, "This is a magic jar, you whisper something you think is true into it, and if it is true, something really GREAT will happen.BUT if it isnt true..... POOF!! you’ll disappear off the face of the earth."The redhead said she would go first. She took the jar and whispered into it, "I think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world."POOF!!!! The redhead disappeared.Then the brunette said, "Let me try I don’t lie." She took the jar and whispered, "I think I’m the smartest girl in the world...POOF!!!!! she disappears.Then the blonde says, "Well let me try. She took the jar and whisp...
More About: Pear , Ring , Disappear , Sapp

Kissing
2007-02-01 06:45:00
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his h...
More About: Kiss , Kissing , Sing

The Bronze Rat
2007-01-30 16:29:00
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand for the story behind it." "At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the bronze rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot...
More About: Bronze , Bron

Pizza Delivery
2007-01-29 06:01:00
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
More About: Live , Elive , Liver , Deli

What Chair?
2007-01-28 13:13:00
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an 'A' when he had barely written anything at all.His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
More About: Hat , Hair , Chair , Chai

Wonder Dog
2007-01-28 12:47:00
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
More About: Wonder

Experienced Management
2007-01-27 13:33:00
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.'The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, ...
More About: Management , Men , Experience , Mana , Manage