LaughnRollLaughnRollJokes, humour, something to make you laugh and perhaps put a silly grin on your face. Articles
Safest way to drive
2007-12-31 14:31:00 Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American drivinghabits, offers the following advice:The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directlyproportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one'sexposure.One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirdsare caused by non-drunk drivers.Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast. More About: Drive
Email Chain Letter
2007-12-29 02:24:00 I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.Because of your concern... I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise. I no longer shop at Target s... More About: Email , Letter , Chain
The Fastest Car
2007-12-23 04:14:00 A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the spe...
Wanted for Attempted Murder
2007-12-11 10:24:00 WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot,... More About: Murder , Wanted , Temp
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
2007-12-04 15:55:00 How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. 3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 4. If the person says he's J... More About: Marketer
A great fruit cake recipe
2007-11-24 08:50:00 You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake... More About: Recipe , Fruit , Great , Cake , Reci
Making a Fortune
2007-11-19 13:11:00 A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.""The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." More About: Fortune
Piano Jokes
2007-11-16 07:38:00 Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?A: A flat minor.Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?A: A flat major.Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?A: Be flat, major.Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?A: See flat major.Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?A: C sharp or B flat.Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?A: A sharp major.Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?A: A natural major.Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?A: Root position cords. More About: Jokes , Lists , Piano
MEGA MORON AWARDS
2007-11-14 06:22:00 Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera). Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?] Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back an... More About: Awards , Lists , Mega
Work in the dark
2007-11-09 10:22:00 A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" More About: Work , Dark , The Dark
Girlfriend 1.0 software
2007-11-06 08:01:00 Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A "Don't remind me again" button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system d... More About: Software , Computer
Arrested for shooting his own computer
2007-10-30 16:43:00 From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987: GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTERPASSAIC TWP. -- A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said."The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it," Van Tassel said.The handgun, which the lieutenant ... More About: Arrested , Computer , Shooting , Shoot
English Language Pronunciations
2007-10-28 14:27:00 Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard,Dies and diet, lord and word,Sword and sward, retain and Britain.(Mind the latter, how it's written.)Now I surely will not plague youWith such words as plaque and ague.But be careful how you speak:Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low,Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery,Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,Exiles, similes, and reviles;Scholar, vicar, and cigar,Solar, mica, war and far;One, anemone, Balmoral,Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;Gertrude, German, wind and mind,Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet,Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.Blood and flood are not like food... More About: English Language , Language
M&M Survival of the Fittest
2007-10-26 15:49:00 M&M's: The Theory of Evolution and the Survival of the FittestWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.To this end, I hold M&M duels.Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to i... More About: Viva
Speaking of guilelessness
2007-10-14 20:12:00 THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum.I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease.I smell like a homeless bloke, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer.I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with ... More About: Speaking
Special High Intensity Teaching
2007-10-08 05:43:00 Special High Intensity Teaching Memo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyother school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placedat the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail totake D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDETRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before theygraduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full ofS.H.I.T. already.If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may b... More About: Special , Letters
Reject the Rejection Letter
2007-10-08 05:38:00 Rejection Letter RejectEver wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Be bold. Well here's a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,[Your name here] More About: Letters , Rejection
Changed HR policies
2007-09-27 14:06:00 Casual Fridays:Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5 As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Pl... More About: Policies , Chang , Chan
Learnt from the kids
2007-09-21 17:23:00 1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. 5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a ... More About: Kids , The Kids
Bombed
2007-09-21 16:48:00 A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused.The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off."What's so funny?" they asked him."It was great," he said. "I burped and my neighbor's house blew up."
More Viruses
2007-09-13 07:42:00 Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.New World Order virus: probably har... More About: Viruses
Types of Viruses
2007-09-08 22:02:00 Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side fo... More About: Viruses , Types
Short One or Two liners
2007-09-05 13:18:00 Waiter, this soup tastes funny?Then why aren't you laughing!What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?Jaws Washington!Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?Because they run over sleepers!Why do you keep doing the backstroke?I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?She was maid in France!Who invented underground tunnels?A mole!Why did the clock get sick?It was run down! More About: Liners , Short
Low self esteem
2007-08-31 16:55:00 A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." More About: Self Esteem , Esteem
Air conditioner
2007-08-27 17:12:00 A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." More About: Air Conditioner , Condi , Conditioner
Remarry
2007-08-22 21:06:00 WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"HUSBAND:"Definitely not!"WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"HUSBAND:"Of course I do."WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).HUSBAND:(Makes audible groan).WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."WIFE: - - Silence - -HUSBAND: "Damn"
Peanuts
2007-08-21 17:33:00 A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'" More About: Peanuts
Case Settled
2007-08-18 06:56:00 A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.'Dad, listen,' he shouted, 'I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.''Settled it!' cried his astonished father. 'Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!' More About: Case
On Daddy's Lap
More articles from this author:2007-08-15 11:43:00 Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap! 1, 2, 3 |
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