Letters I Wish I'd SentLetters I Wish I'd SentI won't lie to you. If there is a letter here that is addressed to you, you are a moron Articles
Tax Breaks for Everyone!
2007-04-14 15:20:00 My advisors have pointed out that I have not yet begun to plumb the depths of my shallowness. My platform has been lacking in the “What’s in it for me?” area, and I plan to rectify that today. My promise to you is to reduce everyone’s tax bill by 5%, starting in the first year of ... More About: Tax , Break , Ever , Breaks , Everyone
Bob for President-Day 11-Is Don Imus a Weiner?
2007-04-13 05:32:00 My General Legal Counsel, a lawyer with that august firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, of Atlanta, GA, has pointed out that I am somewhat behind the curve on the Don Imus story, and that I should take a leadership position on this issue. Let me start by outlining my opponents’ strategy, perhaps best stated by ... More About: President , Wein , Side
Bob for President-What?s in a name?
2007-04-12 10:13:00 There are those who are less than impressed with the fact that I have been making fun of Mitt Romney’s name, when I clearly should be focused on his secret plan to marry all the unwed females in America, and turn them into registered Republicans. The truth is that his name scares me, and I felt ... More About: President , What , Hat , Name , Side
Get out the vote!
2007-04-11 18:04:00 Anyone who reads Ryan’s blog (or his comments on this blog, for that matter) knows that he is a very funny guy. At least we hope he is a funny guy. If not, we are laughing at him, not with him. He is now nominated for the best Humor Blog award, at Bloggers Choice Awards. If you ... More About: Vote , Get Out , The V
Bob for President-Day 9
2007-04-11 10:13:00 Regrettably, things are heating up on the Karmulastan front. It appears that some kind of skirmish has broken out with their neighbour, the Duchy of Shiraz-Sauvignon. The news is sort of sparse thus far, as there aren’t any reporters embedded in Linda, put I have put out feelers there, and hope to have more information ... More About: President , Side , Resident
Bob for President-Day 8
2007-04-10 15:17:00 Well, I have begun to recover from the horrible viral infection (which clearly is not related to that night in Linda) which would have killed a lesser man, and I am back on the campaign trail. Debo Blu has gone public with her stance on Karmulastan. There are those who speculated that her comments may have ... More About: President , Side , Resident
If you get a letter?..
2007-04-10 07:22:00 Every once in a while you have one of those moments that makes you wonder just what goes on in people?s minds, and I have just experienced such a moment. It began with an innocuous email sent to me by a sister, that involved a video involving a trans-gendered alumnus (or alumna, if you will) who ... More About: Letter
Bob for President-Day 6
2007-04-09 06:01:00 Isn’t it just typical…. Less than a week into my campaign, and I am already being smeared. Momo Karmula accuses me of bribes, on my own blog! Clearly, I do not accept bribes. I accept campaign contributions from people who think that I am the right man for the job, and whose interests happen to be coincident ... More About: President , Side , Resident
Why Nancy Pelosi was right to wear a hijab
2007-04-08 07:32:00 So, everyone has their knickers in a knot, because Nancy Pelosi wore a hijab in Syria. Feelings seem to vary between seeing her as having turned her back on feminism to her having “bowed down” before a foreign custom. One account that I read suggested that she should no more wear a hijab than bow ... More About: Hijab , Right , Elos
Bob For President-Day 4
2007-04-07 11:58:00 Being a presidential candidate is much more tiring than I thought it would be. Without an ever-present entourage of sycophantic toadies to guide me through the little things, like a campaign platform and foreign policy, I have had to muddle through on my own. I am the first to admit that formulating a path for this ... More About: President , Side , Resident
Bob For President-Day 3
2007-04-06 11:08:00 It has been pointed out to me that my campaign, as it stands right now, is missing one critical factor, that being a “sidekick” or “crony”. My understanding is that Giuliani already has one, in the form of an ex-Government official and partner who is currently under investigation, and is expected to be indicted for something ... More About: President , Side , Resident
Have a Nice Day Yourself, !&^%$#@!
2007-04-05 10:57:00 I think that I have given this issue enough time. I didn’t want to rush to judgment, but I have considered it carefully, and I have come to the conclusion that I hate emoticons. It might be because I hated the emoticon’s precursor, the Happy Face, in a way that is difficult to even put into ... More About: Yourself , Self , Your , Have , Nice
PETA Wanker Alert!
2007-04-05 06:27:00 Some of you may recall that I wrote a piece about PETA, about a lifetime ago, and that I turned it into a video rant which is in YouTube. As with most of the pieces that I produce, this one went unnoticed for quite some time. And then, suddenly, I was discovered by someone who ... More About: Alert , Wanker , Peta
Bob for President
2007-04-04 09:59:00 After years of bitching, whining and opining, I have decided that the time has come to put up or shut up. It is one thing to ridicule public figures and criticize politicians, and quite another to get down into the mud with them. As a result I am, today, announcing my candidacy for President of the ... More About: Side , Resident
Not the smartest pooch in the kennel
2007-04-03 10:29:00 I’m sure, by now, that everyone has heard of Elaine Larabie, the Ottawa woman who got sick, allegedly, by eating her dog’s tainted dog food. As the story goes, her dog refused to eat his Iams food and she, being helpful, decided to induce him to eat by pulling an old “Mommy and Baby” trick. “Look, ... More About: Smart , Arte , Mart , Test , Marte
5 to life for being a white guy behaving like a brown guy
2007-04-02 09:10:00 So, let me see if I have this straight: Hicks pleads guilty to offering aid and assistance to the enemy, and gets a vastly shortened sentence in exchange for agreeing to certain terms and conditions, specifically: He pleads guilty, and He agrees to state that the United States did not torture or otherwise mistreat him while he was at ... More About: Life , White , Brown , Bein , Like
Cheney planning to open up another front
2007-04-01 09:59:00 Normally, despite the fact that I am somewhat cranky, I manage to look at the stupidity that goes on in this world with a more than a little amusement. I try to make light of it. I try to make light of the morons, their moronic actions, and moronic situations that they create.But, today I ... More About: Other , Planning , Open , Cheney , Another
I want a detention!
2007-03-31 10:08:00 Once more (this time in South Carolina) folks are on a rampage because two female teachers had sex with teenaged male students. Finally, I have to weigh in on this issue, having once been a fourteen year old boy. I will not, in any way, suggest that these comments apply to the opposite gender. I ... More About: Want , Tent , Detention
An April Fool Prank Previewed for Regular Readers
2007-03-31 01:08:00 Today is a rare two-post day. Ze Grammar Fuhrer and I were sitting around recently, pondering how many drooling banjo-picking (substitute appropriate activities involving bag pipes, accordions or zithers, depending on your region) morons there are in the world. I think that the conversation (really!) stemmed from her frustration over some moron?s inability to master ?cut ... More About: Prank , Preview , Readers , April , Review
Fred Goldman is a hypocrite
2007-03-18 14:22:00 Let me start by saying that I am a little befuddled by a justice system that allows people to keep trying defendants until the desired result is achieved. It started, as nearly as I can tell, with the Rodney King case, where several police officers were acquitted in criminal court, only to be tried, convicted ... More About: Gold , Fred Goldman , Fred , Crit , Hypocrite
My Father Can Play Dominoes Better Than Your Father Can
2007-03-16 14:07:00 I had a tough time in Catholic School when I was a kid. I think you know what I’m talking about here. My parents ended up having to pull me out, and put me in public school, because I was so full of self-loathing, and my self-esteem was virtually gone.Going through puberty can be pretty ... More About: Play , Your , Better , Father , Bett
The Naked Ape-Part 2
2007-03-14 13:00:00 After I wrote “The N aked Ape -Revisited” I received the following comment from Deb: “You forgot to mention man is the ONLY being that separates geographically, skin colour etc. Neither dogs nor cockroaches are that stupid.” For once, I have to disagree with Deb. I think that man behaves exactlythe same way as these backwards critters, and that ... More About: Part
Mandarin Manners
2007-03-13 13:00:00 An astute reader brought to my attention the cultural battle that is, currently, being waged in Beijing. It is not the battle that you might expect, between Communism and Capitalism. No, it is the Holy War against hacking up phlegm and cutting ahead of people in line-ups, in anticipation of the Olympic Games. My extensive research ... More About: Mandarin , Mann , Anda , Anne , Manner
Jerks & Jack-Hammers
2007-03-12 14:12:00 The last couple of days have been spent putting in long hours on the renovations on the rental property. This weekend’s effort involved roughing in the new bathroom in the basement. We undertook this particular renovation for two reasons: In today’s insanely hot real estate market, it is a good investment, and It was the perfect opportunity ... More About: Jerk , Jack , Jerks , Hammer , Hammers
The Naked Ape?Re-visited
2007-03-09 12:56:02 Man is the most arrogant being in the Universe, and this sentence proves it. Given that the extent of man’s exploration of the Universe is our home planet, two acres on the moon and parts of New Jersey, it takes quite an ego to presume that, of all the sentient creatures that are, likely, floating around the cosmos, we are the best, the brightest, and the most arrogant. On a global level, because we’re not yet operating on a universal level or, even, a galactic level, we presume to distance ourselves from the co-habitants of our planet, by “civilizing” ourselves. Man, while arrogant, still has a little tiny inferiority complex, and I’m not referring to the one that manifests itself during the mating ritual. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, (see my letters to George Bush) man can not get past the idea that he is simply “different” from cats and dogs and cockroaches (in spite of the fact that the latter may be one of the most succes... More About: The Naked Ape , Site , The N , Visi , Visit
Bob the Builder
2007-03-08 00:54:03 The great thing about renovating is that any moron can do it, and they often do. Most guys believe that they are genetically hard-wired to renovate anything. Regrettably, most are simply hard-wired for watching renovation shows on TV. The net effect is that, for time immemorial, guys have told their wives “Don’t worry, this is easy. I’ll be done in half an hour”. To guys, half an hour is a relative term, sort of like “soon” is to a Mexican bus driver. And, everything is “easy”. Just as their ancestors had a tendency to say “Look, I’ll just move this one little rock, and there’ll be way more room for your wall paintings of cousin Jethro being eaten by something ending in “saur”", just before the cave collapsed, modern guys who have no idea what a “load-bearing wall” might be are just as likely to say “I’ll just move this one little wall….it’s not very thick…an... More About: Build , Builder
Bob the Builder
2007-03-07 15:37:00 The great thing about renovating is that any moron can do it, and they often do. Most guys believe that they are genetically hard-wired to renovate anything. Regrettably, most are simply hard-wired for watching renovation shows on TV. The net effect is that, for time immemorial, guys have told their wives “Don’t worry, this is easy. ... More About: Build , Builder
God, the window washing chimney sweep
2007-03-07 00:53:02 Today I went through another episode with one of the evil door-knockers. Many years ago, I put up a sign that says “No solicitors, salesmen, or peddlers”. Personally, I think that this is a pretty straight forward and easily understandable sign, and is a little more polite than “Piss off and leave me alone”. I put the sign up because, at night, I really don’t want to trudge back and forth to the door a hundred times to deal with window washers, chimney sweeps or religious zealots in crisp white shirts. During the day I work out of my house and don’t really want to waste a whole bunch of my billable time with all the people who couldn’t reach me the previous evening. The sign hasn’t worked. The excuses that I have heard range from “But it’s for charity, you can’t mean us” to “But we’re not selling anything…we only want to talk about God ” to today’s “But it’s a totally ... More About: Wind , Wash , Indo , Window
The Kings of Karmulastan
2007-03-07 00:53:02 I’ve noticed a disturbing trend, which appears to be increasing over the past few years, of parents giving their children stupid names. All of a sudden, Johnny & Billy and Susie & Ann seem to be on the verge of extinction, and are being replaced by tiny ankle-biters named LeBron & Lamakas and Noftalana & Kylannasuetwinkie. The range of new and ridiculous names is staggering. In my day, a dorky name was George, or Alfred, or Lloyd. Parents need to know that they don’t need to give their children stupid names. Their playmates will take care of that for them. If the kid is lucky, they will outgrow whatever horrible name they receive on the playground. If not, they will be known, well into their seventies, as “enema hose”. Some stupid names are just indicative of the fact that parents can’t spell. Regular, normal, good-old-fashioned names are misspelled in order to give the child “individuality”, or to cover up the fact tha... More About: The King , Last , King , Kings
Oh, Stop! That hurts!
More articles from this author:2007-03-03 12:50:06 Despite the headline might make you think, this article involves no Catholic priests. This is a true story. I heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend. It has to do with a blog reader who has an opinion on one of my blogs, and wants to me to know it, but won’t leave a comment. It got me to thinking about all of the people who don’t leave comments. For all of you who don’t write a blog, you should know that we all use “usage monitors” that let us know who is coming to our sites, and when. It doesn’t specifically identify you (because they don’t want us breaking into your homes and rummaging through your sock drawer) but it does show the IP addresses of visitors and, over time, you see the same ones again and again. The really expensive ones allow us to look back at you through your monitor to see if you’re blog surfing in the buff. Some of you are, and shouldn’t be. Some of the regulars leave messages, and you get ... More About: Hurt , Hat , Stop , That 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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