Letters I Wish I'd SentLetters I Wish I'd SentI won't lie to you. If there is a letter here that is addressed to you, you are a moron Articles
Why Nancy Pelosi was right to wear a hijab
2007-04-08 07:32:00 So, everyone has their knickers in a knot, because Nancy Pelosi wore a hijab in Syria. Feelings seem to vary between seeing her as having turned her back on feminism to her having “bowed down” before a foreign custom. One account that I read suggested that she should no more wear a hijab than bow ... More About: Hijab , Right , Elos
Bob For President-Day 4
2007-04-07 11:58:00 Being a presidential candidate is much more tiring than I thought it would be. Without an ever-present entourage of sycophantic toadies to guide me through the little things, like a campaign platform and foreign policy, I have had to muddle through on my own. I am the first to admit that formulating a path for this ... More About: President , Side , Resident
Bob For President-Day 3
2007-04-06 11:08:00 It has been pointed out to me that my campaign, as it stands right now, is missing one critical factor, that being a “sidekick” or “crony”. My understanding is that Giuliani already has one, in the form of an ex-Government official and partner who is currently under investigation, and is expected to be indicted for something ... More About: President , Side , Resident
Have a Nice Day Yourself, !&^%$#@!
2007-04-05 10:57:00 I think that I have given this issue enough time. I didn’t want to rush to judgment, but I have considered it carefully, and I have come to the conclusion that I hate emoticons. It might be because I hated the emoticon’s precursor, the Happy Face, in a way that is difficult to even put into ... More About: Yourself , Self , Your , Have , Nice
PETA Wanker Alert!
2007-04-05 06:27:00 Some of you may recall that I wrote a piece about PETA, about a lifetime ago, and that I turned it into a video rant which is in YouTube. As with most of the pieces that I produce, this one went unnoticed for quite some time. And then, suddenly, I was discovered by someone who ... More About: Alert , Wanker , Peta
Bob for President
2007-04-04 09:59:00 After years of bitching, whining and opining, I have decided that the time has come to put up or shut up. It is one thing to ridicule public figures and criticize politicians, and quite another to get down into the mud with them. As a result I am, today, announcing my candidacy for President of the ... More About: Side , Resident
Not the smartest pooch in the kennel
2007-04-03 10:29:00 I’m sure, by now, that everyone has heard of Elaine Larabie, the Ottawa woman who got sick, allegedly, by eating her dog’s tainted dog food. As the story goes, her dog refused to eat his Iams food and she, being helpful, decided to induce him to eat by pulling an old “Mommy and Baby” trick. “Look, ... More About: Smart , Arte , Mart , Test , Marte
5 to life for being a white guy behaving like a brown guy
2007-04-02 09:10:00 So, let me see if I have this straight: Hicks pleads guilty to offering aid and assistance to the enemy, and gets a vastly shortened sentence in exchange for agreeing to certain terms and conditions, specifically: He pleads guilty, and He agrees to state that the United States did not torture or otherwise mistreat him while he was at ... More About: Life , White , Brown , Bein , Like
Cheney planning to open up another front
2007-04-01 09:59:00 Normally, despite the fact that I am somewhat cranky, I manage to look at the stupidity that goes on in this world with a more than a little amusement. I try to make light of it. I try to make light of the morons, their moronic actions, and moronic situations that they create.But, today I ... More About: Other , Planning , Open , Cheney , Another
I want a detention!
2007-03-31 10:08:00 Once more (this time in South Carolina) folks are on a rampage because two female teachers had sex with teenaged male students. Finally, I have to weigh in on this issue, having once been a fourteen year old boy. I will not, in any way, suggest that these comments apply to the opposite gender. I ... More About: Want , Tent , Detention
An April Fool Prank Previewed for Regular Readers
2007-03-31 01:08:00 Today is a rare two-post day. Ze Grammar Fuhrer and I were sitting around recently, pondering how many drooling banjo-picking (substitute appropriate activities involving bag pipes, accordions or zithers, depending on your region) morons there are in the world. I think that the conversation (really!) stemmed from her frustration over some moron?s inability to master ?cut ... More About: Prank , Preview , Readers , April , Review
Fred Goldman is a hypocrite
2007-03-18 14:22:00 Let me start by saying that I am a little befuddled by a justice system that allows people to keep trying defendants until the desired result is achieved. It started, as nearly as I can tell, with the Rodney King case, where several police officers were acquitted in criminal court, only to be tried, convicted ... More About: Gold , Fred Goldman , Fred , Crit , Hypocrite
My Father Can Play Dominoes Better Than Your Father Can
2007-03-16 14:07:00 I had a tough time in Catholic School when I was a kid. I think you know what I’m talking about here. My parents ended up having to pull me out, and put me in public school, because I was so full of self-loathing, and my self-esteem was virtually gone.Going through puberty can be pretty ... More About: Play , Your , Better , Father , Bett
The Naked Ape-Part 2
2007-03-14 13:00:00 After I wrote “The N aked Ape -Revisited” I received the following comment from Deb: “You forgot to mention man is the ONLY being that separates geographically, skin colour etc. Neither dogs nor cockroaches are that stupid.” For once, I have to disagree with Deb. I think that man behaves exactlythe same way as these backwards critters, and that ... More About: Part
Mandarin Manners
2007-03-13 13:00:00 An astute reader brought to my attention the cultural battle that is, currently, being waged in Beijing. It is not the battle that you might expect, between Communism and Capitalism. No, it is the Holy War against hacking up phlegm and cutting ahead of people in line-ups, in anticipation of the Olympic Games. My extensive research ... More About: Mandarin , Mann , Anda , Anne , Manner
Jerks & Jack-Hammers
2007-03-12 14:12:00 The last couple of days have been spent putting in long hours on the renovations on the rental property. This weekend’s effort involved roughing in the new bathroom in the basement. We undertook this particular renovation for two reasons: In today’s insanely hot real estate market, it is a good investment, and It was the perfect opportunity ... More About: Jerk , Jack , Jerks , Hammer , Hammers
The Naked Ape?Re-visited
2007-03-09 12:56:02 Man is the most arrogant being in the Universe, and this sentence proves it. Given that the extent of man’s exploration of the Universe is our home planet, two acres on the moon and parts of New Jersey, it takes quite an ego to presume that, of all the sentient creatures that are, likely, floating around the cosmos, we are the best, the brightest, and the most arrogant. On a global level, because we’re not yet operating on a universal level or, even, a galactic level, we presume to distance ourselves from the co-habitants of our planet, by “civilizing” ourselves. Man, while arrogant, still has a little tiny inferiority complex, and I’m not referring to the one that manifests itself during the mating ritual. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, (see my letters to George Bush) man can not get past the idea that he is simply “different” from cats and dogs and cockroaches (in spite of the fact that the latter may be one of the most succes... More About: The Naked Ape , Site , The N , Visi , Visit
Bob the Builder
2007-03-08 00:54:03 The great thing about renovating is that any moron can do it, and they often do. Most guys believe that they are genetically hard-wired to renovate anything. Regrettably, most are simply hard-wired for watching renovation shows on TV. The net effect is that, for time immemorial, guys have told their wives “Don’t worry, this is easy. I’ll be done in half an hour”. To guys, half an hour is a relative term, sort of like “soon” is to a Mexican bus driver. And, everything is “easy”. Just as their ancestors had a tendency to say “Look, I’ll just move this one little rock, and there’ll be way more room for your wall paintings of cousin Jethro being eaten by something ending in “saur”", just before the cave collapsed, modern guys who have no idea what a “load-bearing wall” might be are just as likely to say “I’ll just move this one little wall….it’s not very thick…an... More About: Build , Builder
Bob the Builder
2007-03-07 15:37:00 The great thing about renovating is that any moron can do it, and they often do. Most guys believe that they are genetically hard-wired to renovate anything. Regrettably, most are simply hard-wired for watching renovation shows on TV. The net effect is that, for time immemorial, guys have told their wives “Don’t worry, this is easy. ... More About: Build , Builder
The Kings of Karmulastan
2007-03-07 00:53:02 I’ve noticed a disturbing trend, which appears to be increasing over the past few years, of parents giving their children stupid names. All of a sudden, Johnny & Billy and Susie & Ann seem to be on the verge of extinction, and are being replaced by tiny ankle-biters named LeBron & Lamakas and Noftalana & Kylannasuetwinkie. The range of new and ridiculous names is staggering. In my day, a dorky name was George, or Alfred, or Lloyd. Parents need to know that they don’t need to give their children stupid names. Their playmates will take care of that for them. If the kid is lucky, they will outgrow whatever horrible name they receive on the playground. If not, they will be known, well into their seventies, as “enema hose”. Some stupid names are just indicative of the fact that parents can’t spell. Regular, normal, good-old-fashioned names are misspelled in order to give the child “individuality”, or to cover up the fact tha... More About: The King , Last , King , Kings
God, the window washing chimney sweep
2007-03-07 00:53:02 Today I went through another episode with one of the evil door-knockers. Many years ago, I put up a sign that says “No solicitors, salesmen, or peddlers”. Personally, I think that this is a pretty straight forward and easily understandable sign, and is a little more polite than “Piss off and leave me alone”. I put the sign up because, at night, I really don’t want to trudge back and forth to the door a hundred times to deal with window washers, chimney sweeps or religious zealots in crisp white shirts. During the day I work out of my house and don’t really want to waste a whole bunch of my billable time with all the people who couldn’t reach me the previous evening. The sign hasn’t worked. The excuses that I have heard range from “But it’s for charity, you can’t mean us” to “But we’re not selling anything…we only want to talk about God ” to today’s “But it’s a totally ... More About: Wind , Wash , Indo , Window
Oh, Stop! That hurts!
2007-03-03 12:50:06 Despite the headline might make you think, this article involves no Catholic priests. This is a true story. I heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend. It has to do with a blog reader who has an opinion on one of my blogs, and wants to me to know it, but won’t leave a comment. It got me to thinking about all of the people who don’t leave comments. For all of you who don’t write a blog, you should know that we all use “usage monitors” that let us know who is coming to our sites, and when. It doesn’t specifically identify you (because they don’t want us breaking into your homes and rummaging through your sock drawer) but it does show the IP addresses of visitors and, over time, you see the same ones again and again. The really expensive ones allow us to look back at you through your monitor to see if you’re blog surfing in the buff. Some of you are, and shouldn’t be. Some of the regulars leave messages, and you get ... More About: Hurt , Hat , Stop , That
Tomorrow I will be sober, but you will still be ugly
2007-03-02 12:49:01 A lawsuit is being fought this week because a young Mormon girl, upon being teased about her religion, responded that the taunts were “so gay”, and was punished by her school by, among other things, having the incident recorded on her official school file. The premise behind the punishment seems to be that gay students may have heard the comment, and been hurt. There is no indication that there were, in fact, any gay students in the area at the time, which sort of reminds me of the “If a tree falls in the forest…” thing, but let’s leave that alone. I would suggest that, if the school prevails, we are all in for a cultural overhaul. Will I be able to describe some thing or action as being “lame”? Will I be able to use that term if there are no cripples around? Will I have to stop telling my brother-in-law to “Suck it up, buttercup” when his tendonitis flares up during a round of golf, even if he should suck it up? And wi... More About: Stil , Still , Tomorrow , Ugly
Welcome to Calgary, you idiot!
2007-03-02 12:49:01 The Calgary International Airport has just been renovated and expanded. Like most airports, they have tried to make it as attractive and inviting as an airport can be which, in my opinion, isn’t terribly attractive or inviting. But, now that it is completed, it stands as a monument to “A World That Hates Smokers”. On April 1, 2007, the Calgary Airport will become, mostly, completely non-smoking. Using the long-standing legal principal of “everyone else is doing it”, they have decided to ban smokers from the building, and force them to stand outside to smoke, as a measure to improve everyone’s health. Standing outside to smoke is not terribly inconvenient is you live in, say, Los Angeles or Miami. It is somewhat less convenient if you live in Inuvik, or Calgary, at least during the winter months. It is exceedingly inconvenient if you are in transit and relying on the scheduling expertise of companies such as Jet Blue, then realise that there is... More About: Welcome , Idiot , Come , Gary
Black Cowboys
2007-02-26 18:45:03 The US media is all abuzz because, once more, life has imitated art. In something reminiscent of an old James Earl Jones/Robert Duval movie, it turns out that Al Sharpton and Strom Thurmond are long-lost cousins. I am not amazed that the descendant of slaves who worked on the Thurmond plantation might be genetically linked to the descendants of the plantation owners. I’m amazed that anyone cares. Frankly, I’m baffled by the American obsession with slavery and the history of slaves over the intervening years, except as an intellectual exercise, and I’m intrigued by how the situation has played out in two countries that exist, side by side. Canada has lots of ex-slaves, too, but not because we were involved in the slave trade. Slavery was never legal here and, in fact, we took in many thousands of so-called “runaway” slaves and freedmen. Eastern Canada has had a significant black population for more than a hundred and fifty years, and 25% of the home... More About: Cowboys , Cowboy , Black , Boys , Lack
A Letter to Jerry Falwell
2007-02-26 00:44:02 I understand that you and your crew are having a little difficulty finding a presidential candidate who is “just right”. I don’t mean, of course, a candidate who is “just perfect”, but one who is “just right” as opposed to “just left” or “just moderate, maybe leaning a little towards the right”. There is no question but that your choices are limited. Rudy Guiliani has been married three times, and the word is that he may be a closet liberal, because he thinks women ought to have rights, and stuff like that. McCain has called your group intolerant and Mitt Romney, well, poor Mitt has a funny name, and he’s a Mormon, so he’s not a real Christian, at least not in the good old Southern Baptist tradition. What’s a good, old-fashioned king-making preacher to do? Where is that fundamental right-wing stalwart of good old-fashioned Amercian family values, like Jim Bakker, Ted Haggard or Jimmy Swaggart, to ... More About: Letter , Jerry Falwell , Jerry , Well , Falwell
Everyone?s A Critic
2007-02-25 12:44:01 Dear Wordpress, I just thought I’d drop you aline and let you know what I think of your new plug-ins. This morning, I was writing what I thought was a rather pithy letter to some Looney Tune morons at the NRA. Okay, it might have been a little weak, but it was, I think, well composed. It had a good set up, a strong proposition and, to my way of thinking, a damned good slap-upside-the-head finish. Really, I put a lot of time into it, and thought it was pretty good. As soon as I had finished, and had spell-checked and cleaned up a little formatting, I hit the “Publish” button which, apparently, is directly linked to your “critical analysis” plug-in. I haven’t read all of the documentation, so I’m not sure if it is “style” primary or “content” primary but, in either event, it simply didn’t like my post, and blasted it into oblivion, then re-directed me to a couple of sites on writing style and humor. Thank you ... More About: Ever , Everyone , Crit , Critic
CNN-The Voice of the Misogynist Right
2007-02-23 18:41:01 The wonderful thing about grammar is that, when you examine a question, the intent of the question is often proved by asking its’ opposite. For example, the opposite of “Have you eaten too much?” is “Have you eaten too little?”. Whether the answer is “I haven’t eaten enough”, “I have eaten enough” or “I have eaten too much”, it is undeniable that the purpose of the question is to determine the adequacy of the volume of food eaten, and not the appropriateness of eating at all. The question one might ask, in dealing with the latter proposition, would be “Should you eat that?” In short, although we don’t think about it much, the question that is asked determines the intent of the questioner. Which leads me to your headline today. You asked “Has hip hop gone too far in degrading women?” The opposite would be “Has hip hop gone far enough in degrading women?” Both questio... More About: Voice , Right , The V , VOIC
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum?..
2007-02-23 00:39:07 Just a quick note to anyone who hasn’t noticed the forum that has been added to the main site… I put the forum up as a better way for the regulars (and anyone else who cares to join!) who come here to interact, opine, fight etc. The problem with blog comments (especially when there is a new post every damned day!!) is that they get shuffled to the bottom and disappear, just when things are getting interesting. More than a few times, people have commented, people have answered and then….the post goes off to another page and people forget about it. It’s free to join. There is no advertising. You can make up any user name you want, and members can post just about any damned thing they want (including a link to their own site, if they want the link and don’t want to remain anonymous!) Please, give it a whirl! More About: Funny , Fun , Forum , The Way , Thing
Terrorism-Where Quality Just Isn?t Job 1
More articles from this author:2007-02-23 00:39:07 Is it just me, or does it strike anyone else that terrorists these days are, generally, not very good at what they do? I’m not just talking about your Osama Bin Laden types, although they clearly aren’t very good at their jobs. No, I’m also talking about our very own, home-grown terrorist types, the people right here in our own country who terrorize friends, neighbours, co-workers and fellow students. It is easy to understand the lack of talent displayed by suicide bombers. I mean, what are the chances that you are really going to recruit the best and brightest guys to blow themselves to smithereens? Add to that the fact that it is pretty hard for them to practice their trade before the big event, and your almost certain to get some slipshod work. Really, I sometimes think that it’s a miracle that they kill anyone at all. Your al Qaeda types don’t seem to be much better. Every time you turn around you hear about all these engineers and physicists th... More About: Terrorism , Terror , Just , Here , Error 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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