Letters I Wish I'd SentLetters I Wish I'd SentI won't lie to you. If there is a letter here that is addressed to you, you are a moron Articles
Welcome to Calgary, you idiot!
2007-03-02 12:49:01 The Calgary International Airport has just been renovated and expanded. Like most airports, they have tried to make it as attractive and inviting as an airport can be which, in my opinion, isn’t terribly attractive or inviting. But, now that it is completed, it stands as a monument to “A World That Hates Smokers”. On April 1, 2007, the Calgary Airport will become, mostly, completely non-smoking. Using the long-standing legal principal of “everyone else is doing it”, they have decided to ban smokers from the building, and force them to stand outside to smoke, as a measure to improve everyone’s health. Standing outside to smoke is not terribly inconvenient is you live in, say, Los Angeles or Miami. It is somewhat less convenient if you live in Inuvik, or Calgary, at least during the winter months. It is exceedingly inconvenient if you are in transit and relying on the scheduling expertise of companies such as Jet Blue, then realise that there is... More About: Welcome , Idiot , Come , Gary
Tomorrow I will be sober, but you will still be ugly
2007-03-02 12:49:01 A lawsuit is being fought this week because a young Mormon girl, upon being teased about her religion, responded that the taunts were “so gay”, and was punished by her school by, among other things, having the incident recorded on her official school file. The premise behind the punishment seems to be that gay students may have heard the comment, and been hurt. There is no indication that there were, in fact, any gay students in the area at the time, which sort of reminds me of the “If a tree falls in the forest…” thing, but let’s leave that alone. I would suggest that, if the school prevails, we are all in for a cultural overhaul. Will I be able to describe some thing or action as being “lame”? Will I be able to use that term if there are no cripples around? Will I have to stop telling my brother-in-law to “Suck it up, buttercup” when his tendonitis flares up during a round of golf, even if he should suck it up? And wi... More About: Stil , Still , Tomorrow , Ugly
Black Cowboys
2007-02-26 18:45:03 The US media is all abuzz because, once more, life has imitated art. In something reminiscent of an old James Earl Jones/Robert Duval movie, it turns out that Al Sharpton and Strom Thurmond are long-lost cousins. I am not amazed that the descendant of slaves who worked on the Thurmond plantation might be genetically linked to the descendants of the plantation owners. I’m amazed that anyone cares. Frankly, I’m baffled by the American obsession with slavery and the history of slaves over the intervening years, except as an intellectual exercise, and I’m intrigued by how the situation has played out in two countries that exist, side by side. Canada has lots of ex-slaves, too, but not because we were involved in the slave trade. Slavery was never legal here and, in fact, we took in many thousands of so-called “runaway” slaves and freedmen. Eastern Canada has had a significant black population for more than a hundred and fifty years, and 25% of the home... More About: Cowboys , Cowboy , Black , Boys , Lack
A Letter to Jerry Falwell
2007-02-26 00:44:02 I understand that you and your crew are having a little difficulty finding a presidential candidate who is “just right”. I don’t mean, of course, a candidate who is “just perfect”, but one who is “just right” as opposed to “just left” or “just moderate, maybe leaning a little towards the right”. There is no question but that your choices are limited. Rudy Guiliani has been married three times, and the word is that he may be a closet liberal, because he thinks women ought to have rights, and stuff like that. McCain has called your group intolerant and Mitt Romney, well, poor Mitt has a funny name, and he’s a Mormon, so he’s not a real Christian, at least not in the good old Southern Baptist tradition. What’s a good, old-fashioned king-making preacher to do? Where is that fundamental right-wing stalwart of good old-fashioned Amercian family values, like Jim Bakker, Ted Haggard or Jimmy Swaggart, to ... More About: Letter , Jerry Falwell , Jerry , Well , Falwell
Everyone?s A Critic
2007-02-25 12:44:01 Dear Wordpress, I just thought I’d drop you aline and let you know what I think of your new plug-ins. This morning, I was writing what I thought was a rather pithy letter to some Looney Tune morons at the NRA. Okay, it might have been a little weak, but it was, I think, well composed. It had a good set up, a strong proposition and, to my way of thinking, a damned good slap-upside-the-head finish. Really, I put a lot of time into it, and thought it was pretty good. As soon as I had finished, and had spell-checked and cleaned up a little formatting, I hit the “Publish” button which, apparently, is directly linked to your “critical analysis” plug-in. I haven’t read all of the documentation, so I’m not sure if it is “style” primary or “content” primary but, in either event, it simply didn’t like my post, and blasted it into oblivion, then re-directed me to a couple of sites on writing style and humor. Thank you ... More About: Ever , Everyone , Crit , Critic
CNN-The Voice of the Misogynist Right
2007-02-23 18:41:01 The wonderful thing about grammar is that, when you examine a question, the intent of the question is often proved by asking its’ opposite. For example, the opposite of “Have you eaten too much?” is “Have you eaten too little?”. Whether the answer is “I haven’t eaten enough”, “I have eaten enough” or “I have eaten too much”, it is undeniable that the purpose of the question is to determine the adequacy of the volume of food eaten, and not the appropriateness of eating at all. The question one might ask, in dealing with the latter proposition, would be “Should you eat that?” In short, although we don’t think about it much, the question that is asked determines the intent of the questioner. Which leads me to your headline today. You asked “Has hip hop gone too far in degrading women?” The opposite would be “Has hip hop gone far enough in degrading women?” Both questio... More About: Voice , Right , The V , VOIC
A funny thing happened on the way to the forum?..
2007-02-23 00:39:07 Just a quick note to anyone who hasn’t noticed the forum that has been added to the main site… I put the forum up as a better way for the regulars (and anyone else who cares to join!) who come here to interact, opine, fight etc. The problem with blog comments (especially when there is a new post every damned day!!) is that they get shuffled to the bottom and disappear, just when things are getting interesting. More than a few times, people have commented, people have answered and then….the post goes off to another page and people forget about it. It’s free to join. There is no advertising. You can make up any user name you want, and members can post just about any damned thing they want (including a link to their own site, if they want the link and don’t want to remain anonymous!) Please, give it a whirl! More About: Funny , Fun , Forum , The Way , Thing
Terrorism-Where Quality Just Isn?t Job 1
2007-02-23 00:39:07 Is it just me, or does it strike anyone else that terrorists these days are, generally, not very good at what they do? I’m not just talking about your Osama Bin Laden types, although they clearly aren’t very good at their jobs. No, I’m also talking about our very own, home-grown terrorist types, the people right here in our own country who terrorize friends, neighbours, co-workers and fellow students. It is easy to understand the lack of talent displayed by suicide bombers. I mean, what are the chances that you are really going to recruit the best and brightest guys to blow themselves to smithereens? Add to that the fact that it is pretty hard for them to practice their trade before the big event, and your almost certain to get some slipshod work. Really, I sometimes think that it’s a miracle that they kill anyone at all. Your al Qaeda types don’t seem to be much better. Every time you turn around you hear about all these engineers and physicists th... More About: Terrorism , Terror , Just , Here , Error
I did not father Anna Nicole?s child
2007-02-22 12:38:04 I won’t lie. I considered throwing my name into the ring as the potential father of Anna Nicole ’s daughter. There are those who would consider it a crass and craven attempt to get my hands on the hundreds of millions that the child stood to inherit, as a result of Anna Nicole’s lawsuit against her deceased husband’s estate. The simple fact, though, is that it had to do with bragging rights. Let’s face it, as a guy there is a certain patina to having had sex with an internationally acclaimed….person who has sex. My picture in National Enquirer would, no doubt, have lead any number of people to think, “He must have something going for him, cause it ain’t looks.” Women would wonder. Men would be in awe. Then Zza Zza’s husband had to go and ruin it all. I mean, who really wants to be the guy who was replaced by an octagenarian playboy? The awe factor would have gone way down. To top it off, Anna Nicole forgot to change h... More About: Cole , Child , Father
Morons, Misc.
2007-02-20 18:35:10 I have always thought of potential suicides as coming in two “flavours”; the ones who are crying out for help, and the ones who really mean it. As a result of these two approaches, one sees many different techniques employed by suicides. The ones who really mean it use a variety of techniques, far too grisly to recount here, involving everything from shotguns to cars and cliffs. They mean it. They intend to take their lives, and they’re not leaving anything to chance. People seeking help will often, subconsciously, ensure that they are not going to die because of their efforts, choosing to end their days by overdosing on children’s Tylenol or by throwing themselves out a ground floor window. These people don’t want to kill themselves, but they are screaming out for help with their emotional problems. Obviously, then, these two groups create statistical sets that we refer to as “successful” suicides and “unsuccessful” suicides... More About: Misc , Morons
News Flash!
2007-02-20 00:33:02 The FDA reports that a number of online pharmacies have inadvertently shipped the wrong medications to customers. According to sources, some patients who had ordered anti-depressants and Ambien, a sleep aid, received powerful anti-psychotic drugs instead, resulting in a rash of visits to Emergency Wards with complaints that the patients were unable to sleep, and unhappy about their lucidity. Another group, who apparently received their Ambien, but also received Viagra instead of the requested anti-depressants, complained that while they fell asleep right away, they were up all night. A group of college students in Seattle, who received a large plastic bag of random mind-altering psychiatric drugs that they hadn’t even ordered were too busy squashing the spiders to comment, but seemed to have no complaints, beyond the usual enquiries into how to stop room-mates from morphing into werewolves. More About: News , Flash , Lash
Just a quick note?..
2007-02-19 12:32:02 No, there was no post today. I spent the day working on some changes (the final ones, I hope, except for content updates) at Rotten Robert. When next you go there (soon, I hope!) you will see that I have added a community forum, as well as the jokes and the Inappropriate Greetings. Since this site is supposed to be all about humour, I wanted to create a space where people could easily put up links to funny sites that they have found, and have a place to interact without the constraints of blog comments. So please stop by, leave a comment, start a fight, finish a fight…..whatever seems appropriate within the bounds of common decency. I look forward to hearing from you. PS-check out the arcade games. I thought Donkey Kong was dead! More About: Note , Just , Quick
Cast the first stone?
2007-02-17 18:30:02 I just read another news article about a jury recommending the death sentence in a double murder case in California. It is noteworthy that the story comes out of California because, it strikes me, that it is pretty easy to recommend the death sentence in that state, since they don’t seem to ever actually kill anyone. California, it seems, has a largely symbolic death sentence. Other states, though, seem to be pretty big on sentencing people to death and then actually killing them. Texas, for example, kills lots of people. Other southern states kill fewer people but, I suspect, that is because they have smaller populations. On a per capita basis, they probably kill as many, or more, than Texas. Some states see the death sentence as a deterrent to crime, and are contemplating introducing it as a way of cutting down on serial parking offences. I’m not going to wade into the moral morass of whether or not the death penalty is appropriate. It is a complex subject, best a... More About: Stone , Cast , First , Tone
Terminal Terminators
2007-02-17 00:29:05 I read the obituaries every day. I know that it sounds ghoulish, but I do it. A couple of months ago my name was in there, but they put another guy’s picture next to it, so it all worked out okay…at least, for me. Every single day there is an obit for someone who fought a brave fight against cancer, or waged a heroic battle against leukemia and, regrettably, it got me thinking. There’s no question that you folks are brave. Even if you go, whimpering and crying, into the void, it takes some guts just to stay in the battle. What I need to know is why more of you don’t decide to go out in some truly epic and heroic way. I’m not talking about the “I’m going to fight this bastard to the bitter end” kind of heroism, but the “Magnficent Seven, Lone Ranger, Dirty Dozen” kind of heroism. The final “I’m dying and I’m not happy about it and somebody’s goin’ to pay” kind of epic final quest for... More About: Terminal , Nato , Terminator , Term , Mina
Kick Me!
2007-02-16 12:28:02 The Scooter Libby trial is almost over, and I think I understand it now. Scooter is alleged to have told some reporters that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent, which is almost against the law. I say “almost” against the law because it would only be “really” against the law if she was both working covertly, and the person handing out the informantion knew that she was acting covertly. About 812 people in Washington were telling reporters this, including guys like Karl Rove, who assured his bosses and the public that he hadn’t. My sense of things is that Scooter Libby comes across a bit like a geek in junior high school. By the time he is alleged to have told these reporters about Plame, they’d already heard all about it from the cooler kids, none of whom have been charged with anything, and some of whom have been given immunity, in exchange for taping a “kick me” sign on Scooter’s butt. Their boss, George Bush, promised that if he ... More About: Kick
Yeah, who?
2007-02-14 18:25:07 I now have your Instant Messenger product. It sits there on my system tray and makes smiley faces at me. Honestly, I think I saw it wink at me a couple of minutes ago. It has a ton of buttons on it, when I take time to open the window that it lives in. Some of the buttons will show a little prompt when I hover my mouse over them, but most of them don’t. With a little research, I suppose one might figure out what they all mean. It occurred to me, however, that this would be a colossal waste of my time. It didn’t really sink in, until after I had downloaded it, along with a bunch of other things that you said I really, really need, that I don’t actually know anyone who has Yahoo Instant Messenger. As a result, I don’t really have anyone to talk to. It isn’t like there hasn’t been technology around for my entire lifetime. I’m not a complete fossil. It’s just that the technology that I grew up with was a whole lot simpler. Hypoth... More About: Yeah
The Federal Bureau of I Know I Put It Somewhere
2007-02-14 06:24:01 I’ll admit it. Every once in a while, I misplace my wallet, or my keys. They’re small, and there are so many legitimate places that I may have set them down. I can honestly say that I have never lost a laptop, or a handgun. They are too big, and there are only so many places to put them. A handgun, for instance, goes from a locked box to a holster, and back to a lock-box, deviating from that routine, very rarely, to shoot someone or participate in a drinking game. Even if I managed to lose my laptop, I can tell you (at least in broad terms) what was on it. I might not want to, but I could. Really, I don’t think I would have a lot of difficulty coming up with “You know, some letters, a little smut and, oh yeah, some highly classified secret government documents.” How can an FBI agent, a highly-trained investigator, get up on the stand and testify (in excruciating detail) about a conversation he had with a bad guy in a case that he investigated four... More About: Know , Here , Al B , Where , The Fed
A Guide to Better Killing
2007-02-12 18:22:01 I understand that you are in the process of re-writing your 100 page “Guid e To How to Properly Kill Them Folks That Went And Pissed Off The Great State Of Tennessee.” Something about some inconsistencies between the Book and current practices, which have moved on from strapping the soon-to-be decedent into old Sparky and running about a gazillion volts of electricity through him, to injecting drain cleaner into his arm. Personally, I don’t think the re-write is necessary. People have pointed to those items that they think are inappropriate, such as the directive to shave the prisoners head before injecting him, or the desirability of having a fire extinguisher on hand. With respect to the former, I think that a bad haircut lets him know, before you whack him, just how angry you really are. And, if he miraculously survives, think of how the other prisoners will mock him! As for the fire extinguisher, one never knows when one is going to encounter a serious case... More About: Better , Bett
I?ll Mess With Texas If I Feel Like It
2007-02-12 18:22:01 I don’t know what you get for winters in Texas , and I don’t much care. You’re in Calgary now, Jethro, and there are a couple of things you need to know. Firstly, that shiny stuff on the road, between the mounds of snow that the blizzard is piling up? That’s glare icy. It has a drag factor of zero. That means it’s about as slippery as goose guts on a doorknob. It also means that your shiny new Jaguar has about as much chance of stopping as a crappy old Pinto. When, in a whiteout with glare ice on the road, I leave a significant gap between me and the car ahead. I do so that I will be able to stop or steer around the moron when he loses it on the ice. I know we have a reputation for being polite, but you may rest assured that I was not saving a spot especially for you. I drive a truck. Cut me off again and I’ll give you a little quarter panel poke that will leave you, your Jag, your Texas plate and your damned “Don’t Mess With ... More About: Like , Feel
Chatting With Snack Food
2007-02-11 00:19:04 I noticed something disturbing while eating breakfast this morning. There, quite clearly written on the lid of my fresh jar of Cheez Whiz (hey, I don?t criticize your choice of breakfast foods, do I?), was an indication that Cheez Whiz would give my nachos personality. Let?s get something straight. I don?t mind my food having attitude, but I don?t want it to have personality. Not even my nachos. I want them to lie on the plate looking, well, dead. The last thing I want is to have my snacks looking up at me saying ?Hey, Gringo! Toss a little more salsa on me, I?m feeling cold. And how about a little sour cream before you pop me in your mouth, crunch me into little bits and leave my poor Mama grieving for her little Taquito? Hey, where?s Luisa? Did you eat my leetle sister, you dirty bastard?? Okay, that has happened, once before, but it was clearly the effects of the mescal, not Cheez Whiz. And, I didn?t like it one bit. It?s a short step from giving your nachos some person... More About: Chat , Food , With , Hat , Snack
Quit Your Damned Whining
2007-02-10 12:18:01 I saw you protesting outside the legislature today. Demanding that the provincial government lower tuition costs and make post-secondary education accessible and affordable. You’re scholars, so answer this question for me. Who gave you the idea that you have a right to post-secondary education? Who told you that it should be cheap enough that you can engage in a four year course in underwater basket weaving while you avoid working for a living, drink copious quantities of beer on the allowance that Mommy and Daddy give you, and ponder what you might want to be when you are finally forced to leave school? Not long ago, I asked a University student what they were taking. The answer was “business”. My next question was “What kind of business?” The answer was a shrug and “Just business”. I define that as a waste of a seat in a classroom. My feeling is that if that individual spent a little time learning how to play the Irish banjo (which, ... More About: Your , Quit , Damn
Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!
2007-02-08 18:15:02 You have put Ted Haggard through three weeks of intensive counselling, and he has come out the other side convinced that he is “fully heterosexual”. I’ve got some bad news for all four of you “counsellors”. Ted was having sex with a man, and it wasn’t because some big mean cell mate named Bubba wanted to make him his wife. It was because he wanted to. And, no matter what you may think, that does not make him heterosexual. What I don’t understand, is why you feel that you have to show that your period of intense counseling has, miraculously, turned Ted “normal”. I mean, he has resigned, and he’s leaving town. He won’t be part of your church, so what’s the value in making a big deal out of his sexuality now? Do you think that it will convince your congregation, who might be confused about their own sexuality, that you can “cast the demons out” and return them to the path of God, goodness and miss... More About: Satan , Behind
Dry-docked and drunk
2007-02-08 00:14:01 So, now you are offering cruises for “guys”. At the risk of offending anyone, these cruises may be for guys, but they weren’t created by guys. No guy would organize a cruise that involves watching a grey whale from a Zodiac, “kayaking in pristine waters” or, God forbid, enjoying sunset beach barbeques with other guys! Sunset tequila drinking contests, maybe. But, barbeques? I think not. You thought you had us with the Royal Clipper pirate cruise. But then you had to bring Captain Jack Sparrow into it and, I assure you, you lost us there. No guy that I know wants to spend two weeks on a boat with a bunch of other guys pretending to be lead by a pirate that Johnny Depp admits was his imitation of a gay Keth Richards. Guys don’t want to learn how to set a sail, they want to learn how to keel-haul a shipmate. And they’re not going up into the crow’s nest unless it involves putting their knife through a sail and riding the ragged gas... More About: Drunk , Dock
One Lucky Gmail Account!
2007-02-07 12:13:02 Dear Mou Xinsheng, Thank you for your lovely email, offering me a chance to make a ton of money simply by responding to your email, and undertaking a small financial transaction on your behalf. Regrettably, I must decline. I truly sympathize with the fact that you “status” does not permit you to conclude this transaction alone. I suspect that this is because your current status is “inmate”, or “defendant”, at the very least. As I pointed out to Mr. Robert Gooch, who wrote to me from a bellsouth address just two weeks ago to inform me that I had won the National Lottery in the UK, (without even buying a ticket), I cannot believe how my luck has improved since my email address started appearing on websites a couple of months ago. I said very much the same thing to the nice man from Nigeria, after consoling him (of course) on the recent loss of his dear uncle. As I remarked at the time, it is amazing to me that I got such a lucky Gmail address. M... More About: Mail , Count , Lucky , Account
Into the kitchen, June!
2007-02-05 18:10:02 You wrote an article entitled Girls Gone Bad that, in my mind, indicates that feminism and the battle for equality has been well and truly lost. In it, you question whether or not the antics of the Paris Hiltons, Brittany Spears and Lindsay Lohans of the world are an indication that we are raising a generation of “prosti-tots”. It is even accompanied by a photo array of other “Girls behaving badly” from years gone by, which highlights the behaviour of such notorious sluts as Wallis-Simpson (broke up a marriage) and Ingrid Bergman (left her husband and daughter for another man). What really amazed me was that this article was written by a woman. Are you bothered by the fact that these young ladies have been known, from time to time, to go commando? If so, where is your outrage at all the men who, sans briefs, carefully tuck Jimmy and the twins into an inappropriately tight pair of jeans in order to display their wares? Is it that they celebrate their sex... More About: Kitchen , June , Chen
Climate Change Research at the Waffle House
2007-02-05 06:09:02 Your recent UN meeting on climate change might as well have been held at the International House of Waffles. The summary report that you have produced is a disturbing one. “The Shining” was also disturbing, but may have had about as much basis in fact as your report on global warming. At least Stephen King acknowledged that it was a work of fiction. I’m not quite sure what we are to take from a report that says that is “very likely” that mankind has “aggravated” the global warming issue. That seems like a pretty bland pronouncement, given that nearly 4,000 experts worked on it. Some, such as Ross McKitrick, from the University of Guelph, don’t seem to agree with your assessment. Nonetheless, the summary report has been disseminated as a document of “fact” that is supposed to guide governments ( and spending) over the next few years. I’m not saying that McKitrick is right, only that he disagrees with the summary r... More About: Research , Climate Change , Climate , Change
Our Father, Who Art In Prison?.
2007-02-05 06:09:02 You and all your cardinals, hunkered down behind the walls of the Vatican, can breathe a sigh of relief today. It seems that all of your efforts to reform the clergy are starting to pay dividends. Much of the negativity that you have had to endure over the past few years over the behaviour of priests with young boys should start to fade into the past. After all, it has been at least three months since the Mark Foley thing, and there haven’t been any new public outcries about priests playing with little boys. In corporate terms, that would seem to make it a vey good quarter, indeed. Looking forward, you are going to have to deal with another sexual abuse and attempted-murder case, but at least this was a heterosexual attack, and the alleged victim, this time, was old enough to have children of her own. After all that the church has been through, this has to be seen as some kind of improvement and, one hopes, the start of a tend away from the homosexual rape of little boys an... More About: Prison , Father , Riso , Our Father , Fath
Curious George & The Iranian Nuclear Threat
More articles from this author:2007-02-05 06:09:02 I hate to bother you at a time like this, when you’re busy trying to negotiate with Congress and the Senate, run the free world, whether it likes it or not, and try to remember if you actually know the man in the yellow hat, or if the illustrator just put him in later, but this is pretty important. Some of your retired Generals and Admirals, along with just about every sane person on the planet wants to impress upon you how important it is not to invade Iran . Everyone’s talking about negotiating, and bi-lateral meetings and other diplomatic stuff, but I have a suggestion. Let’s bear in mind that I’m no diplomat, but I think what I’m about to say might make some sense, if you take the time to think about it. Iran says that they are trying to develop nuclear facilities to make electricity, but you say it just ain’t so. Iran wants you to leave them alone and you, well, you want to blow their asses to hell and back. Iran could be lying but, on the ... More About: Nuclear , Curious , George , Clear 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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