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Despite Conventional Wisdom, Daredevil Has Itty Bitty Raisin Balls
2007-05-24 16:39:00
(Fresno, CA) NO ONE OUT DARES HANK McAFEE, NO ONE! That’s how the business card for the world class daredevil reads. And his resume, including such stunts as jumping a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon with one hand tied behind his back, wrestling a Great White shark while blindfolded and banging Paris Hilton without a condom, speaks to that. But what the business card and resume don’t speak to, is that despite all the myths and conventional wisdom attributed to a daredevil, Hank McAfee has little itty bitty raisin balls.
More About: Raisin , Balls , Wisdom , Ball , Vent

Another Celebrity Has Another Baby
2007-05-22 18:46:00
"It's like a miracle. An absolute miracle!" Marcia Cross of ABC's Desperate Housewives gushed exclusively to The Lost News, People Magazine, Star and The National Enquirer about the birth of her twins. "No one else in the world has ever had a baby!"The twin girls were born two minutes apart, in a trying half hour C-section labor, which Marcia described as "grueling" for her doctor.
More About: Baby , Celebrity

Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) “The Islam Thing Has Been Great, But I Was Expe
2007-05-01 16:46:00
(New York, NY) Yusuf Islam , formerly known as the pop singer Cat Steven s, was in New York last week continuing to promote his new album An Other Cup, his first pop album since 1978. During an impromptu concert/press conference, Islam answered a few questions about his life for the 100, mostly menopausal, female fans.
More About: Great , Yusuf Islam , Thing

Guys, I've Got Some Great Ideas For Naked Gun 44 1/4
2007-04-25 03:27:00
This is a letter sent to Jerry and David Zucker, the makers of Police Squad and The Naked Gun, The Naked Gun 2 1/2 and The Naked Gun 33 1/3...dated, January 1, 2001 Happy New Year Zucker clan! It's a new century, a new era and a time for rebirth. Which means I'm ready to get back to work! I haven't heard from you in a while. (the second half of the 90's was just nuts for me) I didn't know if I had done anything to make you mad, so I thought that I would extend the olive branch. So how are you guys? First let me say, Jerry I saw FIRST KNIGHT and let me say powerful man, powerful. No wonder the whites have been in power so long. ZING! That was a Juice Joke, not the powerful comment about FIRST KNIGHT but about whites being in power. I'm thinking about trying stand-up comedy, because thanks to you guys, I know I'm funn...
More About: Ideas , Great , Guys , Great Idea , Some

For One Fleeting Moment, Journey Tribute Band Singer Thinks He Might Be A F
2007-04-17 16:56:00
(Long Beach, CA) Joe Albany a.k.a. “Little Steve Perry� has a fun life. He belts out Journey tunes at the local bars four nights a week with his band Separate Ways and enjoys the charms of many 40 to 50 year-old female fans, who like him because he looks and sounds like a smaller Steve Perry. But a week ago, it almost came crashing down, when Joe was brushing his teeth. While switching from the molars to the canines, he caught his own reflection in the mirror. And for just a split second, a mere whisper, a fleeting moment, Joe thought that he might be a fraud.
More About: Band , Moment , Singer , Bute

Immigrants With HIV, A-Cups Or A High Debt To Asset Ratio Not Welcome
2007-04-16 17:17:00
(Sydney, Australia) In an op-ed printed in Friday's edition of The Australian, the Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard, laid out his new immigration policies.
More About: Rant , Debt , Grants , Come , High

Rape Joke Told, Too Soon
2007-04-15 03:02:00
(Los Angeles, CA) To a comedian, the joke is key, but the laugh is everything. The stakes are high. Getting that laugh could mean life or death to a career. So when a joke bombs it hurts, hurts bad. Veteran comedian Jack Carter felt that pain last week; when seconds after finding out that his 20 year-old daughter, Melissa, had been raped, his joke about that rape went over like a lead zeppelin. "And not because it was a bad joke," says a now ostracized Jack "But because I told it too soon."Jack explains that in the Woody Allen film CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS, Alan Alda plays a successful writer who describes comedy as 'tragedy plus time'. "And the tragedy of that day was that I forgot that rule," says Jack "Oh, and that my daughter got raped."That horrible night Melissa was at a pool party, when her new boyfriend Charlie, took things way too far. After fighting Charlie off, Melissa went home and told her parents what had happened. Jack's first...
More About: Joke , Rape , Told

After Ford's Death, Chevy Chase Has Hard Time Finding The Funny
2007-04-15 02:57:00
(Beverly Hills, CA) It's been almost two weeks since President Gerald Ford died. Though he had been out of office for almost 30 years, many people took his death hard. But our sources say that none took it harder than former SNL cast member and funnyman Chevy Chase . In fact, and this may come as a surprise to most people, but since Ford's death Chase has been having a hard time being funny."Uh, I'm not surprised at all," said film critic Richard Roeper "Chevy hasn't done anything funny since Christmas Vacation in 1989.""I'm sorry, but I'm sick of people saying Chevy hasn't been funny in almost 20 years," fumed Buddy Hendricks, Chase's number one fan "Has anyone seen a little film named Man Of The House?...You haven't? Well you're missing out my friend."Chase's publicist/agent George Harper told us that Chevy is still capable of being funny, some day. The big problem, he said, is that Chevy isn't being sent funny material. Ever sinc...
More About: Funny , Time , Find , Hard

After Captain America's Death, Captain Chaos Fills Void
2007-04-15 02:55:00
(Burbank, CA) Last week superhero and super American Captain America was gunned down in front of a courthouse. His death has left many to think with only a hundred or so superheroes left in the United States, who will step in to fill his particular hero niche? The answer: Dun dun DUNNNN!!... Captain Chaos !, as played by veteran comic actor and all around jolly fellow, Dom DeLuise."Dom DeLuise? I don't know a Dom DeLuise," said Captain Chaos while striking a pose for a camera that wasn't there "I only know Captain Chaos, protector of the innocent and seducer of the attractive!"Captain Chaos promises to pick up where Captain America left off before he was gunned down. "But after lunch of course," said Chaos "What does everyone think of Italian? Doesn't a nice plate of spaghetti sound good?"Not to Marvel Comics. In fact they are putting as much distance between themselves and Captain Chaos as they can. "Captain Chaos is not the replacemen...
More About: Death , Fill , After

Trouble In Hollywood As Blades Of Glory Tanks In The Sudan
2007-04-12 19:30:00
(Holly wood , CA) Super hot comedian Will Ferrell's box office dominance has hit a big melting iceberg. While his latest blockbuster Blades Of Glory has scorched the American and European theaters, it has failed to catch fire in the African nation of Sudan .
More About: Tank , Wood

NBC's Chris Hansen Walks Into Donut Shop And 10 People Die
2007-04-12 19:30:00
(Shreveport, LA) Last Friday night tragedy struck the city of Shreveport, Louisiana, when Chris Hansen, host of NBC's To Catch A Predator, walked into a donut shop to buy a baker's dozen for his crew; and 10 people, including the shop owner, shot themselves.
More About: People , Shop , Walk , Walks

Man Gets Nose Enlargement To Succeed In Hollywood
2007-04-10 19:15:00
(Holly wood , CA) When John Harrison grew up outside of Lincoln, Nebraska, he had one dream: to be a big time producer in show business. He read a hundred books about producing, a truckload of scripts and studied film at the University of Nebraska before moving out to Hollywood.
More About: Men , Wood , Nose

8-Year-Old Goes On Al Sharpton's Radio Show To Confront Remarks He'll Make
2007-04-10 19:14:00
(New York, NY) Little Jimmy Whitiker is just like every other fun loving 8-year-old boy. He loves his video games, baseball and dog Spot. But what Jimmy doesn't like are African Americans.
More About: Radio , How To , Show , Al Sharpton , Sharp

Movie Extra Reveals Will Ferrell, "Down To Earth Guy"
2007-04-08 01:34:00
(Chicago, IL) Chicago actor Doug Malone still reveals to anyone who will listen that working with comedian Will Ferrell on the film Stranger Than Fiction was a great experience due to the funnyman's "down-to-earth, just one of the guys" nature."Will is one of those people who makes everyone feel at ease, you know?" Doug gushed to fellow Xerox sales representative Barb as she shut the door to her office, "He's just such a professional, I mean, really! You couldn't ask for a better scene partner; so supportive."The much talked about, only by Doug, scene featured Will Ferrell and indie-darling Maggie Gyllenhaal on a Chicago public bus, discussing her impending audit by Ferrell's character Harold Crick. Doug, seated 7 rows behind Ferrell next to a Chinese guy and an old woman, is barely noticeable by anyone other than Doug."The scene was intense," Doug explained while following to his boss Brian into the men's room, "And Will was such a ...
More About: Movie , Earth , Down

Woman Seeks to Point Out That Angelina Jolie is Nothing Special, Really
2007-04-08 01:32:00
(Muncie, IN) Tiffany Allen just wants to point out to everyone "Angelina Jolie 's lips are physically too big for her face....I'm not lying." A fact she repeatedly stated during a recent viewing of the movie Mr. And Mrs. Smith with her boyfriend, Todd James.After he selected the Mr. And Mrs. Smith DVD from the shelf at Blockbuster, Tiffany jumped to point out to Todd that the cover of the movie had been "obviously airbrushed, because no one's legs actually look like that." Todd, who asked three times if his movie selection was okay, felt obligated to then say that Tiffany's legs looked "great" and that "that Mystic Tan is really working.""Angelina Jolie can afford to have special trainers that you can't get at regular gyms," Tiffany stated as she picked up some Extra Butter, Extra Salt Popcorn to snack on, "I mean, having a ton of money will get you that body, if you know what I mean". Todd didn't know what she meant, ...
More About: Woman , Special , Oman , Nothing

Is There No Such Thing As Family Entertainment Anymore?
2007-04-06 17:31:00
Ladies and gentleman, our beloved culture is in serious trouble. And the danger does not come from the great Prussian Empire, the Ottomans, the Mexicans or the Russian Czar. It comes from within.
More About: Family , Entertainment , Men , Here , More

CSI Fan "Pretty Sure" He Could Solve Crime
2007-04-05 19:42:00
(Chicago, IL) Avid CSI: Crime Scene Investigation fan Walter Stevens announced to his fiancee, Erica, after an episode of the popular CBS drama that he was "pretty sure" he could do the job of a crime scene investigator, as it didn't look "that hard".
More About: Pretty , Sure , Rime

Hillary Finally Gets Her F*ck You Money
2007-04-04 17:20:00
(Washington D.C.) In the first three months of 2007, Senator Hillary Clinton out earned every male Presidential candidate by 3 million dollars with a grand total of 26 million.
More About: Money , Final , Finally , Gets

Australia Goes "Lights Out" To Combat Global Warming And Let Their Ugly Get
2007-04-03 16:39:00
(Sydney, Australia ) Saturday night, the city of Sydney turned off most of their non-essential lights for one hour in an effort to raise the awareness of global warming and to let their truly ugly citizens get some.
More About: Global Warming , War , Global , Light

Book Written By Dog, Not That Good
2007-03-30 20:51:00
(Trenton, NJ) A new book titled WHAT'S OUT THERE? is causing quite a stir. And not because of its content, but because of its author, a 5 year-old black lab/beagle named Bix. Yes he's a dog, and he can write. But can he?
More About: Book , Hat , Good , That , Written

Self-Proclaimed Human Torch Becomes Human Ashtray
2007-03-29 19:18:00
(Willowsberg, LA) While celebrating his birthday this past Saturday night, local pizza delivery man John E. Storme, 23, the self-proclaimed Human Torch became a Human Ashtray.
More About: Self , Come , Proc , Uman

Woman At Orgy: Why Am I Talking?
2007-03-28 20:51:00
(Malibu, CA) A few months ago at the Eros Club's monthly orgy things got weird, when orgy veteran Gloria W. asked, "Why am I talking? Why isn't there a shaft in my mouth? Seriously, why am I talking?"
More About: Talk , Woman , Oman , Talking , King

Rove Announces That Congress Can Suck It...But Not Swallow
2007-03-27 20:08:00
(Washington D.C.) In the fallout of the 8 U.S. Attorneys fired by the Justice Department Congress wants answers. And they want them from White House consiglieri Karl Rove.
More About: Hat , Wall , Suck , That

U.N. Security Council Tells Ahmadinejad, "Now You Can't Wear A Tie!"
2007-03-27 20:07:00
(New York, NY) Last week the United Nations Security Council unanimously voted to ratchet up the sanctions against Iran for refusing to stop enriching uranium.
More About: Dine , Wear , Security Council

Town Elder Says "That Chinaman's Ok"
2007-03-23 20:24:00
(Pretoria, TX) Town elder, Thomas "The Bulldog" Cunningham, loves his home in the small east Texas town of Pretoria. He loves the hot weather in the summer. He loves the high school football games in the fall, and the other day over a cup of coffee at the local non-corporate coffee house, Kimmy's Koffey Klubhouse, he told his buddies that newcomer Phillip Kim was a good guy. "You know what, that China man's OK."
More About: Hat , That

Global Warming Rears Its Head As Man Gets 'Rusty Trombone' For Bottle Of Wa
2007-03-22 21:30:00
(Majuro, Marshall Islands) The Marshall Islands, located in the Western Pacific Ocean, are on their way to becoming a popular tourist destination. And for one North Dakota man, the small island nation is his vacation spot of choice.
More About: Global Warming , War , Global , Gets , Head

U.S. Post Office To Issue 'Forever Stamps' Featuring The Führer
2007-03-22 21:29:00
(Washington D.C.) The United States Post Office issued a statement Monday saying that the price of first class stamps was going to go up from 39 cents to 41 cents. But in addition to the price hike, the Post Office stated that they were going to issue 'Forever Stamp s',
More About: Ring

To Win War On Illegal Drugs, Government And Bayer Release FlintStoneD Vitam
2007-03-20 18:48:00
(Washington D.C.) Billions have been spent on fighting the War on Drugs . And while the overall use of illegal drugs might be lower than it was ten years ago, that isn't enough for the DEA and concerned parents of young children. "We don't want our little Timmy's and Peggy's to be the victims of the very bad and illegal drugs pushed by the little Juan's and Darnell's," said a racially sensitive mother from Dallas, Texas.
More About: Government , Men , Legal

Woman Seeks to Point Out That Angelina Jolie is Nothing Special, Really
2007-03-16 17:08:00
(Muncie, IN) Tiffany Allen just wants to point out to everyone "Angel ina Jolie 's lips are physically too big for her face....I'm not lying." A fact she repeatedly stated during a recent viewing of the movie Mr. And Mrs. Smith with her boyfriend, Todd James.
More About: Hat , Woman , Special

Sleep Aid Molesta Gets 5 To 10 Year Suspension
2007-03-14 18:24:00
Wilmington, DE) Scientists say that Americans get too little sleep. That proclamation has opened the door to a new industry of sleep aid medications. While most of the drugs appear to be safe, one seems to be causing nightmares.
More About: Pens , Pension , Sleep , Gets , Sion