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Iraqi F.R.E.D.O. Panel Unveils New 'Smart' Strategy To Stop Bombings
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Baghdad, Iraq ) Not to be outdone by the United States government and the Baker-Hamilton report, the Iraqi government has put together their own independent panel made up of the smartest people they have left.
More About: Strategy , Smart , Mart , Pane

With Hilary Running For White House, Former President Clinton Puts Penis In
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(New York, NY) Just hours after Senator Hilary Clinton announced her run for the Democratic ticket in 2008, her husband and former President , Bill Clinton, placed his troublesome penis into former Vice-President Al Gore's lock box for safe keeping.
More About: House , Running , White House , President Clinton

Poll Finds New Trend Among Horny Single Men: Going Back To High School
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Brighton, Co) Mike McKenzie is 29, a successful lawyer and owns his own home in Denver, Colorado. Everything is great in his life, except. "I just can't get any," said Mike at a local bar "I try, but all the good looking ones are taken. And all that's left are the moo-cow girls. And no thanks."
More About: Men , School , High School , Poll , Find

Iraqi Government Reclassifies Its Citizens To Count As 1/5th An American Or
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Baghdad, Iraq ) The exploding amount of violence in Iraq and the inability of the Iraqi forces to stop it, has forced the Iraqi government to reach deep into its bag of tricks. Their first idea was to bring Saddam back as a Dirty Harry type enforcer. But after that idea tested poorly with focus groups, they came up with a winner. Starting today, the Iraqi government will reclassify its citizens to count as 1/5th a person or America n, the current human being standard of the world.
More About: Government , Men , American

Runaway Bride Comes Clean "I have X-Ray vision."
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Duluth, GA) Jennifer Wilbanks, forever branded as the Runaway Bride , is in the news again. Now she is suing her ex-fiancé, John Mason, for financial improprieties connected to the $500,000 the couple received for selling their depressing story. Wilbanks claims that Mason bought a house and other items without her consent. Besides a hunch, how does Wilbanks really know Mason schemed against her? Did she use some secret power that comes from her huge bulging eyes?
More About: Ride , Lean , Clean , Come

Talking Cow Blows Lid Off E. Coli Crisis
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(San Juan Bautista, CA) The E. Coli crisis that has caused the sickness of thousands of Americans and the recall of several tons of lettuce has taken in interesting turn. It seems that the source of the E. Coli came from a dairy farm in San Juan Bautista, California. And how do we know this, because a talking cow flapped its gums. That's right, a talking cow.
More About: Talk , Talking , King , Crisis , Isis

Annan "People Of Earth, Please Stop F*cking."
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(New York, NY) With experts saying that the population of the United States will reach the 300 million mark today, Kofi Anna n, the Secretary-General of the United Nations took the opportunity to talk about over-population. "Good morning everyone. Today's going to be busy, so let's get to it," said Annan "People of Earth , please stop fucking or screwing or ramming the filthy pasty or whatever you want to call it.
More About: Stop , King

Monaco Tests Nuclear Bomb! Monaco Destroyed!
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Paris, France) North Korea was knocked off the world stage today when the city-state of Monaco decided to test a nuclear bomb and unintentionally incinerate themselves. Europe, the United States and jet set world of millionaire playboys are stunned.
More About: Nuclear , Troy , Test , Clear , Bomb

Border Crisis: Mexicans Learning To Fly
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Chiapas, Mexico) Last week in Chiapas, the poorest state in Mexico, hundreds gathered by a dried-up fountain to discuss a response to the United States government's plan to build a fence across the Southwest border. The result: POLE VAULTING.
More About: Mexicans , Mexican , Earn , Learning , Learn

Iraqi's "Why Can't WE Fight The Terrorists Over THERE?"
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Baghdad, Iraq ) A new startling new poll has the Iraqi people turning President George W. Bush's war rationale into a question. "Why can't we fight the terrorist over there or anywhere else for that matter, so we don't have to fight them over here?"
More About: Terror , Fight , Terrorists , Over

What Scares Me? Credit Card Companies
2007-02-14 01:06:04
How's everybody doing? It's me Dracula. Forgive the old painting, but I have issues about being photographed and photographers. (They're delicious!) But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm here to talk about something we, me and you, live with everyday, fear. Fear comes in many forms: spiders, ham and politicians
More About: Companies , Card , Credit , Comp , What

I Love My Butterface!
2007-02-14 01:06:04
Dear Prudence, I told you that I would write, and I am. You already now what this letter is about, but I need your help to open a girl's school for the facially challenged. It's imperative that the next generation have the head start I never did. They will need to develop many talents so that they can compete in this world and hopefully stand up straight to say, "I love my Butt e rface!" just like I do.
More About: Love , Face , Butter

Foley To Invade Kim Jong Il
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Palm Beach, FL) Former Congressman Mark Foley has been in seclusion for almost two weeks now. But today his lawyer, Randall Jenkins, emerged from the shadows in order to read some startling statements. "Good morning. The following is prepared statement from Mr. Foley," said Jenkins before proceeding "My President, fellow Republicans and Americans, I know that my dishonorable behavior has caused you all discomfort, and for that I apologize. But while the media has a field day with my story, the world has become an even more dangerous place. And being a loyal American first, I cannot stand idly by waiting for the storm clouds to further gather.
More About: Invade , Kim Jong-il , Jong

4 Out Of 5 Dentists Agree, "Kim Jong Il's An A-Hole."
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Chicago, Ill) For years they've been working together to protect our smiles, but now the American Dental Association's Group of Five (The group that votes for toothpaste, mouthwash, floss etc.) have something else on their mind. "Kim Jong Il's an a-hole," says the group's leader Phil "And Joey, Jake and Tom agree with me. But Bob, as usual, disagrees. He's what you call a classic obstructionist. He always has been. And 4 out of 5 of us think it's because that he's not getting any at home."
More About: Hole , Dentist

Kansas Passes Anti-Oral Sex Law
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Lawrence, KS) Even though teen pregnancy in the United States has been going down for the past several years, that's not enough for the Kansas State Legislature. They want to get rid of all teen sex acts, great and small. Their next target? Oral sex. Their ammunition? The Kansas Anti -Oral Sex Act of 2006.
More About: Pass

Kids Want Rainbow Back
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Little Rock, AK) At a press conference in front of the local KIDS-R-US, civil rights attorney Bill Stanton asked for a summit with G.L.A.A.D (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and the Rain bow/PUSH Coalition to discuss the Rainbow .
More About: Kids , Back , Want

Apple Unveils The i-DR
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Cupertino, CA) According to Apple Founder and CEO Steve Jobs it's no longer necessary to spend the eight plus years in medical school and post-graduate programs in order to be a doctor. "Now you can do it in just seconds. Introducing the new i-DR," said Jobs
More About: Veil

"I'm Glad I'm Old, Cause You're F*cked"
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Cleveland, OH) On his 73rd birthday Grandfather Godfrey 'Gramps' Reynolds told his two sons, six grandchildren and anyone who would listen that he doesn't mind getting old, in fact he's glad he's old. "It's a shitty world that just gets shittier by the second," said Gramps "And with all those crazy Arabs running around, I wouldn't want to grow up or raise a family now. You young people are fucked."
More About: Cause , Glad

Teen 'I killed JFK, RFK And Hoffa.'
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Indianapolis, IN) A local 16 year-old, Jared Klein, has been bragging that it was he and he alone, who shot JFK, RFK and Jimmy Hoffa . "I had no choice with Jack and Bobby. They took Marilyn from me. I couldn't let that go," says Jared, surrounded by Washington high school's cheerleading squad "and Hoffa, well, he just owed me money."
More About: Kill , Killed

New Car Smell, Gone
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Baghdad, Iraq) Shiite Muslim Amir Yousef spent 15 years of his adult life saving for a car. He often worked up to two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve extra jobs until the day he had enough money and bought a brand new used car. "It was practically new. It only had 10 miles on it," says Yousef holding a picture of him and the car during better times. "And it still had that new car smell. I loved that smell.
More About: Gone , Smell

The Democrats Killed Jesus!
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(New York, NY) Yesterday on the FNC show HANNITY & COLMES, GOP political guru Karl Rove dropped a bombshell. "The Demo crats killed Jesus Christ," said Rove "And I have the proof. But I can't share it with you, because it's classified.""Karl, there's no need for proof. If you said the Democrat s killed Jesus, then the Democrats killed Jesus," said Sean Hannity "I know you wouldn't lie about something like that."
More About: Kill

Please, Let Me Die!
2007-02-14 01:06:04
The following is an eyewitness account from the 37th birthday party of the poet Jonathan Lewis. (London, England-1830) Thank you all, thank you friends, lovers and family for coming out on this cold night to celebrate my birthday. Now many of you have asked me what I wanted on this momentous of days. And I purposely avoided answering, so that I could say it now for all of you to hear....What I want, is for you to please, let me die!
More About: Please , Lease , Ease

Dear God, What I Have I Done?
2007-02-14 01:06:04
The weather has turned cold here in Boston, but it seems even colder in this house. No one talks to one another. No one is writing letters to friends or family, and no one is receiving any letters. Instead everyone is talking on the telephone. I fear that this is my doing, my fault. After all I'm the one who introduced that damn telephone to the masses, and thanks to me it seems our civilization might be crumbling beneath our feet!
More About: God , What , Hat , Have , Done

Gun-Toting Dad Is Really A Gun-Toting Patriot!
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Philadelphia, PA) Gun-toting dad, Wayne Derkotch, who allegedly pulled a gun on his son's youth football coach in order to protest his son's lack of playing time, now has a different story and a high profile attorney, Mark Garragos.
More About: Patriot , Real , Really , Trio , Ally

Diebold Refutes Voting Machine Problems, Meanwhile JFK Elected To Senate In
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(North Canton, Ohio) Diebold Inc, the top supplier of electronic voting machines to yesterday's midterm elections is refuting that their machines performed poorly or not at all. In other headlines, former President John F. Kennedy was elected to the Senate in 20 different states including Massachusetts, where he defeated his younger brother Teddy. Are the two related?
More About: Mac , Machine , Chine , Problems

Whites Still Doing OK
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(New York, NY) It's been six months since the historians at the Museum of Natural History released their findings, 20th Century Found To Be Good For White s, and now they're releasing an updated version of the paper, which adds the data from the first six years of the 21st century. And again, to the historian's astonishment Whites are still doing ok.
More About: Stil , Still , Doing

You Call That A Genocide? I'll Show You A Genocide.
2007-02-14 01:06:04
The following is a letter written by Joseph Stalin to Nazi Reichsmarschall Hermann Goering in March of 1946.
More About: Show , Hat , Genocide , Call , That

Thanksgiving Is Coming? Great, I Can't Wait To Spend It All The Way Out Her
2007-02-14 01:06:04
This is a letter Henry David Thoreau sent to his aunt in November of 1846. At that time Thoreau, was living alone on Walden Pond, which was only 1.5 miles away from his family home.
More About: Thanksgiving , Great , The Way , Giving , Thanks

Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Canyon City, Oregon) Last night in Canyon City town leader and legendary lumberjack Jim Falbrook (55) passed away after losing his battle with Lupus , the chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue. But upon further investigation we found that Jim didn't just lose to Lupus, he had his ass handed to him.
More About: Gets , Hand , Handed

Study Finds New Energy Source For America: BULLSHIT
2007-02-14 01:06:04
(Washington DC) Today the Energy Foundation For America released a study saying that they have a discovered a new energy source. A source they say has the possibility to meet U.S. energy needs for the next thousand years. That energy source? Bullshit.
More About: Study , Source , Find