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Sarah Palin Signs TV Contract With Fox News, But Promises To Quit Halfway T
2010-01-14 02:55:00
This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.(New York, NY) This week conservative megastar Sarah Palin signed a multi-year deal to appear on Fox News as a political consultant. Soon  after, the Joe and Jane Six-Packs of America were worried that being on cable TV might change their beloved hockey mom. Today Palin let them know that she will always be their little maverick.Reading from a partially prepared statement the former Alaska Governor said that even though she’s only been at Fox News for a few days, she loves it. She loves the people, the fair and balanced message and the 10% off she gets on Bill O’Reilly’s Factor Gear. “But one day, probably about two years and seven months from now, I will decide to not quite quit, but instead resign, from Fox News."
More About: Signs , Contract , Promises

Afghan People, If Americans Don’t Want A Public Option, We’ll Take It
2009-09-29 17:10:00
(Afghanistan & Washington D.C.) President Obama and his advisors are considering sending more troops into Afghanistan. However, the Afghan people have a message for them. Keep your troops. Send us the public option.“We’re not kidding,” said Fareed Abdullah, a local schoolteacher.
More About: People , Public , Americans

Afghan People Say If Americans Don’t Want The Public Option...They’ll T
2009-09-29 17:10:00
(Afghanistan & Washington D.C.) President Obama and his advisors are considering sending more troops into Afghanistan. However, the Afghan people have a message for them. Keep your troops. Send us the public option.“We’re not kidding,” said Fareed Abdullah, a local schoolteacher.
More About: People , Public , Americans

Obama Comes Clean On Healthcare “We Don’t Want To Kill Grandma, We Want
2009-09-08 16:38:00
(Washington D.C.) Yesterday, in advance of President Obama ’s health care address to a joint session of Congress, the White House released the text of his speech. One paragraph involving the controversial death panels has caught the attention of the nation. My fellow Americans, let me make this clear, the federal government does not want to kill your grandma. There will be no death panels for her….But make no mistake, there will be death panels for your grandpa. We, the government, want to get rid of that tired old man, so that we can date your grandma. Because let’s face facts, she’s still got some tread on that booty, and we want to drive that booty all the way to funky town.
More About: Healthcare , Clean , Grandma , Kill

Gone Fishing
2009-08-06 06:38:00
Hey folks, Just announcing that like Congress and (the Birthers grasp of reality), I am taking a break...I will be back after Labor Day with more tasteful and kid-friendly stories. See you in September, Chris
More About: Fishing

GOP Plans To Fix Obesity And Healthcare With "The 20 Ounce Pound"
2009-07-28 23:56:00
(Washington D.C.) For months we have been hearing that obesity along with a broken healthcare system are major threats to America’s economic survival. After months of saying NO to all of President Obama’s proposed solutions, today, the GOP released their plan. It’s a plan that in the words of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “will revolutionize the weigh Americans live”.
More About: Healthcare , Obesity , Plans , Pound

Man Booted From Facebook For Giving TLI (Too Little Information)
2009-07-14 20:57:00
(New York, NY) Last Sunday at 4:13 PM Jim Decker updated his Facebook status…Just walked past pizza place…Just ten minutes later at 4:23, that same afternoon, Decker’s Facebook account was cancelled. Why?“Mr. Decker was booted because of TLI (Too Little Information ),” said Facebook’s Director of Membership Matt Portnoy. “He had been warned to provide more details in his status updates and comments. He didn’t. So he’s gone.”Gregory Harris, a Sociology Professor at Hunter College and an expert on social networking web sites, is not surprised by Facebook’s actions.
More About: Giving

Local Singer Offers To Pick Up The Mantle Of King Of Pop
2009-06-26 22:06:00
(Portland, OR) On June 25th, 2009 Michael Jackson passed on leaving this world without a King of Pop. Music critics, producers and performers don’t think anyone will ever be able to replace Jackson, and therefore the Throne of Pop will remain vacant. One man thinks that would be a crime against humanity.“Hello world, my name is Dennis Covington and I am offering myself to be your new King of Pop. As you can see, I look the part. And this axe? Well it ain't just for show.”
More About: Local , Offers , Singer , Pick

White Guy Volunteers To Sit In Back Of Bus
2009-06-18 02:54:00
(St. Louis, MO) Barack Obama helped ease centuries of built up racial tensions in the United States, when he was elected to the White House in 2008. In 2009, Brian Pale also helped ease racial tensions, when he voluntarily sat in the back of a bus.Last week, during a trip across town, the 27 year-old high school civics teacher took it upon himself to move to the back of a city bus
More About: Back , Volunteers

GOP Unveils Plan To Combat Global Warming: Swimming Lessons
2009-06-11 03:13:00
(Washington D.C.) Most people think global warming is one big problem. But how do we fix it? Today, the Grand Old Party gave their answer.“It’s not just our answer. It’s the answer!” exclaimed the goggle clad House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. “And that answer is - swimming lessons!”Yes, the GOP plans to combat global warming with swimming lessons.
More About: Global Warming , Swimming , Global , Combat , Plan

Tagged
2009-06-07 19:12:00
A few days ago I was "tagged” by Frumpzilla from The Frump Gazette. I have to admit, it was not an unpleasant experiece. In full disclosure, I must say that this type of "tagging" is different from the childhood game and the adult game. (usually engaged in after a night of heavy drinking); it's a way for us to market our blog/sites. And that's a good thing...I hope. Like anything in life, there are rules. They are, 1) Give a shout-out and link to the person/blog tagged you. 2) List Six Unimportant Things That Make You Happy. 3) Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along. 4) Commenting on their blogs to let them know they’ve been tagged, (so they can get checked out by their doctor). My favorite things? 1. Warm socks 2. Long sleeve t-shirts 3. Home made tacos 4. A good pen 5. Protected left turns 6. Sour Cream and Onion potato chips Now, in no particular order, some blogs worth tagging. 1 Borowitz Report 2 RyanGarns.com 3 The Offended Blogger 4 Random Political Tho...
More About: Tagged

Cyclist With Two Testicles Says He Can Win 14 Tour de France Championships
2009-06-02 17:22:00
(Tampa, FL) Professional cyclist Greg Dorvman, 23, is about to compete in his first Tour de France , and he has a message for Lance Armstrong. “Stay home…Retire, again…Do not ride in this year’s Tour de France . Your one testicle will be no match against my two testicles.”Starting this year Dorvman plans to win 14 consecutive Tour de France championships, because in his mind if Armstrong can win 7 with one testicle, then he should win 14 with two testicles.
More About: Championships , Testicles

A Message From The Vice President - What Did You Expect The GOP To Say Abou
2009-05-29 20:56:00
Hello my fellow Americans, Joe Biden here. Ever since that cool cat President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court, I have gotten a zillion phone calls from you saying that you are outraged, OUTRAGED, that the GOP and their media minions have called Judge Sotomayor a racist, liberal and intellectual lightweight. All I have to say about that is, WELL DUH!
More About: Message , Expect , Vice President , Vice

Pelosi Finally Comes Clean, “Torture, Iraq, Steroids In Baseball…All My
2009-05-20 02:36:00
(Washington DC) Today the embattled Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi , came clean about what she knew about the torturing of Al Qaeda detainees, and when she knew it. “I want to tell the Republicans and the rest of the American people, that you got me. I knew about the waterboarding and all the other torture techniques the whole time. In fact, the torturing of those suspects was my idea,” said Pelosi.
More About: Iraq , Clean , Steroids , Finally

CDC Issues New Warning For America: Beware The Banana Hammock
2009-05-06 16:15:00
(Atlanta, GA) Move over Swine Flu, there’s a new menace that’s threatening to churn the public’s stomach. It's called the Banana Hammock Virus or BHV. “The Banana Hammock Virus can be defined as the nausea, night sweats and other flu-like symptoms that accompany the sight of a man’s banana that has been irresponsibly squeezed into a very small hammock,” says Dr. John Harris, deputy director for the CDC. "These physical manifestations of the term TMI (Too Much Information), are poised to wreak havoc this spring and summer.”
More About: America , Issues , Warning , Beware

My Case Against Solar Power
2009-04-21 07:03:00
Jimmy NicholsHello my fellow humans. Earth Day is here, or almost here or has already been here, whatever. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I'm about to tell you. I used to be a big fan of all that green power stuff. I almost bought a hybrid car. I thought about bringing canvas bags to the grocery store once, and I actually used the 2 CFL light bulbs that the power company gave me. But I’m done with that shit, and here’s why.
More About: Power , Solar Power , Solar , Case

Colleges Giving Away ShamWow Diplomas
2009-04-14 05:27:00
(New York, NY) Last December 22 year-old Paul Finnemore was on top of the world when he graduated from Hunter College with a Bachelor Degree in Accounting. “When I held that diploma in my hand,” said Paul, “I thought ‘this is great, but a little weird.’” Paul’s diploma was made not from the usual parchment but from the super absorbent ShamWow.Finnemore thought his ShamWow diploma was a product endorsement or a joke. “It’s no joke. It’s a real diploma. A real diploma that can also wash, dry and polish any surface on Earth,”
More About: Colleges , Giving

NBC Picks Up Osama Bin Laden’s Reality Show “Catch Me If You Can”
2008-01-31 16:58:00
(Burbank, CA) With declining ratings and stale programming, because of a prolonged writer’s strike, the major television networks are scrambling to find new content. CBS, ABC and FOX are relying on a mixture of reality, canned series and repurposed cable shows to fill the void, but NBC thinks they might have trumped them all. The peacock network has just picked up a new reality show, Catch Me If You Can,  that will be produced and star Osama Bin Laden.
More About: Reality , Show

Proponents Of Domestic Violence Lose Beloved Icon
2007-12-13 18:45:00
(Los Angeles, CA) Last night there wasn’t a bruised eye in the house, city or state as thousands of proponents and providers of domestic violence took the night off to pay homage to one of their icons, Ike Turner. Turner, of beating the living hell out of Tina Turner fame, died at his San Marcos home yesterday at the age of  76.“It’s been a tough day. I feel like I’ve lost a father figure,” some abusive husband Gerald Coffey. “The last thing I want to do is beat my old lady, no matter how many steaks she over cooks.”
More About: Icon , Domestic , Violence , Domestic Violence , Prop

Brad Pitt, “Help Me Rebuild New Orleans, Or I’ll Bed Your Wife, Girlfri
2007-12-05 17:31:00
(New Orleans , LA) September 2005, hurricane Katrina devastated the city of New Orleans. December 2007, not much has been rebuilt, and actor turned activist Brad Pitt is determined to do something about it. “I’ve created this MAKE IT RIGHT project because men, you and I, are going to make this right and rebuild New Orleans,” said Pitt. “And if you don't, I’m going to bed your wife, girlfriend or daughter. And don’t test me guys, because you know I will and we both know that they will.”
More About: Wife

Last 'Air Supply' Fan Calls It Quits
2007-11-26 22:00:00
(Thousand Oaks, Ca) After months of deliberating, part-time economics teacher, Alice Cahill, the last known Air Supply fan, has decided to call it quits. "It's hard, but it's really for the best." said a somber Alice, as she put the Air Supply album Yours Truly into a time capsule. "Maybe future generations will rediscover and love the Supply, but I can't do it anymore."  Why?
More About: Calls

Sh*t-Stained Shorts Can’t Take Another SAW Sequel
2007-10-25 17:16:00
(Philadelpia, PA) 18 year-old Mary Chaffin is a big fan of the movie SAW and it’s two sequels, but she is not looking forward to the fourth installment. Her boyfriend, 18 year-old Seth Hamer, whom she loves dearly and hopes one day to marry, is why. ”Okay, this is maybe kind of a little bit gross,” said Mary “but when Seth sees a SAW movie, he likes to wear his favorite pair of underwear called “The Scary Shorts ”.
More About: Sequel

TODAY Show Brings Back The Custom Of Prima Nocte
2007-10-04 19:26:00
(New York, NY) The big TODAY Show Presents A Martha Stewart Wedding has been creating buzz for months. The lucky couple, Cody and Jessica, who were chosen by The TODAY Show’s audience, are preparing to walk down the aisle this Friday. And they are ecstatic about starting their lives together, or at least they were.
More About: Today , Back , Today Show , Prima

O. J. Hires Hotshot Attorney Jackie Chiles
2007-09-18 17:10:00
(Las Vegas, NV) O. J. Simpson has found himself in trouble again. Over the weekend Simpson allegedly broke into a room at the palatial Palace Station hotel and took some of his own sports memorabilia at gunpoint. And like that whole ‘Nicole and Ron thing’ O.J. says he’s the victim. “Those guys stole from me first man!” To help him avoid serious jail time, Simpson has retained the best attorney he could afford, Jackie Chiles .
More About: Attorney

Britney Spears Begins Bilateral Talks With Iran
2007-09-11 16:49:00
(Los Angeles, CA) After her uneven performance at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards, pop diva Britney Spears has had a hard time getting anyone to return her calls or text messages. Anyone but her long time closeted fan, Iran ian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “I thought she was great, just great…The slow deliberate moves, the hazy, full of Allah look and that ripe healthy figure…she was perfection.”

When Fart Jokes Are No Longer Funny, It’s Time To Walk Away
2007-08-23 17:05:00
Tommy Dempsy Comedy. It’s a wonderful but hard business that I’ve been blessed to work in for over 40 years.  But as my mentor, Cy Goldman told me in 1965, “Tommy, when the fart jokes are no longer funny, it’s time to walk away.” Well folks, the fart jokes are no longer funny, and neither are the Jew jokes, the black jokes or the Holocaust jokes.
More About: Jokes , Funny , Time , Fart , Walk

Lindsay Lohan Bumps Second Coming Of Jesus To Page 12
2007-07-25 16:57:00
(Los Angeles, CA) Yesterday, millions of devotees got their answer to the question: when will Lindsay Lohan fall off that wagon? Early Tuesday morning Ms. Lohan, 21, was arrested in Santa Monica on suspicion of driving under the influence. Also early Tuesday Jesus Christ, the Son of God, returned to establish his Father’s Kingdom on Earth. But no one seemed to notice.
More About: Page

‘Scooter’ Libby Recast In NBC Pilot
2007-07-10 17:01:00
(Los Angeles, CA) It didn’t take long for the convicted and commuted I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby to land on his feet. Reports out of Hollywood say that Libby has been cast in the new NBC show, Journeyman. Libby will be replacing a younger, more athletic and more handsome Kevin McKidd in the show about a man, Dan Vasser, who travels through time to save people.  “This show is about a man who thought he had it all, but finds his life turned upside down by external forces,”
More About: Pilot

We’ll Always Have The Los Angeles Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Pari
2007-06-25 17:01:00
(Los Angeles , CA)  “We had a loving adult relationship. One I’ll never forget.” This is what Laquisha Johnson said about her time spent in a jail cell with heiress Paris Hilton. “She’s completes me.”
More About: Twin Towers , Twin , Always

Local Reporter Shows Empty Ring Finger For The 200th Time
2007-06-06 17:22:00
(Des Moines, IA)  Last night the Republican candidates for President of the United States debated in New Hampshire. And in Des Moines, Iowa Megan Rigg, a reporter for WHO-TV Channel 13, showed her empty ring ringer for the 200th time.While Governor Mitt Romney, Senator John McCain and Mayor Rudy Giuliani pitched themselves as the perfect candidate for 2008, Megan was not so subtlety pitching herself as the perfect wife in 2007.
More About: Time , Local , Ring , Reporter , Finger