The Lost News

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Obama Comes Clean On Healthcare “We Don’t Want To Kill Grandma, We Want
2009-09-08 16:38:00
(Washington D.C.) Yesterday, in advance of President Obama ’s health care address to a joint session of Congress, the White House released the text of his speech. One paragraph involving the controversial death panels has caught the attention of the nation. My fellow Americans, let me make this clear, the federal government does not want to kill your grandma. There will be no death panels for her….But make no mistake, there will be death panels for your grandpa. We, the government, want to get rid of that tired old man, so that we can date your grandma. Because let’s face facts, she’s still got some tread on that booty, and we want to drive that booty all the way to funky town.
More About: Healthcare , Clean , Grandma , Kill

Gone Fishing
2009-08-06 06:38:00
Hey folks, Just announcing that like Congress and (the Birthers grasp of reality), I am taking a break...I will be back after Labor Day with more tasteful and kid-friendly stories. See you in September, Chris
More About: Fishing

GOP Plans To Fix Obesity And Healthcare With "The 20 Ounce Pound"
2009-07-28 23:56:00
(Washington D.C.) For months we have been hearing that obesity along with a broken healthcare system are major threats to America’s economic survival. After months of saying NO to all of President Obama’s proposed solutions, today, the GOP released their plan. It’s a plan that in the words of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “will revolutionize the weigh Americans live”.
More About: Healthcare , Obesity , Plans , Pound

Man Booted From Facebook For Giving TLI (Too Little Information)
2009-07-14 20:57:00
(New York, NY) Last Sunday at 4:13 PM Jim Decker updated his Facebook status…Just walked past pizza place…Just ten minutes later at 4:23, that same afternoon, Decker’s Facebook account was cancelled. Why?“Mr. Decker was booted because of TLI (Too Little Information ),” said Facebook’s Director of Membership Matt Portnoy. “He had been warned to provide more details in his status updates and comments. He didn’t. So he’s gone.”Gregory Harris, a Sociology Professor at Hunter College and an expert on social networking web sites, is not surprised by Facebook’s actions.
More About: Giving

Local Singer Offers To Pick Up The Mantle Of King Of Pop
2009-06-26 22:06:00
(Portland, OR) On June 25th, 2009 Michael Jackson passed on leaving this world without a King of Pop. Music critics, producers and performers don’t think anyone will ever be able to replace Jackson, and therefore the Throne of Pop will remain vacant. One man thinks that would be a crime against humanity.“Hello world, my name is Dennis Covington and I am offering myself to be your new King of Pop. As you can see, I look the part. And this axe? Well it ain't just for show.”
More About: Local , Offers , Singer , Pick

White Guy Volunteers To Sit In Back Of Bus
2009-06-18 02:54:00
(St. Louis, MO) Barack Obama helped ease centuries of built up racial tensions in the United States, when he was elected to the White House in 2008. In 2009, Brian Pale also helped ease racial tensions, when he voluntarily sat in the back of a bus.Last week, during a trip across town, the 27 year-old high school civics teacher took it upon himself to move to the back of a city bus
More About: Back , Volunteers

GOP Unveils Plan To Combat Global Warming: Swimming Lessons
2009-06-11 03:13:00
(Washington D.C.) Most people think global warming is one big problem. But how do we fix it? Today, the Grand Old Party gave their answer.“It’s not just our answer. It’s the answer!” exclaimed the goggle clad House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. “And that answer is - swimming lessons!”Yes, the GOP plans to combat global warming with swimming lessons.
More About: Global Warming , Swimming , Global , Combat , Plan

Tagged
2009-06-07 19:12:00
A few days ago I was "tagged” by Frumpzilla from The Frump Gazette. I have to admit, it was not an unpleasant experiece. In full disclosure, I must say that this type of "tagging" is different from the childhood game and the adult game. (usually engaged in after a night of heavy drinking); it's a way for us to market our blog/sites. And that's a good thing...I hope. Like anything in life, there are rules. They are, 1) Give a shout-out and link to the person/blog tagged you. 2) List Six Unimportant Things That Make You Happy. 3) Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along. 4) Commenting on their blogs to let them know they’ve been tagged, (so they can get checked out by their doctor). My favorite things? 1. Warm socks 2. Long sleeve t-shirts 3. Home made tacos 4. A good pen 5. Protected left turns 6. Sour Cream and Onion potato chips Now, in no particular order, some blogs worth tagging. 1 Borowitz Report 2 RyanGarns.com 3 The Offended Blogger 4 Random Political Tho...
More About: Tagged

Cyclist With Two Testicles Says He Can Win 14 Tour de France Championships
2009-06-02 17:22:00
(Tampa, FL) Professional cyclist Greg Dorvman, 23, is about to compete in his first Tour de France , and he has a message for Lance Armstrong. “Stay home…Retire, again…Do not ride in this year’s Tour de France . Your one testicle will be no match against my two testicles.”Starting this year Dorvman plans to win 14 consecutive Tour de France championships, because in his mind if Armstrong can win 7 with one testicle, then he should win 14 with two testicles.
More About: Championships , Testicles

A Message From The Vice President - What Did You Expect The GOP To Say Abou
2009-05-29 20:56:00
Hello my fellow Americans, Joe Biden here. Ever since that cool cat President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court, I have gotten a zillion phone calls from you saying that you are outraged, OUTRAGED, that the GOP and their media minions have called Judge Sotomayor a racist, liberal and intellectual lightweight. All I have to say about that is, WELL DUH!
More About: Message , Expect , Vice President , Vice

NBC Picks Up Osama Bin Laden’s Reality Show “Catch Me If You Can”
2008-01-31 16:58:00
(Burbank, CA) With declining ratings and stale programming, because of a prolonged writer’s strike, the major television networks are scrambling to find new content. CBS, ABC and FOX are relying on a mixture of reality, canned series and repurposed cable shows to fill the void, but NBC thinks they might have trumped them all. The peacock network has just picked up a new reality show, Catch Me If You Can,  that will be produced and star Osama Bin Laden.
More About: Reality , Show

Proponents Of Domestic Violence Lose Beloved Icon
2007-12-13 18:45:00
(Los Angeles, CA) Last night there wasn’t a bruised eye in the house, city or state as thousands of proponents and providers of domestic violence took the night off to pay homage to one of their icons, Ike Turner. Turner, of beating the living hell out of Tina Turner fame, died at his San Marcos home yesterday at the age of  76.“It’s been a tough day. I feel like I’ve lost a father figure,” some abusive husband Gerald Coffey. “The last thing I want to do is beat my old lady, no matter how many steaks she over cooks.”
More About: Icon , Domestic , Violence , Domestic Violence , Prop

Brad Pitt, “Help Me Rebuild New Orleans, Or I’ll Bed Your Wife, Girlfri
2007-12-05 17:31:00
(New Orleans , LA) September 2005, hurricane Katrina devastated the city of New Orleans. December 2007, not much has been rebuilt, and actor turned activist Brad Pitt is determined to do something about it. “I’ve created this MAKE IT RIGHT project because men, you and I, are going to make this right and rebuild New Orleans,” said Pitt. “And if you don't, I’m going to bed your wife, girlfriend or daughter. And don’t test me guys, because you know I will and we both know that they will.”
More About: Wife

Last 'Air Supply' Fan Calls It Quits
2007-11-26 22:00:00
(Thousand Oaks, Ca) After months of deliberating, part-time economics teacher, Alice Cahill, the last known Air Supply fan, has decided to call it quits. "It's hard, but it's really for the best." said a somber Alice, as she put the Air Supply album Yours Truly into a time capsule. "Maybe future generations will rediscover and love the Supply, but I can't do it anymore."  Why?
More About: Calls

Sh*t-Stained Shorts Can’t Take Another SAW Sequel
2007-10-25 17:16:00
(Philadelpia, PA) 18 year-old Mary Chaffin is a big fan of the movie SAW and it’s two sequels, but she is not looking forward to the fourth installment. Her boyfriend, 18 year-old Seth Hamer, whom she loves dearly and hopes one day to marry, is why. ”Okay, this is maybe kind of a little bit gross,” said Mary “but when Seth sees a SAW movie, he likes to wear his favorite pair of underwear called “The Scary Shorts ”.
More About: Sequel

TODAY Show Brings Back The Custom Of Prima Nocte
2007-10-04 19:26:00
(New York, NY) The big TODAY Show Presents A Martha Stewart Wedding has been creating buzz for months. The lucky couple, Cody and Jessica, who were chosen by The TODAY Show’s audience, are preparing to walk down the aisle this Friday. And they are ecstatic about starting their lives together, or at least they were.
More About: Today , Back , Today Show , Prima

O. J. Hires Hotshot Attorney Jackie Chiles
2007-09-18 17:10:00
(Las Vegas, NV) O. J. Simpson has found himself in trouble again. Over the weekend Simpson allegedly broke into a room at the palatial Palace Station hotel and took some of his own sports memorabilia at gunpoint. And like that whole ‘Nicole and Ron thing’ O.J. says he’s the victim. “Those guys stole from me first man!” To help him avoid serious jail time, Simpson has retained the best attorney he could afford, Jackie Chiles .
More About: Attorney

Britney Spears Begins Bilateral Talks With Iran
2007-09-11 16:49:00
(Los Angeles, CA) After her uneven performance at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards, pop diva Britney Spears has had a hard time getting anyone to return her calls or text messages. Anyone but her long time closeted fan, Iran ian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “I thought she was great, just great…The slow deliberate moves, the hazy, full of Allah look and that ripe healthy figure…she was perfection.”

When Fart Jokes Are No Longer Funny, It’s Time To Walk Away
2007-08-23 17:05:00
Tommy Dempsy Comedy. It’s a wonderful but hard business that I’ve been blessed to work in for over 40 years.  But as my mentor, Cy Goldman told me in 1965, “Tommy, when the fart jokes are no longer funny, it’s time to walk away.” Well folks, the fart jokes are no longer funny, and neither are the Jew jokes, the black jokes or the Holocaust jokes.
More About: Jokes , Funny , Time , Fart , Walk

Lindsay Lohan Bumps Second Coming Of Jesus To Page 12
2007-07-25 16:57:00
(Los Angeles, CA) Yesterday, millions of devotees got their answer to the question: when will Lindsay Lohan fall off that wagon? Early Tuesday morning Ms. Lohan, 21, was arrested in Santa Monica on suspicion of driving under the influence. Also early Tuesday Jesus Christ, the Son of God, returned to establish his Father’s Kingdom on Earth. But no one seemed to notice.
More About: Page

‘Scooter’ Libby Recast In NBC Pilot
2007-07-10 17:01:00
(Los Angeles, CA) It didn’t take long for the convicted and commuted I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby to land on his feet. Reports out of Hollywood say that Libby has been cast in the new NBC show, Journeyman. Libby will be replacing a younger, more athletic and more handsome Kevin McKidd in the show about a man, Dan Vasser, who travels through time to save people.  “This show is about a man who thought he had it all, but finds his life turned upside down by external forces,”
More About: Pilot

We’ll Always Have The Los Angeles Twin Towers Correctional Facility, Pari
2007-06-25 17:01:00
(Los Angeles , CA)  “We had a loving adult relationship. One I’ll never forget.” This is what Laquisha Johnson said about her time spent in a jail cell with heiress Paris Hilton. “She’s completes me.”
More About: Twin Towers , Twin , Always

Local Reporter Shows Empty Ring Finger For The 200th Time
2007-06-06 17:22:00
(Des Moines, IA)  Last night the Republican candidates for President of the United States debated in New Hampshire. And in Des Moines, Iowa Megan Rigg, a reporter for WHO-TV Channel 13, showed her empty ring ringer for the 200th time.While Governor Mitt Romney, Senator John McCain and Mayor Rudy Giuliani pitched themselves as the perfect candidate for 2008, Megan was not so subtlety pitching herself as the perfect wife in 2007.
More About: Time , Local , Ring , Reporter , Finger

Despite Conventional Wisdom, Daredevil Has Itty Bitty Raisin Balls
2007-05-24 16:39:00
(Fresno, CA) NO ONE OUT DARES HANK McAFEE, NO ONE! That’s how the business card for the world class daredevil reads. And his resume, including such stunts as jumping a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon with one hand tied behind his back, wrestling a Great White shark while blindfolded and banging Paris Hilton without a condom, speaks to that. But what the business card and resume don’t speak to, is that despite all the myths and conventional wisdom attributed to a daredevil, Hank McAfee has little itty bitty raisin balls.
More About: Raisin , Balls , Wisdom , Ball , Vent

Another Celebrity Has Another Baby
2007-05-22 18:46:00
"It's like a miracle. An absolute miracle!" Marcia Cross of ABC's Desperate Housewives gushed exclusively to The Lost News, People Magazine, Star and The National Enquirer about the birth of her twins. "No one else in the world has ever had a baby!"The twin girls were born two minutes apart, in a trying half hour C-section labor, which Marcia described as "grueling" for her doctor.
More About: Baby , Celebrity

Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) “The Islam Thing Has Been Great, But I Was Expe
2007-05-01 16:46:00
(New York, NY) Yusuf Islam , formerly known as the pop singer Cat Steven s, was in New York last week continuing to promote his new album An Other Cup, his first pop album since 1978. During an impromptu concert/press conference, Islam answered a few questions about his life for the 100, mostly menopausal, female fans.
More About: Great , Yusuf Islam , Thing

Guys, I've Got Some Great Ideas For Naked Gun 44 1/4
2007-04-25 03:27:00
This is a letter sent to Jerry and David Zucker, the makers of Police Squad and The Naked Gun, The Naked Gun 2 1/2 and The Naked Gun 33 1/3...dated, January 1, 2001 Happy New Year Zucker clan! It's a new century, a new era and a time for rebirth. Which means I'm ready to get back to work! I haven't heard from you in a while. (the second half of the 90's was just nuts for me) I didn't know if I had done anything to make you mad, so I thought that I would extend the olive branch. So how are you guys? First let me say, Jerry I saw FIRST KNIGHT and let me say powerful man, powerful. No wonder the whites have been in power so long. ZING! That was a Juice Joke, not the powerful comment about FIRST KNIGHT but about whites being in power. I'm thinking about trying stand-up comedy, because thanks to you guys, I know I'm funn...
More About: Ideas , Great , Guys , Great Idea , Some

For One Fleeting Moment, Journey Tribute Band Singer Thinks He Might Be A F
2007-04-17 16:56:00
(Long Beach, CA) Joe Albany a.k.a. “Little Steve Perry” has a fun life. He belts out Journey tunes at the local bars four nights a week with his band Separate Ways and enjoys the charms of many 40 to 50 year-old female fans, who like him because he looks and sounds like a smaller Steve Perry. But a week ago, it almost came crashing down, when Joe was brushing his teeth. While switching from the molars to the canines, he caught his own reflection in the mirror. And for just a split second, a mere whisper, a fleeting moment, Joe thought that he might be a fraud.
More About: Band , Moment , Singer , Bute

Immigrants With HIV, A-Cups Or A High Debt To Asset Ratio Not Welcome
2007-04-16 17:17:00
(Sydney, Australia) In an op-ed printed in Friday's edition of The Australian, the Prime Minister of Australia, John Howard, laid out his new immigration policies.
More About: Rant , Debt , Grants , Come , High

Rape Joke Told, Too Soon
2007-04-15 03:02:00
(Los Angeles, CA) To a comedian, the joke is key, but the laugh is everything. The stakes are high. Getting that laugh could mean life or death to a career. So when a joke bombs it hurts, hurts bad. Veteran comedian Jack Carter felt that pain last week; when seconds after finding out that his 20 year-old daughter, Melissa, had been raped, his joke about that rape went over like a lead zeppelin. "And not because it was a bad joke," says a now ostracized Jack "But because I told it too soon."Jack explains that in the Woody Allen film CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS, Alan Alda plays a successful writer who describes comedy as 'tragedy plus time'. "And the tragedy of that day was that I forgot that rule," says Jack "Oh, and that my daughter got raped."That horrible night Melissa was at a pool party, when her new boyfriend Charlie, took things way too far. After fighting Charlie off, Melissa went home and told her parents what had happened. Jack's first...
More About: Joke , Rape , Told