Why Do I Fall?Why Do I Fall?A humorous look at my life as a university student
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I'm Taking Some Time Off
2007-08-27 01:22:00 Some issues have arisen in my life that, for now, leave me unable to continue writing this humour blog. I've decided to take some time off. I don't know when I'll be back. But I will resume my blogging as soon as I can. More About: Time , Taking , Some
WDIF Top Ten
2007-07-21 22:34:00 Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost. 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. 8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? 7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion. 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! ...
WDIF Quotes
2007-07-20 19:18:00 "I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time."-Richard Pryor More About: Quotes , Quote
WDIF Jokes
2007-07-16 20:25:00 One man calls emergency: - Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: - It is OK, I found another one.Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again! More About: Jokes
WDIF Top Ten
2007-07-14 18:25:00 This is taken from the Late Show with David Letterman.Top Ten Surprises In "Spider-Man 3"10. Spider-Man must stop an angry, unemployed Rosie O'Donnell 9. Because of promotional tie-in, instead of webbing, shoots Mountain Dew 8. Spider-Man's secret identity is leaked by Dick Cheney 7. New black costume comes with matching pumps and handbag 6. Crime rises while Spider-Man is home enjoying Late Show Impressionist Week 2 5. Plot centers around the intense negotiations surrounding "Spider-Man 4" 4. Spider-Man passes out after forgetting to punch airhole in new mask 3. The professor can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can't build a raft to get them off the island 2. Well, the ending where Spidey dies was kind of surprising 1. "Tingly spider sense" a result of an intimate encounter with Paris Hilton
WDIF Quotes
2007-07-11 01:40:00 " A man's only as old as the woman he feels."-Groucho Marx More About: Quotes , Quote
WDIF Top Ten
2007-07-09 19:28:00 This is taken from the Late Show with David Letterman.Top Ten Signs Paris Hilton Has Found God:10. Instead of pretending to read newspaper, now pretending to read Bible. 9. Been exchanging text messages with Pope Benedict XVI 8. New catchphrase? "That's holy!" 7. Begins each day with a prayer to Santa 6. Spent the last ten hours trying to turn water into cosmopolitans 5. Vowed to give up all earthly possessions that are no longer in style 4. Changed chihuahua's name from Tinkerbell to Ezekiel 3. Now, only time she gets on her knees is to pray 2. Latest sex tape sponsored by National Council of Churches 1. Often asks herself: "Where would Jesus shop?"
WDIF Quotes
2007-07-07 05:17:00 "If a kid call his grandma 'Mommy' and his momma 'Pam', he going to jail!" -Chris Rock More About: Quotes , Quote
New Features
2007-07-07 03:24:00 For quite a while now, it has been my intention to increase the frequency of my posts on this blog. Unfortunately I'm lazy, and therein lies my biggest problem. I don't have the time to write more than once per week. So I've decided to post a few articles each week that require no work from me. Look out for them. More About: Features , Feat
More Random Thoughts
2007-07-05 22:21:00 Here are some random thoughts that I thought I thought while I knelt on the ground, hugging a toilet bowl, after getting food poisoning from KFC. I wonder what porn stars and buxom models look up on the internet.Is it a coincidence that a high percentage of the bitches and assholes out there, as well as the kid from The Omen and the girl from The Exorcist, are all only children? Does not having siblings fuck you up that much? As a matter of fact, I can believe it?s not butter!You sir. Yes you, riding your bike in the middle of a busy street. You are not Lance Armstrong. And if you don?t move from in front of my car I?ll mow your ass down like a dog.Rabbits are the best pets. They eat carrots, outsmart hunters and ducks, and fight bulls.I wish I had a kryptonite cross. That way I could keep Superman and Dracula away.I wonder if salmonella was one of the Colonel?s eleven herbs and spices.What?s worse, being turned... More About: Random Thoughts , Random , Thoughts
A Day in the Life of this Blog.
2007-07-05 18:11:00 I believe that a piece of writing or a regular column can take a personality of its own. I also believe that the same can be applied to a blog, and more importantly, this blog. I?ve wondered what an individual with the personality that I created for my blog would be like, so I created this post, which details a day in the life of my blog. Keep in mind that I?m personifying the blog as an individual. I know it?s a big creative license and a bit far-fetched, but I couldn?t resist. 9:00 AMAwaken by cute female blog that wastes no time in initiating sex. 9:10 AMHit the shower. 9:15 AMGet dressed in finest attire and hit the limo, allowing female blog to tag along. 9:20 AMAsk the driver to head to the forest. 9:45 AMFind the hunter that shot Bambi?s mom and kick his ass. Leave him tired naked to a tree next to a bi-curious bear. 10:00 AMOn way to air-port, ask driver to pull over. Have sex with female blog again. 10:35 AMFemale blog visibly exhausted. Bot... More About: Life , Blog , Day In The Life
Happy Birthday WDIF
2007-07-05 16:53:00 Two years ago today, I started this blog chronicling my life. It has since evolved into a comedy blog. And so far only twelve people have read it. I?ve come to the realization that this blog may be more Fredo than Michael Corleone. Yet still I am undaunted, and on this, the birthday of WDIF, I?ve planned a day of celebration. Check back throughout the day as I commemorate this momentous occasion. There?ll be posts all through the day, and there may even be some birthday greetings from a few friends. More About: Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday
An Open Letter to the Guy Behind the Delivery Counter at the Passport Offic
2007-06-30 01:52:00 Dear Sir, You are an asshole. You may think that you?re not, but you?re only deluding yourself. Let me be the one to confirm it for you. You are, in fact, an asshole. I wasn?t aware, until today, that the public service had made it a policy to hire swine (the public service consists of all Government Office workers, for example, the DMV). I must say that I don?t agree with this policy. I know that it is in keeping with their main objective of being as ignorant, ill-mannered, unhelpful, uncooperative, and disobliging as possible, but I am still in disagreement with this strategy. Today, however, I saw that they have made a major break-through in assholiness (for want of a better word), and I am certain that they are very proud of you. I am positive that you will be used as a prototype for all public servants, so that they may model their appearance and behaviour after yours. It will be a tough job for them sir, since you are the perfect specimen. Not only do you have an assh... More About: Open , Letter , Open Letter , Counter , Elive
Random Thoughts
2007-06-15 19:26:00 Here are some random thoughts that I thought I thought while my uncle told me about his prostate exam. If the doctor is smiling as he puts on those rubber gloves, there are three possibilities:He knows you?re as scared as hell and he wants to torture you.He?s gay (not that there?s anything wrong with that).He?s still upset about the fact that Brokeback Mountain got screwed out of a Best Picture Oscar and decides to make you pay in the most fitting and ironic way he knows how. If you feel him looking around in there, and feel both his hands are either clearly visible or on your shoulders, it?s time to get out of his office. Fast. Is this really the only way to perform this exam? C?mon, there has to be another way. They can put a man on the moon, yet a doctor still has to stick his finger up your ass to check your prostate. I don?t believe it. I would imagine that both patients and doctors find this demeaning, but that?s just me. I don?t fancy the idea of anything being ... More About: Random Thoughts , Random , Thoughts
The world is a safer place again
2007-06-05 18:37:00 I know that this post is a few days late, but pressing circumstances prevented me from writing this sooner. You see, I was locked in my room afraid to come out, until I finally heard in the news yesterday that Paris Hilton was sent to prison and Lindsay Lohan was in rehab. The world is a safe place again?for now. And I finally feel secure enough to write again. I was looking at Food Network yesterday, and I realized that it?s impossible to look at Food Network and not get excited about food. Take Paula Deen?s show for example. Her audience cheers for butter. Forget the fact that her audience has a collective IQ below room temperature (Celsius not Fahrenheit) for a second. Their enthusiasm is endearing. Although, clapping for butter also explains why so many Americans are overweight. Then there?s Emeril Lagasse. His audience cheers for garlic. Now, they aren?t much smarter than Paula?s audience, but at least they may be healthier. Of course, the Chairman on Iron Chef takes th... More About: World , The World , Place , Safe , Lace
The Prime Minister and the Prophetess
2007-05-27 18:40:00 I found out in the news this week that country?s Prim e Minister has a Prophetess that he carries everywhere he goes, and she advises him. What. The. Fuck. (Hold on, let me dodge the lightning bolt she sent to strike me) (Hold On) (Here it comes) (Heeeee-yahhhh) (That was close) (Ok, back to work) While I?m fighting the urge to pack my bags and hop on the next dingy to Miami, I have to say, the future of this country is looking bleaker and bleaker everyday. I mean, this is the same man who told citizens to look at television instead of having sex?yes, you read right. That?s the state of family planning in Trinidad. Hell, Bernie Mac is soo sexy, that looking at him might just make people do it more. Now the PM is acting on the advice of a Prophetess. Elections are getting closer, and it looks like he?s going to be Prime Minister for another five years. With a campaign slogan like, ?A chicken in every pot and a bullet in every head?, how can he lose? This country has gone crazy... More About: Rime
Inside the Mind of a Stalker
2007-05-20 20:36:00 I mentioned in my last post that I was being stalked. Well I managed to get my hands on a video of the stalkers in action. The stalkers are led by my ex-girlfriend, hereafter referred to as Ex-gf. Here accomplices are a Neanderthal looking man ? overhanging brow, gap-toothed and an overbite resembling a Simpsons character, and his friend, hereafter called Neanderthal and Other Guy respectively. What follows is a transcript of their conversation. Neanderthal: How many times have we called so far? Other Guy: Four. [Ex-gf furrows her brow deeply and her head cocks slightly towards the ceiling. It is evident she is in deep thought] Ex-gf: [After an extended pause] That?s three and a half more than my GPA. [Neanderthal and Other Guy look at each other in disbelief] Other Guy: Why do you keep harassing him? Ex-gf: Because he wasn?t supposed to do what he did. Narf! Other Guy: What did he do? Ex-gf: He got a next girlfriend. Other Guy: But didn?t you two ... More About: Mind , Inside , Side , Stalker , The Mind
I'm Back
2007-05-13 18:09:00 Have no fear readers, I?m back. In case you?re wondering I had my final exams over the past few weeks. Another year of university is done. So now I?m home again, sporting an amazingly long Exam Beard (not to be confused with Amanda Beard, the Olympic swimmer who posed for Playboy. She?s bringing a whole new meaning to breast-stroke). My Exam Beard can put Baron Davis ?s Play-Off Beard to shame. Next to him I?ll look like an unkempt Chewbacca. Well, it?s official. I have a stalker. A crazy ex-girlfriend of mine has decided to stalk me. Why you ask. I have absolutely no idea. I guess she?s just starved for attention. Maybe she wasn?t hugged nearly enough as a child. Maybe she?s a spoiled little brat who can?t accept that things don?t always go her way. Maybe she?s crazy and delusional. Maybe her newfound friends, some of whom don?t even look like they belong in the same phylum as me, are influencing her. Maybe it?s all of the above. I just don?t know. As I write there?s a fire r... More About: Back
A Day in My Life
2007-04-02 20:35:00 I?ve decided to keep a running diary of what goes through my head on a typical day. Read at your own risk.7:30 AMAwaken by phone. I answer. No wait, that?s the AC remote. The room is even colder now. My eyes are sealed shut. The voice on the other end of the phone is a pleasant one. It?s pleading with me to wake up. I vehemently refuse.7:39 AMI concede and groggily roll of bed. The voice sounds satisfied. I stagger to the toilet. Shouldn?t have had those jalapeņos yesterday.7:50 AMDo NOT go in there! Head to the shower. Lather, rinse, repeat.8:00 AMStanding naked in front mirror. Man am I sexy! And look at the ass on me. I got some junk in the trunk. You know what?s also sexy?boobs. Man, do I love boobs.8:10 AMPop-Tarts, the breakfast of champions. I wonder whose idea it was to get the criss-cross lines on waffles. Simply genius.8:50 AMMeet my girl on the way to class. Man is she sexy.9:17AMWell this class is boring. How the hell is Complex Analysis going to help me in life anyway.... More About: Life , My Life
An Open Letter to My Neighbours
2007-03-20 15:47:00 Dear people of my neighbourhood,Now I?m a patient, reasonable, understanding, handsome man. So patient in fact, that back in day when I used to jog through the streets and you passed in your cars and I waved at you?and you tried to run me over, I didn?t say a word. I kept to myself. And yes I knew you intentionally tried to run me over, especially the old bat in the red Mazda ? I saw her floor it every time I saw her. But, being the laid-back person that I am, I never complained. I could easily have gone to her house in the night and peed in her gas-tank, but I didn?t. I got a treadmill.Not one of you shows any appreciation to me for keeping my dog in my yard at all times. Should I choose not to do this, Dogg is going to hump every bitch in the neighbourhood (don?t get excited you old bat, I meant bitches of the canine variety?stop dusting that thing off and put it away. No one wants to see that, especially Dogg). And being the virile little beast that he is, soon every puppy in the... More About: Open , Letter , Neighbours , Open Letter
Burn those Calories
2007-03-17 22:20:00 I'm very busy this weekend and I don't have time to write a new entry. Instead, I'll leave you with this tried and tested workout that I came across.Sex Workout:REMOVING CLOTHES With partner's consent... 12 calories Without partner's consent... 187 calories UNHOOKING BRA Using two calm hands... 7 calories Using one trembling hand... 36 calories ... More About: Those , Hose , Calor , Calories , Calorie
Oops! She Did It Again.
2007-03-09 21:40:00 I read an article this week that Britney Spears proclaimed herself the Anti-Christ, wrote 666 on her bald head and tried to kill herself. I don?t know whether it?s true or not, but the funny thing is I believed it without any verification. Why you ask? Because, with what we?ve been seeing from Britney recently, this is completely believable. I even believe the reports that she?s on crystal meth. I can?t put anything past her anymore. From now on, I?ll believe anything I hear about her. If I read tomorrow that the creature from Alien burst out of her, went on a rampage, killed Lindsay Lohan, made a sex tape with Paris Hilton, and is now costarring in ?The Phantom of the Opera? on Broadway with Britney, I won?t be the least bit surprised. This just proves the old saying, ?You can take the girl out the trailer park, but you can?t take the trailer park out the girl.? Did anyone see this coming when we first heard ?Baby One More Time?? I don?t think so. You know those debates you used t... More About: Again
Da Police
2007-03-04 19:47:00 This post is dedicated to an asshole disguised as a police officer (I shouldn?t call him an asshole though, that would be offensive to assholes). You see, my family called the police station on Thursday night. Constable Asshole answered, and never responded to our emergency. He proved something I suspected all along, that people enroll in the police force because they?re too stupid to work in KFC. I wish I could go back in time and smack his momma for smoking while she was pregnant. My family was in danger that night, but his sleep was more important...to protect and serve my ass. What the hell does he protect? And he sure as hell isn?t even fit enough to serve food in a fast food joint. His father should have worn a rubber. Hopefully he?s smart enough to wear one. People this ignorant shouldn?t be allowed to reproduce; it should be against the law. If I ever get into the Government I?ll call for people to be issued a permit before they can reproduce. That?ll prevent more as... More About: Police , Poli
Randomness
2007-02-18 22:29:00 Do the makers of KY know their product is an international symbol of anal sex? They certainly don?t act like it.Why don?t the lifeguards on my beach look like the ones on Baywatch?And speaking of Baywatch, why do David Hasselhoff boobs bounce as much as the female lifeguards??Since when are buttons cute?Who discovered that you can get milk from a cow?When an atheist goes to court, what book do they make him swear on? Why don?t envelope makers add flavour to the sticky part that we lick? That?s sure to be a hit.Why are there coloured condoms? Is sex so mundane that we need to add colour to make it interesting? Look it?s blue, now it?s not, look it?s blue again, now it?s not?.Why do Chinese people still use chopsticks? I?m pretty sure they?ve seen a fork.If Hilary Clinton becomes President, Bill will be the First Man.Why do some people put more effort into their weddings than their marriage?What the h... More About: Randomness , Ness
The St. Valentine?s Day Massacre
2007-02-18 17:06:00 Don?t be misled by the title, it doesn?t refer to my own Vale nti ne ?s Day experience, which was perfect. No, the massacre refers to the hunting down of unsuspecting men, by predatory women in search of a date. These predators are after expensive gifts on Valentine?s Day. And, as soon as this ?day of love? is over, the men are forgotten. Poor bastards never knew what hit them. Valentine?s Day began as a day of affection. Then those connoisseurs of love at Hallmark made it mandatory for men to give women gifts to show them if they loved them, with the price of the gift directly correlated to love (the poor bastards from the paragraph above usually get a gift in return ? the gift that keeps on giving ? a venereal disease). Failure to do so usually has dire consequences. Yes, Valentine?s Day is out of control. It?s lost its true meaning and has become one of those commercialized holidays, designed to make people spend exorbitant amounts?like Christmas. On this day, men?s actions a... More About: Massacre , Mass
Picking Up Where I Left Off
2007-01-27 03:27:00 This is my first post in quite a long time. I apologize my readers (all four of you) for that, but it wasn?t my fault. My phone hasn?t been working since my last post thanks to TSTT ? the Telecommunication Service of Trinidad and Tobago. Personally, I think it?s a stretch, in fact it?s an all out blasphemy to call them a service. I won?t go ranting and raving about TSTT?s bullshit, however. I?ve lost enough hair and enough sleep because of them. And I have a month?s worth of blogging to do in this post. Well I?m gonna try to remember that far back anyway?damn TV?ruined my memory.My cousin got married a few days before Christmas. Unfortunately (thanks to TV), I can?t recall the event in detail as I had originally planned. All I can remember is that I looked good?but, that?s not saying much since that sentence is applicable to most of the times I leave the house. I don?t mean to sound too cocky, but there are people out there who are actually trying to convince themselves that they?re... More About: Left , King , Here , Pick , Where
Odds and Ends
2006-11-19 02:03:00 I was eating dinner a few minutes ago and I made the mistake of switching the TV to VH-1, where I caught a close-up of Courtney Love. Needless to say I lose my appetite. And, had I not received a phone call from my wonderfully amazing girlfriend right after I would have lost dinner as well.Now I know some of you did a double take on that last paragraph?and yes you read correctly. I have a girlfriend. My first relationship in a year and a half. I?m taking it, in fact we?re both taking it one day at a time. After all, we?re just ordinary people, we don?t know which way to go, we?re just ordinary people, maybe we should take it slow. But like I said, she?s magically delicious. No wait, that?s my Lucky Charms. She?s wonderfully amazing, and our relationship fits all the criteria I outlined in my ?What I learned from Break-ups? post. And most importantly, this girl is super-smart, so I have to study constantly just to keep up with her. This is a good thing for me, mainly because I?m lazy... More About: Odds , Ends
Bob and Betty
More articles from this author:2006-10-08 19:57:00 Once upon a time there lived a boy named Bob and a girl called Bett y .Bob and Betty had been friends for quite a while, but recently their friendship grew into something more. At first neither had the courage to say anything to the other. And then Betty decided to come forward?and things just went downhill from there.You see, unknown to Betty, Bob was in a state of confusion. He really liked Betty but he knew they could never be together because she was leaving the country in a year and there was a good chance that he would be doing the same in two years. His feelings were spiraling out of control and although he didn?t want to lead her on, he didn?t know how not too (it was a lot more complicated than it sounds).The night that Betty told him how she felt was surreal to Bob. As he stood in the road in front of her house he felt like it was deja-vu. He had been through this before, and although this was the first girl in a long time that he had feelings for, he knew the end result wou... 1, 2 |
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