If I Was A Gecko If I Was A Gecko Everyone's favourite tri-daily quasi religion - IT'LL STOP YOU KILLING YOURSELF - An avid reader, Warrington. Articles
Be Tossed AND Blown?
2007-05-23 22:50:00 So it’s half time while watching Liverpool Vs Milan with my Liverpool supporting friend and some stranger I don’t know that I think is from Hertfordshire…. So he’s quite depressed, losing 1-0 unluckily. I told him Liverpool were doing much better and are bound to score. I don’t really think so. I don’t think they’ll score now. They’ll lose. I’m glad in a way they’re losing because one person More About: Toss
Oh Everything
2007-05-20 22:04:00 The If I Was A Gecko Supercomputer is now working again and everything is up-to-date. So I now have all my disgusting hairy dead midget porn backed up in case it happens again. Earlier I noticed a clip about hard drive damage where some bloke demonstrated how you can bash, smash and wet your hard drive and still retrieve the data. I think he spoilt the feature some what though, because when he More About: Thing
Inspirational - My Arse
2007-05-17 17:08:00 I was quite irked today when I saw a feature on an American news network emoting over some teenager who has cancer and is writing an “inspirational” blog. Firstly he was rubbish. I mean I don’t want him to die or anything, but I also don’t think he’ll die if I criticise his writing. Not so long ago If I Was A Gecko contained Infuriating Cliché OF THE DAY and I’m sure he covered them all in his More About: Inspirational , Rational , Arse
Fuckin' Asylum Seekers
2007-05-14 17:07:00 My aunt is actually really actually mental. She’s rich but refuses to spend money, she’s contemptuous but has an ASBO and she’s racist but is now in love with an Iraqi asylum seeker, 30 years her junior. She is mental. There are probably a lot better and more appropriate words to describe her but I think calling her mental is the most clear and certainly the easiest way to communicate her More About: Seek , Asylum
Towelgate
2007-05-11 14:45:00 My parents are at the age where they both gleefully attribute the other’s humorous mistakes and accidents to senile dementia. This is entertaining enough to merit a section on the sidebar of If I Was A Gecko. Usually my mother is the one most likely to be senile, but recently my dad really ruined his good form at not seeming as senile as my mother. Of course my dad totally denies that he put his
Shit Rocks
2007-05-08 17:06:00 The most fun I had this bank holiday weekend was drawing pictures in the sand in Wales with my nephew and niece. Despite sounding like a statement of total boredom, I actually did many fun things this weekend. I really love drawing elephants etcetera sand. If you don’t, I think you’re either extremely joyless or possibly…Slovakian (i.e. don’t have a coastline). I also enjoyed digging a deep hole More About: Shit , Rocks
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
2007-05-05 17:42:00 Even though it’s currently difficult to post regularly, I’ve realised that I feel compelled to post something for each date that should have a post, even if I do so retrospectively or inadequately. I find the thought of discontinuing this rather impressive chain of tri-daily posts very unsettling. So…technically this is a post…… More About: Post , Stress , Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , Raum , Order
Thumbs Up
2007-05-02 17:40:00 He didn’t say anything like, “what seems to be the problem”. He just smiled cheerfully, shook my hand like he was my number one fan and sat in silence waiting for me to speak. He was more of the jolly older doctor variety who seemed suspiciously happy working for the NHS. Nevertheless he was very nice. I regret not rehearsing how to describe my problem from a standing start, but, after a few More About: Thumb , Thumbs Up
Check Out His Ass
2007-04-29 12:35:00 I’m going to the doctor’s on Tuesday, which will almost certain result in his finger wearing my ring…...…..arse. As has been well documented, I’m not gay, so I’m not at all familiar with that particular variety of poking. Maybe I’m long overdue having my anus examined, though I’m sure they’d say that even if it wasn’t true!!!! Unless I seriously feel my existence is threatened, I tend to put off More About: Check
Family Entertainment
2007-04-26 13:06:00 There really is more to the internet than hardcore pornography. Obviously it’s mostly dominated by hardcore pornography, but I actually do miss it as a non-pornographic resource, particularly for international political news. Rereading the previous sentence, I doubt I could make myself seem any less virile if I tried. I know what you’re thinking, but I am not like John Major in the slightest. But More About: Family , Entertainment , Enter , Entertain
You, Me And The Librarian
2007-04-23 11:30:00 Due to the exhaustively over-explained digital difficulties of late, I’ve made myself uncomfortably familiar with a local library. As I write this, my thoughts are accompanied by an excellent rendition of ‘The Wheels on the Bus’. I shouldn’t have really expected anything approaching silence when I saw there was whole section of the library taken up by masses of highly designed pushchairs. More About: Libra , Librarian
Mental Dave And The Peanut
2007-04-20 11:26:00 Having already decided to articulate my views on religion, of which I have many, I accidentally wrote three short exchanges between “Dave and Nigel”, as if such people were the founders of all religions, philosophies and belief systems. I blame this compulsion on writing in a notebook; it seems to exacerbate the problem I have with digression. Sorry: Dave: Have you noticed how people are all on More About: Mental , Peanut , Menta
Good Grief
2007-04-17 14:26:00 I’d just completed the If I Was A Gecko myspace(/ifiwasagecko) page, for no reason other than to see what happens, when my laptop became so fucked that not only can I no longer use it, but I have absolutely no idea of how to resuscitate it. The only thing I knew to do was an incomprehensible diagnostic program. If weird screens and lengthy error codes weren’t bad enough, the built in BEEPiness More About: Good , Grief
Fuck The Pope
2007-04-14 21:57:00 “Prince William has split from his girlfriend Kate Middleton”, “Prince William splits from his long-term girlfriend Kate Middleton”, “Prince William’s romance with Kate Middleton was doomed when he decided to put Army life first”, “Prince William and his long-term girlfriend Kate Middleton have parted.” FUCK OFF! I really hate the inescapable repetition of something so unnewsworthy. I quite like More About: Pope , Fuck
System Restore
2007-04-11 12:48:00 I’m pretty sure the recent problem of my laptop being “a bit fucked” has been resolved or at least lessened. If I were to use a terror alert for the risk of my laptop becoming “a bit fucked”, I think it would be at elevated. Actually I might add the homeland security terror alert to If I Was A Gecko because it almost certainly always reflects the status of my laptop’s health. Even now I type with More About: System , Restore , Stem
I Want A Terrorist
2007-04-08 18:43:00 The Easter period for me has been split equally between rural recreation and consideration of curtailed crucifixions. Frankly, I’m sick of people re-enacting the crucifixion of Christ, in the name of deep spiritual heightening, in a totally diminished and undemanding fashion. I saw one particular man hyperbolise greatly about lying down on a cross and being securely and comfortable tied to it More About: Terrorist , Error
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
2007-04-05 14:25:00 The message “If you were in the middle of something, the information you were working on might be lost” really did make me feel like crying, due to the soul-destroyingly irreversible loss of what I had written to perfection. Rewriting it from the beginning came a distant second to aggressively punching something hard, but I chose to wait a bit and think of it as writing something new, something More About: Changes , Chang , Chan
50 Gates of Wisdom
2007-04-02 18:42:00 This is officially the 50th post of If I Was A Gecko. Obviously this is the ultimate in meaninglessness and insignificance, but nonetheless, like most anniversaries, I will use it as a form of self-congratulations. With that in mind WOW 50 POSTS ON THIS AMAZING BLOG-TYPE-THING, WOW THAT’S AMAZING AND SIGNIFICANT. REMEMBER THIS DAY AND TELL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN! CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU FOR HAVING More About: Wisdom , Gates
Belligerent Occupation
2007-03-30 16:01:00 Of all the tendencies of modern human behaviour, the tendency for people to have their minds constantly occupied by worthlessly compulsive forms of entertainment is the most irksome. The home of my niece and nephew is a prime example of the perils of a worthlessly compulsive subsistence. My nephew is particularly addicted to the perpetual cerebral occupation of repeated TV and simulated More About: Rent , Patio , Gere
The Devil’s Advocaat
2007-03-27 03:17:00 I’m not sure if you sense it at all by reading this blog, but I always tend to challenge people when they stick their opinion out proudly. Obviously people just think I’m an annoying prick, but I just have the innate preposition of acting as Devil ’s advocate. Obviously to say Devil’s advocaat is just silliness. There is absolutely no fucking way Satan would enjoy a rich and creamy Dutch liqueur More About: The D , The Devil
Everybody Dice
2007-03-21 13:55:00 I had a appallingly horrible moment this evening. I was sitting on a chair, like you do, and then...I realised...I was watching Eastenders. Yes, horrific. I was immediate in my efforts to avoid further trauma and the possibility of irreversible affects and stoop up. Incredibly that wasn’t the notable part, it got worse. I had been sitting on my foot and it was so numb that I feel over in the most More About: Dice , Everybody
Ba Da Ba Ba Ba I'm Lovin' Sweet Vermouth
2007-03-18 02:35:00 But what actually is IT? I think my hair is IT sometimes. It does look so seventies that people feel bewildered sharing a room with it. But at least I don’t think having a man bag is IT. It really isn’t a problem having 20 pockets stuffed full with various paraphernalia. In fact it can be rather exciting, SO THERE. For example, I have a £10 note in my back pocket, right now as I type, and I know More About: Sweet
I Want A Crowbar
2007-03-16 00:54:00 Compassion is quite a perilous enterprise. It's difficult to be certain it actually exists, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist independently. It would be nice if there was an innate compulsion to care without motive, but innate selfishness is surely the King of motivating compassion. The usual companions of selfishness, guilt, moral competition or self-righteousness, tend to exacerbate my More About: Crowbar
<a><Bit>Unnecessary<!>
2007-03-09 20:16:00 Like a tart, I now have this site brazenly advertised, using a proper advertising banner on some “interesting” people’s websites. If you’re extremely sadistic, you may wish to direct people to this side using a garish, yet alluringly colourful banner. The magic html code you'll need to add is: <a href="http://ifiwasagecko.blogspot.com/"& gt;<img border="0" alt="Guaranteed to enhance your life.
2 King
2006-12-19 20:17:00 So my nephew has now refined his swearing to contain just one word. Unfortunately he chose the word “fuck” and frequents it at any opportunity. Though he does have ways of partially swearing. The main two methods are, the classic, semi-audible under breathe swear and a method expelling a rather loud “FU..” but with the “..UK” left in abeyance. He really feels ‘fuck’ creates instant ovation and More About: King |
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