Tales From My Tiny KingdomTales From My Tiny KingdomWhat happens when the tooth fairy gets drunk? How does a mother who grew up with sisters tell her son about sex? How do you get revenge on a babysitter stealer? Does your kid have burning buttocks? All this and more at the Tiny Kingdom! Articles
Freak Show: Boys Who Read
2007-07-30 19:57:00 I’m feeling smug because although we’ve packed bathing suits, sunscreen, bikes, tennis rackets and thousands of board games to ward off rain, my boys have realized that packing beach books is as necessary as packing underwear. For a while Drew was stuck on the Magic Treehouse books and he steadily read through the series until he ... More About: Book Reviews , Show , Read , Freak , Boys
Now Taking Complaints
2007-07-26 22:56:00 Few things turn me into a crazed, hair-pulling shrew more quickly than having to place a call to “customer service.” I know I’m not alone here. I thought it would be therapeutic if we all shared some tales of hellacious experiences, complete with names and details. I’ll go first. 1. The Horrifying Chutzpah of CreditReport.com or Supervisor? What ... More About: Taking
We Love New York
2007-07-23 17:24:00 The promise of naked ladies is a powerful draw for the boys, so we’re off to the Museum of Modern Art as soon as the rain lets up. We arrived in NYC Friday. Thank God we packed a soccer ball, because Bill and the boys have spent hours in the Park passing it and practicing killer ... More About: Love , New York , York , New-York
Presenting YO MAMA!
2007-07-19 03:22:00 Here’s the premiere of YO MAMA, the first ever Glamore-Us movie. It does have sound, so be careful at work. No animals were harmed in the making of this film, although we almost had to kill Porter during filming. He drank a Grapico while waiting for me at Jazzercise the morning of the shoot, and the sugar ... More About: Mama , Presenting , Yo mama , Resent
Incongruous
2007-07-17 16:25:00 We bought Drew a short-scale bass today (it’s smaller than a regular bass guitar), but he’ll have to keep taking piano keyboard lessons until he grows a little more. That will give him time to noodle around on it, though, and figure out some cool sounds. Now that Finn’s proficient on the drums, Porter’s messing with ...
Explicit Knowledge
2007-07-15 23:33:00 My son: “Daddy, sometimes does your penis get stiff and tall and then go back down?” Bill: “Um, yes. Yes, sometimes my penis does that.” My son: “Did you know I can make mine do that on purpose?” Bill: “Really?” My son: “Yep. It’s easy. You just hump a pillow. [Brother’s name deleted] told me that. You should try ... More About: Knowledge
Finn Chases A Dream
2007-07-12 04:36:00 Finn is almost as obsessed with triathlons as Bill is. He’s done several kids’ triathlons, and he’s participated in adult-distance races as part of a relay team. One of my friends’ daughters, Allie, does the swim, Finn bikes, and another boy handles the run. Allie is a wildcat. She has big blue eyes and knows no ... More About: Sports , Dream , Out Of Control , Hase
A Mother?s Dilemma
2007-07-10 04:08:00 Porter generally has little desire for privacy, so I was shocked to see a sign on his door this morning. I wanted to respect his boundaries. After all, there are times when I want people to KEEP OUT and I say, “I am going to lie down for fifteen minutes. DO NOT DISTURB ME.” It was the ... More About: Mother , Dilemma , Emma , Dile
Where?d This Cooking Blog Come From?
2007-07-09 00:09:00 When I was writing about the twins looking up cuss words in the dictionary I mentioned that I was making Chipotle Chicken on Corn Cakes for dinner and everyone freaked out. I had NO IDEA everyone would salivate at the mention of our dinner and then send emails pleading for the recipe. It’s ironic that I ... More About: Cooking , Blog , Where , Cookin
Get Off Your Donkey
2007-07-03 04:09:00 I chugged a celebratory gin and tonic when it was clear that all three of my boys were able to read by themselves. No more fumbling for a reasonable explanation as to why “cough” doesn’t rhyme with “enough.” On crotchety days I could screech, “Get out of here and go read a book!” Best of ... More About: Parenting , Now What , Donkey
Testosterone Central
2007-06-29 03:12:00 I feel as if I’m living in a frat house, not the suburbs. I picked Finn and Drew up from camp Tuesday and although they spent the next two days washing the foul-smelling contents of their trunks, that hasn’t been enough to domesticate them. They’re chanting at the table: Porter: “I’m still hungry.” Finn: “Mora mora!” Drew: “Bora bora!” In ... More About: Testosterone , Central
The Simple Squalid Water Pumper
2007-06-27 18:03:00 The extreme drought conditions are making things tough on everyone. The grass is brown and crispy. Carwashes are closed. Our city has received 16 inches less than normal rainfall for the year if I’m reading the local weather station correctly. Don’t take my word for it: French blue hydrangeas my mother gave me dying of dehydration Patch of ... More About: Water , Simple , Pump
Twin Tales Proved True: A Look Back
2007-06-24 23:20:00 Sure, I’m prone to exaggeration but most of what I say is fairly accurate, no matter what the Voice of Reason and Bill believe. I have long been telling the boys stories about things they did when they were little, and Bill has doubted my veracity each time. This weekend I was working on a project ... More About: Back , Tales , Blast from the Past , Now What , True
Our House Is A Killing Field
2007-06-21 15:14:00 A crawfish and two goldfish joined our household this week. Bill won $30 and the goldfish in Bingo, and while Porter was pleased, it’s my belief that an animal should be considered a punishment, not a prize, no matter how innocuous it may be. I was peeved. However, I put on a happy face and ... More About: House , Blast from the Past , Kill , Field , Ouse
Old Bathwater
2007-06-19 18:03:00 Looks like I can quit forcing Porter to haul buckets of dirty bathwater outside to pour on my perennials, for the moment at least, because it’s raining. Unfortunately, the paper says it’s not going to rain much, and we’re still under Stage Three drought watering restrictions. We can water by hand every Tuesday and Friday before ...
The Wheelbarrow of Love
2007-06-15 20:49:00 Until yesterday, you would have been justified in calling us white trash. We’d had a green wheelbarrow full of rocks and weeds sitting in the corner of our driveway for at least a year, visible to everyone who drove by. Pieces of industrial plastic were embedded under the rocks and protruded awkwardly from the sides. ... More About: Love , Barr , Wheel , Elba , Heel
Sardines and Songs: Off To Camp
2007-06-13 01:25:00 Sardines will stink up a minivan instantly, I discovered when the boys and I loaded up to haul Drew and Finn to camp. We had driven four or five inches down the driveway before I noticed the fishy smell and stopped. A hurried investigation revealed that Porter had eaten sardines for lunch, and we all ... More About: Sports , Songs , Camp , Sard
Bad Bride
2007-06-08 17:42:00 People generally write in to ask me parenting questions, and I am full of nifty solutions like sprinkling baby powder on your eight-year-old’s butt to induce sleep. I was surprised to receive the following email on a different topic altogether: Anne: I am getting married in 33 days. Any advice on getting through that ... More About: Deep Thoughts , Bride
Penguin Fillets
2007-06-04 20:37:00 “We’re eating sardines and making brownies for a lemonade stand,” Bill reported when he called. I wasn’t surprised by either activity. Summer is only a week old, and profits and penguins have emerged as the major topics of conversation and activity thus far. The boys have set up increasingly complex lemonade stands each day. Their first ... More About: Penguin , Guin
Training Session: Snack Food Storage
2007-05-29 15:42:00 Session One: Famous Amos Cookies Bill led a grueling session on opening a bag of cookies, placing the cookies into a Ziplock bag, and, crucially, pulling the white plastic zipper firmly from one end of the bag to the other to ensure that the bag is completely closed and the cookies will stay fresh. Each boy ... More About: Food , Training , Storage , Snack , Sion
Preparing For The Enemy
2007-05-25 18:52:00 The twins aren’t relaxing their guard just because school ends today. Our house is a notorious girl-haters headquarters, as least where the eight-year-olds are concerned. That doesn’t mean some pesky females and their cooties won’t sneak over and try to kiss someone. Those girls will smooch anyone, I’m told. After school yesterday, Drew and Porter commenced ... More About: Enemy , The Enemy , Prep
Boring Blogger Has Career Day Envy
2007-05-23 15:22:00 Getting a compliment from a sixth-grader is the highest form of flattery, so I was thrilled when a close friend’s daughter asked me to talk about writing at her school’s Career Day. Although I’ve never given this type of talk to twelve-year-olds before, I’ve done it in front of several adult audiences, and I figured ... More About: Blogger , Envy , Logger , Blogg
I Lied When I Said It Would Be Fun
2007-05-21 15:45:00 I christened this past weekend The Immaculate Glamore Home Extravaganza! and publicized it well in advance. I bought real Cokes for the boys to drink in honor of the occasion, although in general I’m violently opposed to the consumption of sugary carbonated beverages. As a final touch, I rigged up the iPod and speakers to ... More About: Would , Said , Lied
Follow (Some Of) Your Dreams!
2007-05-16 23:31:00 We’ve raised the boys to believe they can grow up to be anything they want, as long as they work hard, get plenty of sleep and don’t overdose on Froot Loops and Sprite first. That’s why it was disconcerting for me to hear the following exchange while I was eavesdropping on the twins’ bath: Drew: “When I ... More About: Dreams , Parenting , Now What , Some
In Which Bill Is Assaulted By Hyperbole
2007-05-14 15:38:00 Last night after all the boys were in bed Bill went through his usual routine of locking the doors and turning off the lights. As he stopped to check the thermostat, Finn moaned from his room, “Dad, it’s broiling in here. You’ve got to turn the air conditioner on more or I’m not going to be ... More About: Hyper , Saul
Marathon Mom?s Airport Adventure
2007-05-03 14:49:00 She irritated him the first time they met. They were both at the airport, sitting next to each other at the shoeshine stall. She carelessly set down her coffee, which spilled and splattered all over his new cell phone. She apologized, and he accepted but didn’t mean it. Later they eyed each other warily across the ... More About: Adventure , Airport , Marathon , Vent , Mara
Sergeant Mom Gets Mushy
2007-04-30 15:31:00 I’ve spent the better part of the last five years in the role of domestic drill sergeant over my boys: “Stop! Who goes through that doorway first- you or a lady?” “What would be a better way to ask for that? Remember the word ‘please?’ Moms really like to hear it.” “Why is ... More About: Deep Thoughts , Gets , Mush
Depressing Thought Of The Day
2007-04-25 19:34:00 I used to feel like Calvin. Now I empathize with his mom. Damn, I’m old. More About: Thought , Sing , The D , Depressing
What?s A ?Hoo? And Other Thoughts
2007-04-23 15:14:00 In my last post I showed Beta Bridge painted with the sentiment “Hoos For Hokies” which is the University of Virginia’s way of expressing support for Virginia Tech during this tragic time. This raised the inevitable question: What’s a ‘Hoo? I’ll quote from the paper of record at the U, the Cavalier Daily: “WAHOOS? What the heck ... More About: Thoughts , Thought
Hoos For Hokies
More articles from this author:2007-04-20 23:03:00 As an alumnus of the University of Virginia, I wanted to pass on the message painted on Beta Bridge which pretty much sums it up: More About: Hokies 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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