Tales From My Tiny Kingdom

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Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Days Before Doorknob
2007-04-19 22:53:00
I was making up the bed and I let out a muffled, feminine poot. “Safety!” I shouted reflexively, before I realized that Bill was at work, the boys were at school, and my toot wasn’t placing me in physical danger. In the days before Door knob, flatulence was followed by an “excuse me” or the proclamation, “I farted!” ...
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The Penis Project & More
2007-04-16 15:17:00
There’s been lots of talk about sex around the Glamore house this week, mainly by me. I’ve been reading Strong Mothers, Strong Sons, which says that boys approaching adolescence should be told everything their parents know about puberty. I thought I did a fabulous job of giving Finn a technically descriptive, exhaustive sex ...
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Birth Of Two Salesmen
2007-04-10 18:00:00
Few events inspire more joy than entering the den to find your sofa has been turned into a marketplace where you can purchase the Easter candy you gave your children the day before at a nifty 300% markup.
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It?s Official: Eye?m Old
2007-04-09 04:26:00
I’ve been forty for barely a month now.  I’ve always devoted considerable energy to keeping myself fit and healthy. I Jazzercise.  I don’t smoke.  I eat fish.  I learned that you should take fish oil capsules at night unless you want to taste tuna fish burps all day.  When sexy television doctor Sanjay Gupta warned me ...
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Splash
2007-04-07 20:08:00
Four years ago the boys and Bill would hang out in the driveway doing this: We’d consider that the bath for the day.  Good times.
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How An Eight-Year-Old Views The World
2007-04-05 00:40:00
The Tiny Kingdom Museum of Art is pleased to unveil its latest exhibit, “HOW AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD VIEWS THE WORLD.” The photographs were taken by the emerging star Porter Glamore, and document his unique insight into Lisbon, Portugal. Using an inexpensive camera he received for Christmas, the young photographer set out to take as ...
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Barnacles: Why You Should Eat Your Food, Not Google It
2007-04-02 15:42:00
I don’t remember who advised us that barnacles were a Portuguese delicacy, but if you tell the Glamores about a wacky food you can count on us to taste it.  We announced our intention to feast on barnacles to anyone in the Tiny Kingdom who asked about our trip, and we speculated about barnacles the ...
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Blast From The Past: Potty-Training Nomad-Style
2007-03-28 17:03:00
Discouraging potty humor rather than dealing with potty training is our primary focus now, and my memories of teaching Finn to use the toilet are vague. Not so with the twins. I don’t remember when it started, but one morning we woke to find the duo in their cribs naked from the belly button down. ...
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No Class
2007-03-25 22:43:00
We were seated in first class on our flight from Atlanta to Newark on our way to Portugal.  The boys were ecstatic and I took (undeserved) credit for the situation because I had spent a lot of time chatting up the Delta agent as we both tried to make sure that our family and our ...
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Letter From Lisbon
2007-03-20 23:08:00
We’re in Lisbon , Portugal, and so far I’ve learned a lot of Portuguese, which is a combination of many languages so you can pretty much use all your French, Italian and Spanish and make yourself understood. It has actually been harder to learn to use the European keyboard on the computer here and this ...
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Thong Gone Wrong
2007-03-16 16:13:00
My fortieth birthday got lost in all the hoopla about the Writer’s Conference, the stuffed rat squirrel, and my discovery that I’d inadvertently bought Finn sexually suggestive body wash. It may have been unnoticed here, but it was fabulously acknowledged in real life. Bill threw a party, all my best friends were invited, and I ...
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Schickel Insults Blogs; Melee Ensues
2007-03-13 03:42:00
The last thing I expected to report from the Writing Today conference was that I was lured into a public SMACKDOWN over the value of blogs and blogging by Richard Schick el, film critic for Time magazine and author of many movie-related books. Mr. Schickel gave the keynote speech during Friday’s lunch. There was a moment ...
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Writer?s Conference Links
2007-03-10 14:28:02
FROM BLOGGING TO BOOK CONTRACT 1. WHAT IS A BLOG Tales From My Tiny Kingdom to show elements Probably the most well-known mommy-blogger (though she wasn’t a mommy when she started) Dooce Variety of bloggers Some mommy and daddy bloggers - though they write about much more Rice Daddies MetroDad Rockstar Mommy, Motherhood Uncensored Girl’s Gone Child 2. HOW I STARTED BLOGGING The article my friend emailed me that started it all. Typepad hosted his friend’s blog. Maybe Oprah would be surfing and laugh about “The Naked Baby Kidnapping Caper” and she’d show it to Stedman, and then Gayle, and next thing you know everyone in America would be tuned in. Important to practice writing and also to read: Book Reviews Virtual Book Club Meeting # 7 3. HOW TO START A BLOG - Things To Consider Host Design - Indigo Girl Examples of good design: Waiter Rant A Little Pregnant Laid Off Dad Bitch Phd Title: Funny and Self-explanatory BusyMom Breed ‘Em And...
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The Boulder On My Shoulder
2007-03-10 14:28:02
I was standing in a lengthy line for the ladies’ room. I had to pee so bad I was crossing my legs and standing on my tip-toes, cursing the extra cup of coffee I’d had.   The door to the men’s room opened, and a man walked out.  I looked at the pregnant woman behind me. “I’ll watch the door for you if you want to use the other restroom,” I offered. She dashed inside. A pudgy teen ambled up to the men’s restroom.  “Someone’s in there,” I volunteered. He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall.  His jeans drooped below his waist and puddled over his shoes.  His hair was kinky-curly and obscured most of his face.  The Circle Jerks design on his t shirt was so faded I could barely make it out. The bathroom door opened and the pregnant woman came out.  “Thanks,” she said. “Apparently your big belly interferes with your ability to read,” the teenager sneered, as he rudely pushed passed her. I was in shoc...
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Why There?s No Post Today
2007-03-10 14:28:02
Events of yesterday damn near killed me. Thank God for gin and tonic. Car wouldn’t start, so late for Bible Study. 66% of boys in trouble, ranging from mild to severe. Sudden growth spurt resulting in dearth of pants that fit; sent boys to school in flood pants. Upcoming speech. Humongous pimple threatening to reveal itself, spoiling my image as witty,artsy, acne-free blogger at event. Twinsanity happily playing Science Lab under house. Me so pleased they were being creative although they used copious amounts of baking soda and vinegar and drained my bottle of Tabasco. Later the strong smell of gasoline alerted me to fact they were but a step away from playing with fire and the imminent explosion they were enthusiatically planning was not wishful thinking. Dog from hell (who, admittedly, has been improving,) pissed on den carpet. Lectured duo on dangers of gasoline and confirmed that I had given that speech in the past and where the hell did they get gasoline anyway, burn...
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Stormy Inside And Out
2007-03-02 02:25:02
It’s spooky outside. The sky is pale and the air is warm and still, punctuated by sharp blasts of wind. The television blares announcements and warnings. Schools are getting out early in advance of the bad weather bearing down upon us. Conditions are ripe for severe tornadoes like the F5 that hit just west of us one night in April 1998. Thirty-two-people were killed. I was pregnant with the twins, and Finn was two. Bill herded our dogs into the damp unfinished basement and where we huddled uncomfortably. Finn kept slipping off my rounded belly as I sat in a moldy lawn chair. At one point Bill grabbed a golf club and brought it down sharply behind my head. I turned and saw a severed snake, the ends still wiggling. Tornadoes here take a predictable track, and that one stayed on the ground for a long time. We listened to the radio as it hit the counties southwest of us and continued toward us. I remember the sheriff of one town saying, “In the morning when we can...
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What To Buy? Don?t Axe Me
2007-02-28 08:23:01
I thought I was an expert mom, maybe one of the savviest in the Kingdom, but this week I failed Pre-Teen Toiletries 101. Parenting is complicated, but generally when you tackle a topic you know what to focus on. If you’re purchasing a book for a child, you make sure the subject matter is captivating and of the appropriate age level. Drew loves The Magic Tree House books; Porter prefers Geronimo Stilton and books about inventions. When it’s time to buy clothes, you account for each boys’ personal idiosyncrasies. Finn likes layers. Drew disappears in white. Porter wears anything soft. All boys (or at least those I smell) begin to reek within moments of stepping out of the shower. My job when buying their toiletries, particularly with eleven-year-old Finn, is to identify the products that will maintain his clear complexion, enable his shaggy hair to look cared for, prevent his pits from smelling, and reduce the overall stench that inevitably adheres to him. He...
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In Which I Multi-Task, Announce Exciting News, And Open The Floor For Quest
2007-02-24 08:20:05
The closer I get to forty, the greater my ability to multi-task. Yesterday between four and ten I colored my hair myself and added highlights, made oatmeal bread, kept up with the Anna Nicole debacle, paid bills, gave each boy individual attention, prepared dinner, washed and dried three loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen and caught the results of American Idol. It wasn’t always pretty, but sometimes you must sacrifice beauty for efficiency. An experienced colorist/baker feeds the children and applies the first layer of color while the loaves rise, then rinses and paints on highlights while they bake. A skilled photographer would have made this a more focused picture, but surely you can see the toothpaste-like streaks of white bleach in my hair as well as the unbleached flour dusting the aromatic loaves. Many of you may be surprised to know that I didn’t intend to be a blogger. In fact, when I wrote my first entry a little over two years ago, my goal was simply to...
More About: News , Open , Multi , Citi , Quest

No More Squirrels If You Help Me Raise My Self Esteem
2007-02-22 20:18:02
Hey– I want to to be a Top Momma.  It would get my mind off the root canal, the broken arm, the fever virus, and so much more. Click here to vote for me! If it makes you feel better, notice this doesn’t say Best Mama, so you can vote in good conscience. AG
More About: Self Esteem , Self , Help , Help Me , Squirrels

I Knew I Was In Alabama
2007-02-22 20:18:02
At Jazzercise many of my fellow exercisers were decked out in red and white in honor of Valentine’s Day. The woman in front of me even wore perky red socks speckled with vibrant multicolored hearts and a red and white polka-dotted ribbon in her hair. It’s February. Football season ended months ago in other parts of the world. But red and white, coincidentally, are the colors of the University of Alabama , arch rival of Auburn University. Fanatic supporters couldn’t let the wearing of the enemy’s colors go unchallenged– even in the name of love– and so there were also women resolutely outfitted in Auburn’s orange and blue. I think their kicks were slightly more menacing, too. That’s one way I knew I was in Alabama. There were minuscule flakes of snow twirling from the sky. It was cold enough that a few piled on the roof and formed a tiny patch of white. The boys talked excitedly about buying sleds and going ice skating. I was ab...
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Nervous Life With Males
2007-02-22 20:18:02
When you give birth to your third boy and know that you are done having children and will be surrounded by swaggering penises for the foreseeable future, you can make certain general assumptions. Trucks, not tiaras. Blue, not pink. Mud, not icing. Scribble-scrabble, not coloring within the lines. Fart jokes. Booger jokes. Butt jokes. Barf jokes. As the babies get older, you find out that your bed is primarily a receptacle for boyish pranks. You never get in without cautiously sweeping a hand under the sheets to see what might be under there: a plastic spider, a rubber chicken, a greasy corncob, or a prickly pine cone (this after a showing of The Sound Of Music). A good mother then finishes her nightly toilette, makes sure her nightclothes completely cover her underwear* and slides into bed. After a moment (during which there will be excited whispers from the hall) she must emit a series of piercing screams and spring from the bed, while her boys run to her, shrieking with ...
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Where All Our Money Went
2007-02-22 20:18:02
“Freeze Frame” is one of the worst songs ever recorded. It’s obnoxious and generates an earworm that chases you around all day. And so when our instructor played it at Jazzercise earlier this week and my tooth started hurting, I blamed the music. But the next day I was dreamily gyrating along with Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” and thinking that “to the left to the left, everything you own in the box to the left” would constitute the perfect instructions to Porter to clean his chaotic room, when an exquisite pain shot up my eyetooth and reverberated inside my nostril. I couldn’t blame this on the J. Geils band and I left Jazzercise and headed straight to the dentist. To underscore the severity of the situation, let me emphasize that I’d rather plop my feet in the stirrups and spread my legs for a gynecologist brandishing a cold speculum than open my mouth for a drill-wielding dentist. I miss Jazzercise only in extreme circu...
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George W. and Porter: BFF!
2007-02-22 20:18:02
Porter and George Bush have become pen pals. Imagine my dismay when I found out. You’ll recall that I was worried about Porter’s actions earlier this fall, when I feared he was spying for the government. Now I have proof he’s gone even farther and is writing the President directly. So far the President’s correspondence hasn’t made him appear any smarter than his speeches or actions do. Porter first wrote W. before Christmas. I was dimly aware of the activity but refused to encourage it. Bill was the one who located the stamp and wrote out the White House address for Porter to copy. Dear President Bush When is your Birthday? My Birthday is August 14 I have a twin too. Do you go for Auburn or Alabama? I go for Auburn! Merry Chistmas! December, 19 2006 Love, Porter I’ll say one thing– George wasted no time mailing a reply. In fact, his spies were watching our house so closely that his answer was apparently typed before Porter’s n...
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Why I Don?t Get More Done
2007-02-22 20:18:02
Today’s Email to all three teachers: To: Glamore Kids’ Teachers From: Anne Glamore Re: Assorted Illnesses and Absences E: Please excuse Finn’s absence yesterday. Once again, he was snotty and runny. If I didn’t know his (alleged) stance on kissing, I’d think all the kids were smooching and spreading all their germs around. Have you checked to see whether they’re really going to the bathroom when they ask for a hall pass? C: Please excuse Drew’s absence today; he broke his elbow yesterday afternoon. He’s going to the orthopedist today. You know how skinny his arms are; it was just a matter of time until this happened. K: Porter is fine today, but I have no idea whether his homework is done because I had to leave him and Finn at home to rush Drew to the emergency room. He may be dirty for the same reason. He was asleep by the time I got home. He and Drew will finally be getting their braces fixed next week. I’ll have to check ...
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Virtual Book Club Meeting #7
2007-02-22 20:18:02
It’s been ages since I hosted book club. I apologize. I’ll get right to it, because I’ve read some wonderful books recently. (If you’ve missed the last meeting, click on the “Book Reviews” tag at the top of this post and you can see them all. Don’t neglect the comments; readers always have great suggestions. None of my posts from iVillage days have comments because the comments stayed with iVillage, so if you recommended a book then you may want to re-suggest it here.) I. BOOK CLUBBY BOOKS I’ve read three books recently that are very different, but which were each captivating in their own way. Name All the Animals: A Memoir by Alison Smith is a memoir, and it’s a devastating one. The author lost her brother in an accident when she was fifteen and he was eighteen. The accident happens quickly; the story is about her family’s struggles after his death, and her memories of their childhood. Smith’s writing is simple and p...
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I Talk To Grownups And They Listen
2007-02-22 20:18:02
Yesterday I was hurled back into the business world, and it was a thrilling experience. My father-in-law’s Rotary Club invited me to talk about blogging and my blog in general. I haven’t practiced law in over a year. When I did, I gave speeches on a regular basis. Having the chance to talk to people who would actually listen without breaking in to say, “Mom, Porter is feeding the dog Trix and that’s the only cereal I like for breakfast” and who’d ask questions I could actually answer, instead of “Why is France part of Europe? How do you say ‘I need a bagel” in Morse code?’ or Can you give me a fouteen dollar bill for these ones?” promised to be fulfilling. I am facing a disturbing birthday next month, and have been vigorously applying creams and lotions to my body in an attempt to look 35, or even 38. I don’t say this as a plea for gifts or compliments. Instead, it’s that when I say my audience was not exa...
More About: List , Talk , They , Listen , Grow

To Moan Or Not To Moan, That Was The Question
2007-02-22 20:18:02
I’m a spa novice, so when Bill booked us for massages this weekend as a Valentine/birthday extravaganza I anticipated a memorable experience. Bill had told me to take full advantage of the facilities– to shower, to take a steam, to soak if there was a jacuzzi. We checked in well ahead of our appointments and a woman led us down a short hall. She pointed at a candlelit room and said, “When you have changed into your robe, come rest in the Serenity Lounge where your therapist will meet you. You can enjoy our four teas, representing fire, water, earth and air.” I raised my eyebrows at Bill, who nodded approvingly, and we padded down the hall and parted ways at the locker rooms. The room had showers, toilets, a steam room and lockers. The counters were lined with immaculate rows of pastel-colored bath products: turquoise body wash, pea green shampoo, lilac conditioner and buttercup lotion. Investigating further, I found styling gel, razors, deodorant, brushe...
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Here Comes Forty
2007-02-22 20:18:02
I inherited my mom’s shapely legs.  Every year I won the award for “Best Looking Legs” at the high school dance team’s gala.  On its face that’s a superficial award.  However, for a teenager who had spent the previous years wearing a variety of back braces and still required spine surgery for scoliosis, it was thrilling to recognize that there was something attractive about my scarred body. When I was pregnant, I acquired another of my mom’s traits, but this one wasn’t so alluring.  Purplish spider veins popped out on my legs, with a big clump located over my left knee.  This area was tender to touch and I looked like Bill had been beating me in odd places. “No worries,” said my ever-cheerful mother.  “I have a doctor who can zap those suckers with a little saline and they’ll be gone!” I resisted at first.  Wasn’t I supposed to love my body as it is: big feet, tiny bosoms, fireplug nipples, scar from neck ...
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