Tales From My Tiny Kingdom

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Wallowing in Awesome
2008-05-09 15:43:00
Urine sprinkles on the floor. Smelly cleats. Towels strewn about the bathroom. Boys looking for “lost” items, like the copy of Diary of a Wimpy Kid that’s in the middle of the floor. I almost fell over it. The endless runs to Publix. The five gallons of milk per week. The chopping, peeling, sauteeing, baking and stirring, followed by, “What are these little green things in here?” The pants that fit a month ago that now come to the top of the ankles, and then only if they are pulled precariously low on the waist. The shirts stained with blood, bleach, paint, grass and mysterious substances. The reminders. “Did you brush your teeth? Is your retainer in? Did you feed the bird? Are the dirty clothes in the laundry hamper? When that dog dies of starvation, you’ll be the one crying, not me.” The threats. “If you don’t eat that sliver of Brussels sprout you won’t see a scoop of ice cream until 2012. When I say p...
More About: Awesome

You Can Read Me Now
2008-05-07 17:31:00
In print! In a book! I’ve never hidden the fact that I originally began blogging as a way to discipline myself to write on a regular basis. My hope was that my writing would improve and I’d get some exposure. Maybe I’d even get published. Three and a half years (and over 400 columns later) ...
More About: Book Reviews , Read

Crawfish Boil: Hot!
2008-05-05 19:50:00
We’re all about music festivals, so Saturday our family headed downtown to the Crawfish Boil and saw Flo Rida, Gavin deGraw, and Fergie. I don’t know that I’ve discussed the rap music phenomenon since I published the video of Drew and me trying to do the Soulja Boy dance. In a word, Finn continues ...

LBR
2008-05-03 19:59:00
Bill pointed out that “LBR” doesn’t have to be an insult.  It could also stand for “Legs, Breasts, Rump” and used to describe your lady. “Dude, my wife is smokin’ hot!  When she comes in the room, she brings the LBR.”

Feathers Friday: Lend Me A Hand
2008-05-02 18:39:00
I realized Porter and Feathers share a special ability to communicate when Porter just sensed that Feathers couldn’t reach the annoying itch right there in the small of her back. Thank God he had precisely the right the tool to help her out. No lady would want those nasty fingernails touching her ...
More About: Friday , Hand , Lend

Chow Chat
2008-05-01 04:32:00
We were eating dinner and it was Porter’s turn to draw a card from Table Topics. “Where would you rather live, the mountains or the beach?” he read. “That’s easy,” Porter said, tucking the card back into the box. “We should live in the mountains because there are too many tsunamis at the ocean.” “What ...
More About: Chat , Chow

Drew and Porter Recommend
2008-04-29 02:22:00
The boys have discovered some popular new books and toys I thought I’d pass along in case you’re looking for ideas. If you’d told me both of my third-graders would be devouring Beowulf, I’d have told you that my boys are not child prodigies, and that you had us confused with another family. Maybe one ...
More About: Book Reviews , Porter , Drew

Feathers Friday: Out To Sea
2008-04-25 15:27:00
I don’t know of many parakeets who are lucky enough to get private sailing lessons. Yet Feathers holds such an exalted place of honor in our house that damn the cost, she merits a boat and a large body of water in which to maneuver. Porter thoughtfully provided a Hot Wheels racetrack as a nearby ...
More About: Friday

Venn Diagram: Soccer and Society
2008-04-23 15:18:00
It’s been a while since I did a Venn diagram for you, and I’m not sure I can end it all with a penis joke as I did last time. I’ll let my subconscious work on that while I relate the thought-provoking details of this weekend’s soccer extravaganza. There was a lot of soccer played ...
More About: Society , Sports , Soccer , Blast from the Past , Out Of Control

Haiku Me!
2008-04-18 15:42:00
I rarely win things, but I’ve been named a finalist over at Rocks in my Dryer in the Haiku about my mom contest. Am I the only one whose mother haunts me about my haircolor? You should hear what my dead grandmother whispers in my ear every time I pop a piece of chewing gum ...

Feathers Friday (on Thursday) - Olympic Version
2008-04-17 15:34:00
The Olympic torch relay has been marred by crowds, protests over human rights, and general pandemonium. That describes the Glamore house on a daily basis, but we don’t have the huge flames, publicity and the massive police presence. I’m able to handle all of the above solo, through sometimes I resort to calling ...
More About: Friday , Thursday , Feathers , Version

All For One
2008-04-15 15:23:00
The other day Porter came home from school crying. “Drew and Jay are always making fun of me and I can’t take it anymore,” he said. Although they’re in the same grade, Drew and Porter have always been in separate classes, and pretty much maintain distinct groups of friends. Drew has been spending lots of time ...
More About: Parenting , Deep Thoughts , Now What , Ovarian Cancer

Eggs ?n Ovaries
2008-04-14 15:30:00
My mom died suddenly two and a half years ago . She’d just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her cancer was quite advanced by the time it was detected, which is too often the case. I guess people who haven’t lost a parent think I should “be over it,” but the truth is ...
More About: Eggs , Deep Thoughts , Ovarian Cancer , Ovaries

Fabulous Feathers In Her Boudoir
2008-04-09 16:01:00
So many of you have been pestering me about the oddest topic. How does Feathers stay so fresh and shiny? you ask. Her coloring is breathtaking, but it’s clear that there is personal grooming at work, too. Frankly, it’s been a mystery to me, too, as anything that enters Porter’s room inevitably leaves the ...

In Which I?m All Doocey
2008-04-07 00:18:00
For the longest time my front porch has been decorated only with three crinkly dead plants and a disintegrating doormat, and the front door has red mud handprints made by boys who paw the door while trying to grasp the door handle. Yesterday I tossed the plantings of death and went to the local garden shop ...
More About: Southern Comfort

Scenes From The Ballpark
2008-04-04 04:46:00
I found myself watching Finn’s baseball game solo for the first three innings last night. Bill was with Drew and Porter at soccer practice. This year I’ve been running about ten minutes late to every game, and that is no big deal unless your son is the starting pitcher. I’ve had no reason ...
More About: Sports , Baseball , Scenes , Ballpark

I Can?t Shut Up About Snacks
2008-04-01 15:40:00
You would think that everyone would have STOPPED the sports-related snack madness, but they haven’t. My third graders’ soccer team is STILL having after-game snacks. Nothing like Oreos at 10 am. At least I’m not on my friend’s 4k T-ball team. They practice TWICE A WEEK from 4:30 to 5:30 pm and the ...
More About: Sports , Baseball , Snacks , Deep Thoughts , Shut

Exposed (and recipes)
2008-03-30 20:25:00
Finn says he’s scarred for life, but I think he should be thrilled his parents crave each other. Of course, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. I ordered a fancy new lens for my camera, and Thursday I was met with the disappointing sight of a slip stating that FedEx had come by ...
More About: Recipes

Depraved Boys
2008-03-26 18:47:00
It all started out innocently enough. I hardboiled a bowl of eggs. I made lots of dye. The boys got to work. Porter, of course, dipped his allotted eggs in every color, and made gray eggs. Drew concentrated. Finn worked hard, too. Their eggs were masterpieces, comparatively speaking. The next morning the chocolate bunnies arrived. Finn cut a hole in the back ...
More About: Boys

Bavarian Apple Torte with Prejudicial Ingredient
2008-03-19 20:14:00
Looking around for a festive Easter dessert? Look no further. This marvelous apple tart is an old recipe of ours. It’s easy to make, looks fancy and needs nothing but a plate and perhaps some good quality vanilla ice cream to set it off. To be honest, I had forgotten about this recipe ...
More About: Apple , Torte , Ingredient

In Which We Take The Wrong Approach
2008-03-16 18:55:00
Last week the boys got their report cards. Drew’s was fine in all respects, but his teacher had written, “Needs to work on talking in class” at the bottom of the form. Bill and I could relate to that. Neither of us was keen on shouting out in class. Drew is by far ...
More About: Wrong

Dear Elyssa, Sarabeth and Jenna
2008-03-13 14:28:00
I was shocked when I heard the news about Eliot Spitzer. As the details emerged, I had a flashback to the mid 80’s that made me sick to my stomach. I’ve experienced many of the same feelings that I’m sure the Spitzer girls are now, although I didn’t have to do it under a ...
More About: Deep Thoughts , Blast from the Past , Jenna

The Girls Who Came To Visit
2008-03-10 18:26:00
Boys were draped and dashing all over my house this weekend. Finn’s best friend Jay came in from Nashville, and we invited another friend over to hang out with him as well. Drew had company to spend the night. From Friday night to Sunday morning there were between five and eight ...
More About: Girls , Visit

Why Not Be A Tiny Cocktail Sausage?
2008-03-05 17:56:00
Why be a tiny cocktail sausage when you can be a mighty weiner? – question pose by Naveed Ozcan in my spam folder I’ll tell you why not. The world is full of mighty weiners, and we don’t need any more. However, there’s a definite shortage of tiny cocktail sausages. Fortunately, Naveed’s spam reminded ...
More About: Tiny , Cocktail , Blast from the Past , Sausage

Prank O? The Day
2008-03-03 14:56:00
What’s the best way to freak Mom out in the morning, without even being present? a) Go to school without cleaning up your breakfast dishes. b) Go to school without making up your bed. c) Go to school without putting your dirty clothes in the hamper. d) All of the above, plus forget to untape the kitchen ...
More About: Prank

Science Lab 102 Exam
2008-02-29 04:30:00
1. Place marbles on a large magnet, cover them with the contents of a dishwasher detergent pod, and subject it to an eerie light. Let sit for three days. Will the light and detergent cause the marbles to become magnetic? a) Yes b) No c) Depends on brand of dishwasher detergent. d) Depends whether the light is regular or ...
More About: Science , Exam

Forty-Wonderful
2008-02-26 19:59:00
You know you’ve reached “a certain age” when your birthday breakfast in bed consists of a heaping bowl of Fiber One (43% of your daily fiber requirement), a cup of coffee, and the paper. And you’re completely content. I lazed in the bed for twenty minutes while the boys got ready for school, and thus ...
More About: Parenting , Wonderful

The Mysterious Disappearance of Feathers
2008-02-25 15:37:00
It’s been a gloomy evening chez Glamore. Porter was reading with Feathers perched on his shoulder, and somewhere along the way Feathers disappeared. None of us was aware of the problem for several hours, as Porter was confident that Feathers had gone exploring and would soon return. I was in the kitchen fixing ...
More About: Blast from the Past , Mysterious

Still Cool
2008-02-22 15:36:00
The fashions were awful during my high school and college years, but I listened to some great music. Unfortunately, those were the days of the cassette and mixed tapes, so some of the more obscure artists have been lost to history. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got some fantastic, yet unplayable mixed tapes, ...
More About: Cool , Blast from the Past

Clean Birds and Picky Gourmands
2008-02-21 15:56:00
I heard quite a bit of splashing coming from Porter’s bathroom yesterday, long after the boys had left for school. Investigation revealed a pissed off Texas Ranger in the potty. It turned out that Porter was in the midst of giving him a morning bath when his carpool came. He took my command, “Drop everything ...
More About: Clean , Birds