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I'm going to Hell

I'm going to Hell
List of Top 5s, created from what I see around me every day. some of them will be funny, some of them won't, but I probably don't mean any of it.

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Reasons I'm Glad To Be Home
2007-06-12 18:18:00
As fun as Download Festival is every year, it's always great to get home. I enjoy camping quite a bit, but at a festival it's not quite the same. You don't have as much room, you don't have ready access to your car (it's a 50 minute walk away), the toilets are always far away and they stink. And if you want a shower you have to wait hours for it.The camping is something to be endured, not enjoyed. No one enjoys camping at a festival. The only good thing about camping is... hang on... I'll think of something... It's doesn't take as long to get into the arena the next day! Ha! I knew I could think of some reason! Now for 5 reasons why I'm glad to be home:1. My living quarters are no longer a tent2. There is a supermarket just down the road3. I don't have to walk everywhere4. I can have a shower/wash whenever I want5. I have immediate access to a toiletFor days my bathroom has been a pack of wet wipes, my kitchen a camping stove and a bag of various cans (all the labels got r...
More About: Home , Reasons , Glad

Bands At The Download Festival 2007
2007-06-06 17:12:00
I'm off to the Download Festival again this year. I'm leaving in about 30mins actually. The Wench's brother (let's call him Bitch for now) is already there, with his tent set up and waiting for us. This year Bitch supplied the tent, a £100 10-man mansion, for just 4 people: Me, the Wench, Bitch and his band mate Spider (not his real name, but he is a drummer).I'm currently waiting to leave, I've got half an hour. the last 3 days have been the slowest of my life! I've been looking forward to the music I've got to listen to, alcohol to drink, fields to pass out in and all the rest. Here's who I'm looking forward to seeing:1. Wolfmother2. Korn3. Iron Maiden4. Marilyn Manson5. Linkin ParkOf course they're not the only bands there I'll see. I'll also watch Mastodon, Megadeth, Slayer, Lamb of God and many other wholesome and family friendly bands. Last year was a great festival, hot, sunny, lots of friends, good music and women giving away free Snickers Ice Creams. I hope thi...
More About: Bands

Stupid Long Words
2007-06-01 13:10:00
I hate government or military speak. It's the kind of talking where the speaker could say what they wanted to much simpler, but decides to throw in a bunch of big and possibly made up words. This makes the speaker feel big and clever, and the ordinary person listening think he's a giant cock. Generally I see people who use words like this as condescending fucktards.I don't do this that much as I often run out of big fancy words and end up repeating myself, saying the wrong word or just making up my own words, like George Bush (but on a good day, with a slow autocue that's spelt phonetically). A few examples of words like these are below:1. Irregardless2. Pejorative3. Obfuscate4. Egregious5. BehoovesI am aware that irregardless isn't actually a word, but it is used rather a lot considering. In fact irregardless is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. It's a word that is nonsensical sorry, I mean, makes no sense, but people still use it to try and sound clever, they pro...
More About: Words , Stupid , Long

Things I learned about Spain
2007-05-30 13:08:00
It's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I do have an excuse for a large part of that time, as I was away on holiday in Spain , visiting some of the Wench's family (she's not Spanish, they just live there). Since returning we've had a bank holiday in the UK, so that's even more time off. In fact I've only worked a few days in 3 weeks, and been pretty busy while at work.Anyway, I'm back now (for a few days at least) and ready to tell you the truth about Spain. I'd gathered that the Spanish are fairly lazy, what with their siestas and the building site that is their country. There's also a lot that I'd been told that had misled me about Spain, but on the other hand some of what I'd been told was totally correct:1. It's not as cheap as I previously assumed.2. Young Spaniards have a death wish when driving bikes or quads.3. The food is as good as you've heard.4. It's not as warm as everyone says.5. It's an entertaining drive back to the airport.During my time in Spain ...
More About: Things , Learned

Reasons To Hate David Caruso
2007-05-08 18:28:00
Oh, David Caruso , how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for the scene to be cleared. You're a twat, and it's time people knew.1. Now watch this video...2. ...and again...3. ...and again...4. ...and again...5. ...and again!!!Does that not just grate ...
More About: Hate , Reasons , David Caruso

Reasons To Hate David Caruso
2007-05-08 18:28:00
Oh, David Carus o, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. It's been a long relationship, for many seasons of CSI:Miami I didn't realise what you were doing. It didn't occur to me to actually pay attention to you. I was blinded by the greatness of the Vegas series, and eventually the New York incarnation.I can remember the exact moment it happened. It was like a switch being flicked in my head. I thought to myself: "You're SHIT!!". The next thing I know I recognised every cheesy line, every time you moved your glasses, your hero complex, and finally the fact that you're ONLY A CSI. You're not in SWAT, you shouldn't clear a house on your own, or lead in a team of heavily armed and armoured policemen into a criminal's home. You should be sitting outside, with the other CSIs, waiting for the scene to be cleared. You're a twat, and it's time people knew.1. Now watch this video...2. ...and again...3. ...and again...4. ...and again...5. ...and again!!!Does that not just grate ...
More About: Hate , Reasons , Sons

Words That Are Hard To Rhyme
2007-05-04 15:32:00
OK, so yesterday, despite my immense intellect, I thought it was Friday, perhaps my arch nemesis was using some kind of mind control to depress me when I discovered the truth. He will pay for this...Anyway, as a master wordsmith and giant of the literary world, I often spend my time lounging in green meadows, vast oak branches spreading over my head like Oberon's crown, the raging torrent of my imagination bursting it's banks onto the notebook in my hand. I can write some mean gangster rap in those conditions, I tell thee. But even a rhymasaurus with a flow as fresh as mine has trouble with a few words:1. Film2. Orange3. Month4. Purple5. SilverI'm sick like a leper,I'll make your brain burn, like you just snorted pepper.I got scary rhymes like Edgar Allan Poe,I make The Raven seem like a doe.This flow feels atrocious,like a small child acting precocious.Supercalifragilisticexpialidoc ious.Yeah, yeah, what, uh-huh, yeah, dika-dika, yeah...See you never know when I'll just drop a ...
More About: Words , Hard , That

Redundant Phrases
2007-05-03 12:41:00
Must post something! It's getting towards the end of the week and I've been really busy. Work is finally become pretty demanding, so I'm trying to find time to come up with a post every now and then.I'm not a Grammar Nazi. Most of the time I capitalize the wrong words, my punctuation needs a lot of work (what's a colon?), my spelling has deteriorated since spell check arrived. However I still get OCD about certain things. I hate redundancy. Here's my Top 5 redundant phrases:1. Twelve noon2. Advance warning3. Cash money4. Free gift5. Exact sameThere are a lot more redundant things in speech that annoy me. Like PIN number, or ATM machine. The word is in the abbreviation, it's not a personal identification number number is it? I think this stems from my laziness. I'm all about efficiency. If something is extra effort then I don't bother with it and it annoys me that other people wouldn't take the easier option.This may sound petty, and it is, but I like making things easier f...
More About: Redu , Phrases

Shotgun Rules
2007-04-27 11:45:00
Calling Shotgun is an ancient tradition, going back many decades to those pirate wannabes, the Cowboys. Back in the famous Cowboy Era people used to travel around by wagons and the person sitting next to the driver would carry a shotgun. The shotgun was mainly for show, as no one would be stupid enough to attack a Cowboy, and the mythical 'Indians' have since been debunked as Yankee propaganda.Since then the practice has extended to cars, with the rules of Shotgun becoming loosely defined. A lot of House Rules have been created over time, with many regional variations and changes being applied. Here are what I consider to be some of the most important Shotgun Rules:1. Shotgun can only be called when in sight of the car.2. If two people call shotgun at the same time, whoever reaches the car first wins.3. Shotgun can only be called if you are on the way to the car.4. Shotgun can be called for all seats in the car, so the last person to call Shotgun gets the Bitch Seat (middle seat)....

Shotgun Rules
2007-04-27 11:45:00
Calling Shot gun is an ancient tradition, going back many decades to those pirate wannabes, the Cowboys. Back in the famous Cowboy Era people used to travel around by wagons and the person sitting next to the driver would carry a shotgun. The shotgun was mainly for show, as no one would be stupid enough to attack a Cowboy, and the mythical 'Indians' have since been debunked as Yankee propaganda.Since then the practice has extended to cars, with the rules of Shotgun becoming loosely defined. A lot of House Rule s have been created over time, with many regional variations and changes being applied. Here are what I consider to be some of the most important Shotgun Rules:1. Shotgun can only be called when in sight of the car.2. If two people call shotgun at the same time, whoever reaches the car first wins.3. Shotgun can only be called if you are on the way to the car.4. Shotgun can be called for all seats in the car, so the last person to call Shotgun gets the Bitch Seat (middle seat)....

Types of Crap
2007-04-26 12:13:00
That's right, a new low. I will today be discussing the many different types of shit people take. I feel that this a much ignored topic, even by blokes. Men tend to make comments when they come back from the toilet, but full on dump orientated conversations are fairly rare.To start things off, here's a few definition's that I've come across during those rare moments when the topic of releasing the chocolate hostage arises:1. The Ghost - You've pinched off a loaf, but when you go to wipe, there's nothing there.2. The Neverending - No matter how many times you wipe, there's still more poop to remove.3. The Shotgun - It comes out so quick with a bit of gas, leading to a lovely pebbledash effect on the bowl.4. The Ring Burn - After eating spicy food, mainly curries, you get a nasty burn around your balloon knot.5. The Guinness - The nastiest, blackest, most foul smelling turd made by man or beast.Of course there's plenty more out there such as The Train, The Behemoth, and The Ro...
More About: Crap , Type , Types

Commercials I Hate
2007-04-25 12:34:00
Adverts can be great, but the vast majority suck like MySpace: badly. Adverts can bring you down in the middle of a good program, or film. I can't wait to get Sky+ (England's version of Tivo) so I don't have to watch adverts anymore. Most of the good ones you get to see on YouTube anyway. In fact YouTube has become quite a good trial for a commercial, if it's good, it'll be passed around, like a drunk cheerleader at a frat party.Bad adverts are boring, uninspired, stupid, badly produced, acted or dubbed. Here's a few of the adverts I've found illustrating a few of these points, or they just grind my gears:1. Toyota Yaris2. Get Unhooked (Anti-smoking)3. HI! I'M BARRY SCOTT!! (Cilit Bang) - Remixed version! 4. Orange Mobile Phones5. FrostiesThe Orange advert is clever, but is on all day. In my office there are TVs all over the place, and I hear this advert every 10mins. I'm on the verge of putting my head through the next screen on which this advert appears.The Frosties adver...
More About: Hate , Commercials , Comm , Merc

Ways To Pay Your Rent
2007-04-19 18:25:00
I've never had that much of a problem paying my rent. I know it's a common complaint amongst students and the like, but I was lucky enough to get help in that department. While I was at university my parents covered my rent for me for the first two years while I was in halls. My third year I was working 'in the industry', and the in the final year I was supposed to have saved enough money to pay it myself. Since then I've been working and it's not really been a problem. So from my experience, and that of some of my less fortunate friends, here's my Top 5 ways to pay your rent:1. Don't2. Perform 'favours' for your landlord3. Sell your computer4. Get the Devil to pay it by challenging him to an elaborate Rock Off 5. Direct DebitThat's right, No.1 was 'Don't'. While this may seem like a stupid suggestion you'd be surprised how often this works. A mate of mine got away with nearly 8 months rent simply by not paying. Of course you need a landlord who is either stupid, laz...
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Spartans
2007-04-17 18:15:00
So over two weeks after I said I was going to see 300 I finally managed to drag the Wench to the cinema to see it on The Big Screen. It was definitely worth the effort. The only thing I can think though is that it's probably not going to be as good the second time round. Sure it's impressive, the visuals are stunning, and everything looks just like a moving comic book, but other than all the dudes with rippling muscles killing hundreds of masked samurai-esque warriors what are you going to concentrate on now you know what's coming? What am I talking about? It was AWESOME!!In honour of the magnificence that was 300 I give you my Top 5 Spar tan s:1. Michigan State Spartans2. John Spartan3. Master Chief4. Kratos5. King LeonidasThe Spartans were apparently the finest soldiers the world has ever produced. What happened to them? If they were that great they can't have been annihilated. Maybe they moved. Or maybe, like those other highly evolved killers of long ago, the dinosaurs, they e...
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Ways To Resolve An Argument
2007-04-12 13:25:00
At last, I drag together enough time and inspiration to squeeze out another post. It's been a long time coming but don't get too over excited. I've seen a lot of arguments recently, I've not participated in many, but I've witnessed quite a few. Arguments in modern times seem to quickly dissolve into shouting matches, with all sides deciding they'll win if they repeat themselves the most at the highest volume. Well this may work for dogs and retards, but civilised human beings should use one of these less violent and noisy alternatives:1. Each side can put forth a well thought out and coherent argument, before hearing the next participants viewpoint, then decide on a course of action, possibly a compromise to the benefit of all parties.2. Flip a coin3. Rock, Paper, Scissors4. Russian Roulette5. Fight to the deathPersonally I find a flip of the coin works quite well. Sure it doesn't always work, but if your bad at presenting your point then winning half your arguments, even aga...
More About: Men

Things That Annoy The Wench About Our Neighbours
2007-04-04 15:46:00
We've been in our flat apartment for just over a year now, I think, and during that time we were mostly neighbourless. The apartment to one side was occupied briefly, but the owner was hardly ever home, for months at a time, and she's just sold the place. The apartment on our other side was put up for rent, and only recently did anyone move in. We had grown accustomed to being alone and quiet in our corner of the building. Then Slammy McDoor-Swinger moved in next door.Here's the top 5 things that make the Wench pray for a small localised holocaust and/or nuclear blast:1. They're not particularly friendly2. They don't turn off the hallway light.3. They don't lock the hallway door.4. They slam their doors.5. They park halfway in our parking space.These may seem like small petty things, and they are, but they really get on the Wench's nerves. Only the parking really annoys me, as we only have one space (which we own), the car park is always pretty full and they're taking up two...
More About: Hat , Neighbours , About , Things , That

Reasons I Think I'm Getting Old
2007-03-29 14:45:00
It's sad that I think I'm getting old. I'm only 24 for God's sake. I still have nearly 40 years left till I retire! That's an even more depressing thought, as I have that long left to work. I'm not even middle aged yet. I'm not even late twenties, I'm still in my mid-twenties.So for a change I'm going to whine for a bit and then decide on exactly what makes me feel old. Here's what I have so far:1. I dream about doing nothing.2. I know what nostalgia is.3. I get irritated at my neighbours' loud music.4. I ache after exercise.5. My 25th birthday is this Sunday.After reading my list I've decided I'm no longer going to lay about and feel old, instead I will do exercise, play games and get drunk. And then feel old. The truth is I don't really think I've changed all that much. I'm not as active as I used to be, but I used to be forced to do that stuff, I never had the inclination to do it on my own. I still want the same things, listen to the same types of music, watch th...
More About: Reason , Think , Reasons , Sons

Ways To Stay Awake At Work
2007-03-27 17:21:00
Being knackered at work is a pretty big problem for quite a few people. Recently I've been having trouble as I don't have work that is that interesting, so I have to try and keep myself awake. Normal people just drink coffee, but if I did that I'd be sick all over my desk, because I'd rather grate my nut sack than drink coffee. Generally I don't have hot drinks at all.Luckily my workplace is rather lax. Not quite slumped over my desk with my head on my arms relaxed, but I've got pretty much free reign over what I do during the work day, as long as my work gets done. I've since come up with these ideas:1. Listen to music2. Watch some TV3. Drink something cold4. Try and find some more interesting work5. Don't eat carbohydrates at lunchOccasionally during the day I'll take breaks to watch crap on YouTube, or just on TV. I listen to music while I'm working, Pandora is excellent for this. Every now and then I'll request some more work, or pick up some of the jobs floating arou...
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Things That Make You An Asshole - Commuting Edition
2007-03-23 11:36:00
I have to commute to work, I'm sure I've mentioned this before a few times. I have to take the train, and I pay about Â£1800, about $3500. For that sort of money I should be getting free meals and a bed on my train. However most of the time I manage to get a seat, and that's good enough for me, as I either read, sleep or play on my DS.Most of the people I travel with are nice enough, they are courteous and polite, we apologise to one another if we get in each others way, or say thank you if they let us pass. But there's always a few oxygen thieves around who make commuting even more tiresome. Here are the top 5 things that make you an asshole commuter:1. Standing on the left of the escalator.2. Stopping suddenly in the middle of the flow of commuters.3. Not moving into the train so more people can get on.4. Complaining loudly about nothing.5. Standing in front of the train doors.On the way to work these things are barely noticed through my blurry and semi-comatose morning haze. ...
More About: Hat , Edit , Make , Things , That

Comedy Shows Right Now
2007-03-16 13:30:00
The Wench is currently on a bit of a comedy bender. Pretty much everything we watch has to be funny. I can see where she's coming from, our year has started badly so far and getting a bit of a laugh is what we need. Laughter is pretty therapeutic, and it's nice to have a chuckle every now and then. It has limited our viewing options quite a bit though, and my stack of DVDs to watch has steadily grown as we're never in the mood.Here's our current top 5 shows we watch to lighten our moods of an evening:1. Futurama2. Family Guy3. Robot Chicken4. American Dad5. Drawn TogetherNothing quite cheers me up like a bit of inappropriate humour, which American Dad, Robot Chicken and Drawn Together can all deliver in spades. I love it when nothing is sacred and absolutely anything can be used for a joke, because it's not like anyone can complain if they're picking on everyone. Blacks, whites, gays, jocks, fatties, twiglets, no matter your race, class, sexuality, handicap or lifestyle your l...
More About: Comedy , Show , Come , Right , Right Now

Pieces of Excercise Equipment I Own
2007-03-14 18:11:00
You know when you think "If I bought gym equipment so I could exercise at home, I wouldn't need to go to a gym"? A clever person then realises that if your not going to a gym the chances of you doing exercise are less than your chances of surviving a raptor attack. I've had a few of these moments, and by my own metaphor, I would be a bloody lump of bones, being picked through by prehistoric scavengers.In my attempts to lower my gym bills I have purchased a number of pieces of fitness equipment. I've used a few of them, but most of the time they just lean against the wall, taking up much needed living space. A few times I've not even assembled the equipment. Here's my top 5:1. A Powerball - Used 3 times in a year.2. A Rowing Machine - Used quite a bit in the first 2 years, once or twice in the 2 years since.3. Free Weights - Used quite a bit for six months, once or twice in the 3 years since.4. A Weight Bench - Never been used.5. Cross Trainer - Bought 2 weeks ago, not been used...
More About: Men , Equipment , Piece , Pieces

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