The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely

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His Lordship Has A Close Shave
2008-02-22 04:46:00
February the 22nd, 1857.I had been admiring myself for two hours in the mirror this morning, when I came to the inescapable conclusion that I was looking considerably less than my usual dapper self. My hair was approximately half an inch longer than usual, and my moustache had begun to resemble an unkempt hedge upon my upper lip. Also, after further investigation, I noticed that my pubic hairs were looking far from luxuriant.There was no doubt about it, I was going to have to go and get a haircut and a shave, especially as there was a rather fancy ball scheduled for tomorrow evening. I would need to be looking my damned finest if I was going to attend, and snare myself some aristocratic fanny."Botter!" I yelled to my feeble man-servant. "I shall need the address of my barber! I must depart post-haste and get myself a trim!""That barber closed down his business, milord," Botter informed me as he trudged into the living-room. "Don't you remember? After you'd stabbed him in the leg w...
More About: Sweeney Todd , Close , Shave

The Humerous Japery of Reginald Whiskers
2008-02-18 18:29:00
February 18th, 1857.My man-servant, Botter, bought me the morning's news-papers today, as he does every day lest he wishes to receive a swift boot to the backside. Today, however, I rather wished he had not bothered, for a quick flick through the day's copy of The London Early Morning News Stories and Illustrated Plates was filled with nothing but depression; trouble with the natives in India, crime on the streets of our great nation's capital, disease rife among the filthy working-classes, and so on and so ruddy on.Is it too much to ask that I can enjoy my breakfast of grilled salmon, caviar and champagne without having the woes of those less fortunate than myself thrust in my face? Indeed, I was so enraged by the morning's news that I hurled the paper at Botter, causing him to receive many nasty paper-cuts to the face and eyeballs, which cheered me up somewhat.Happily, there is always one part of the news-paper that never fails to fill me with joy, and that is the section cont...
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Likely in Love
2008-02-15 07:38:00
February 14th, 1857.It will come as no surprise to those who know me that I find myself inundated with Valentine 's Day cards every February the fourteenth. From anonymous declarations of love, to heavily-scented letters from female admirers begging me to deposit my noble seed inside their wanton mimsies, I receive them all by the sack-load. Naturally, as befitting such a well-bred gentleman as myself, I try and respond to each and every missive, a task that can leave my letter-writing hand severely cramped, and my ball-bags considerably strained.This year was no different, with the usual avalanche of amourous advances pouring through my letter-box this very morning. My poor post-man found himself so exhausted by delivering my mountain of mail that he collapsed soon after, and had to be rushed to hospital to be revived.One particular letter caught my ennobled eyeball this morn; an invitation of intercourse from the most desirable Dame Elizabeth Spodgebucket, wife of Sir Hardy Spodge...
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Lord Likely has Some Trouble with The Brown Mist
2008-02-12 16:53:00
Behold! The Double-length Conclusion to Lord Likely's Latest Astonishing Adventure!1st of May, 1851.As Mr. Harry Flashman and I dashed off to find my missing man-servant, I took the time to explain precisely how my stinking servant had become an integral part of our latest mystery, the disappearance of the Koh-i-Noor Diamond."Here is what I believe occurred," I said as we pelted along the corridors of the Crystal Palace, doing our best to make our way through the teeming masses who had come to witness the Great Exhibition. "This fellow - the Queen's aide - was placed in charge of the Koh-i-Noor Diamond, and its display here at the exhibition. This was to prove to be a terrible mistake on behalf of Her Majesty, for this wretch had desires upon the diamond. He wanted it badly for himself, and would do anything to get it. Oh, how he must have counted his lucky stars when the gem was placed in his care. He was in the perfect position to - GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU FAT SOW," I roared as ...
More About: Brown , Mist

The Penny Drops, and the Puzzle is Completed. Also: Breasts.
2008-02-10 06:48:00
May 1st, 1851.There is a sexual position well-practiced among a small tribe in deepest, darkest Africa, called 'The Flaming Blow-Pipe'. Not much is known about the position, except for one very important thing: out of those who practice it, only a handful survive to live to tell the tale. And even then, those poor damned fools are left either permanently crippled, or psychologically scarred, for the rest of their natural-born life. Not for nothing is The Flaming Blow-Pipe known as the most dangerous sexual position in the entire world.Despite this, I was more than wiling to attempt this most perilous of positions with the Indian beauty I had shacked up with at the Great Exhibition, but just as I was getting ready to roughly enter the girl's crystal palace, Mr. Harry Flashman appeared, looking decidedly out-of-breath."Ah, yer lordship!" exclaimed the rogue as he beheld my bare buttocks. "I...I've been looking for you everywhere!""Confound it, you scurrilous simpleton!" I snappe...
More About: Puzzle , Breasts , Penny

Lord Likely Will Be In His Trailer
2008-02-07 21:39:00
In which his lordship interrupts proceedings with a brief commercial interval.February, 1857.Good day, all!We all know how incredible, amazing, dashing, debonair and all-round damned-well astonishing I am, but still there remain people in this wide world who have no idea of how fantastic I truly am.With this in mind, I have commissioned this short piece of film below to act as a public service, informing those poor fools who remain unaware of my wondrousness of the fact I am, indeed, completely wondrous.I do hope you enjoy watching this most delightful and erotic of moving pictures, and please feel free to stick it on your very own web-log, or share it with friends and families. I am sure the children will love it.Those of you who do a particularly sterling job of whoring me around the inter-web, or who do so in a particularly inventive manner, will receive my eternal moist gratitude, and maybe even some sort of a prize, if I can be bothered to arrange anything.Now, dim the lights a...
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Lord Likely Will Be In His Trailer
2008-02-07 21:14:00
In which his lordship interrupts proceedings with a brief commercial interval.February, 1857.Good day, all!We all know how incredible, amazing, dashing, debonair and all-round damned-well astonishing I am, but still there remain people in this wide world who have no idea of how fantastic I truly am.With this in mind, I have commissioned this short piece of film below to act as a public service, informing those poor fools who remain unaware of my wondrousness of the fact I am, indeed, completely wondrous.I do hope you enjoy watching this most delightful and erotic of moving pictures, and please feel free to stick it on your very own web-log, or share it with friends and families. I am sure the children will love it.Those of you who do a particularly sterling job of whoring me around the inter-web, or who do so in a particularly inventive manner, will receive my eternal moist gratitude, and maybe even some sort of a prize, if I can be bothered to arrange anything.Now, dim the lights a...
More About: Trailer , Lord

Lord Likely is Swallowed Whole
2008-02-05 05:43:00
May 1st, 1851.Mr. Harry Flashman and I picked Botter up off the floor, where he was lying, sobbing, in among hundreds of shards of broken glass; and then the three of us dashed off until we were a safe distance away from the Crystal Palace and our three pursuers."Bloody hell, I fear I may be getting to old for this excrement," I puffed, as I disentangled myself form my moping man-servant, at which point I noticed that the wretched urchin had bled upon my finest suit, an act I felt to be entirely discourteous."Botter, you have bled all over me!" I shouted. "Look! Look at this! I shall have to get this professionally cleaned, now, you useless cock-end!" To further reiterate my great displeasure, I twatted the blubbering bastard firmly across the head with my cane."My God!" roared Flashman. "The little toad has gotten some of his blood on me, as well! You swine!" Flashman cried, booting Botter up the backside."Honestly Botter, this is the very height of bad manners, you know!" I said, ...
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Lord Likely is Swallowed Whole
2008-02-05 01:37:00
May 1st, 1851.Mr. Harry Flashman and I picked Botter up off the floor, where he was lying, sobbing, in among hundreds of shards of broken glass; and then the three of us dashed off until we were a safe distance away from the Crystal Palace and our three pursuers."Bloody hell, I fear I may be getting to old for this excrement," I puffed, as I disentangled myself form my moping man-servant, at which point I noticed that the wretched urchin had bled upon my finest suit, an act I felt to be entirely discourteous."Botter, you have bled all over me!" I shouted. "Look! Look at this! I shall have to get this professionally cleaned, now, you useless cock-end!" To further reiterate my great displeasure, I twatted the blubbering bastard firmly across the head with my cane."My God!" roared Flashman. "The little toad has gotten some of his blood on me, as well! You swine!" Flashman cried, booting Botter up the backside."Honestly Botter, this is the very height of bad manners, you know!" I said, ...
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In Which Botter Has A Simply Smashing Time
2008-02-01 01:17:00
May the First, Eighteen Fifty-One."Aye," said Harry Flashman, leaning in to get a closer look at the Koh-i-Noor Diamond, now believed to be a fake. "I'll say we have a mystery on our hands. This one is definitely not the real thing.""Now, Mr. Flashman, are you absolutely certain? I need you to be totally and utterly, one hundred per-cent sure of this, before we commence our investigations. I do so hate going into anything half-cocked.""Listen, your lordship," Flashman replied, swivelling around to face me. "I'll never forget the Koh-i-Noor diamond. You can't easily forget such a gem when you've seen it passed around an orgy as a highly-expensive sex-toy1.""That's good enough for me, " I mused, stroking my beautiful moustache in deep contemplation. "Sex-toy, you say? That rather piques my interest, I must say.""Oh, you should have seen it, your lordship! That diamond has been up more mimsies than our two todgers combined, I'd warrant.""Blimey!" I exclaimed. "So it is true what ...
More About: Time , Simply

In Which Botter Has A Simply Smashing Time
2008-01-31 22:12:00
May the First, Eighteen Fifty-One."Aye," said Harry Flashman, leaning in to get a closer look at the Koh-i-Noor Diamond, now believed to be a fake. "I'll say we have a mystery on our hands. This one is definitely not the real thing.""Now, Mr. Flashman, are you absolutely certain? I need you to be totally and utterly, one hundred per-cent sure of this, before we commence our investigations. I do so hate going into anything half-cocked.""Listen, your lordship," Flashman replied, swivelling around to face me. "I'll never forget the Koh-i-Noor diamond. You can't easily forget such a gem when you've seen it passed around an orgy as a highly-expensive sex-toy1.""That's good enough for me, " I mused, stroking my beautiful moustache in deep contemplation. "Sex-toy, you say? That rather piques my interest, I must say.""Oh, you should have seen it, your lordship! That diamond has been up more mimsies than our two todgers combined, I'd warrant.""Blimey!" I exclaimed. "So it is true what ...
More About: Time , Simply

Interlude: Perfection in a Top Hat
2008-01-28 06:53:00
January, 1857.I have long suspected that I am the very paragon of perfection. That may sound like cheap, lazy arrogance, but when one is as continually astounding as I, and blessed with such devastatingly good looks, it is hard not to come to the conclusion that I must be the very last word in male excellence. It cannot be arrogant to simply state the facts as they are presented, can it?I mean one only has to gaze upon my handsome form to see what I mean. I would roger me senseless in a heartbeat.Today I have learnt that my sneaking suspicion is indeed iron-clad, irrefutable, undeniable truth; for it seems that my noble self has been selected as the very definition of the ideal man by the fabulous Uncle Loquacious, in his own wondrous writings. In response to a desperate plea from a lovely lady seeking her perfect man, the Loquacious chap suggests (quite correctly) that I would fit the bill, and urges the distressed damsel to couple with my good self, "before someone else does".Now,...
More About: Perfection

Interlude: Perfection in a Top Hat
2008-01-28 05:24:00
January, 1857.I have long suspected that I am the very paragon of perfection. That may sound like cheap, lazy arrogance, but when one is as continually astounding as I, and blessed with such devastatingly good looks, it is hard not to come to the conclusion that I must be the very last word in male excellence. It cannot be arrogant to simply state the facts as they are presented, can it?I mean one only has to gaze upon my handsome form to see what I mean. I would roger me senseless in a heartbeat.Today I have learnt that my sneaking suspicion is indeed iron-clad, irrefutable, undeniable truth; for it seems that my noble self has been selected as the very definition of the ideal man by the fabulous Uncle Loquacious, in his own wondrous writings. In response to a desperate plea from a lovely lady seeking her perfect man, the Loquacious chap suggests (quite correctly) that I would fit the bill, and urges the distressed damsel to couple with my good self, "before someone else does".Now,...
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The Disturbing Dilema of the Disappearing Diamond
2008-01-25 04:43:00
May 1st, 1851Mr. Harry Flashman, my man-servant Botter and my fantastically fabulous self made quick on our collective legs, and dashed off to try and escape the oncoming police, who had been alerted to our presence by our fantastically furious bout of fisticuffs just moments before.As we sprinted through the bustling aisles of the Crystal Palace, I mused upon the fact that I seemed to spend a great deal of my time fleeing from the police, more often than may be expected of a man in my exalted position. I wondered if one day I would be rewarded for my services to the police force, in keeping them so fit and healthy throughout the years."Look! Over there!" cried Flashman, pointing to a large crowd assembled around one of the many exhibits in this Great Exhibition. "I reckon we can shake off the peelers if we join that crowd! What do you think, your lordship?""Capital idea!" I found myself agreeing. Sometimes, moments of great peril can somewhat cloud one's judgment, it would seem.Ne...
More About: Diamond

The Disturbing Dilema of the Disappearing Diamond
2008-01-24 22:48:00
May 1st, 1851Mr. Harry Flashman, my man-servant Botter and my fantastically fabulous self made quick on our collective legs, and dashed off to try and escape the oncoming police, who had been alerted to our presence by our fantastically furious bout of fisticuffs just moments before.As we sprinted through the bustling aisles of the Crystal Palace, I mused upon the fact that I seemed to spend a great deal of my time fleeing from the police, more often than may be expected of a man in my exalted position. I wondered if one day I would be rewarded for my services to the police force, in keeping them so fit and healthy throughout the years."Look! Over there!" cried Flashman, pointing to a large crowd assembled around one of the many exhibits in this Great Exhibition. "I reckon we can shake off the peelers if we join that crowd! What do you think, your lordship?""Capital idea!" I found myself agreeing. Sometimes, moments of great peril can somewhat cloud one's judgment, it would seem.Ne...
More About: Diamond

In Which His Lordship Makes An Exhibition of Himself.
2008-01-24 22:42:00
January the Tenth, 1857.To be quite honest, the year eighteen fifty-seven has so far been rather disappointing. I'm aware that the year is still very much in its infancy, but infant or not, this year must try damned harder or it shall feel my boot in its backside.Why, I have only gotten drunk once so far (although, admittedly, it did last for four whole days), and I've only had intercourse twice; once whilst deeply intoxicated, with a women so reprehensible and offensively unattractive that I prefer to just pretend the wretched union never took place at all. And to top it all, there has not even been the merest hint of a possibility of an adventure thus far. Awful.I am so bored out of my exquisitely-sculpted skull that even thrashing my man-servant Botter only served to allay my tedium for a few, fleeting moments, before I became overcome with a terrible sense of ennui and gave up on the beating, despite Botter clearly deserving it.However, later on in the day, whilst searching fo...
More About: Exhibition

A Great Big Punch Up at the Great Exhibition
2008-01-21 20:24:00
May the First, 1851.With nothing but revenge filling my heart and my thoughts, I marched on after Mr. Harry Flashman, and the three Indian beauties he had just swiped from under my noble nose. I fully intended to show the swaggering cock-end exactly what happens to the man foolish enough to interfere with my amourous advances. To this end, my man-servant Botter had swiped a large, heavy golden statuette of Buddha from a nearby display, with which I hoped to further illustrate my misgivings with Mr. Flashman, in no uncertain terms.Botter and I rounded the corner and saw Flashman strolling along, his arms draped across the three Indian girls as if he owned them. The group were chatting loudly, with Flashman cracking jokes in their native tongue and laughing uproariously, punctuating every guffaw by slapping one of the girls firmly across the buttocks. This raucous, coarse display made my blood boil further, and so I angrily stalked up to the fat-headed swine and firmly grabbed him by ...
More About: Great , Exhibition , Punch

A Great Big Punch Up at the Great Exhibition
2008-01-21 16:09:00
May the First, 1851.With nothing but revenge filling my heart and my thoughts, I marched on after Mr. Harry Flashman, and the three Indian beauties he had just swiped from under my noble nose. I fully intended to show the swaggering cock-end exactly what happens to the man foolish enough to interfere with my amourous advances. To this end, my man-servant Botter had swiped a large, heavy golden statuette of Buddha from a nearby display, with which I hoped to further illustrate my misgivings with Mr. Flashman, in no uncertain terms.Botter and I rounded the corner and saw Flashman strolling along, his arms draped across the three Indian girls as if he owned them. The group were chatting loudly, with Flashman cracking jokes in their native tongue and laughing uproariously, punctuating every guffaw by slapping one of the girls firmly across the buttocks. This raucous, coarse display made my blood boil further, and so I angrily stalked up to the fat-headed swine and firmly grabbed him by ...
More About: Great , Exhibition , Punch

Lord Likely and the Kingdom of the Crystal Pig
2008-01-17 22:11:00
May the 1st, 1851.After being released from gaol by Inspector Albert Spunkleford, I made it my first point of business to put as much distance between myself and my detestable former cell-mate, Mr. Harry Flashman. I hailed a passing hansom cab, and headed back to the Crystal Palace, leaving Flash Harry to be fawned and drooled over by the awe-struck Spunkleford. Had I stayed in their company any longer, I fear I would have vomited upon them both.I arrived back at the Great Exhibition later that afternoon. I made sure to pull my hat down over my face, lest I be discovered by any of the police officers patrolling the area, and be recognised as the bum-flashing deviant who so offended the Queen. I did not particularly relish the idea of returning to gaol so soon after my recent liberation, nor did I relish the fresh chance of any anal penetration from sex-starved prisoners. It is not that I hold any great disgust towards those fellows who partake in the love that dare not speak its nam...
More About: Kingdom , Lord , The Kingdom

Lord Likely and the Kingdom of the Crystal Pig
2008-01-17 20:15:00
May the 1st, 1851.After being released from gaol by Inspector Albert Spunkleford, I made it my first point of business to put as much distance between myself and my detestable former cell-mate, Mr. Harry Flashman. I hailed a passing hansom cab, and headed back to the Crystal Palace, leaving Flash Harry to be fawned and drooled over by the awe-struck Spunkleford. Had I stayed in their company any longer, I fear I would have vomited upon them both.I arrived back at the Great Exhibition later that afternoon. I made sure to pull my hat down over my face, lest I be discovered by any of the police officers patrolling the area, and be recognised as the bum-flashing deviant who so offended the Queen. I did not particularly relish the idea of returning to gaol so soon after my recent liberation, nor did I relish the fresh chance of any anal penetration from sex-starved prisoners. It is not that I hold any great disgust towards those fellows who partake in the love that dare not speak its nam...
More About: Kingdom , Lord , The Kingdom

When Harry Met Likely
2008-01-15 17:34:00
January 15th, 1857.Now, where the bloody hell was I?Ah, yes.May 1st, 1851. "Harry who?" I asked, although to be honest my actual interest in my cell-mate was extremely minimal."Harry Flashman," repeated the fellow, "I imagine you have heard of me, of course." He grinned with self-satisfaction and pride, characteristics I was not entirely convinced he had any right to exhibit."No, I cannot say I have," I replied nonchalantly. "Why, are you a notorious criminal, or something? No wait, I have it - are you perchance the most diseased man in the Empire?"Flashman bristled upon hearing my words, and fixed me with a furious glare."I am highly celebrated and much admir'd, actually," he said. "I am the champion of Afghanistan1, I'll have you know!""Feh!" I snorted. "You do not strike me as a military marvel. I dare say you earnt your honour by simply staying alive the longest, probably by spending most of the war hiding and trembling.""Ha! I do not expect you to understand, your lordship. I...

When Harry Met Likely
2008-01-15 15:37:00
January 15th, 1857.Now, where the bloody hell was I?Ah, yes.May 1st, 1851. "Harry who?" I asked, although to be honest my actual interest in my cell-mate was extremely minimal."Harry Flashman," repeated the fellow, "I imagine you have heard of me, of course." He grinned with self-satisfaction and pride, characteristics I was not entirely convinced he had any right to exhibit."No, I cannot say I have," I replied nonchalantly. "Why, are you a notorious criminal, or something? No wait, I have it - are you perchance the most diseased man in the Empire?"Flashman bristled upon hearing my words, and fixed me with a furious glare."I am highly celebrated and much admir'd, actually," he said. "I am the champion of Afghanistan1, I'll have you know!""Feh!" I snorted. "You do not strike me as a military marvel. I dare say you earnt your honour by simply staying alive the longest, probably by spending most of the war hiding and trembling.""Ha! I do not expect you to understand, your lordship. I...

Intermission: Wherein Lord Likely is Well Liked
2008-01-13 15:19:00
January the 12th, 1857.I know I have just commenced upon the recollection of another of my astonishing adventures, and I acknowledge that it is rather bad form to interrupt my latest tale so soon in proceedings, but I have some news to impart to you all which simply cannot wait.At any rate, these are my journals and I shall do as I damned well please, so shut up.You may recall me mentioning that my wondrous journals had been nominated for an award recently, in the Performancing Awards, in the category of 'Best Blog You've Never Heard Of'. You may also remember me asking for my loyal readers to support my good and excellent self in the voting for the award, in the hope that I may win and be crowned as the best, the title of which I do not only deserve, but amply personify.Well, I am happy to report that I did indeed win the award in question, and by quite a considerable margin. This did leave me to wonder whether I was actually the best at being unheard of, as clearly plenty of pe...
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Intermission: Wherein Lord Likely is Well Liked
2008-01-12 15:53:00
January the 12th, 1857.I know I have just commenced upon the recollection of another of my astonishing adventures, and I acknowledge that it is rather bad form to interrupt my latest tale so soon in proceedings, but I have some news to impart to you all which simply cannot wait.At any rate, these are my journals and I shall do as I damned well please, so shut up.You may recall me mentioning that my wondrous journals had been nominated for an award recently, in the Performancing Awards, in the category of 'Best Blog You've Never Heard Of'. You may also remember me asking for my loyal readers to support my good and excellent self in the voting for the award, in the hope that I may win and be crowned as the best, the title of which I do not only deserve, but amply personify.Well, I am happy to report that I did indeed win the award in question, and by quite a considerable margin. This did leave me to wonder whether I was actually the best at being unheard of, as clearly plenty of pe...
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In Which His Lordship Makes An Exhibition of Himself.
2008-01-10 23:14:00
January the Tenth, 1857.To be quite honest, the year eighteen fifty-seven has so far been rather disappointing. I'm aware that the year is still very much in its infancy, but infant or not, this year must try damned harder or it shall feel my boot in its backside.Why, I have only gotten drunk once so far (although, admittedly, it did last for four whole days), and I've only had intercourse twice; once whilst deeply intoxicated, with a women so reprehensible and offensively unattractive that I prefer to just pretend the wretched union never took place at all. And to top it all, there has not even been the merest hint of a possibility of an adventure thus far. Awful.I am so bored out of my exquisitely-sculpted skull that even thrashing my man-servant Botter only served to allay my tedium for a few, fleeting moments, before I became overcome with a terrible sense of ennui and gave up on the beating, despite Botter clearly deserving it.However, later on in the day, whilst searching fo...
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Self-Help, the Victorian Way.
2008-01-09 03:34:00
January, 1857.- Lord Likely*****Next time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: His lordship clashes with another Victorian rogue, in a special one-off adventure! (We promise it will happen, this time.)Attention! There are still two days left to vote for his lordship's journals as being 'The Best Blog You've Never Heard Of' over at the Performancing Awards. Make sure that you lend your support, else there shall be thrashings for all! Other places of interest:His lordship's glorious group, The Upper Crusthumor-blogs.com | The Pisstakers | Fuel His LordshipThe Best Bit of the InternetDigital Sickbag> Subscribe in a reader

Self-Help, the Victorian Way.
2008-01-09 03:00:00
January, 1857.- Lord Likely*****Next time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: His lordship clashes with another Victorian rogue, in a special one-off adventure! (We promise it will happen, this time.)Attention! There are still two days left to vote for his lordship's journals as being 'The Best Blog You've Never Heard Of' over at the Performancing Awards. Make sure that you lend your support, else there shall be thrashings for all! Other places of interest:His lordship's glorious group, The Upper Crusthumor-blogs.com | The Pisstakers | Fuel His LordshipThe Best Bit of the InternetDigital Sickbag> Subscribe in a reader

The Golden Cock Rises Again
2008-01-04 16:46:00
January the 4th, 1857.And so the new year is finally here, thrust upon us like the unwanted child of a filthy whore, crying and spewing and urinating all over the carpet.It is customary at the start of a new year for the Queen (God Save Her and Roger Her Senseless) to unveil her New Year's Honours List, in which she bestows various honours upon the great and good of her glorious Empire. This year is no exception, although I must confess to being slightly perplexed as to my omission from the list, what with me being so ruddy fantastic, and all. Maybe Her Majesty was rather drunk at the time she compiled the list, and forgot to put me on it. Yes, that must be it.Anyhow, what is good enough for the Queen is good enough for me, so I thought I might award some new year's honours myself, in the mighty form of The Golden Cock of Excellence.The first appearance of The Golden Cock of Excellence, back in November, turned a few heads and moistened more than its fair share of undergarments. S...

The Golden Cock Rises Again
2008-01-04 14:43:00
January the 4th, 1857.And so the new year is finally here, thrust upon us like the unwanted child of a filthy whore, crying and spewing and urinating all over the carpet.It is customary at the start of a new year for the Queen (God Save Her and Roger Her Senseless) to unveil her New Year's Honours List, in which she bestows various honours upon the great and good of her glorious Empire. This year is no exception, although I must confess to being slightly perplexed as to my omission from the list, what with me being so ruddy fantastic, and all. Maybe Her Majesty was rather drunk at the time she compiled the list, and forgot to put me on it. Yes, that must be it.Anyhow, what is good enough for the Queen is good enough for me, so I thought I might award some new year's honours myself, in the mighty form of The Golden Cock of Excellence.The first appearance of The Golden Cock of Excellence, back in November, turned a few heads and moistened more than its fair share of undergarments. S...

The Most Erotic Portrait the World Has Ever Seen
2007-12-31 05:07:00
December 31st, 1856.So, the year eighteen fifty-six is finally coming to its inevitable, thrusting climax; and soon I shall find myself gently entering the year eighteen fifty-seven, in which I shall no doubt be faced with a slew of new astonishing adventures, and more than my fair share of buxom wenches to pump wildly. I await the next twelve months with excitement and more than a little moistness.Eighteen fifty-six has been an extraordinary year for me, what with me tracking down murderous prostitutes, defeating a crazed, Russian megalomaniac, getting drunk, traveling to the United States, building a cock-shaped extension to my fabulous mansion, getting drunk, fighting the undead, and even momentarily misplacing my marvelous moustache. And getting drunk.To commemorate the past twelve months, I thought it only proper that I commission another portrait of my excellent self, to be displayed at the entrance of the village in which I reside, to remind the villagers and anyone passing t...
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