The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely

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Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

The Most Erotic Portrait the World Has Ever Seen
2007-12-31 02:40:00
December 31st, 1856.So, the year eighteen fifty-six is finally coming to its inevitable, thrusting climax; and soon I shall find myself gently entering the year eighteen fifty-seven, in which I shall no doubt be faced with a slew of new astonishing adventures, and more than my fair share of buxom wenches to pump wildly. I await the next twelve months with excitement and more than a little moistness.Eighteen fifty-six has been an extraordinary year for me, what with me tracking down murderous prostitutes, defeating a crazed, Russian megalomaniac, getting drunk, traveling to the United States, building a cock-shaped extension to my fabulous mansion, getting drunk, fighting the undead, and even momentarily misplacing my marvelous moustache. And getting drunk.To commemorate the past twelve months, I thought it only proper that I commission another portrait of my excellent self, to be displayed at the entrance of the village in which I reside, to remind the villagers and anyone passing t...
More About: World , The World , Erotic , Portrait

The Beast of Christmas Present
2007-12-27 17:05:00
Christmas Day, 1856.Well, what a fine Christmas-time I am having this year.Not only have I already enjoyed urinating on a beggar, and having intercourse with a ghost, but today I received a rather marvelous present from my wretched man-servant, Botter.I rose early on Christmas morn, and was looking forward to thrashing my man-servant to within an inch of his miserable life, as a festive treat to myself. However, when I ventured downstairs, I found that Botter looked like he had been given a thorough going-over already. His clothes were in tatters (rather more so than is usual for one as unkempt as he), his hair was ruffled and he bore large, terrible scratches about his face and arms."What in the blazes have you been up to, Botter?" I enquired. "You look as if you have been dragged through a bush backwards, and then beaten up by the bush. What have you been doing?""Sorry, milord," Botter apologised, lightly dabbing at his seeping wounds with a handkerchief. "I was trying to wrap yo...
More About: Christmas , Present , Beast

The Beast of Christmas Present
2007-12-27 15:27:00
Christmas Day, 1856.Well, what a fine Christmas-time I am having this year.Not only have I already enjoyed urinating on a beggar, and having intercourse with a ghost, but today I received a rather marvelous present from my wretched man-servant, Botter.I rose early on Christmas morn, and was looking forward to thrashing my man-servant to within an inch of his miserable life, as a festive treat to myself. However, when I ventured downstairs, I found that Botter looked like he had been given a thorough going-over already. His clothes were in tatters (rather more so than is usual for one as unkempt as he), his hair was ruffled and he bore large, terrible scratches about his face and arms."What in the blazes have you been up to, Botter?" I enquired. "You look as if you have been dragged through a bush backwards, and then beaten up by the bush. What have you been doing?""Sorry, milord," Botter apologised, lightly dabbing at his seeping wounds with a handkerchief. "I was trying to wrap yo...
More About: Christmas , Present , Beast , Resent

A Very Likely Christmas
2007-12-22 06:18:00
Presenting a special double-length festive adventure, in one giant, throbbing part.December, 1856. It was Christmas Eve, and I was in London Town, doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, for myself, of course. I had thus far treated myself to a solid-gold moustache comb, five bottles of whisky and a particularly pornographic pamphlet entitled 'Shoeless Hussies'. All being told, it was proving to be a most successful expedition."Can you spare a penny, guv?" croaked an awful, wizened old creature as I passed by, engrossed in my copy of Shoeless Hussies."Pardon?" I asked."Can you spare a penny, guv?" repeated the beggar."Why yes, I most certainly could spare a penny. I shan't, however, as you are much too ghastly and disgusting to waste even ha'penny on." I said, scornfully."Oh, c'mon, guv! It's Christmas after all! Surely you can spend a penny on a poor, crippled, homeless man?"I stopped and slowly turned to face the repellent being, a smile creeping across my lordly lips."Ah...

A Very Likely Christmas
2007-12-22 05:39:00
Presenting a special double-length festive adventure, in one giant, throbbing part.December, 1856. It was Christmas Eve, and I was in London Town, doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, for myself, of course. I had thus far treated myself to a solid-gold moustache comb, five bottles of whisky and a particularly pornographic pamphlet entitled 'Shoeless Hussies'. All being told, it was proving to be a most successful expedition."Can you spare a penny, guv?" croaked an awful, wizened old creature as I passed by, engrossed in my copy of Shoeless Hussies."Pardon?" I asked."Can you spare a penny, guv?" repeated the beggar."Why yes, I most certainly could spare a penny. I shan't, however, as you are much too ghastly and disgusting to waste even ha'penny on." I said, scornfully."Oh, c'mon, guv! It's Christmas after all! Surely you can spend a penny on a poor, crippled, homeless man?"I stopped and slowly turned to face the repellent being, a smile creeping across my lordly lips."Ah...

Balls of Steel, and Rod of Iron
2007-12-20 05:15:00
November, 1856."Are you comfortable?" chortled Silas Surprise, as he double-checked the locks on the box inside of which my lordly form was now contained."I would be considerably more comfortable if I was not inside this box," I ventured."Ha! A commendable try, your lordship! Most commendable indeed! Alas, I am afraid you are to remain exactly where you are! I mean, how else am I to saw a lord in half if I do not have a lord to saw in half?" Silas chimed, testing the blades of his saw with his finger."Good God, man!" I snapped, shaking violently inside the box. "You are truly, desperately insane! You would face me unchained, mano y mano, if you were any sort of man!""Oh, your lordship! After I have performed this dazzling trick..." Silas spun round, brandishing his saw, its blade glinting menacingly under the stage-lights. "...I shall be twice the man you shall be! Ha-ha!""I have to admit, that is rather clever. Well done!" I said."Thank you, your lordship. Now onto the main event! ...
More About: Balls , Steel , Iron

Balls of Steel, and Rod of Iron
2007-12-20 03:33:00
November, 1856."Are you comfortable?" chortled Silas Surprise, as he double-checked the locks on the box inside of which my lordly form was now contained."I would be considerably more comfortable if I was not inside this box," I ventured."Ha! A commendable try, your lordship! Most commendable indeed! Alas, I am afraid you are to remain exactly where you are! I mean, how else am I to saw a lord in half if I do not have a lord to saw in half?" Silas chimed, testing the blades of his saw with his finger."Good God, man!" I snapped, shaking violently inside the box. "You are truly, desperately insane! You would face me unchained, mano y mano, if you were any sort of man!""Oh, your lordship! After I have performed this dazzling trick..." Silas spun round, brandishing his saw, its blade glinting menacingly under the stage-lights. "...I shall be twice the man you shall be! Ha-ha!""I have to admit, that is rather clever. Well done!" I said."Thank you, your lordship. Now onto the main event! ...
More About: Balls , Steel , Iron

Lord Likely chases the dragon
2007-12-16 03:51:00
November, 1856."Well," I said, pulling my trousers back up following my recent bout of intercourse. "I think that concludes my...cross examination. Now, Mr. Silas Surprise, I shall be going, but I dare say that I shall return in due course, and I shall bring with me conclusive evidence that you are nothing more than a foul murderer, and a wretched shit, to boot.""Well, good luck with your investigation," Silas remarked, innocently. "I do hope you find the cad responsible.""Hmph," I snorted, fixing the magician with an ice-cold stare. "Indeed I shall, sir. Indeed I shall.""Oh! But where are my manners?" Silas suddenly exclaimed loudly, slapping his forehead. "Here you are, having come to visit me, and I have been a terrible host! I have offered you nothing.""I...would not say that," I replied, glancing suggestively at the young minx I had just shagged on Silas' dresser. "You have been most...accommodating. For a murderous hound, of course.""Won't you join me in a drink, your lordsh...
More About: Lord , Dragon , The Dragon

Lord Likely chases the dragon
2007-12-15 23:33:00
November, 1856."Well," I said, pulling my trousers back up following my recent bout of intercourse. "I think that concludes my...cross examination. Now, Mr. Silas Surprise, I shall be going, but I dare say that I shall return in due course, and I shall bring with me conclusive evidence that you are nothing more than a foul murderer, and a wretched shit, to boot.""Well, good luck with your investigation," Silas remarked, innocently. "I do hope you find the cad responsible.""Hmph," I snorted, fixing the magician with an ice-cold stare. "Indeed I shall, sir. Indeed I shall.""Oh! But where are my manners?" Silas suddenly exclaimed loudly, slapping his forehead. "Here you are, having come to visit me, and I have been a terrible host! I have offered you nothing.""I...would not say that," I replied, glancing suggestively at the young minx I had just shagged on Silas' dresser. "You have been most...accommodating. For a murderous hound, of course.""Won't you join me in a drink, your lordsh...
More About: Lord , Dragon , The Dragon , Hase

Wherein his lordship pumps a suspect for clues.
2007-12-14 02:14:00
November, 1856.The first thing I noticed about Mr. Silas Surprise was the enormous size of his wand.I could not help but notice it, really. As Archie, the doctor and I entered Mr. Surprise's dressing-room to confront him over our recent tussle with an alarmingly un-dead gentleman, we found the conjurer standing proudly next to a mirror, holding his wand aloft with considerable pride."My word," I said. "That is rather a large wand you have there, sir.""Why thank you," replied Silas, a broad, beaming smile creeping across his face. "I do believe it is the largest wand in all of the Empire, you know.""That may be," I concurred. "But then, you do know what they say about gentlemen with large wands, do you not?""No. Pray tell, my good sir, what is it they say?""They say that gentlemen with big wands have pitifully small penises."Silas' face darkened. "Oh really. And who are 'they' who make such slanderous comments, if I may ask?""They are me and my proud Lord Palmerston," I said, poi...
More About: Pumps , Clues , Suspect

Wherein his lordship pumps a suspect for clues.
2007-12-13 15:51:00
November, 1856.The first thing I noticed about Mr. Silas Surprise was the enormous size of his wand.I could not help but notice it, really. As Archie, the doctor and I entered Mr. Surprise's dressing-room to confront him over our recent tussle with an alarmingly un-dead gentleman, we found the conjurer standing proudly next to a mirror, holding his wand aloft with considerable pride."My word," I said. "That is rather a large wand you have there, sir.""Why thank you," replied Silas, a broad, beaming smile creeping across his face. "I do believe it is the largest wand in all of the Empire, you know.""That may be," I concurred. "But then, you do know what they say about gentlemen with large wands, do you not?""No. Pray tell, my good sir, what is it they say?""They say that gentlemen with big wands have pitifully small penises."Silas' face darkened. "Oh really. And who are 'they' who make such slanderous comments, if I may ask?""They are me and my proud Lord Palmerston," I said, poi...
More About: Pumps , Clues , Suspect

The Horrifying Horror of the Undead Bounder
2007-12-10 19:48:00
November, 1856.When one dies, I firmly believe that one should stay dead. It is rather bad form to suddenly spring back to life, and considerably worse form still to then attempt to eat the brains of anyone else in the vicinity. People tend to frown upon such cannibalistic actions in polite society.Yet it was precisely this predicament with which I was faced on this November evening, as a rather obnoxious gentleman whom I had witnessed expiring mere moments earlier, was now very much not-dead and eager to tuck into my lordly grey-matter. Some people can be frightfully rude, sometimes."Bugger off!" I yelled out, as the recently-deceased ragamuffin clawed at me. "Just bugger off to buggery, you foul fucking fiend!" My words seemed to have no discernible effect upon the being, so I decided to reiterate my demands by thwacking the creature around the head with my cane. The wretch staggered back, and then tripped over his own feet, landing in a rather comical bundle upon the floor.Meanwh...
More About: Horror

The Horrifying Horror of the Undead Bounder
2007-12-10 16:36:00
November, 1856.When one dies, I firmly believe that one should stay dead. It is rather bad form to suddenly spring back to life, and considerably worse form still to then attempt to eat the brains of anyone else in the vicinity. People tend to frown upon such cannibalistic actions in polite society.Yet it was precisely this predicament with which I was faced on this November evening, as a rather obnoxious gentleman whom I had witnessed expiring mere moments earlier, was now very much not-dead and eager to tuck into my lordly grey-matter. Some people can be frightfully rude, sometimes."Bugger off!" I yelled out, as the recently-deceased ragamuffin clawed at me. "Just bugger off to buggery, you foul fucking fiend!" My words seemed to have no discernible effect upon the being, so I decided to reiterate my demands by thwacking the creature around the head with my cane. The wretch staggered back, and then tripped over his own feet, landing in a rather comical bundle upon the floor.Meanwh...
More About: Horror

The mystery thickens, curdles and then goes off.
2007-12-06 21:57:00
November, 1856."Is there a doctor in the house?" I repeated to the crowd of stunned faces before me. No-one moved a muscle, until one rather plump woman stood up and pointed a shaking finger at the recently deceased fellow, lying in a pool of his own blood on the stage behind me, a solitary playing card sticking out of his forehead."He...he's DEAD!" she screamed, before swooning into a dead faint."Oh butter my balls," I sighed, as the theatre erupted into a cacophony of cries and gasps, with people running to and fro in a delirious panic, falling over one another in a vain attempt to escape the horror that lay before them. I patiently watched this farce unfold before my eyes, until I decided I'd had quite enough, and attempted to take control of the situation."FOR THE LOVE OF COCK," I bellowed. "WILL YOU ALL PLEASE CALM YOURSELVES DOWN, AND CEASE YOUR BLOODY WAILINGS FOR ONE BASTARD MINUTE, YOU LILY-LIVERED BUNCH OF USELESS TWAT-HOLES!"There was a shocked silence as everyone froze...
More About: Mystery , Then

A Brief Commercial Break
2007-12-03 13:04:00
December, 1856.- Lord Likely Other places of interest:humor-blogs.com | The Pisstakers | Fuel His LordshipThe Best Bit of the InternetNew! Digital Sickbag> Subscribe in a reader
More About: Commercial , Break

In which an unfortunate fellow is slain by a King.
2007-11-29 21:21:00
November, 1856.As I finally took my seat in the theatre's auditorium, next to my man-servant Botter, the curtains rose on what was going to prove to be an unforgettable show - for all the wrong reasons.First on were the chorus girls, with whom I had already had the pleasure of acquainting myself with earlier. It was something approaching a miracle that they were still able to dance with such vigour and energy, following the rigourous pumping I had bestowed upon their collective fundaments mere moments ago.While the ladies high-kicked their way across the stage, I found myself growing increasingly irritated by a gentleman sat in front of me, who was wearing a top hat of such ridiculous height that it was marring my view of the scantily-clad strumpets. I tried my best to angle myself so I could better enjoy the ladies' rather raunchy act, but it was to no avail."Sir!" I hissed, tapping the fellow on the shoulder. "Sir, may I just politely ask that you remove your hat, please. It is ...
More About: King

Wherein his lordship takes a trip down Memory Lane, and vomits up some anec
2007-11-26 22:13:00
November, 1856.Needless to say, after being caught with his trousers around his ankles with a solitary playing card sticking out of his arse-crack, Archibald the Entirely Adequate looked more than slightly embarrassed, and less than entirely adequate."And what is going on here?" I asked, with mock outrage in my voice."Good heavens! Likely!" my old school-chum gasped, recognising my handsome features in a flash. "Um...this? This...well, this... is a new trick I'm...um...practicing," Archie stuttered."Really?" I sniffed. "Or is it merely a rather feeble attempt to get a lady to touch your buttocks?""Uh..." Archie dithered, his brain resolutely failing to proffer forth anything even vaguely approaching a witty retort."Same old Archie," I mused, snatching the playing card from the conjurer's crevice and presenting it to Archie's bemused-looking female assistant. "Was this your card, my dear?" I asked."Well, um, to be truthful, sir, no. No it was not." The scantily-clad siren replied....
More About: Memory , Lane , Trip , Vomit , Some

A forced entrance, and an uncomfortable exit.
2007-11-23 01:01:00
November, 1856.Having rather skillfully and artfully negotiated my entrance into the theatre, I was feeling somewhat chipper, that is until my progress was once again impeded upon, this time by a rather old chap wearing a comically ill-fitting waistcoat. I regarded him with barely-concealed derision."Good evening, sirs," the fellow croaked. "Could I just see your tickets, please?""Tickets?" I snorted. "Tickets? What is all this about?""I just need to check your tickets for the show, sirs," the old wretch continued."My good man," I said, resting a hand upon the fellow's shoulder. "I am Lord Likely, aristocratic adventurer and peer to the realm. As such, I do not make a habit of paying for things, and that is a habit I do not intend to break now.""I'm afraid I must see your tickets, sir," the buffoon went on. "We are getting close to capacity tonight, and I'm afraid we do not have any gratuities left to hand out. You...you'll have to purchase tickets from the box-office if you wis...
More About: Forced , Entrance

In which his lordship hits the town - right in the balls.
2007-11-19 23:52:00
November 20th, 1856.It was a freezing cold, damp and drizzly November evening, and rather than being snugly ensconced in the warmth of my luxurious mansion, I was outside, standing in the rain, getting wetter and more irate with each passing second."What in the name of blue-arsed buggery am I doing here?" I snapped angrily."Um...it was your idea, milord," replied my equally sodden man-servant, Botter."My idea?!" I snorted. "It was my idea to come and stand in the pouring rain, freezing my balls off, with only you for company? I find that very hard to believe.""Well, milord, you did say that...""Botter, please, do not tell me my own mind. That will only enrage me, and then you shall be beaten about the head. Do you understand?""But I - "And so, rather inevitably, I clouted Botter around the head with my cane. He yelped in pain."Now let that be a lesson to you, Botter, I do not want to...what-ho!" I said, suddenly espying a poster upon the wall nearby. "Look, Botter, there's that sho...
More About: Balls , Town , Hits , The Town

The day I ejaculated upon the Queen's face
2007-11-15 14:09:00
November, 1856.Today shall be the final entry concerning my centenary, as I wrap up this two-week long celebration, which has seen me recollecting my finest moments, commissioning a spectacular portrait and, of course, doling out glorious, glittering golden cocks. It has been wonderful fun, and there has been much jubilation and revelry, not to mention drunkenness and debauchery.But now, for this final part of the celebrations, I wish to adopt a more solemn tone, as I recall one of the most terribly embarrassing experiences of my lordly life thus far. You may well be thinking that I live a life free of shame and regret, but occasionally even one as beyond reproach as I am prone to moments of misjudged madness.The incident which I shall shamefully recall concerns my well-documented lust for Her Majesty, Queen Victoria. Oh! Even writing her name makes my Lord Palmerston stiffen with a mixture of pride and arousal!Ever since the Queen took to the throne in 1837, I have become somewhat...
More About: Face , The Queen

And Now For An Advertisement
2007-11-13 04:09:00
November, 1856.- Lord Likelyhumor-blogs.com | The Pisstakers | Fuel His LordshipThe Best Bit of the InternetThe World's Most Erotic Snowmen> Subscribe in a reader
More About: Advertisement , Vert

In which His lordship is Framed and then Hanged
2007-11-10 00:28:00
November 10th, 1856.With my centennial celebrations in full swing, I was feeling particularly jubilant and high-spirited yesterday, so thought I would celebrate my recent milestone by commissioning a portrait of myself, to forever immortalise my ravishing form, and to no doubt act as a masturbatory aid for lonely housewives. And men too, I would wager.Of course, first I would need a suitable artist, one who could adequately capture my astounding handsomeness and general wonderfulness, and not make me look like a terrible, fat twat."Get me John Constable!" I barked at Botter, certain that Constable would be the perfect choice to paint my lordly portrait."Um...he's dead, milord. He died some twenty years ago," my man-servant mumbled apologetically."Bastard." I snapped. "What did he go and do that for? That's put me in an awkward position, and no doubt.""If I may, milord, I do know of a very good local artist, who painted a pretty good portrait of Lord and Lady Hungwell for their ann...
More About: Then

Lord Likely's Golden Cock of Excellence
2007-11-08 03:46:00
November, 1856.Having recently completed my one-hundredth exhilarating entry in these very journals, I decided to celebrate this centennial by imbibing one-hundred pints of beer, whilst hosting a massive orgy featuring some one-hundred ladies. Needless to say, the combination of such a large amount of alcohol and numerous wet, sweaty bodies did not mix well, and I soon found myself in hospital with a terrible injury to my beloved Lord Palmerston (the pseudonym I have bestowed upon my fine gentleman's member). The upshot of it all was that I required a terribly symbolic one-hundred stitches to my mighty organ, and was told that I would not be able to so much as wipe my poor Palmerston on a female's chin, let alone even contemplate engaging in the sex-act for the next two weeks.Disaster!As I laid recumbent in my hospital bed, I found myself being fussed over by a rather delightful nurse who's fine figure made my Lord Palmerston twitch with excitement, sending shock waves of pain te...
More About: Cock , Golden

The Likely Centenary: His Lordship's Greatest Hits
2007-11-06 02:21:00
November 5th, 1856.Remember, remember the fifth of November. Not because of that awful terrorist bastard Guy Fawkes, and his preposterous plan to blow up the Houses of Parliament. No, dear readers, the real reason to remember this historic day is that it is the very day that I, Lord Likely, celebrate my one-hundredth journal entry! Hurrah, and indeed, huzzah!Who would have imagined that when I set out to transcribe my thrilling adventures in my trusted journals all those months ago, that I would still be writing them one-hundred entries later?Well, I would have imagined it, of course, as I am cocking-well brilliant.Naturally, to celebrate such a milestone I set about cracking open a fresh bottle of champagne - quite literally, infact, as Botter did a terrible job of opening the bottle himself, leaving me with little recourse but to smash the bottle open upon his wretched skull. Of course, he then whined and moaned and carried on about needing 'several stitches' to his head, but I...
More About: Greatest Hits , Hits , Centenary , Greatest , Tena

A Horrifying Tale of Horror
2007-11-01 17:28:00
October 31st, 1856.Hallowe'en.Upon returning to the Likely Estate after my long, arduous, but nonetheless astonishing American Adventure, I was annoyed to find that there was scant food in the house, and the food which we did have had long since expired and gone off. Worse still, squirrels had somehow gotten into my lovely new Porn Library, and chewed their way through my entire thirty-eight volume Karma Sutra.I chastised Botter for allowing things to slide into such an awful state, to which he replied that he would have been more diligent, but he had been too busy accompanying me to America, and could not keep a close enough eye on the Estate from across the ocean. Needless to say, I clipped him around the ear for his insolent back-chat.Although exhausted from my recent travails, it was clear to me that there was no option but to take matters into my own hands, and venture into the city to replenish our supplies. I left Botter with instructions to set about cleaning up the mansion...
More About: Horror , Tale

Riding Off Into The Sunset
2007-10-28 02:10:00
July, 1856.Lance took my unconscious form back down to Camp Camp, where I was immediately taken in by the Red Rump Tribe and given the very best medical aid they had to offer. I do not recall much of this part of my adventure, as I flitted in and out of consciousness, although I do recall being tended to by Titty-Titty, the tribe's only female. On a fair few occasions I opened my eyes, to find her leant over me, wiping my brow or redressing my wounds, her ample bosom brushing against my face and causing my Lord Palmerston to twitch in excitement. I have many happy memories of those mammaries, I can tell you.As Titty-Titty nursed me back to health over the days, we got to talking and I found her to be a most charming, if slightly bashful creature. That is, until the topic of sexual intercourse reared it's massive, purple head. Being the only female in a camp full of homosexual Indians had clearly taken it's toll on poor Titty-Titty, and her eyes lit up with fervent excitement as I...
More About: Sunset , Riding

Penis of Death
2007-10-24 13:45:00
July 30th, 1856.Ignoring Lance's protestations, I climbed up the remainder of Mount Penis , with lightning flashing about me, and torrential rain lashing at my face as I struggled up the rocks. I recall thinking that if they ever found a way of capturing moving images onto some sort of film, that this particular moment would make for a particularly exciting and dramatic moment, possibly accentuated by a stirring orchestral score.As I continued my ascent, my deep, unbridled hatred for Captain Huw Anchor grew and grew. Not only had he killed my poor, dear, half-brother Ludlow, but to cap it all Anchor had an incredibly ravishing wife with fine breasts, of whom I thought he was most undeserving. By the time I reached the summit of Mount Penis, I was shaking with furious rage.Anchor was standing atop the mount, nursing his wounded arm and recently shot leg. He saw me clamber onto the peak, and smiled his sickeningly smug smile."Ah-hah, your lordship!" he smirked. "So glad you could join...
More About: Death

Death of a Likely
2007-10-20 12:50:00
July 30th, 1856.Lance, Ludlow and I made after the criminal and corrupt captain, Huw Anchor, who seemed to be rather more sprightly than a man who had just been shot in the arm had any right to be.As we gave chase, I noticed that the weather was worsening, with thick, dark clouds forming above us, accompanied by the distant low, rumbling sounds of an approaching thunderstorm."Hmm," I said aloud. "How very dramatic."We reached Mount Penis, which really had no business calling itself a mount, as it was only about eighty-foot high, but the 'Penis' part of it's name was certainly apropos, as it did resemble a penis, albeit a slightly wonky and unimpressive penis at that.Anchor was scaling the mount with surprising efficiency, although why he had chosen to scale it at all was beyond me. What did he propose to do when he got up there? Fly? The man was quite clearly either highly theatrical, or insane. Or both.We climbed up after him, Lance and myself making good progress while Ludlow f...
More About: Death

The Battle of Cockshaft Canyon
2007-10-18 03:36:00
30th July, 1856"I am sorry, Lordy," wailed my treacherous half-brother, Ludlow, doing his utmost to avoid my rage-filled stare. "Business is business, you understand that, don't you? I mean... you would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes, right?""If I were in your shoes," I hissed, "I would have thrown myself onto that ruddy camp-fire right now, and ended my worthless, miserable existence."Ludlow scratched the back of his head nervously, and stepped back behind Captain Huw Anchor, who was looking rather too pleased with himself."Well," said Anchor, smiling a sickeningly broad smile, "that was a really touching family reunion. It really was. I think I'm getting tearful, honestly." He cackled loudly, then in a trice he was standing toe-to-toe with Lance, my other brother who, despite his criminal leanings and penchant for bestiality, had so far proven to be far more trustworthy than that worm Ludlow."Now listen here, cowboy," Anchor jeered, prodding Lance in the chest ...
More About: Battle

Utter Bastards
2007-10-15 14:00:00
July, 1856Lance and I watched for a few more minutes as the posse of men rampaged through the Red Rump tribe's campsite, then we withdrew from our vantage point atop Cockshaft Canyon to formulate a plan to overcome this group of horseback bastards."I say we go down there, guns ablazin', and shoot each an' every one of 'em dead," Lance snarled, drawing his pistol from it's holster."An excellent plan, Lance, however it falls down on one crucial point. There are but two of us, and at least twelve of them. By the time we had shot off our first round we'd be riddled so full of holes they could use our corpses to strain spaghetti.""Oh. Right." Lance fell silent, his brow knotted in deep concentration. "Okay, then, what about we get a big ol' cannon, wheel it up to the edge of the canyon and BOOM! Blow 'em all to kingdom come?""Hmmm." I mused. "I think that plan is possibly even more asinine than your first.""Ass-what?" said Lance."Never mind," I sighed. "Now do be quiet, and let m...