The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely

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First Class Male
2008-06-02 04:04:00
June 1st, 1857.If all goes according to plan, and he does not wind up stranded on a desert island, or finds himself embroiled in a military coup, his lordship shall be gracing these pages again this week. Huzzah!You may all synchronize your pocket-watches now.While you wait, do feel free to browse the marvellous selection of guest-posts that were penned in his lordship's absence, and for which we have been truly grateful. Top show, gentlemen!- Mr. A.D. Fanton, editor, The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely.*****Further Amusements With Which You May EntertainYourself Whilst His Lordship is Absent:Lord Likely's Terrific Teaser Trailer - see his lordship in action!Digital Sickbag - see what my useless scribe and co-writer is up to, if you care.The Carrotty Kid Animated Adventure; as written and created by Mr. A.D FantonThe Carrotty Kid- something is growing...gaup: celebrity gossip with a twist.Other places of interest:Popmash The Clay PigeonFuelMyBlog Blog Catalog humor-blogs.com...
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Likely in Exile - Part the Second
2008-05-29 02:04:00
—Lord Likely in Exile in Australia—Lord Likely rises to power in Australia.Part Two, in which, his cream rising to the top, Lord Likely becomes master of his domain:May 21, 1862I begin to father numerous children. The husbands of the children’s mothers are not amused.---So there I was, standing on the balcony in my nightshirt in the cool evening breeze, Lord Palmerston hanging drowsily in temporary repose from his recent exertions, the imminently satisfied nubile Chesterfield twins peacefully asleep on the bed behind me.As I stood there leaning over the iron railing and gazing idly over the sleeping camp, enjoying a fine post-climactic cigar, I contemplated my current predicament.Several irate husbands of the camp ladies are apparently hell-bent on stretching my Lordly neck with a common rope. To make matters even worse, they had the full sympathy of Her Majesty’s Territorial Governor, the Duke of Chesterfield, father of the temporarily-sated twin girls currently dreamily en...

Likely in Exile - Part the First.
2008-05-26 16:21:00
—The Sad Chronicles of Lord Likely in Exile —Part One: Lord Likely lands in Australia.“With the aid of a friendly native, I come upon my new home.�19th May, 1861Botany BaySydney, New South WalesHer Majesty’s Austrailian TerritoriesSo there I was, standing, finally, on the soil of my new homeland, staring at the smiling red-haired wench and experiencing my first Australian erection.Suddenly, the oppressive gloom that had followed me on my long voyage lifted. With a smile, I quickly undid my trousers and loosed the mighty Lord Palmerston to the morning breeze. It was invigorating! I realized that, far from being in captivity, I was at last truly free for the first time in my life.Standing thus fully “unsheathed� as it were, I turned my attentions back to the buxom lady, who, I couldn’t help but notice, had rather increased her attentions in my direction as well.All the Victorian restraints of my native land were behind me now, and how I reveled in my new freedom of bein...

What the Dickens?
2008-05-21 02:02:00
The Tower of London, 10th of April in the year of Our Lord 1857 This document is being written in the hope that it might be smuggled out of this wretched place and its contents disseminated, so that I may be freed and my name cleared. At the very least, I hope that my family and all the Dickkens to follow will know the truth about me. My name is Charles Dickkens, and I am the proud bearer of my family name.I am a writer who only seeks to document the truth and wishes to bring to light social injustice and the miseries of my times. My story is a simple one. My start in life is simple and my fall from grace simpler still. For I was no match for that devil called Lord Likely. Pray, dear reader, for I believe you to be a person of kind heart and trustful disposition, and I rely on your magnitude of heart to look charitably on this state of opprobrium. So let us begin. I, Charles Dickkens was born at an early age, and after a period of time spent as an apprentice nutmeg mender, I slowly...
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The Cockney Slapper
2008-05-17 02:47:00
If ever I'm asked to name my favourite periodical - and it hasn't happened yet but one never gives up hope - then I shall leap to my feet and proclaim clearly and with great pride that I never go anywhere without a rolled up edition of The Cockney Slapper tucked down the front of my breeches.Its compact form protects one's ever-so-valuables from errant bullets or personal knife attacks from vagrant children and it also harbours a veritable cornucopia of titbits of news and information which no discerning gentleman should be without.When I'm in need of the most up-to-date ruminations on Her Majesty's Imperial thrusts in the Indian subcontinent then it's to The Cockney Slapper that I turn.Or when I want to tax my cognitive prowess with one of those imaginative Crossed Words examinations of personal knowledge then The Cockney Slapper comes to the rescue once more as each issue contains nine such mental tests ranging in complexity from Chimney Sweep right up to Cambridge Graduate....

The Likely Letters
2008-05-15 02:32:00
Inquires Continue for Missing Heiress. Scotland Yard Remains Hopeful.The investigation over the disappearance of Miss. Elizabeth Hathawaycontinues. Inspector Spunkleford of the Yard revealed to the Press severalpieces of evidence, in the form of letters taken from the missing girl's room."We intend to find the young lady", said Spunkleford. "These letters give usseveral new avenues of inquiry."*****Lord Likely is currently away, adventuring in foreign climes and trying to spread his seed across the entire civillised world, and some rather uncivillised parts as well.To-day's guest post comes courtesy of Mr. Don Lewis, from the most rib-tickling and bladder-punishingly chucklesome web-log It's A Funny Thing. His lordship commends Mr. Lewis on his excellent work and his rather remarkable penmanship. If e'er there was a man who could hold a pen as steadily and with as much skill as Mr. Lewis, then his lordship has yet to meet him. Hoorah and huzzah, sir!If you should like to pen a g...
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A Yankee Doodle
2008-05-12 14:09:00
Still woozy, I missed the 'All Rise!', and Doctor Watson jarred me awake rudely."Ouch!" I complained. The act of dragging the thick, heavy shackles upward seemed impossible, but I complied.The man at the bench -presumably the Judge- set his glasses on his nose and eyed me carefully. "Is he drunk, Chief Inspector?""I don't believe so sir," replied the dignified looking old man. "I found him unconscious at the scene of the crime.""Very well then Spunkleford," he says. "Let us proceed."The banging of the gavel brings agonized bolts searing though my bandaged head."What are the charges?" asks the Judge with disinterest."The Defendant is hereby accused of breaking into the Likely Manor, violating, and then ultimately killing livestock which is the sole property of His Lordship!""Man," I says. "You got a way of making this all sound so tawdry-""Silence!" demanded the Judge, banging his gavel painfully again."Okee Dokie," I says wincing."Yesterday I found him," Spunkleford continues, ...
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Bummage and Quim
2008-05-10 11:35:00
c/o Sir Henry FelchingtonBummage & Quim Home Decor Ltd.Felchington EstateCummington PalaceCummingtonCU72 9XVSir Henry Felchington,On the birth of our saviour in the year of 1856 just passed, my good wife presented me with a gift of incredible magnitude, a full scale crystal replica of the phallus belonging to esteemed adventurer and aristocrat, Lord Likely.I awaited until the 28th day of December before visiting your Bummage & Quim emporium on the Felchington Estate and upon arrival, I explained to one of your servants that I required a strong, sturdy formula which would secure the art piece well above our fireplace.One of your servants kindly suggested "Dr. Euston Cockrot's 'All-Tight' Formula", an experimental substance concocted from semen of urchin and phlegm of wench which to the best of my knowledge, has received acclaim from Lord John Rimming the Forth, an expert within the field of home decor.We purchased the adhesive for a total of four shillings and thruppence b...

Lord Likely Goes
2008-05-07 03:41:00
April the Seventh, 1857."Botter," I said, as I strode into the living room of my luxurious mansion on a sunny, April morn. "Get yourself packed, my good man. We are going!""Going?" repeated Botter, adhering to a lifelong pattern of complete befuddlement and utter bewilderment. "Going where, milord?""I do not know, Botter. All I do know is that we are most definitely going."Botter looked at me quizzically."Are you sure you're alright, milord? Are you sure you still have a full compliment of marbles?""Good heavens, Botter! Is this concept really too much for you to grasp? I have the wanderlust, you ridiculous arse-pipe, and as such I wish to wander. Where to? I do not know. All I do know is that I wish to just...go. There is so much world out there left to explore; unimaginable adventures to be had; exotic, foreign ladies to be pumped full of my lordly sperm...we should grab the world by the buttocks, Botter, and thrust ourselves deeply within it. And as my uncle, the renowned watch-...
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Lord Likely Beats off the Beast
2008-05-06 17:46:00
April, 1857.So, there I was; standing in a moonlit wood with a monster's cock in my hands, inadvertently working him up into a state of complete arousal. It is funny how life turns out, sometimes.Having started to get the beast worked up, I reasoned that it was only polite to finish the job at (or, more precisely, in) hand, and so I set about the rather unpleasant task of bringing about the creature's climax.As I bashed away at the beast's bulging beast, Botter suddenly returned, having abandoned me some time earlier."Botter, you wretched little cock-smear! Where the devil have you been?" I asked, as I continued my exertions."Um, sorry milord. I went back to the carriage, to er, retrieve your pistol," Botter replied, waving my pistol in the air triumphantly."So you were not just fleeing for your miserable life, then?""No, milord! Of course not, milord!""For some reason, I find myself not believing you, you cowardly little cockroach.""Um...milord...are you...are you administering ...
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Clawed Likely
2008-04-30 03:07:00
April, 1857."So, you must be Mr. The Beast," I said calmly, as the slavering beast advanced upon me. "I don't suppose you would care for a cup of tea, or something?""Grrrrrarrrgggh!" said the beast."Grrrrarrrgggh?" I repeated. "Good heavens, your diction is really quite awful. Now listen here, old chap, you've been rather an awful cad, and I'm afraid that we are going to have to -"Before I could finish reprimanding the terrible beast, the brute swung at me with his powerful claws, resulting in him tearing my lovely blue suit."Well that does it, I'm afraid," I said. "Murder is bad enough, but I simply cannot abide such terrible manners!" And with that, I launched myself at the beast.We tussled for a while in among the bushes; the beast swiping at me with his huge paws, while I took to punching the foul creature about the face and snout. After what seemed like an eternity of such grappling, I realised that I was getting precisely nowhere.As I contemplated my next move, the beast p...

Into the Dark and Scary Woods
2008-04-25 20:19:00
April, 1857.After some considerable deliberation upon my part, I decided that rather than wait to receive another Venetian Cock Twist from the delectable Lady Rydeham-Harde, my time would be more productively spent venturing into the dark and scary woods, where the so-called beast had last been sighted."Are you sure, milord?" Botter asked nervously. "The woods are both dark and scary, after all.""Botter, sometimes I think you have a longer yellow streak than an elephant pissing down a cliff." I said. "We are going to explore the dark and scary woods and find us a beast, my good man, and that is my complete and utter final word on the subject. Except these six words: you really are a terrible twat.""Very good, milord," Botter replied, despondently."Now, Mr. Grimes," I continued, turning to face the gardener who had witnessed the beast's frenzied attack. "I think it would be most prurient for you to accompany us on this venture; after all, you did not only see the beast, but I'd say...
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Interval: Lord Likely Slays the Dragon
2008-04-23 15:06:00
April the Twenty-Third, 1857 - St. George 's Day.Today is St. George's Day, a day where loyal Englishmen up and down the land and throughout the Empire join together and do...well, nothing, really. Absolutely ruddy nothing.St. George's Day is often forgotten by my fellow Englishmen, who seem to prefer to celebrate St. Patrick's Day instead, usually by wearing over-sized green hats and drinking pint after pint of cheap Irish stout.Now, I have nothing against St. Patrick, or the Irish (though I would never willingly employ one, as I hear they are extremely sticky-fingered, prone to laziness and frequently feast on orphaned children). Indeed every March the Seventeenth, I may be found propping up a bar, toasting good old Saint Paddy. Well, any excuse for a drink.My only grumble is this: why do my fellow countrymen shun our very own patron saint in favour of that of the Irish? Can we not celebrate both, and get twice as drunk? I mean, what has St. Patrick ever done for us English, an...
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In Which His Lordship Gets A Head-Ache
2008-04-21 19:16:00
April, 1857."Well, come on then! What is that in your trousers, sir?" Lady Rydeham-Harde repeated.I looked down at the considerable bulge in my pocket, then looked up at the lady, then to Inspector Spunkleford, who was frantically nodding his head in the negative as if to suggest that I should definitely not whip out my proud Lord Palmerston in front of her ladyship."Come on, man! Out with it!" shrieked Lady Rydeham-Harde. I did not need to be asked twice."Well, since you ask, m'dear, I shall show you," I said calmly, and then I unzipped my flies, and liberated my throbbing organ from within my trousers."What on Earth is that?" gasped Lady Rydeham-Harde as she beheld my enormous erection."Oh, come, m'dear. You must have seen a penis before." I replied. "This is my mighty Lord Palmerston...please, feel free to touch him, if you like. He will not bite, although I cannot promise that he will not be sick upon you."Her ladyship gently put out a hand towards my stiffened member, and the...
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Getting to Grips with Her Ladyship
2008-04-18 01:38:00
April, 1857."Your ladyship, I have decided I would like to commence my investigations by seeing the body," I remarked, as I leaned casually against the banister of the stairs."Well, good," replied Lady Rydeham-Harde. "At last, some progress.""Of course, when I say 'the body', I mean 'your body'. And when I say 'seeing' I mean 'pumping.' To whit, I wish to ravish you, your ladyship."Lady Rydeham-Harde's face dropped in astonishment, and then before I knew it she lunged forward and slapped me hard across the face."Please, m'dear, surely we should adjourn to the bedroom before we commence the rough stuff?" I said, rubbing the side of my face."The very impertinence! Just who do you think you are?" she screamed."I am Lord Likely," I replied casually."Well, Mr. Likely, I don't know if making lewd advances towards recently bereaved women is part and parcel of your investigatory technique, but I for one shall not abide it! The very idea, sir! For shame! Just you wait until my hus...

Lord Likely and the Yes Man
2008-04-15 17:29:00
April, 1857."I shall take the case!" I exclaimed excitedly. "I shall go to Rydeham-Harde House, and I shall investigate the brutal murder of that poor, unfortunate maid!""That is just as well, Likely," said Inspector Spunkleford. "After all, we are at Rydeham-Harde House now.""What?" said I. It was at this point that I noticed that I was sitting in a cab with Spunkleford and Botter, outside the aforementioned residence. "How the devil did I get here?" I asked, somewhat bewildered."Well, you did seem to be taking forever to decide whether or not you would take the case, Likely. I mean, I did ask you last Saturday, after all. But rather than give me a straight answer, you just kept ruminating upon it, and then you said you couldn't possibly decide until Monday, and then you went and got incredibly drunk and wound up passing out, at which point your man-servant and I decided to take the liberty of bundling you into a cab anyway. And, well, here we are.""Right." I said. "So what day is...
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When In Doubt, Crack One Out
2008-04-12 03:09:00
April, 1857.Writing these very journals is usually an exceedingly simple task. Being so incredibly gifted and ridiculously talented, I find that writing is almost second-nature to me, like breathing, or love-making, or crapping into my man-servant's bed.However, as my last entry proves, I was having great difficulty in penning an article worthy of my gifts, and after a solid twelve minutes of furious scribbling I had still yet to craft a suitably thrilling and enticing piece of prose.It seemed that I had been stricken with the dreaded writer's block; and for that there was only one remedy - a good, hard wank. That should 'unblock' me and return me to my verbose and eloquent self, I reasoned.So, with my Lord Palmerston in one hand, and a copy of Victorian Housewives in the other, I set about pleasuring myself to the point of climax. As I viewed the stimulating images of ladies washing dishes, sweeping carpets and cooking roast dinners, I felt my mighty rod swell with my gentleman...
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It Was Possibly A Dark and Stormy Night
2008-04-09 03:36:00
April the Ninth, Eighteen Fifty-Seven.It was a dark and stormy night.I know that is a terribly clichéd way to commence a tale, but it also happens to be fact in this instance. It was a dark and stormy night. There was darkness, there was a storm and it was the night-time; thus all three of the crucial elements of a dark and stormy night were indeed present.What else could I say in these circumstances? I suppose I could deploy rather more florid terms, and claim that the night was 'bereft of light' and that the 'wind howled like a dog with its knackers trapped in a door', but I fear that is rather too much. We are all busy people, and therefore our story-telling needs to be succinct and to the point, so we can move on through the tale quickly and resume our day-to-day business of rutting and stuffing our faces with processed meats.Bugger me! I have already wasted two perfectly good paragraphs on my opening line. This is getting none of us anywhere, you know.So: it was a dark and ...
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Inching Ahead of the Competition
2008-04-07 06:53:00
Of course, whilst I will happily take Dr. Buttock's money for running his advertisement in my journals, I should like to make it clear that I have never made use of the advertised programme, nor will I ever need to do so.- Lord Likely.Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely:*****Notes, Notices and NotificationsLikely Tosses One Off! Lord Likely will be penning an article for the extremely excellent British Speak web-log, wherein his lordship will be writing about the act of onanism for the edification and education of readers worldwide, as well as cramming as many filthy euphemisms for having a wank as he can possibly muster. Do please stay tuned!Further Web-log Love: To-day his lordship takes great pleasure in announcing the addition of these fine web-logs to his exalted links list: Postcards From the Funny Farm, Cafe Hopcott, Edge of Sanity and It's A Funny Thing. Welcome along, ladies and gentleman! And Mr. Lewis.The Further Scrawlings of Mr. A.D Fanton:Digital S...
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A Most Hilarious Wheeze
2008-04-01 18:45:00
April 1st, 1857."What ails you milord? You seem remarkably down, if I may say so. You look like a man who lost a pound then found a penny, and that penny was covered in shit. Is everything alright, milord?"For once, Botter had proven to be rather astute. My countenance was indeed conveying my considerable concern and consternation. I nodded my head sadly and gently patted my man-servant's shoulder."Botter, I think you should sit down. I have some terrible news to impart to you.""Milord?""Please, sit, Botter. Sit."Botter regarded me with considerable puzzlement, and then sat down upon one of my most luxuriant armchairs."Not there, Botter," I sighed. "I don't want your filthy behind besmirching my finest furnishings. Sit over there, on that stool."Botter obliged, and took his place upon a rickety old stool in the corner of the room."Now, Botter. Botter. It is my sad and unfortunate duty to inform you of a particularly terrible event, an event so shockingly awful that you may well pa...
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The Astonishing Anger of Lord Likely
2008-03-29 17:03:00
or Lord Likely is One: The Final Chapter.March, 1857.Having been left a homeless wretch, caked in vomit and piss and with my natural sense of style and grace rent asunder, I was naturally more than a little displeased with those vagrant swines who had placed me in such a position.In fact, it would not be a terrible understatement to say that I was fucking livid, and dearly wished to crack open some skulls with the nearest blunt instrument.Talking of blunt instruments, my man-servant Botter met me at the scrap-yard residence of the blasted beggars, as I stormed in later that afternoon. My first inclination was to smash him right in his awful mouth for deserting me in my hour of need, but as he shuffled up to me I noticed he was holding my precious cane, long thought missing by my good self."Oh, be still my beating heart! 'Tis truly glorious to behold you once more! I had feared I had lost you forever, old friend!" I cried out joyously."It's good to see you too, milord," Botter ans...
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A Penny For One's Thoughts
2008-03-25 00:48:00
Somewhen, 1857.Now where was I?Ah, yes. In the gutter, in a pool of my own urine, apparently homeless and with no recollection of who I really was.In other (decidedly more succinct) words, I was in big trouble.I elected to try and get up, and maybe take a stroll to see if there was anything about that might help refresh my memory as to my true identity. It would transpire, however, that this plan was much easier to formulate than it was to practice, as getting to my feet proved to be a task of near Herculean effort. Every bone and muscle screamed with pain, and my head began to spin wildly like an out-of-control carousel driven by a drunk.I steadied myself against the wall behind me, and tried to regain some composure. As I did, I felt my trousers moisten, and not in a sexual way, either. I fumbled at the zipper of my trousers, and found that I was, in fact, urinating. I grappled with the gargantuan organ within my trousers, and directed it towards the wall, whilst urine gushed fort...
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Instant Head Relief
2008-03-21 03:19:00
March 21st, 1857.Another Brief Commercial Interlude- Lord Likely.Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: Likely is drunk. Very drunk INDEED.*****Presenting gaup - another quality venture from the cads responsible for these Astonishing Adventures.Spreading the love! More lucky web-loggers have been added to my lordly link-roll today. Please do give a warm and sensuous welcome to: Canucklehead, Random Chick, When Things Get Dark, Britishspeak, A Mere Trifle, My Dear and Digg'N For Diamonds. I hope you shall all feel right at home alongside my current, much-cherished chums!As his lordship attempts to penetrate each and every nook of the inter-net, we are proud to announce the unveiling of his latest undertaking - Lord Likely's Fanatical Followers, a brand-new fan club for Lord Likely on the ever-popular Facebook web-site. Do feel free to join up, and declare your moist lust for his lordship!May you all have a very Good - if not Astoundingly Wondrous - Good Friday! CHE...
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Hard Times
2008-03-16 17:00:00
or Lord Likely is One, chapter number six.Date unknown, 1857.I awoke with the most awful of headaches.I am no stranger to hangovers, of course. My hedonistic lifestyle dictates that I often wake up with a fierce, pounding headache and with little or no recollection of the previous twenty-four hours. Indeed, the entire of the 1830s remain a mystery to me still, being nothing more than a decade-long hangover.This time, however, was different. I could not recall one single damned thing, not even my name, who I was, or how I had come to be sitting in the street, in a puddle of my own piss (at least, I hoped it was mine).And why were people throwing coins at me, for cock's sake?"Get a job, you filthy, degenerate swine!" yelled one portly gentleman as he passed me by.I may have been completely clueless as to my own identity, but I was fairly certain I was not the sort of chap who tolerated that sort of slur upon my character.Did I even have a character? I could not remember."Go and take ...
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A Nice Foamy Head
2008-03-13 15:42:00
or Lord Likely is One, Chapter Number Five.Having pumped the incredibly freakish Jennifer, the Incredibly Freakish, and filled her with so much of my man-cream that she was nothing more than a walking, human éclair, I decided that it was high-time for a little light refreshment.I headed back to the scrap-yard, where I found my man-servant, Botter, already getting a head-start on the boozing."Botter, what in the name of Her Majesty's regal fanny do you think you are doing, man?" I snapped."I...I'm 'aving a drink, milord." Botter replied."And where, pray tell, is mine, hmmm?" I enquired."Um...I...well, you were busy, so I thought...erm..." Botter stuttered."You did not think, Botter. I know for a fact that you are entirely incapable of anything as taxing as thinking. Had you actually thought, then you would have remembered that you are my servant, and thus your entire purpose in your pointless, vapid existence is to serve me, and ensure my constant and continued comfort and content...
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Lord Likely Gets Dirty
2008-03-09 00:57:00
or Lord Likely is One - Part the Fourth.February, 1857.Miss Jennifer the Incredibly Freakish was an arresting, trouser-tightening sight; and I knew right there and then that I simply had to have her. And suffice to say, what I desire, I ultimately get.I am Lord Likely, after all."Why on Earth do you call this poor woman Jennifer the Incredibly Freakish?" I asked Kenneth the Hat, the so-called leader of the group of homeless wretches with whom I had wound up spending my precious time."Well, look at her!" Kenneth the Hat exclaimed. "She has neither the warty complexion nor the diseased mouth of a true 'omeless, like what we is.""She's a FREAK!" Flakey Jim chimed in."She is the most devilishly attractive freak I have seen for a while," I said. "I believe the last freak I desired was when I saw a curiously attractive bearded lady at the circus. Luckily, the beard transpired to be fake, although I can attest that she boasted a very real beard down below."The vagrants mumbled their disa...
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Mr. Hardy's Water-Proof Cock-Hat
2008-03-05 18:49:00
March, 1857.A Brief Commercial Interjection.- Lord Likely.Next Time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: His lordship's current adventure resumes, when Lord Likely gets incredibly freakish with Jennifer the Incredibly Freakish.*****Notes, Notices and Notifications.A Terribly Important Announcement! His lordship has very kindly decided to let all of you join him in The Cock and Balls (his preferred drinking establishment) for light and heavy refreshments, chit-chat and barely-concealed flirting. Do the honourable thing, and visit the Cock and Ball Inn right NOW! Many thanks.His lordship would like to take this opportunity to give his hardened, fully-engorged thanks to his loyal readers, for their continued support over the past year. His lordship is truly grateful, and wished that he could penetrate each and every one of you in return. Cheers!Welcome! The following web-loggers have had the the enormous honour of being added to his lordship's link list to-day. So please do ...
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Lord Likely is One: The Third Part
2008-03-01 16:48:00
February 24th, 1857.Against all my better judgement, I followed the foul-smelling, cider-swigging reprobate as he led us through the twisting back-streets and alley-ways of the city. I made sure that Botter, my man-servant, kept closely behind me, lest any more ruffians leapt from the shadows and tried to bugger me six ways to the Sudan. You might say he was maintaining a valiant rear-guard action."'Ere we is, sir," croaked the homeless wretch. "Our 'ome sweet 'ome, as it were.""I cannot help but notice we are in a scrap-yard," I said, not helping but noticing that we were in a scrap-yard."Heh, yeah. I 'spect it's a bit more 'umble than what you is used to," the vagrant beamed, whilst mangling the English language. "Wait 'ere, sir, an' I'll go an' get the boss.""The boss?" I repeated. "How in the name of cock-suckery does a homeless swine like you have a boss?""Jus' wait 'ere," the cove replied, and staggered off."What an awful and abhorrent chap," I mused as I watched t...
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Lord Likely is One: Part The Second
2008-02-27 16:44:00
February 24th, 1857.There are few things more horrifying, more terrible, more downright cataclysmic than running out of alcohol.The awfulness of this situation is multiplied by a factor of a million when one is supposed to be holding a magnificent ball to celebrate the one-year anniversary of one's journals, as I had proposed. Immediate action was required to alleviate this deepening crisis."Botter," I said softly. "Prepare the Likely Mobile!""The what, milord?""You know. The horse and carriage. We must go into town, and try and procure more booze if we are to throw the mother of all parties here tonight. The fate of hundreds of party-goers and revellers rests in our very hands." I paused and looked out of the window, striking my best troubled look. "God help us all."*****We arrived at Mr. Timothy Tipsy's Emporium of Alcoholic Beverages an hour later, but as soon as I set my lordly foot inside the shop, I could sense something was rather amiss.All the shelves in the shop were as b...
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Lord Likely is One
2008-02-24 15:39:00
February the Twenty-Fourth, Eighteen Fifty-SevenOh, dear diary! Today is a special day indeed, for it heralds the one year anniversary of our joyous union!Can it really be twelve months since I first opened you up, took my quill firmly in my hand and thrust it betwixt your soft, creamy pages, and filled you with my wondrous words and my powerful punctuation?I am very pleased and more than slightly surprised to reach the one year mark. I rarely manage to keep anything up for an entire year (except back in 1845, when I maintained an erection for a whole three hundred and sixty-five days). I usually find myself very easily distracted, and quickly bored, which explains why most of my relationships have been fleeting and temporary, amounting to little more than a few hours of exquisite, passionate, and incredibly sweaty love-making.Truly, then, the fact that I have stuck at this journal writing lark is something worth celebrating,and worth celebrating in the way I know best - by getting...
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