Predator PressPredator PressThis is an adult site, and should not be viewed by anyone except blind people, and people with broken monitors. Articles
The Eightfold Wrath
2008-02-04 22:23:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I must admit, becoming an official honorary White Belt in karate has significantly affected my self-image. When you are a trained killing machine -a living weapon- you walk a little taller. With more confidence. Command, if you will. But karate is also a strict discipline. It is for self defense ... not jacking up some guy that looks at you weird at the gas station. Violence is always the last resort. So just so I ain't gotta rip the neck of of some smack-talkin' ne'er do well punk blissfully ignorant of my killing prowess, I wear my karate pajamas everywhere. As a warning. ... and I gotta tell you, these are way more effective than my Batman pajamas ever were. More About: Wrath
American Bad Ass
2008-02-03 07:33:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Well, the Cardinal Fitness thing -my New Year's Resolution- hasn't really panned, so LadyTerri and I have been trying to get creative. She made me promise to spend three hours a week at the gym, and frankly I can't take that much tanning: I look like a disoriented lobster, and everyone complains the booth smells like bacon for hours afterwards. ... So she says, "Why don't you try Karate?" Well, I figured that 'Karate' was some kind of exotic takeout.Maybe a cologne. But it turns out it's like kickboxing and crap. As the last Grand Master of the lost Peking Duck martial arts style, I figure fine: I can hide under or behind anything virtually instantly; Muay Thai legend says it can only be learned in a vision during intense meditation, but I posses this innate ability anytime I don't want my ass kicked at Denny's. How bad could this 'Karate' thing be then? It's just another martial art, right? We all put on our pajamas and go to the dojo... More About: American
The Number You Have Dialed HAS A LIFE
2008-02-01 05:21:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Teenagers spend a lot of time on the phone. They are very busy and important people. And I'm okay with that. Seriously. It's not fucking up my bandwidth all that much. But they call a lot. Nobody has called me since 2002, and I kinda liked it that way. But now, the same person will call four times in a row. And not just leave a message and move on, but just call and call. And call. *** I mean if you call once and you choose not to leave a message, I get that. You wanted to talk to the person live. Nothing particularly important. The second call presupposes something like you were in the shower. While toweling suds out of your eyes, you make a heroic effort for the phone ... but just as you get there, the call switches to voicemail and the dripping water shorts out your Caller ID.I can sympathize. But the third call always makes me wonder what exactly this particular teenager is telling people about the size of our place. Okay: mayb... More About: Life , Number
Eruption
2008-01-31 01:49:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I can't argue against myself having taken sloth to an unprecedented indolent level never before witnessed by humankind. As an example, before I started this post I made myself a glass of water. But I left it on the bookshelf -a scant and tantalizing eight inches from my current reach. Now I'm thirsty, and I can't think of anyone I can email to help me here. I would call someone, but the phone is in the other room ... it would be easier just to get the damn water myself!From deep in the recesses of my mind, sketchy biology class memories scream to frail and failing survival instincts: no animal can survive extended periods of time without water. It's one of our most basic and essential needs. How long can we go? Days? Hours? *** Normally the lovely LadyTerri would assist, but she just hasn't been the same since we hadda cancel our Hawaiian vacation. Who knew there was a spending cap on volcano insurance? To hell with Hawaii! Has...
Bittersweet Symphony
2008-01-29 04:50:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "So you fell down an elevator shaft," says Nurse Garrison. "No," I correct. "I jumped down an elevator shaft. Lord Likely wanted to cut the elevator cable so the horses pulling it would be free and the townspeople could go summon help." Glancing up from her clipboard, she sighs. "Your wife called. She's on her way." "Thank you for notifying her," I says. "She's very worried," Nurse Garrison shrugs. Inspecting a tiny scrap of paper through her glasses she adds, "Evidently your 'Driving Into a Lake or Volcano' insurance expired on the 4th." "Dammit!" I complain. "There goes our Hawaiian vacation. She's going to kill me." "I thought she was kidding," says the Nurse. Peering over her glasses, she appears strangely incredulous. "You still have a Driver's License?" "I got better'n that," I says. Flipping open my wallet, I show her my polished badge. Pushing her glasses back up her nose, Nurse Garrison reads it aloud: LOBO Head of Secre... More About: Symphony , Bittersweet
Best Squishes
2008-01-28 01:34:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I am always startled to hear a woman claim she doesn’t own a vibrator. ... I mean, what, are you nuts? There really isn't any social stigma about it anymore, either. Let’s conduct an experiment: All you ladies who do not own a vibrator, please raise your hand. Now look over the edge of your cubicle. Do you see any hands other than your own? Ladies, ladies … this is, like, the Twenty-First Century or something; there are tiny, concealable, subtle technologies available that can bring you instant sexual gratification virtually anywhere! I wish men were so lucky. If that was true for us, we would carry them proudly displayed on leather tool belts -customized with a "quick draw" feature- and probably have an emergency holdout stashed in our boot. We would have them in the file cabinets, and several would be rolling about the floorboard of the car. One would be welded on the television remote, a half dozen would be forg...
East Coast Versus West Coast Bloggerz
2008-01-26 22:26:00 Predator Press [LOBO] No one was more shocked than I when Debbie Dolphin -author of the normally tasteful New England Lighthouse Treasures- issued a vitriolic statement proclaiming all bloggers from the West Coast "Punk Ass Bitches". -but she's been talkin' trash ever since her record went triple-platinum. More About: East , Versus
The Phantom Membership
2008-01-08 01:08:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Episode IVXIv.2 The Empire Strikes Out President Bush called General Petraeus. "You want me to bomb a city in the continental US?" asks Petraeus incredulously. "And how," says Bush. "And not one in New Jersey?" "Nope. Pianosa, Illinois." "Why sir?" "It's our secret weapon to get the Republicans back in office, disguised as part of a new strategy in our War on Terror. Who's going to screw with us if we're so crazy we'll nuke ourselves?" "Good point sir." Cycling through his monitors, Bush finds his guy. "General!" he says excited. "That guy right there. Sector 754XA5." "You mean the guy sleeping in his car at Cardinal Fitness?" "No one will miss a loser like that." Bush squints at the screen. "From the looks of it, we'll be doin that poor bastard a favor." "Still, what with nuclear fallout and all, I would suggest something a little more suitable to the scale of the threat." "Like a giant robot crocodile?" "No sir. Like a surgical st... More About: Phantom , Membership , Members
BLOG WARS
2008-01-06 21:42:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Episode IVXIv.1bA New Dope On day six, I woke with a screaming headache. Wincing, I pull open the curtains. The sun immediately sears itself into my brain. I scream. LadyTerri, phone pressed to her ear, rushes in. "What the hell happened?" Holding the back of my head, I whine. "I don't know. I'm thinking maybe we should lay off my Jedi training for a while." "You mean the training where you have to try to dodge me as I try to hit you with a frying pan?" She switches the phone to the other ear. "The helmet helps. But with the blast shield down, I can't see anything." Rubbing my throbbing temples, I look at her. "Who's on the phone?" "I'm on the phone with the doctor for the results of your physical." "My what?" She dismisses me with her hand. "Yes Doctor Nyarlathotep? He's fine for the fitness training?" What the hell? "Yes sir. I'm glad you all got a good laugh too," she continues. Pressing a button, she sets the phone ... More About: Wars , Blog
Predator Press “Self-Centered Cosmology” Theory Rejected by Scientists,
2008-01-06 10:49:00 Predator Press [LOBO] More About: Theory , Scientists , Rejected , Predator
Does Not Get Along Well With Others
2008-01-06 02:46:00 Predator Press [LOBO] In the Beginning good always overpowered the evil of all man's sins. But in time, the nations grew weak and ... [... Wait. That's the wrong preamble. Here goes:] Episode IVXI The galaxy is in turmoil. Some bunch of guys are pissed at a bunch of other guys, and we'll write some excuse for it in a subsequent prequel; please buy the merchandise in the meantime. *** Yeah today, I was possitively brimming with story ideas. I mean, on the one hand I got America's Princess Britney Spears havin another meltdown. And on another, I learned that we have a potential President named Mitt Romney ... and say what you will about politics and crap, but 'Romney' sounds like the name of a guy that can get shit done. I can see the headlines now: "Romney Wastes Purse-Snatcher with Steel Girder", or "Mitt Saves Kittens from Fire". But no. Instead I gotta address a social and professional faux-pau committed against Predator Press th...
LadyTerri Gets Romantic Tattoo
2008-01-04 17:37:00 Predator Press [LOBO] My supposedly identical tat says "Pred~ta~rPros.cam". ... evidently the police wouldn't let them pusses finish because of all the prolonged writhing, howling and screaming. More About: Tattoo , Romantic
Ask LOBO
2008-01-03 03:37:00 Predator Press [LOBO] People are always asking me, "LOBO, how is it you live in this lavish palace, drive powerful, exotic cars and fight off supermodels left and right ... but we never see you doin nothing but blog?" Well, I'm glad you asked me that. See, hiddin under my desk is a secret, state-of-the-art ankle-building right-sided isometric micro-blogger gymnasium, specially designed by Titliest. You know those kickass ankles on page 4 of the GNC pamphlet? That's me. Admittedly, they hadda use some CGI to make both my ankles look identical: there's simply no way for one mortal human to be able to bulk up on both like that ... honest to God I took every steroid I could get. I could get 'em pretty big, but I couldn't keep that whole 'vein' thing workin. Without steroids, my ankles were as boring as some pale cotton candy-scarfing dork walking around the beach boardwalk getting sand kicked in his face, lugging around smooth, ladylike La-Z-Boy recliners with fe... More About: Lobo
Resolutions
2007-12-30 21:31:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Man, I'm freaking tired.The pace at work over the last few months has been nothing short of blistering: I like the cool lab coat and all, but if I would have known that stem cell research would be so time consuming I woulda scraped out those Petri dishes right into the toilet a long time ago. The Christmas 'break' was all jammed up too. I mean besides the usual shopping, police harassment and anarchy, I was working a grueling schedule donating my time teaching orphans to shoplift after school: there's just nothing like the sense of satisfaction you get when you look into the gleeful, hungry eye of one that has just boosted his [or her] first iPod. I would still be doing those $20 seminars, but one of the more entrepreneurial of the little pricks lifted my wallet. Can you believe that? Man, you can't trust nobody nowadays. They're fiercely loyal to each other too: I practically hadda squish poor lil Jimmy through a fine mesh screen before he tea... More About: Resolutions
With Great Pectorals Comes Great Responsibility
2007-12-27 23:16:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I bust into Ethan's office, and show him the pictures. "Christ Ethan! Did you know the Unabomber was a real guy?" Ethan stares at me for a second. "Yeah. They caught him in Montana or something." "Really?" I says, flipping through a few more pages of Crime Magazine. "How about the Zodiac Killer?" Ethan puts down his pen. "Are you serious? You thought that whole 'Zodiac Killer' thing was a story?" I walk around his desk and slap the magazine down for effect. "Hell yes! And currently, it's totally unsolved. Ethan, I think we need to hire some security. I'm a Cancer, goddamnit." "Tell me about it," says Ethan. Incredulous, he slides his glasses down his nose. "You do realize Batman is a fictional character, right?" Nervously peeking through the blinds, I ponder this. "Man, I ain't never going to Gotham City." More About: Great
Cheers
2007-12-25 07:01:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Admittedly, I've had enough vandalism, injustice, larceny and violent fantasy to tide me over all the way until next Christmas. Why beat a dead horse? All the little freeloading moochers are already asleep --dreaming peacefully of tomorrow's considerable load of swag-- and I have some quiet reflective moments to myself. At the behest of my dear friend Lord Likely, I'm making an effort to regain some elements of 'Spirit' before it's too late. Jesus never showed up to get the cool MP3 player I got him, so I'm listening to it now. And I know Jesus would want to enjoy the spectacular audio capabilities of this fantastic device vicariously through me, so luckily I already downloaded 3.4 gigabytes of vicariously enjoyable music on it last Tuesday. Man I sure hope the King of Kings likes Def Leppard. *** In my minds eye, I imagine all the things that would normally cheer me up. Like looking down on my vast naval armada from my impregnable fo...
And Justice for None
2007-12-24 16:02:00 Predator Press [LOBO] To some degree, I have to admit my unrequited seething rage is a little displaced: that cop was more criminal than the driver ever was. I was perfectly capable of being mature and cool. I mean my vehicle ain't exactly a Ferrari ... but aren't I entitled to protect my stuff too? I went back into the mall sort of half-heartedly believing that I would be taken seriously ... 'maybe they already had the insurance info on the driver', that sort of thing. But as the minutes passed, I was becoming increasingly aware of the fact that my son and I weren't being believed. Evidently it was more plausible that we finished our Christmas shopping and inexplicably backed out of the parking lot through a parking space occupied by a mammoth, unmissable $50,000 vehicle, and then hastily ran to report it so we could get ourselves in trouble. Suddenly I was facing the prospect that I might go to jail, and started frantically calling around for someone to p... More About: Justice
Predator Press Interviews: Joyce Hopewell
2007-12-22 17:59:00 Predator Press Joyce Hopewell enters the studio, and I am immediately freaked out: she's wearing flowing long white sungod-esque robes and a leafy Caesar headband woven in delicate strands of gold. Without word, she sits. Joyce Hopewell: It's nice to see you too, LOBO. I'm fine. LOBO: Joyce! How nice to see you again. How have you been? Joyce Hopewell: "I require no assistance." LOBO: Would you like one of our techs to hook you up so we can begin the interview? [A headset microphone floats toward her, and the switchboard modulators adjust themselves noisily.] Joyce Hopewell: LOBO, you haven't gotten that mole checked out yet, have you? LOBO: I don't go for all that medical hocus-pocus stuff. God is real strict about witchcraft. He throws all those heathens in a vat of flaming acid for 10,000 years ... and speaking of Eternal Damnation, how is this whole astrology thing going for you? Joyce Hopewell: I have gained knowledge and wisdom of thing... More About: Interviews , Predator
All Good Things
2007-12-19 01:49:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "Ethan," I says. "I quit." "You quit what?" "I quit Predator Press." "You quit doing what exactly?" "Well, I was hoping you could help me out with that. I'm having a lot of trouble with my Letter of Resignation." "What brought this on?" says Ethan. "I've decided I want to be a sheepherder." "A sheepherder." "Well, it turns out the sheep is not a very fast animal." "Do tell." "Yeah. I figure I'll use GPS, and catch 'em in my jeep just when the little pricks think they're home free." "Possibly," says Ethan, scratching his chin. "But you would have to protect them from predators too." "Oh please," I says. "The only other animals I ever see around sheep are cows, and cows are pussies. My sheep will be combat-trained, hardened bad-asses that rule over the cows with an iron-fisted tyranny thusly unprecedented in their eternal struggle." I drift off for a second. My sheep will have leather jackets. More About: Things , Good
Silent Night, oh Holy Crap
2007-12-16 22:44:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Come to think of it, I guess I've always been a complete bastard. I blame everybody else, and simultaneously forgive them. There. I feel better. Don't you? I remember Christmas one year. We were spectacularly poor ... Depression Era geezers used to circle us on wheelchairs and walkers, pointing and mocking how poor we were. I often got the crap beat out of me at public school for having to wear thrift shop clothing. In Chicago, nothing will seal your inner-city fate quicker than making your debut on the first day of class dressed to the nines in ill-fitting plaid pants, a button-up green shirt and white dress shoes. Without cufflinks or zodiac jewelry! To pull off that look, you've either got to be really cool or really durable: Always leaning to the practical side, I chose the latter. One day as the kids at school held me down while the Depression Era geezers did unspeakable things in my Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox, I accidentally busted T... More About: Night , Crap , Silent , Holy
Go, Fighty!
2007-12-15 16:20:00 Predator Press [LOBO] It's a fact: people never give Predator Press any credit for the huge socio-economic and medical advances we have provided Humanity. But how about the Science and Engineering? Hm? Like back last April when we presented the alternative to 'Doggie Stairs' with our 160 horse powered Doggie Centrifuge --now available with patented and environmentally-friendly optional Ethanol fuel cells-- did this fantastic technological advancement get mentioned in a Scientific American, Popular Mechanics, or maybe even a lousy Readers Digest? No. And I strongly suspect it's no accident. Take, for instance, our groundbreaking 'Mag-Cat' Research and Development: My theory was that cats, cunning natural predators equipped with lightning-fast reflexes, grace, and guile, would be ideally suited for intense Air Hockey competition. *** Now of course, the Air Hockey table -designed for humans-would have to undergo some minor modifications to provid...
"Amazon.com" Amazonless! Worst Porn Site Ever
2007-12-14 04:37:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I don't know how long this link will last, but if you like some great, serious Amazon .com snark CLICK HERE. (Be sure to read the responses too!) More About: Site
A Slicing Device
2007-12-11 01:42:00 A Predator Press adaptation of a 2006 Predator Press adaptation of "A Christmas Carol", written by some other guy.[LOBO] My first goal as an "author", I suppose, is to make an impression on people's hearts.Truth be told, I hate writing. But I'm too short and scrawny to leave impressions on people's foreheads where they tend to be much more effective, and cinderblocks get heavy after a while. Ever try to nail that oblivious jerk hogging the whole fast lane at 56 miles an hour with a cinderblock? I rest my case. I've had to learn to be flexible, and adapt my impression-leaving skills. Firstly, I'm not buying a single Christmas present. At this point, just going to the grocery store is a major pain in the ass. Today at Kmart, I hadda throw six elbows in four minutes just to buy a gallon of Snickers-flavored ice cream, four boxes of Twinkies, a three layer chocolate cake and a six pack of Diet Pepsi. Either I'm getting older, or those little old ladies are getti... More About: Device
Measured Results
2007-12-09 01:26:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "Dude," I says into the phone. "That was amazing. I mean, 'Ox Nuts' is going to be a major bestseller. Maybe even a movie. It's genius! I don't think I've 'punched the clown' while crying this much since, like, September ... who knew you could write like that?" "But I post on the blog two or three times a year," says Mr. I. "Yeah, but who reads that tripe? 'Ox Nuts' is big! Can you put in some explosions and helicopter chases? I don't want to infringe on your art, but a scene where Ox fights a giant bug or something might help get some of your boring soppy romance edited out." "It's supposed to be a love story, you moron." "Well how about some buxom Nordic chicks in Viking helmets, wielding electric battle-axes that go 'bla-WANGGGGGG--'?" [long pause] "Maybe." More About: Results
Ox Nuts
2007-12-09 01:10:00 Predator Press [Mr Insanity] "Oh Ox Nuts , my love," cries Gwendolyn. "The ocean is so vast, and yet here it is, for us and us only. Our love is captured forever in this meaningless, private moment on a magnificent beach." She unties her flowing, golden hair. "Even the stars have turned away from us tonight. Take me now, you savage lustful beast! Before you are captured." Her flimsy clothing slips over her pointed nipples, her curves, finally falling around her bejewelled ankles. "I want to have experienced your mighty passion, so I can remember it fondly while you are tortured and executed by my abusive boyfriend, the vile Prince of Zanzibar. Ox Nuts, ride me like a wild stallion ..."
Idiot Bag
2007-12-09 00:40:00 Predator Press [Mr Insanity] "You attacked firemen?" I says. "What in heaven's name possessed you to attack firemen?" "THE BAG gave me 'firemen pork'," shrugs LOBO. "I do not question THE BAG. Ever. You would be wise to do the same." "The bag? What bag?" "The bag of words I pull from when I'm trying to come up with an idea." "Every time you need an idea for a story, you pull words at random? I call bullshit." "Behold!" says LOBO, thumping a heavy sack on his cluttered desk. "Bask in the splendor, ye non-disbeliever." "Does it work?" "Try it out," says the screwball. "What kind of story are you working on?" "Let's say, hypothetically, a love story." "You pansy." "What?" "I said 'Oooh, fancy'." LOBO closed his eyes, as if in a trance. "Oh for God's sake--" "Silence!" LOBO demands. "Oh, mighty and wise bag. Divulge unto us your creative genius, that of which we are so devoided!" He pulls out two slips of paper. "The title of your romance... More About: Idiot
Editorial: There Are Far Too Many Firemen
2007-12-02 20:29:00 Predator Press [LOBO] People are always asking me, "LOBO, with such a volatile housing market, how can America get out of economic stagnation and staggering international debt?" Well, I'm glad you asked me this. See, the biggest problem America faces is wasted money pissed away fruitlessly due to sheer bureaucratic governmental inertia. Take the Fire Department, for instance. I mean Jesus, how many firemen do we really need? Look around you. Do you see any fires? I, for one, am sick to death of watching my tax money frittered away on this Liberal fraternity of do-nothings. These guys are so lazy, they have beds! Beds people! You read that correctly! When's the last time you saw an honest, hard-working truck driver with a bed where he works for instance? Or Emergency Room doctors? Hm? Does the guy making my french fries at Burger King get naps while on the job?No.Why? Becuase he's doing something important, god damn it! Somewhere in this great nation, a... More About: Editorial , Firemen
Deck the Halls to Hide the Murder Holes, Tra La-La
2007-12-01 22:31:00 Predator Press [LOBO] December. And we all know what that means, don't we? Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, it's finally that special time of the year when all hearts and minds prepare for the biggest event of the year: The Santa Claus Blanket Party. I can sense some of you starin' at this blog in utter disbelief. Oh, get over it. You're all thinking it ... at least I've got the stones to put it in print. That fat bastard has violated the sanctity of our homes for the last time. When that prick sneaks down the chimney 'an goes to greedily wolf down my cookies 'an milk this year, whammo, he's gettin a snow shovel full of holiday cheer right upside the head. Too chicken to help me with this? Fine, cowards! I'll keep all those Xbox 360s for myself then! It's not like I said I was going to make Santa 'toss my salad' or anything weird; I just wanna rough the guy up a little. Maybe take the reindeer for a spin down to the Burger King drive-thru,... More About: Murder , Deck , Holes , Hide , Deck The Halls
The Legend of Cat Strangler
More articles from this author:2007-12-01 22:14:00 Predator Press [LOBO] If you think about it, as the head of Maintenance for the museum warehouse, I had the access to steal pretty much anything I wanted. Keys, alarm codes, you name it. But I purposely avoided knowing anything. Hundreds of thousands of nondescript crates of history have moved in and out of my facility in the ginger care of my forklift skills, and I knew them only by number; preserving the mystery romanticized the bad hours and mediocre pay. I like to think that at some point, I might've moved the very Arc of the Covenant. One night my phone rang, and a truck driver told me he was an hour away from the museum; 'The Item' couldn't be moved by boat as initially planned. "No problem," I says. If anything, that will attract even less attention at this hour. Hanging up, I dressed quickly in a well-rehearsed sleepy fog. Armed with a thermos full of black instant coffee, I set out to meet the incoming load. *** In the strange silence, you could hea... More About: Legend , The Legend 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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