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About the Author
2007-11-30 05:03:00
Predator Press Within a short period, I will be marrying a the most wonderful and beautiful woman I've ever met. She has kids, so the acronym "MILF" definitely applies. But by virtue of this, will I get promoted to "DILF"?
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No One Falls for "Pull My Finger" Gags Anymore
2007-11-28 05:01:00
Predator Press [LOBO] But if you tie a string to your finger, the comedy endures.
More About: Finger , Falls , Pull

72 Hours of "Empire at War" Causes Hallucinations
2007-10-21 20:51:00
Predator Press [LOBO]
More About: Empire , Hours , Luci

Predator Press Upset With Vista, MicroSoft, Gates
2007-10-21 06:22:00
Predator Press [LOBO] This computer worked just fine thanks. I know I can't legally say outright that Bill Gates has caused me so much excruciating grief over the past few days --what with these "innovations, enhancements and improvements"-- swift and lethal payback is in order. But we just bought a computer ten years ago. It was $350! And frankly, that thing has been nothing more than grief ever since. Bill Gates has completely ruined the internet; this supposedly "modern" one doesn't doesn't even have a 5 1/2" disk drive or a 56k modem! I know I can't legally say outright that Bill Gates has caused me so much excruciating grief over the past few days swift and lethal payback is in order, so screw it. I won't. jerk
More About: Microsoft , Vista , Predator

Weapons of Mass Dysfunction
2007-10-18 03:28:00
Predator Press [LOBO] What? Too soon?
More About: Weapons , Mass

Mukasey: Torture Authority Memo 'Mistake'
2007-10-18 01:41:00
Predator Press [LOBO] As Attorney General-designate Michael Mukasey was admitting that the now-famous document written by General Jay Bybee and endorsed by Alberto Gonzalez was a mistake, I thought, "well duh." Wow. Memo s are horrible and dangerous things. WTG genius. As you readers know, I already know better than to put anything really crazy in writing. So I'm suffering jetlag and airline-food indigestion only to learn once again I'm light years ahead of the government? When Ethan told me to go to Capitol Hill to cover the 'torture memo' story, I thought it would be a saucy sex scandal! I got bored quickly. And God bless me Ethan, I even tried drafting a story about this guys' horrible tie ... but I was just powerless against the oppressive, excruciating blasé of listening to those old guys. An irritated Secret Service guy nudged me rudely awake. Said I was snoring. I asked the guy if there was anyplace to get coffee, and he put his finger to his lip...
More About: Authority , Torture , Mista

Frumpy Billionaire Interviewed on Larry King Live
2007-10-17 04:38:00
Predator Press [LOBO] Were we really all that interested in the first place? I would have gone with Danny Bonaduce.
More About: Larry , Live , King , Billionaire , Larry King

About the Author
2007-10-15 04:14:00
Predator Press There were a few "happy accidents" that caused this blog. The first was the actual inception. *** I used to be an insurance company "claims processor". My job, it soon occurred, was to find ways to deny insurance claims. In my third year, some of my 'clients' were dead. I knew them by name; I was familiar with their families. Like anyone else that suddenly discovers their previously unknown rather ghoulish occupation, I started doing the heroic thing: I started fucking off at work. I remember blowing through about sixty claims an hour for maybe a month, approving every last one. I got bonuses for record productivity. In my ample spare time, I wrote gag "Official Company Memorandum", and push-pinned them neatly onto the company bulletin boards. Then I evolved to fake cutout newspaper articles about coworkers getting abducted by aliens. For some reason, the company fired me. The guy I base "Ethan" on drove me home after I was kicked off the premises. We be...
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LOBO Fails Drivers License Renewal
2007-10-15 00:09:00
Predator Press This is the unfortunate consequence of neglectingto promptly turn off your blinker.
More About: Drivers , Lobo , Renewal , License , Rene

Predator Press Whores First Ads Starting Monday
2007-10-14 22:00:00
Predator Press [LOBO] I'm proud to announce that Predator Press has finally found a hard-working, decent American company with a fantastic product that is willing to frequently fist us lots of money for talking about it. The contracts are being signed first thing Monday , and the HTML buttons and widgets that you people will need should be available shortly thereafter (assuming this fat advance check doesn't bounce). While I can't profitably talk about it yet, I can say it's a top-secret new technology that makes your Windows 95 desktop look like Windows Vista at the paultry price of $19.99 a month. To be honest, I haven't tried it yet. I started the installation process Wednesday, and it's still downloading. Plus I hadda do a few upgrades because it requires 975 megabytes of hard drive space and two gigs of ram. And a video card and a monitor with video ram. And a new motherboard. ... But they're telling me it's really slick, and the ads all have scantily...
More About: Whores , Predator

Next Year In Review
2007-10-14 16:19:00
Predator Press [LOBO] After years of resisting Western influences,Al Qaeda will struggle with the concept of "BringYour Daughter to Work" Day this April.
More About: Review , Year , Year in Review

New "Chick Magnet" Unveiled
2007-10-14 04:20:00
Predator Press [LOBO] Behold. Those NASCAR wusses said we shouldn't build it because it doesn't have brakes. NASA said we couldn't build it, and the refrigerator in the background photo of the prototype was more aerodynamic. All you can hear over the 5,000,000 horsepower engine is soggy panties slapping against the floor. Like the original, we haven't quite figured out how to make a full-scale mighty Chick Magnet V2.0 work yet. But we can helicopter it in for $85,000 whenever you want to look cool.

Come to My Site, or I Will Kill You
2007-10-14 01:12:00
Predator Press [LOBO] As a trained and licensed killing machine, I'm perfectly capable of waxing the four or five people left that stubbornly aren't reading Predator Press; if not for my fear of flying, I would've been in the Special Forces. I once decapitated a guy with my bus transfer.
More About: Site , Kill

A Dark Matter
2007-10-13 02:57:00
Predator Press LOBO Standing there almost at the top of Mauna Kea, I didn't know shit about astronomy or physics; I was a tourist with a telescope, shivering at the top of a mountain, gawking at the stars and planets. I have found away to be cold even in Hawaii, I remember snarking to myself. When my friends suggested I go to the lookout point, I figured it sounded cool. Pianosa is pretty damn flat; even if the space stuff didn't impress me, I would probably enjoy just the scenery. But the problem is you don't drive up a mountain to see stars during the day. The journey was an excruciatingly long and boring climb into darkness, saturated with what often felt like forced conversation; by the time we got there I was feeling irritable. And then I saw the Universe. It stopped my heart. *** Staring down at clouds with your feet on soil alone would have been enough. But the sky... ... I just cannot find the words. There's a reason the Keck telescope was built there...
More About: Dark , Matter

The Mattress Police
2007-10-10 16:36:00
Predator Press [LOBO] This fellow blogger has written a book so brilliant, profound and utterly funny, I've only read three chapters and have already dispatched six assassins. Diesel autographs them too. Buy one quickly; they will exponentially increase in value by Friday.
More About: Police , Mattress

Frivolous Exercising Slays One, Hospitalizes 302
2007-10-09 00:53:00
Predator Press [LOBO] Once again, death and heartbreak has followed on the heels of 'healthy diet' and 'exercise'... and this time it stuck it's icy fingers right into the heart of the Chicago Marathon. The crowd gathered as is their ritual: early, and positively seething with good health, vigor and Old Spice. Little did they know that their unclogged arteries would only increase the efficiency of their perspiration. Fewer still thought maybe they should stay in their air-conditioned cubicles making mediocre money rather than watching the movie '300' too many times and working their asses off for no money. There was ample water and ice --initially thought to be refreshments-- and every last one of the runners were numbered: all the pieces of a well-organized and hastily preformed good-'ole-fashioned organ harvest were in place. The parade of pink lungs, pristine kidneys and robust young transplantable hearts began their annual run punctually, too. They waved...
More About: Spit , Volo , Exercising

Idaho Declares Self "North Utah" for Duration of Craig Scandal
2007-10-09 00:03:00
Predator Press [LOBO] "With all due respect sir, fuck Rand McNally."
More About: Scandal , North , Utah , Idaho , Craig

Hunting Technique "Not Sportsmanlike" Say Men
2007-10-08 05:27:00
Predator Press [LOBO] "It ain't right," says Tyler #3. "I get up at 4:00am, gear up in camouflage, and douse myself with deer urine every day. Feedin 'em a time-delayed shaped charge while wearin a pastel blue tank-top just don't seem fair."
More About: Technique , Hunting , Hunt

Revealing New "Freedom" Burka Sparks Protest
2007-10-08 04:38:00
Predator Press [LOBO] We all heard Mahmoud Ahmadinejad confidently proclaim that "Iran has no homosexuals." ... But a thought occurs ...
More About: Freedom , Burka , Protest , Sparks , Spar

The History of Predator Press
2007-10-07 20:00:00
Predator Press [LOBO] People always ask me, "LOBO, Predator Press is one of the most widely-read, respected and influential publications in the world. How did it all start?" Well, it wasn't easy. Millions and millions of readers a day hanging on our every word and entire nations living or dying by what we publish didn't happen overnight. Indeed, cutting through the dissonance of a world gone utterly mad in search of The Truth has been a tough cross to bear. And yes, the money helps. But when it all comes down, it isn't the luxury cars and women with loose morals that make us carry on: we do it for you, the Loyal Reader. The events that inevitably culminated into this towering intellectual juggernaut pepper history like things that you might put a lot of pepper on. Like a good porterhouse. We are the pepper stuck to the Great Steak of Life. A cursory search through a lot of history books revealed this to be true. Gleams of primitive permutations of Predator Press...
More About: History , Predator

Britney Spears "Gimme More" #1
2007-10-07 09:22:00
Predator Press [LOBO] "Pull!" demands Ethan. I comply, and the disk arcs gracefully over to portside of his yacht. Ethan blows the thing into a hanging cloud of dust. "That's 5 out of 5 sir," I says. "Well done." Ethan lowers his shotgun. "Where did you get these 'skeet' things? My god, I can't miss!" "Well sir, they're certainly not cheap." "I can imagine," he says. "How much are they?" "About $16.99 apiece." Ethan reached into the box, and inspects one. "Hey, these are copies of Britney Spears ' Blackout! "Indeed sir," I reply. "A few more hours of this, and she'll go Double Platinum." "Well, who am I to judge art?" he says, raising his shotgun to his shoulder. "Pull!"
More About: Gimme More , Gimme

Sweet
2007-10-06 03:03:00
Predator Press [LOBO] "Whore!" yells Phoebe. "Slut," snipes Babs through bared teeth, closing the door to my office behind her. "Bitch," I says, looking up from my monitor. "Excuse me?" says Phoebe. "Sorry," I says. "That's just a reflex. What seems to be the problem here?" "I'll tell you what the problem is," says Babs. "Someone has hogged the entire supply of Sweet 'N Low." I blink. "The world's most popular sugar substitute," clarifies Phoebe. Now after a brief moment reflecting how Predator Press has no affiliation with Sweet'N Low or any of their fine products, I finally says, "What?" "We're not getting anymore for weeks!" cries Phoebe. "Well you sure seem to have plenty," says Babs. "I keep some in my desk, " says Phoebe. "It's more efficient. That way I'm not spending hours trolling around the water cooler for the new guy in the mailroom like some floozy." "Tramp!" says Babs. "Lot lizard!" I says reflexively. "Sorry. I'm trying ...

Baseball Needs Shot Clock, Bikini Chicks
2007-10-02 05:25:00
Predator Press [LOBO] See that picture on the left? That's the last "athlete" Major League Baseball traded to the LOBOnian Baseball Syndicate. WITNESS how he is drowning in the acid quicksand cleverly disguised as natural turf! Just imagine the horrific screams I was too lazy to record and turn into "mpegs" or whatever! While still looking for sponsors, players, a place to play and a network to air it, LBS league baseball games take maybe a half hour, tops ... even though they play until one team scores 100 runs. This is because if you hold a ball for 8/16th of a second, it detonates. Even if you're an umpire. The LBS has an 8 millisecond 'Shot Clock '. This means that even if it's a 96 mph fastball, you gotta sprint toward it, swinging desperately before you are struck out like an inferior specimen and we have to weed out your loser genetic strain and pathetic, inferior DNA from the face of the Earth once and for all. The LBS keeps a far stricter drug polic...
More About: Bikini , Chicks

Will Ferrell Edits of Colin Farrell Sex Tape Released
2007-10-02 02:36:00
Predator Press [LOBO] SOMEONE GET ME ICEPICKS TO DEEPLY STAB MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS. PLEASE. NOW!!!!!!
More About: Will Ferrell , Released , Colin Farrell , Ferrell , Colin

Aftermath
2007-10-01 02:53:00
Predator Press [LOBO] "Why do you keep screwing with Lindsay Lohan?" asks Nurse Garrison. "Thut up!" I says. "You realize she's pulled your tongue through your keyster, right?" "Yeth I do, thankth."

The Final Conflict
2007-10-01 02:00:00
Predator Press [LOBO] "Lohan," I says. "I knew it!" "Look," says Lohan. "See this hand?" She shows me her gloved left fist, and then punches me with her right. "I have nothing to do with all this crap," says Lohan. "I don't even know who you are. Now please stop writing about me, before my agents sue you into the Middle Ages." "You don't fool me Lohan!" I says, sobbing courageously. "Although I would really appreciate it if you stopped punching me." "Get back up you wuss!" she screams, kicking me in the stomach. "You're not getting off that easy." "RDO would never threaten to ignite the atmosphere and wipe out all Humankind!" I protest though broken teeth. "I would delete his entire Halo 3 profile!" "What?" I hear from my watch. "You wouldn't dare!" "Oh yeah I would, RDO," I says into the watch, spitting dental shrapnel. "Just try me." "You would sacrifice all my Halo 3 achievements for that scubby little planet?" "It's your call Miss Loh...
More About: Final , Conflict

Welcome to the Fall
2007-10-01 00:05:00
Predator Press [LOBO] Now that it's virtually October, that means that one of my fave holidays is coming up. Really, the only thing that sucks about Halloween is that it also means I finally gotta take down the Christmas Tree from last year. I can reuse the coal and cinderblocks, but the razorwire has somehow lost it's gleaming holiday luster ...
More About: Fall

Wet Dement
2007-08-09 05:41:00
Predator Press [LOBO] So I'm taking a bath. Because I'm a genius. See, it's 95 degrees here. I know this with abosolute certain precision; I have a device on my wall that tells exactly what the temperature is at any given moment. I don't know where or how I got it. I don't even think the thing is hooked up to the internet.It's downright spooky in a Voodoo kinda way. So my vertical analog suspension temporatometer is telling me 'Hey man, it's fucking 95 degrees!' and I'm like, 'No way. Why is that?' But with only thin red line movin up and down to converse, I get impatient and throw my vertical-analog suspension temporatometer into the bathtub. My vertical analog suspension temporatometer suddenly starts singing like a canary. It turns out my vertical-analog suspension temporatometer also functions perfectly as a fully-submersible horizontal thermocalculator! And it screams, 'Hey man, it's fucking 106 degrees in here!' "Don't patronize me with your t...

Reader Mail
2007-08-08 00:30:00
Predator Press Dear LOBO, I'm growing increasingly concerned my husband doesn't find me attractive anymore, and I'm starting to catch his 'wandering eye' with greater and greater frequency. Can you give me some advice thatmight spice up our romance? Kelly L. Bittencroft 865 Palm Palace Tampa, Florida33610 Kelly, It's a widely-known fact that chicks pack on the pounds as a passive-aggressive hostile act toward their spouses, and nothing is more humiliating to a guy than a having a fat chick in tow. As an ironic consequence, however, this displaced anger exacerbates the cycling negative behaviors between you and your significant other. Worse, it leaves you a bitter old dried up hippopotamus woman with drawn-on eyebrows, bristling with well-calloused elbows and gnarled toes that audibly snag and clicketty-clack on the linoleum kitchen tiles when you walk barefoot. First, set down the Chunky Monkey; it will only degrade your health, and make you a further embarras...
More About: Mail , Reader

Minnesotan Confesses to Bridge Conspiracy
2007-08-06 20:14:00
Predator Press [LOBO] Yes, you heard it here first! No one was more shocked than we to find Terri Terri brashly claiming Minnesotan responsibility for the bridge collapse that has gripped the entire nation in morbid terror of it's own diabolical highway system. In a chilling, cryptic dispatch to Predator Press composed of glued-on magazine letters, she left the following comment on our Saturday, August 4 post: "Yeah, us Minnesotans just had nothing better to do than irritate the President so we decided to collapse one of our bridges just to get him off his lazy ass. Wheeee! That was fun!" In effort to scientifically measure the average Minnesotan capacity for evil, we have compiled some startling statistics that our friends to the West may be trying to surpass: * Cancer: 556,902 (2006) * Iraq: 30,000 * Domestic firearm fatalities: 29,573 (2006) * Katrina (2005): 800 * Automotive fatalities, New York (2006): 750 * Domestic peanut allergy-related fatalities (2006): 150...
More About: Conspiracy , Bridge , Cons , Fess