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Articles
Bush Misses Cartoons, Eggos Over 'Stupid Bridge'
2007-08-04 18:34:00 Predator Press "It's all just stupid," Bush complains to an aide. "This stupid countryhas a stupid crisis every goddamn week. Well, I'm getting sick of it." More About: Cartoons , Stupid , Bridge , Cart
Reno: 90211
2007-08-04 02:56:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I don't want to do an interview today. I want to gloat. All you people that were sayin' "Oh, that LOBO ... submarine ninjas? He's gone completely crackers now," owe me one Big Fat apology; CNN reported today that submarine ninjas have been captured in New York. In your face all you skeptics; I told you so! And I understand the desire to doubt me when you're troubled with nuisance 'facts' and stuff; I will not hold it against you. Predator Press loves it's dumb readers too, and with 89% of the same guaranteed ardor and zeal that our smart readers enjoy. Has the precious Wall Street Journal ever promised you anything like that? Hm? But yeah, here, at the pinnacle of ardent gloatability, Ethan makes me do an interview. So here it is: LOBO: So who the fuck are you? Some Guy: I'm Dan Albern, Editor of The Pianosa Times. LOBO: Well, Predator Press isn't hiring. Some Guy: I'm not here for that kind of interview. LOBO: No... More About: Reno
My Chi is Kickass Today, Thank You
2007-08-03 01:31:00 Predator Press [LOBO] After a mere two weeks of intensive training and meditation, I am back. Down to between 16 and 20 heartbeats a day, my doctor was concerned and tested my blood. And as always, my blood got an A+, clearly showing it's intellectual superiority over all the other stupid and inferior bloods. I'm ready for action, baby; my Chi is so jazzed, when having lunch at Burger King with friends today the cook mistook me for a relative of Steven Segal. Swear to God. Insulted, my Chi cursed the poor bastard as I was being roughly escorted out of the kitchen; no doubt his grandchildren will be born horribly disfigured and forever unemployable. And as the treacherous French poisoned me with deep-fried pointy potato sticks, Heartbeat Number 11 was about 40 minutes later than expected. It was then I started checking out Lady Terri. I mean, she's hot and smart and charming, and dating this guy --Mitch or something. And I'm thinking 'What the hell is she do... More About: Today , Kick , Hank
To You
2007-08-02 02:29:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Knowing I can't speak to each and every one of you readers as often as I would like tears me up inside like a rusty, jagged catheter being ripped out by a startled Clydesdale; the glamorous lifestyle of an often-cloned, globetrotting international millionaire playboy-slash-spy at war with Santa is a deceptively heavy burden. So at least once, I feel I should share my most heartfelt and candid inner-most feelings to my favorite people: the selflessly-loyal, unsung readers.That message is: My personal safety is an issue of National Security. Look. If the submarine ninjas capture me and 57 Comanche helicopters whisk me off to a nearby aircraft carrier for interrogation, you're all pretty fucked; the second Doctor Hans hooks up electrodes to my nipples, I'm gonna sing like a canary on cocaine. I'm telling that asshole everything. Hell, I might even make shit up. "Doctor Hans," I would say. "Please put away your chainsaw scalpel and sodium pentath...
Kickin' Ass and Taking Naps
2007-07-31 08:25:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I'm silent. Undetectable. --and it was Mr. Submarine Ninja's last mistake to underestimate my stealth and guile. "Shit!" he screams, sprawling in the darkness. "LOBO, what the fuck?" "Doc Mike?" I says aghast. "You're a submarine ninja?" "A what? What the hell is going on here?" he demands. "Well, thanks to your catlike reflexes, now I have to get up to break your neck." I grunt while climbing to my feet --this martial arts stuff is really tough work. "Where are you? Hold still." Doc flips the switch, and searing light blinds me. "C'mon Doc," I implore. "No dirty tricks. I would've expected you to die with some dignity." "Why were you sprawled out on the floor like that in the dark?" "You, my so-called-friend, have fallen prey to one of my deadliest moves. I call it the Bloated Starfish." "I tripped on you!" "Fell victim." "Tripped!" "Yeah, okay," I says, rolling my eyes. "Whatever". "What have you done to your apa... More About: Kick , Taking
Katas
2007-07-29 20:27:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Ethan calls. Again. Groggily, I reach for the phone. "lobo?" "Ethan," I says. "It's LOBO." "That's what I said," he replies. "Ethan, you know I'm in training. It's only 10:30 in the morning" "So you're resting up for the submarine ninjas?" "It's called a kata, sir," I says, setting the Cheeto bag on the coffee table. "It's a strict discipline, steeped in tradition." "I thought today was laundry day." "The washer is still busted," I explain. "I find it easier to just buy new clothes when the old ones get stiff." "That's disgusting," says Ethan. "It's a strict discipline," I explain. "Well I'm giving you a few days off," says Ethan. "I don't want you stinking up the office, while submarine ninjas are wrecking up the place trying to pull your tongue through your keyster." Damn, I think. I'm good. "You don't think they will come here, do you?" he asks. "My 'lawyers' have really been packing on the pounds since they start...
The Art of Peking Duck
2007-07-29 09:09:00 Predator Press [LOBO] “LOBO-san,” says the boy. “I have urgent news.” “What is it, strange little person?” I says. “It is I, son of Bang Ho.” “Well, I’m sorry about that.” “Bang Ho, Grand Master of the Peking Duck !” “That Bang Ho?” I says. “Yes LOBO-san. He is dead.” “No shit?” “He and most of our Sacred Acolytes were all killed touring the White House yesterday.” “I told them to got to the Smithsonian." “LOBO-san,” says the boy. “I don’t think you understand. As level 14, you are now Grand Master of the Peking Duck.” My iPhone rings. It's Ethan. "Hey there 'Screaming Eagle' or whatever," I says to the boy. "Hang on. This is important. Hello?" "LOBO?" says Ethan. "Yes?" "I've started reading Predator Press, and I'm starting to suspect that what you're publishing isn't entirely true." The boy tugs on my arm. "LOBO-san, ninja enemies of the Peking Duck are arriving on nuclear submarines. We m... More About: The A , The Art
Bush Finds Porno, Sexual Activity On Internets
2007-07-28 16:39:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "My Fellow Americans," says Bush . "This morning, when checking my email, I got one from a little girl named 'Samantha' --or so it stated clearly in the 'Subject' field." "But 'Samantha', it turns out," he continues, "Is a curvy 24 year old D-cup, and before I knew it, her magnificent, well-tattooed boobies had leapt straight through my retinas, and into my brain." [a pause] "Samantha," he says. "How dare you? How dare you promote your depraved naked activities in public on www.samanthaspreads.org, and send them to me over the public telephone? I, the very President of the United States, was a victim of teleboobie, right there in the Oval Office. And right in front of a tour group!" [pause] "Once we've closed all the popup ads and the entire tour group has been exterminated, Samantha -if, in fact that is your real name-- you will be facing Federal Trial for two counts of Aggravated Teleboobie in Abu Ghraid." More About: Sexual
Dick Cheney Has Last Human Organ Removed
2007-07-28 14:43:00 Predator Press A happy and healthy Vice President Dick Chen ey smiled and waved to the cameras as he left the George Washington University Jiffy Lube, sporting his new terror fighting cardioverter-defibrillator. "He will require some rest," explains Lead Technician Jeremy Ipswick. "But the operation went perfectly. The new cardioverter-defibrillator will have the VP fighting terror with 12% higher efficiency." More About: Human
Richie Sentenced to Four 'The NASA Life' Episodes
2007-07-28 01:46:00 Predator Press No one appeared more stunned than Nicole Richie when she was sentenced to do pilot episodes for a Fox Network reality show called The NASA Life --except maybe her own lawyer when she shot him right through the forehead with a 9mm. "Order," demanded the judge, banging his gavel. "Young lady I said ORDER!" Nicole, seeming to shake that spooky 'vacant' look, promisingly set the safety on her pistol and strapped it back into her thigh holster. "I'm sorry Your Honor." "The fact that you murdered a lawyer in my courtroom won't get you any points with me today, Missy," said the judge coolly. "I'm going to make you ridicule honest and hard working middle class people for four whole episodes in space." When asked for comment, Paris Hilton's Parole Officer claimed Paris was “already making daiquiris in the centrifuge”. More About: Episodes , Nasa , Sentenced , Sentence
MTV 'Pimps My Space Shuttle'
2007-07-27 18:44:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Beleaguered by accusations of sabotage and drunk driving, NASA --threatened with Federal Funding cuts and numerous parking tickets-- has decided to downgrade the expectations and pay of their most troublesome resource: Unmarketable scientists and engineers. "We saw this trend coming last October," says Senior Physicist Doctor Morgan 'The Mango' Therez. "And when the advertisers saw Exhibit hoist out the Discovery's engine in his garage to change the spark plugs, we knew we had a winner.” When asked to demonstrate his scientific prowess, Xzibit drew us a diagram on a napkin. “The 'pimped' space shuttle, the EnterPlaya,” he explains, “will come fitted standard with floor-to-ceiling thick shag carpet, a kickass sound system, Xbox 360, landing gear spinners, eight waterbeds, and an aquarium. Booyaa!" More About: Space , My Space , Space Shuttle , Shut , Shuttle
The Truth About the Rat Race
2007-07-27 05:17:00 Predator Press [Mr Insanity] As LOBO was being arrested, Templeton peered out from under Phil’s rabies tag. Phil, LOBO’s cat, was reading extreme signs of stress. And if Phil somehow didn’t find her way back into LOBO’s custody, poof, RDO's entire mission was a failure.Baking in the 120 degree heat of the sunbathed car, Phil barely noticed as Templeton took flight through the cat cage bars. And perched on the bottom of the steering wheel, Templeton scanned through all data he had on internal combustion engines. LOBO was already handcuffed and in the back seat of the squad car, but the Chick Magnet’s engine was still running; rolling down all the electric windows --the most important thing-- was mere child’s play. The car would go down forty degrees within minutes.But how was Templeton to save Phil from starvation? Contemplating this thoughtfully, Templeton flew out the window to seek human aid, only to be promptly struck by a fateful sports car at 220 MPH. ... More About: Truth , Race , Rat Race , Ruth , The Truth
Lohan Sues eBay Over Faulty Ankle Bracelet
2007-07-25 02:31:00 Predator Press "Oh man, I just knew something was up Your Honor," explains Lohan . Once sworn in, Lindsay Lohan dropped bombs: "This necklace is supposed to detect for cocaine, and it only worked for about two weeks," she sobbed. "And that guy had a 101.02% PowerSeller rating! We should all --in pursuit of justice-- collectively leave him some really mediocre 'Feedback'." When asked for additional comment, Lohan would only reply by grinding her teeth, having animated conversations about how shiny her car was, and proclaiming any juror needing sleep a 'Communist Pussy'. Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones and CEO of mammajammadrugtectingkewlaccessories105@y ahoo.com, insists that MammaJamma technology has been 'totally bastardized by The Man'." "These devices beam data about the wearer's drug use directly to my BlackBerry," claims Richards. "I just wanted to keep track of where the party was. This is the biggest exaggeration of a produc... More About: Ebay , Bracelet
I'll Whore the Simpsons Movie for This Cool JPEG
2007-07-24 07:31:00 Predator Press [LOBO]Miss Crabapple would dig me. You know it. More About: Movie , Cool , The Simpsons , Whore , Simpsons
Blogger Summit Accomplishes Little
2007-07-24 04:34:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "Hey," I says. "Thanks for getting me out of jail." "No problem," says Doc Mike. "Actually it was Lord Likely." With a sharp crack, Lord Likely delivers a searing blow across my back with his cane. "If I ever here you besmirching blogdome by blogging on a dead rat again," he declares, "I'll have you basted with gravy, and leave you on an island of cannibals!" "Yes sir," I says, wincing as my sweat burns into the wounds. "How's the food there?" "Not bad," says Likely. "Hey," says Domestic Minx. "Why aren't you crying like a sissy?" "I temporarily fused my tear ducts closed with hot wires," I explain. "Was that so other prisoners couldn't see you crying?" asks Doc. "No. That was because a big hairy guy with a knife wanted to see what would happen." "So you burned your tear ducts closed?" asks Lady Terri. "Hey," I says. "I was just glad he wasn't some kind of weirdo." "Good point," says Likely. "I thought your were a 14th-level ... More About: Blogger , Summit , Logger , Blogg , Litt
Former Country Music Star has $1000 for Bail
2007-07-24 01:01:00 Predator Press [LOBO] While arresting boozy, brawling, drug-addled former country music stars is 'par for the course', having one in custody that can make her own bail defies all known modern history. "I was totally floored," says Sheriff Jason Alden of the Lee County Sheriff's office. "I mean, rap stars yes. Rap artists share a special kind of camaraderie when it comes to incarceration, and often leave VISAs and 'bling' hidden in the cells so their rivals can be quickly freed and more easily shot at."He showed us a manila folder. It's obviously true. "But Country music artists have a long history of getting raped by record companies," he continues, "and continuing on to boondoggle investment strategies involving precious rhinestones and impractical head and footwear. When I found out Mindy McCready had a Grand just laying around, I was completely mystified." The fact that Mindy McReady had 'raised the bar' came with mixed reviews from the country artis... More About: Music , Country Music , Star
Britney Launches Malfunction-Proof Clothing Line
2007-07-22 07:40:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Very popular in beach communities like Miami, the Boyant Chastity line of clothing has met nothing but rave reviews. "Boyant Chastity clothes are very comfortable, modest and inconspicuous," says Maria Rodriguez Fernando Jesus Arigoto Vinnie Vito NASCAR Starbucks NASCAR Again Epstein Jones. "I always hated the unwanted attention I would get when I wore my thong to the grocery store or to church." More About: Clothing , Britney , Proof , Line , Thing
Mars Rovers Found at Stephen Hawking’s House
2007-07-22 07:00:00 Predator Press A search for drugs and pornography at Stephen Hawking's Summer home in Casa de Rio turned up more than was bargained for: both $350M Mars Rove rs -supposedly on Mars since 2004-have actually been sending photos from the beach, and fetching drinks for scantily-clad supermodels. "Oh come on people!" says noted physicist Hawking as he is handcuffed and escorted away. "Microbes?" on Mars? Please. I coulda sent you guys pictures of turkeys an you would've bought it." More About: House , Rover
Snow: 3 of 5 Polyps Already Debriefed on Iraq
2007-07-21 20:27:00 Predator Press [LOBO]You know, I thought this idea was so funny I would finish it later. I'm still laughing too hard. More About: Iraq , Snow , Ready , Poly , Brief
Research Team Doesn't Know Harry Potter Ending
2007-07-21 19:11:00 Predator Press [LOBO] “I’m only on chapter 12,” complains Doctor Franz Swaret. “Reading the Book on an iPhone can be a real pain in the gluteus maximus, if you catch my drift.” When questioned why they were out in the brutal cold and what they were researching, the electronics specialist rolled a "20", scoring a critical hit against a berzerker with his +4 Sword of Bloodlust, killing it instantly. It was then we said 'screw this story'. It's freaking cold up here. More About: Research , Harry Potter , Team , Potter , Ending
Tammy Faye Pillowcases to Hang at Louvre
2007-07-21 09:54:00 Predator Press All fifteen pillowcases of the series titled "Linen inRhapsody" will be available for public viewing this fall. More About: Louvre , Hang
Cheney to Run Country During Bush Surgery
2007-07-20 23:18:00 Predator Press [LOBO] During President Bush 's colonoscopy, Dick Chen ey will search for Weapons of Mass Destruction and victory in the Middle East. More About: Country , Surgery
Predator Press Releases Fragrances
2007-07-20 04:05:00 Predator Press [LOBO] We know that when you think Predator Press, you think romance; that's why we came out with our spiff new line of fragrances. Predator Press Perfume ($19.99) has all the amorous scent and flavor of grilled pork chops and stuffing with half the calories; Predator Press Musk ($5.99) hints of creamy brown gravy drenched mushrooms and buttered biscuits. More About: Press Releases , Fragrances , Predator , Ease
VALERIE PLAME IS A SPY
2007-07-19 23:08:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Valerie Plame screwed up our perfectly good exclusive today by admitting she was a spy in Federal Court. We've known for weeks that she was a spy; it's written all over the bathroom wall at the White House.And today, just as we're about to stuff this heaping helping of Truth down your gullet, she just flat out blurts "Hi. I'm Valerie Plane, and I'm a spy", right into cameras and microphones that broadcast it all over the world. Seriously! So we figure it's not a total loss, right? Maybe we'll be there to get the footage of when she leaps up and kills all them guys with a teeny concealed machine gun in her watch, or hurls a laserbeam stiletto hairpin into some important guy's heart. Or maybe she just vaporizes them with a satellite death ray, and escapes in a sports car that turns into a submarine! Hell, now that would be a pretty kickass story too. And it seems, after all, the least she could do after we've gone through all this trouble, ... More About: Lame , Erie
Michael Vick Falsely Accused of Dogfighting
2007-07-19 22:57:00 Predator Press We here at Predator Press rarely take part in "Investigative Reporting"; investigations tend to be lengthy and boring, and the reporting doubly so.But when we found out that NFL star Michael Vick was under fire for alleged dogfighting, we were really intrigued. But a preliminary examination of Micheal Vick's lavish pad produced exactly zero airplanes. None. Zip. Hear that CNN? The fact is, Michael Vick doesn't possess a current pilot's license, nor has he ever. And aside from 2 rather incriminating Red Baron frozen pepperoni pizzas and a conspicuously inordinate amount of bottled water and lava lamps, we uncovered absolutely nothing during the search to support these slanderous allegations. How can a man with no plane or pilot's license possibly engage in mortal air-to-air combat? Hm? More About: Dogfighting , Accu
Rowling Begins ‘Harry Potter and the Iron Lung’
2007-07-19 22:44:00 Predator Press Daniel Radcliffe, depicted left, has signed on to JK Rowling 's final final installment in the Harry Potter series. In this film, an incontinent Harry faces banishment from the AARP, and loses his health insurance for turning his AFLAC agent into a duck. Radcliffe, busy trying to keep neighborhood kids off his lawn, declined comment. More About: Iron
Revenge-Seeking Paris Hilton to Record New Album
2007-07-19 21:17:00 Predator Press Paris Hilton , embittered by three weeks in prison, has re-entered the recording studio in order to exact her merciless vengeance upon Humankind. On the condition of anonymity, a public relations executive from Apple --the iPod designer and manufacturer-- spoke with Predator Press immediately prior to his suicide. "Last week, we were worried about the liability when that kid almost got his head blown off by a lightning strike. Now this. I don't think even rampant iPhone profits will cover all the inevitable destruction and chaos." Scientists from around the world are expressing agreement that the devastation will take on many forms besides the obvious economic ones. "We've linked last week's earthquake in Japan to the exact time Paris' sound checks were being done," explains noted physicist Stephen Hawking. "You know how a voice can shatter a glass? Well, picture busting God's glass, and spilling red wine all over His cosmic lapels!" The EPA, ... More About: Album , Record
Amy Polumbo Out, New Jersey Runner-Up Crowned
More articles from this author:2007-07-18 17:08:00 Predator Press Shocked at Amy Polumbo's scandalous admission that she is 'not a robot', the committee in charge of New Jersey 's beauty pageant reacted with her swift and immediate disqualification. "Look," points out a judge. "Everyone knows the first sign that someone is indeed a robot is when they deny being a robot." "That techno-floozy has a proven history of circulating her tawdry schematics," cites another official. "We have numerous photos of her publicly rubbing hydraulic fluid into her chassis, and completely removing her service panels at large, drunken MIT frat parties." "It really came down to her behavior," he explains. "When you think of New Jersey, we want you to think 'Garden State', not 'common filthy Popular Mechanics whore'." The new Miss New Jersey, Rosie Reuboux, was unavailable for comment. More About: Runner , Crowned 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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