Predator PressPredator PressThis is an adult site, and should not be viewed by anyone except blind people, and people with broken monitors. Articles
Boeing: Dreamliner Technology 'Crash-Resistant'
2007-07-18 01:42:00 Predator Press More About: Technology , Boeing , Crash , Dreamliner , Ology
Press Release: I Am Definitely NOT 'The Emperor'
2007-07-17 03:05:00 Predator Press [LOBO] As an official diplomat of the vast country of LOBOnia, I would quickly like to point out that I have never uttered the words, "I am The Emperor and I'm here to take over state government". Just to be clear, that would have been crazy. LOBOnia is a peace-loving nation of people that often go to great efforts in pursuit of not getting beaten up or shot; "Chancellor" is maybe more along the lines of what we were getting at. You know, something fun. More About: Press Release , Release , Ease
Al Gore Jogging Route Mysteriously Destroyed
2007-07-16 19:07:00 Predator Press "I'm baffled," says Chief Civil Engineer Frank Stewart as he puts stickpins in his map. "Never seen anything like it. The path of destruction starts at a Krispy Kreme, wipes out nine Starbucks, and ends curiously one half mile away at a Dairy Queen." More About: Al Gore , Gore , Route , Teri , Myst
Nobody Likes Me In Here
2007-07-16 02:53:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Having figured out how to post with the simple use of a dead rat, I would have been fine finishing my entire sentence right there in my cell. But my other new hobby -counting my time served by drawing hash marks on the wall-was already getting me into trouble. "Jeez," says the guard. "How many of them hash marks are there?" "40,045," I reply. "But you've only been here two hours." "Time can be very subjective," I offer. "Listen," says the guard. "Your best bet of getting out of here isn't feeding this psycho image. Prison is about rehabilitation. You should take a class or something, and develop a skill that you can use on the outside. It would also demonstrate a social capacity for getting along with others." "What kind of classes do you offer?" "What don't we have?" says the guard, eying his clipboard. "At two o'clock, we've got 'Doing Drugs Out of a Light Bulb'." "Nah," I says. "How about 'Toilet Micro Breweries'?" "No." He ... More About: Like , Nobody
Thirty Minutes in 'The Hole'
2007-07-15 18:14:00 Predator Press [Mr Insanity] So once again I find myself staring at LOBO through one-way glass. But this time it's in a state penitentiary. "Wow," I says. "I rather like the muzzle and restraints. Did he try to hurt someone?" "No," says the Warden. "He just kept complaining it was cold in there." Two somewhat bookish, attractive women enter the room. "Why are they here?" I ask. "That's his psychiatrist and his lawyer. They're the only way we could get him to bathe." "What?" I says. "How else will he get beaten and raped by the other prisoners?" "Release him into the general population? No, no, no," says the Warden. "A diabolical genius like LOBO can't be allowed to interact with the other prisoners. He's far too dangerous. There would be pandemonium." "Diabolical genius?!" I repeat, completely floored. "LOBO?" "I'll sure sleep a lot better when he's released," says the Warden. "Then the prison will be safe again." "This guy calls me to his ho... More About: Hole , Minutes , Minute , Utes , The Hole
LOBO Goes to Jail
2007-07-14 00:27:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "And that's what happened," I says. "I don't really understand what the big deal is." The old man just stared at me. I was feeling chatty. "Then, check this out. I figured if I was going to go through with the whole 'telling the cop to go fuck himself' thing, I was basically clearing my schedule for the afternoon. So I speed-dial Phil's vet to cancel his appointment, right? The chick on the phone is concerned that Phil will be left in the car when it gets towed. She says 'Sir, please make sure you call someone to come get your dog'." The creepy guy just kept staring. "My dog?" I says. "I mean my vet thinks Phil is a dog. What a dumbass. No wonder they think he's a girl!" "Sir," asks the Judge. "Will you please sit so we can begin the proceedings?" "We haven't started?" *** "And that's what happened," I says. "I don't really understand what the big deal is." "LOBO," says Babs over the phone. "Please don't tell me you used... More About: Lobo , Jail , Goes
Fast Lane
2007-07-13 06:21:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "Son," says the officer. "I've got you clocked at 240 miles per hour in a 35. Would you care to explain to me why you are driving over 200 miles per hour?" "This is a medical emergency," I says. "And we need a police escort." "Really?" He glances over to the passenger side, and sees Phil's cat cage, chained and padlocked to the passenger seat. "Yes," I says. "He's due for kidney testing today because he was eating IAMS a few months ago. We either go to the Pianosa Veterinarian Hospital or he dies. The hospital will sue me, I will sue IAMS, IAMS will sue China, and then China will wipe out Tibet. Now sir, are you prepared to have your fine performance record with The Force blemished with an international incident?" "How about you just explain to me how you were going 240 miles per hour in a 1990 Plymouth Horizon?" "It's actually a 2008 Porsche Panamera with custom-fitted removable vintage Plymouth Horizon panels." "No shit?" says the c... More About: Lane , Fast
Clay Aiken: An American Athletic Legend
2007-07-12 01:08:00 Predator Press [LOBO] LOBO: Goddamnit, it's an honor to meet you sir. Clay : Well thanks! It's nice to be here. Why is everything on fire? LOBO: You're a lot smaller than I expected. Clay: What? LOBO: I guess it's true the camera puts on like 100 pounds. What're you, a buck-forty soaking wet? Clay: What the hell are you talking about? LOBO: You must have been fast as hell. If them other football players woulda caught you, they'da squished you. Clay: What football players? LOBO: That's the spirit. A scrawny guy like you out there on the field's probably gotta have a scrappy attitude. 'Specially having been inducted into the Pro-Football Hall of Fame. Clay: Don't call me scrawny. LOBO: Did you like retire from the Dallas Cowboys and stop working out completely? Oh wow. Was it 'roids? Is this like the husk of what's left over of an athelete after you burned out on anabolics and Gatorade and stuff? Clay: No, it wasn't 'roids'. I think you... More About: American , Clay Aiken , Legend , Aiken
Kitchen Fire Destroys Predator Press Headquarters
2007-07-11 03:14:00 Predator Press “See Ethan? I told you Pop-Tarts would popif you cooked them in a microwave.” More About: Kitchen , Fire , Predator , Headquarters
Papal Decree: "My God Can Kick Your God's Ass"
2007-07-11 01:14:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "Look," said Pope Benedict XVI during today's press conference. "I can't throw a rock without hitting a 'Church of Agnostic Diagonal Baptist Jesuit Orthodoxies' or whatever; you mushheads would worship iced tea and spotted rocks if Tom Cruise told you to." "Facts are facts people," he continues. "The bulk of you are going to burn in the Lake of Fire forever. And with electric eel enemas if I have anything to say about it: I'm goin' Old Testament on yer asses!" The news that God hates them and has doomed them all to Hell forever came as quite a shock to theologians across the world. "I was so wrong all this time," says the dejected Dali Lama. "Have you any idea how long I've been waiting to get one of them cool hats?" "Hello Dali," laughs the Pope, pulling the corners of his eyes into a squinty expression. "So solly! I wear this hat, and only I wears this hat. This hat is deeply-rooted in the tradition of being a symbol of the One Tru... More About: Kick , Cree
Ten Years Gone
2007-04-12 18:46:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Believe it or not, there was a time when the world didn't have Predator Press yet. And without Predator Press around to document an accurate and quantified objective world history, little is know about these dark times: they are shrouded in legends and mystery. Oh, sure. There are "history" books chocked full of fanciful and unverifiable claims such as the Lunar Landing, Women's Suffrage, and the existence of Australia. But remember what history books cost? Compare that to the price of your Predator Press subscription. Hell, at $50 or more a pop, I would be tempted to tell you stuff like 'the world is round' and Steve Gutenberg invented the movable type as well. I mean who the hell would need that? We have integrity. The reason this comes up now is because Lady Pyrate has recently uncovered some pre-Predator Press documents written by me. Doing my duty as a citizen, I first emailed the Smithsonian notifying them of the staggering significan... More About: Gone , Years , Year , Ears
Mother Night
2007-04-12 17:11:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Most afternoons are certainly dedicated to play once the work is done; mornings, conversely, are spent ramping up to be serious. --for a few hours anyways. At the prompt of the shrieking alarm clock, I flip on the news via the remote control while shuffling my way to the kitchen in my fuzzy-bunny slippers. Then I’ll spend about ten minutes with my coffee in the living room, blearily sorting out what you people have done while I was sleeping. But today I woke a little late, and my beloved morning ritual was rudely disrupted; with no time for cozy commiseration, I could give the television but a momentary look as I headed for the shower. In that single glance, I caught some familiar ticker tape phrases scrolling across the bottom of the screen; words like Slaughterhouse Five and Breakfast of Champions. And my first thought is that some school is trying to ban books again … or maybe some religious nut is cranking up the political atmosphere by cr... More About: Other , Night , Mother
Jesus' Friends were Jerks
2007-04-08 16:57:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Look, I’m only sayin it because I’m right around His age when everything went south. Right about now, Jesus is planning for a World Tour to spread His Message. So He’s packing, going over travel plans, hiring His security detail, checking His insurance cards and verifying that His passport is in order. But then His buddy Bill comes in. “Word up, JC,” says Bill. “Word,” says Jesus. “Whatcha doin?” “I’m making ready to spread My Sacred and Holy Message, that I might save the world.” Then there’s an awkward silence. “I don’t know,” says Bill, scratching his chin. “What?” “Well, any religious nut can go on tour. I mean you might as well walk around wearing one of those sandwich board signs that says ’THE END IS NEAR’.” “What do you suggest, Mister Smarty Pants?” Bill thinks quietly for a moment. “I think you need to think big. What if you get betrayed, captured, beaten, whipped, skinned alive,... More About: Friends , Friend , Jerk , Ends
Hawk
2007-03-18 21:28:00 Predator Press [LOBO] “So you’re a Republican now?” says Ethan. “Yes I am,” says me. “Someone has to look out for the AARP.” “So you’re going to help the elderly get decent medical and drug coverage?” “No,” I says. “I’m going to 'level the playing field', and make everyone under 30 drive blindfolded and on Valiums.” More About: Hawk
Barney: A Predator Press In-Depth Interview
2007-03-18 07:03:00 Predator Press LOBO: “So you’re Barn ey? Can I call you Barney?” [‘Barney’ pulls off his massive head, and extends his 'paw'] BARNEY: “I’m Doug. Doug Anderson. A guy that wears the ‘Barney’ suit” LOBO: “So, ‘Doug Anderson’ –if indeed that is your real name-- you are, in fact, Barney?" BARNEY: “Uh, no.” LOBO: "--Or a paid representative of the omnipresent Barney Empire?” BARNEY: “I guess. I do kid shows for $18 an hour or so. Hadda take a class, and make sure I could sing the songs—“ LOBO: ”Yes yes, I’m familiar with your musical contributions. But tell me, how much pot exactly it should take for adult to actually be able to balance their children being momentarily distracted so they can get laid against your crap tunes?” BARNEY: “Excuse me?” LOBO: “Oh come on. Have you ever ONCE been blown by a rabid, crying groupie off of ‘Sharing is Caring’?” BARNEY: ”I think you would be ... More About: Inter , Interview , View
Blame it on San Andreas
2007-03-18 03:48:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Well, I have harshly criticized Blogger “The Butcher” Beta, so’s I guess I should mention a rather cool feature I’ve found. No one was more surprised than I; usually when I activate one of these mysterious unknown features, vipers pour out of my cd-rom drive, or huge spinning drills fly out of my monitor and drive themselves past my retinas and deeply into my brain. You may have noticed lately that I have been “labeling”; these are those little eyesore tags under every post that I can’t seem to hide. But these little tags have enabled me to begin an alphabetize a navigation tool in the Site Guide of past historic and brilliant Predator Press posts related to the subject in question. It's going slow, and I'm working backwards; with hundreds of posts, it will likely take months. But this will be an amazing aid to people new to the blog --as well as an academic researching organizer in the future, when scientists and archeologists ... More About: Andreas , Andre , Blame , Lame , Andrea
A Patriot Act
2007-03-16 00:41:00 Predator Press [LOBO] "I really appreciate you coming out Mister President," I says, climbing into the limousine. "What?" calls Bush in the distance. "I can't hear you." "Where are you sir?" I call into the palatial interior. "By the pinball machines!" Homing in on his voice, I find him excitedly contorting over a game of Super Faulken Ball."One more Island, and I'll control Argentina and Czechoslovakia -the gateway country to Australia!" "Wow," I says. "That's really cool. And educational." Just then, the game let out a low falling tone and all the lights went out --except for a bright flashing 'PAPAL SANCTIONS' marquee. "Damn!" Bush growls. "I 'tilted' it." "When did you put in the pool?" Bush brightens. "There's a pool?" "Yeah. Right next to the pizza oven." "Wow. That's really cool." "This thing must be hell on gas." Bush winks, and puts a finger to his lips. "Hydrogen. Had it since 1989. Want a gelato?" "No thanks." Bush sighs and steps back to size m... More About: Patriot , Patriot Act , Trio
Go, Fighty!
2007-03-12 23:46:00 Predator Press [LOBO] It's a fact: people never give Predator Press any credit for the huge socio-economic and medical advances we have provided Humanity. But how about the Science and Engineering? Hm? Like back last April when we presented the alternative to 'Doggie Stairs' with our 160 horse powered 'Dog Launcher' --now available with patented and environmentally-friendly optional Ethanol fuel cells-- did this fantastic technological advancement get mentioned in a Scientific American, Popular Mechanics, or maybe even a lousy Readers Digest? No. And I strongly suspect it’s no accident. Take, for instance, our groundbreaking 'Mag-Cat' Research and Development: My theory was that cats, cunning natural predators equipped with lightning-fast reflexes, grace, and guile, would be ideally suited for intense Air Hockey competition. *** Now of course, the Air Hockey table –designed for humans—would have to undergo some minor modifications to pr... More About: Fight
"THE SHART" BITES
2007-02-26 03:07:00 Predator Press Unaware that he is about to be apprehended and beaten severely, notorious "Shovelman" attempts to steal snow from the State Capitol of beloved Pianosa--all to fuel Mister Cold Miser's sinister groundhog-killing "Doomsday Device" More About: Hart , Bite
Secret War
2007-02-25 00:44:00 Predator Press [LOBO] In the subseqent Lobonian trial, it was found that Frank was completely innocent, and that he killed Doctor Dentin Whatsit in self-defense.The victim was British, after all. But as they hauled him away to Guantanamo Bay, Frank somehow let it slip that I possess weapons of mass destruction. I swear to God after I built them, my mom said "You'll poke your eye out!", and I haven't thought about them since. It's really my mom's fault if you think about it ... More About: War , Secret
Thaw
2007-02-21 02:11:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Despite the unjust, immoral, lopsided, asymmetrical offensives the US wreaked permanently upon our local economy, tourism and industrial might by shutting off our cable, we bravely carry on under our new oppressors. But Phil is sick. I knew something was wrong; he cranks out kittens like four times a year! But the vet just called with his test results, and he has “elevated kidney levels” and requires more tests. I think it’s a little ironic that of everyone in this house --and their respective diets and lifestyles-- the cat is cracking up.
LOBONIA SURRENDERS; SUES FOR PEACE
2007-02-19 21:25:00 Predator Press Shortest Insurrection in US History ”The sooner we get our Reparations, the sooner we can rebuild,” says Lobo nain Chancellor. "Now will you please turn my cable back on?" More About: Peace , Ender , Obon , Surrender
Predator Press Reviews: Canadian Bacon
2007-02-19 21:01:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Well, the author of such books as Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 911 has gone and scared the shit out of me again with his latest documentary Canadian Bacon, starring critically acclaimed Rip Torn and a lot of other really talented actors. In this movie, Roger Moore unveils footage of Americans concocting a phony threat from another country in order to secure political stability and fulfill the agenda of a greedy profiteer that personally benefits from America’s participation in a war. --God, if I would’ve written it as a science fiction story you wouldn’t have believed it. Well, needless to say, I panicked and seceded from the United States. No, I’m serious. I have proudly hoisted the new flag of glorious Sovereign LOBONIA.It's a little too 'friendly' as far as I'm concerned, but I want to encourage the local "surf and sand" lifestyle, as well as robust trade, supermodel tourism, and hearty taxation. Rather 'geogra... More About: Views , Reviews , Review
CHICK MAGNET (NOT SHOWN) TAKES 3RD
2007-02-19 05:06:00 Predator PressDaytona 500 Exclusive "Jesus Christ you guys drive fast!... So where are we?" More About: Show , Chick , Take , Magnet
Oh Yes I Did
2007-02-19 04:57:00 Predator Press [LOBO] You know how I was wearing fake weights so I could hit on sensitive and vulnerable chicks with low self-esteem at Weight Watchers meetings? Well, then I did something kinda reprehensible: I claimed to have invented the Fat-Burning Twinkie, and started to sell them at $4 a pop there. Now, a $2 box of Twinkies has, well, a lot of goddamn Twinkies in it. I figure I can make maybe 5-6% on this deal, right? At first, Weight Watchers Corporate didn’t notice anything. I --having dropped the weights-- had lost about 55 pounds while everyone else gained two or three. The net result was pretty much zero. Ultimately, it was an IRS guy that busted me out. He had a shoebox full of checks from Weight Watchers “known associates” --currently embroiled in a lawsuit against Weight Watchers-- totaling $26,420, all made out to “cash”, and all signed by me. Weight Watchers Corporate is just plain jealous.
Tom Sawyer
2007-02-18 05:59:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I’ve been going to Weight Watchers meetings for six weeks now, wearing 20 pounds of leg and wrist weights and a 35 pound plate tucked under my jacket. Tonight, for the “Weigh In”, I’m leaving it all at home. I am soooooo getting laid …… More About: Sawyer
Predator Press Reviews: Ghost Rider
2007-02-18 02:41:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I don’t know why he does it, but once or twice a year Ethan makes me go and do a movie review.And like clockwork, I come back yawning from the new Hollywood catalog of eye-popping special effects and budget surpluses, loosely wrapped around a $2 script. But this year I was pleasantly surprised; this movie was a lot of fun. The first thing that stands out about Ghost Rider is the all-star cast: it features a flaming skull, a tall skinny guy and a chick with fantastic cleavage, and a stellar myriad of various other supporting actors. For a documentary about a tall skinny guy selling his soul to the devil for a chick with fantastic cleavage and then becoming “Flaming Skull Guy”, I think there’s going to be huge buzz about the performances when the Oscars come around this year. Still, while exhilarating, it was a rather disturbing piece for me --a former “Ghost Rider ” myself—to watch. *** I’m phobic of cotton. Hey, some people are ... More About: Views , Reviews , Review
Malaise
2007-02-17 21:41:00 Predator Press [LOBO] “Look,” says RDO. “If you wanted to be an astronaut so bad, why did you give NASA this obviously phony letter of recommendation from Steven Hawking?” “Steven Hawking and I grew up together,” says me. “We met in 4-H. It was good times. We used to road-load on the tractor and throw empty Boonesfarm bottles at the Chess Club while they were playing Dungeons and Dragons.” “This letter is handwritten. In crayon.” “That whole wheelchair thing is an act. It’s like his gimmick. In reality, we play racquetball every Tuesday and Thursday. And you should see the tail that guy pulls down … it’s fucking amazing. Whenever the guy mentions the ‘Planck’s Law’ or ‘quantum flux’, you can almost hear soggy panties hit the floor.” More About: Mala
The Final Frontier
2007-02-17 03:25:00 Predator Press [LOBO] ”I just don’t believe practice makes perfect. I think practice makes you just like everyone else. And that’s why I’m underlining this as one of my unique qualifications for the job.” --Something in that sentence costed me my astranot gig with NASA. More About: Final , Front , Tier , Fina , Frontier
Tinker
More articles from this author:2007-02-16 04:07:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Admittedly, I’ve been “cheesing out” on the writing lately, and causing somewhat of a dial-up pile-up with all the pictures.But while millions and millions of Luddite readers merely bitched and moaned, I was spending countless hours trying to build the Predator Press site map. A “site map”, Lady Pyrate explained to me, is a series of HTML code that makes your site search-friendly to Google and Yahoo robots and spiders. Now, call me crazy, but robots and spiders will buy less of this crappy Predator Press merchandise than even you ... and my house is already piled to the sky with crates of baseball caps and T-shirts. It's very simple if you think about it: a) Robots look lousy in the sweaters, and are not even approved to have Paypal accounts yet, and2) spiders are just plain icky. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
|
 |
|
 |
