Predator PressPredator PressThis is an adult site, and should not be viewed by anyone except blind people, and people with broken monitors. Articles
PREDATOR PRESS EXCLUSIVE
2007-02-14 02:09:00 Predator Press Infuriated, Michael Jackson insistshe is Anna Nicole's 'baby-daddy' More About: Exclusive , Predator
Public Service Announcement
2007-02-14 02:04:00 Predator PressIn 'Mime', no one can hear you scream. More About: Public Service , Public , Men , Service , Announcement
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-13 23:40:00 Predator Press If I had this outfit, I would walk around in blizzards just to freak people out.... I'll bet I could take out major intersections with a single verse of "The Macarena". More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
PREDATOR PRESS EXCLUSIVE
2007-02-13 05:25:00 Predator Press RUMORS CONFIRMED: CALISTA FLOCKHART ALLERGIC TO BEES More About: Exclusive , Predator
The Greatest Method Actor Alive
2007-02-13 05:05:00 Predator Press When I asked Anthony Hopkins for his autograph, holy shit ... ! More About: Great , Live , Test , Alive , Actor
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-13 04:06:00 Hypothetical Situation:The long-haired guy wants airline tickets. Does he whip out: a) his Platinum Card, or, b) his penis? More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-13 03:50:00 Predator Press MENSA Launches Hot New Acrombie & Fitch Clothing Line More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-13 03:42:00 Predator Press "Ever had that nightmare where you're dancin 'The Locomotion', and suddenly wake up gettin a Grammy on television?" More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-13 03:36:00 Predator Press "Listen, I want you guys to have a good time tonight, so stay the fuck away from Imogen Heap, okay?" More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-12 05:43:00 Predator Press When attending the Grammys, please remember to turn your headlights --and your 'FREAK'-- off in the Parking Facility. More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
Next Year In Review
2007-02-11 09:06:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Well, at least they stopped using curse words. More About: Review , Next , View , Year , Year in Review
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-11 09:00:00 Predator Press I think this chick digs me. More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-11 05:23:00 Predator Press Shortly after trying to "google" Google, this poor girl was suddenly devoured by a ravenous swatch of carnivorous shag carpeting. More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-11 05:12:00 Predator Press No one was more shocked than I to see my former fashion consultant and fitness trainer had finally made the 'Big Time'.--particularly after he stole all my feather boas and ate my Chicken McNuggets. More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
49th Annual Grammy Coverage
2007-02-11 05:06:00 Predator Press "Come any closer, and I'llpoke your fucking eye out!" More About: Rage , Cover , Over , Vera , Coverage
Replacing the Chick Magnet
2007-02-10 21:28:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I told the people at Carmax.com that I wanted the hottest, coolest, fastest, girl-kissinest car that was ever madeAfter they ran my credit, they recommended the ANDYCAR XLS The sales guy boasts this sporty compact has "immaculate interior, immeasurable mileage, and good, sturdy suspension". More About: Chick , Magnet
Next Year In Review
2007-02-10 17:28:00 Predator Press [LOBO] click image to ... uh ...Ethan, drunk and on vacation in Cancun,passes out cold with hats on backwards[As a gag, we airbrushed out his muscles.] More About: Review , Next , View , Year , Year in Review
Microsoft Triumphs Over crApple Once Again
2007-02-10 16:39:00 Predator Press [LOBO] click image to enlarge click image to enlarge More About: Apple , Microsoft , Crap , Soft , Again
The Wrong Stuff
2007-02-10 00:52:00 Predator Press [LOBO] click image to enlargeclick image to enlarge More About: Stuff , Wrong
Next Year In Review
2007-02-08 06:45:00 Predator Press DESPITE GPA DIVE, PARIS HILTON'SQUANTUM MECHANICS FOR DUMMIES#1 BESTSELLER ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES"Paris’ tawdry and sexualized behavior objectifies and therefore degrades all women," says pasty, pudgy, acne-riddled, Twinkie-scarfing, Starbucks-toting, hemp-wearing, hairy snaggltoothed gnarly-toed behemoth pooch protester. More About: Review , Next , View , Year , Year in Review
Barack Obama: Rise to Power
2007-01-30 00:23:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Uncharacteristically prepared for this historic interview, I am a little stunned at Obama ’s well-groomed and relaxed demeanor. However, a seasoned journalist, I’ve learned to face these surprises with an icy cool that only comes with experience. We professionally shake hands, and the interview begins. Armed with well-researched 'facts' and stuff, I come out swinging. LOBO: So why’d you do it? Obama: Excuse me? LOBO: You know what you did. [Obama shrugs, bewildered] LOBO: You know, that whole "September 11th" thing. Obama: I think you are thinking of Osama. LOBO: Who? Obama: Osama Bin Laden. LOBO: Who are you? Obama: I’m Barack Obama . LOBO: No relation? Obama: No. LOBO: Every think about attacking America with airplanes? Obama: No. LOBO: Ever been on an airplane? Obama: Yes. LOBO: But never thought of attacking America with it? Obama: No. I did, however, remove my seat belt before the light instructed me ... More About: Power , Bama
Violated
2006-12-31 22:50:00 Predator Press [LOBO] I’m dreaming. Rush Limbaugh is playing golf, and I’m hiding behind a nearby tree --surrounded by water balloons. I must be careful which balloon I select; this is the opportunity of a lifetime. It must be full enough to make a good splash at this distance, but not so firm as it would burst during the hurl … “Mr. Curr!” exclaims Nurse Garrison. Waking slowly, I realize I am holding her breasts. Mortified, I smacked her. More About: Late , Viol , Viola
Win, Place, Blow
2006-12-30 12:39:00 Predator Press [Cobe] It turns out the story of the “real” Mister Insanity reads like a Shakespearian tragedy. Born to a small rural community in Kentucky, Mister Insanity –or “Knickers” as he was known then—had a rather unspectacular childhood. He wasn’t particularly good in school, probably due to the long hours on the farm. But could he ever run. It didn’t take long for friends and colleagues to take notice of his blossoming talent; despite mediocre grades and poor attendance, Knickers was granted a scholarship to Notre Dame. It was there that Knickers would earn his now-famous moniker “Mister Insanity”, due mostly to his adolescent fondness for campus streaking, avocado dip, and Fuzzy Navels. But now a star on the rise, the inertia of his career was superceding even the lightest of disciplines; endorsement deals soon followed, clouding his adolescent judgment ... among the most notably controversial of which, the 2.2 million dollar “Crazy Glue”... More About: Place , Lace
The Ballad of Mr Insanity
2006-12-29 01:50:00 Predator Press [Cobe] Last April, a thirsty Ethan and LOBO pulled into an Off Track Betting facility. “So what are we gonna do with Captain Burlap in the trunk?” LOBO says, unfolding his menu. “Ask him about the odds on the 5th race.” “Look, he’s not a calculatron,” says LOBO. “He’s a guy that was hanging out in front of a drug store near Oxford University with a broken shoelace.” “Which obviously makes him a 187 pound mathematical savant.” “I’m not arguing about his mathematic prowess,” LOBO repeats. “I’m just saying he’s been in our trunk for 16 hours. He’s probably hungry.” “So get him some French fries.” “I’m not buying fries for someone that has been trapped in my trunk for 16 hours.” “Just look at that horse,” says a distracted Ethan, pointing at one of 452 closely-joined monitors. In the bottom right corner, ESPN identified a singular steed as “Mister Insanity ” that was smashing the crap out of everyth... More About: Ballad , Ball , Alla
Best Squishes
2006-12-28 13:05:00 Predator Press [Mr Insanity] I am always startled to find a woman that doesn’t own a vibrator. I don’t think there’s really any social stigma about it anymore, either. Let’s conduct an experiment: All you ladies who do not own a vibrator, please raise your hand. Now look over the edge of your cubicle. Do you see any hands other than your own? Ladies, ladies … this is, like, the Twenty-First Century or something; there are tiny, concealable, subtle technologies available that can bring you instant sexual gratification virtually anywhere. I wish men were so lucky. If that was true for us, we would carry them proudly displayed on leather tool belts --customized with a "quick draw" feature-- and probably have an emergency holdout stashed in our boot. We would have them in the file cabinets, several would be rolling about the floorboard of the car, at least one would be welded on the television remote, and a half dozen would absently be stashed between the mattre... More About: Best
Te Amo
2006-08-06 17:27:00 Predator Press [Mr. I] Robot LOBO #32 arrived at the Pearly Gates bewildered. The last thing he remembered was being eaten by wild dogs as he desperately held his breath to avoid inhaling deadly biological nerve toxins. Nothing particularly unusual or out of the ordinary. But now he was dead. By now, there was a small line of Robot LOBOs waiting to speak to Saint Peter. "Hi Robot LOBO #32!", says Robot LOBO #71 and #16, waving enthusiastically. "Jesus Christ what a handsome robot." "I was just about to say the same thing," grins Robot LOBO #32. "You guys are downright gorgeous!" "What happened to you?" asks #71. "Hezbollah," he replies. "Wow," says #16. "Yeah," says #32. "What about you handsome devils?" #16 blushes. "You know I'm not sure. I got in a car and went kablooey. Could have been a defective reactor core." "Or maybe the mob," offers #71. "That's a really brilliant insight," ponders #16. "I never thought of that. It could have been a really ugly,...
Die with a Tee
2006-08-04 19:41:00 Predator Press [Mr. I] After a few months, I could get around pretty well without the wheelchair or crutches. This was good news because my new trailer park digs weren't handicap accessible. Still, I needed help to move, and LOBO was the only one to volunteer. So we got every last stick of my solid carved wood Victorian furniture in place, and miraculously without scratching or breaking anything. And LOBO worked really hard surprisingly; he didn't even complain while we hauled my Grand piano up the circular stairway. "I don't know why you didn't just have me move in with you at your old place," he says, sulky. "Less talkee. More workee." I reply. Finally finished, I announce that I'm going to spend the rest of the day watching the White Sox game. LOBO hates sports, and I was hoping this would encourage him to leave on his own volition. No such luck. So I hop in my soon-to-be-repossessed Mercedes to go get some groceries --and get away from him for a little wh... More About: With
Smartbomb
2006-06-15 19:38:00 Predator Press [Mr. I] Kringle’s compound, while formidable, was no match for RDO’s advanced technology; still, Sapphire had the Alpha Scrambler to contend with. “What’s that?” asked LOBO, exhausted from punching women and children. He was munching on animal crackers, and had a peculiar habit of eating only the heads and discarding the decapitated cookies all over the ship. “The Alpha Scrambler is a wave transmitted by satellite that makes smart people stupid,” replied Sapphire. “Like the Rush Limbaugh show?” “Exactly.” Thinking hard, Sapphire put her fingers to her lips. “I’m an android, so I’ll be immune. But I can’t do this alone. If the smarter you are the more susceptible you are, I’ll have to be careful who goes on the ground assault.” As she surveyed the available personnel her eyes fell on LOBO, who was scratching off lottery tickets on the navigation terminal with a quarter. “You’re in,” she stated flatly. “Wha--?... More About: Smart , Mart , Bomb
A Fairy Tale
2006-03-30 21:52:00 Predator Press [LOBO] [Based on the responses to "Contact", we've decided to re-publish this story as it appeared in the November, 2004 installment of this blog. Enjoy!] Once upon a time, in the sprawling wooded hills called Sprawling Wooded Hills, there was a quaint little hamlet called Towndaleburgville. This lovely little village was singular in that the people- peasant, pauper, knight, and baron alike- were all living very happily and contented in peaceful harmony. This was due largely in part to the glorious reign of the great King Artemis King. King King, while ruling his cheerful subjects in a fair and just manor, found much leisure time --as not much ever happened in Towndaleburgville-- and spent most of his time solving puzzles and playing games with the brighter of his regents. One day his lovely daughter, the fair princess Phoebe King, was riding her horse to the outskirts of the land. She loved the beautiful countryside of Sprawling Wooded Hills, the smell... More About: Fair , Fairy Tale , Tale
The International Star Registry
More articles from this author:2006-01-21 22:21:00 Predator Press [LOBO] Let me get this straight. For a few bucks, you can name your own star?Does this mean that in 2090 we are going to be fiercely embroiled in a galactic war against creatures from 'Steve Loves Amanda XXXOOOXXX'?First of all, how would you write catchy graffiti like, "Take that, creatures from Steve Loves Amanda XXXOOOXXX!!!" on the bombs? And you know how military spending goes: every single one of those "X"s and "O"s will be like a billion dollars.Let's leave the naming space stuff to guys like Steve Hawking. One look at the guy, and you know he's a big Dungeon and Dragons head: we'll have cool places to have wars with like The Great Ogre Vortex and The Giant Leech galaxies.Well, if everyone else is going to get a star, here's the name of mine:LAST CHANCE FOR GAS. PERIOD.I like the idea of some lost space jerk desperately looking through some equally spacey Encylopedia Bricktabula for whatever the Hell "GAS" is. More About: Registry , International , National , Inter , Nation 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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