The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. Due to satire, sarcasm and naughty words, reader discretion is strongly advised. Articles
Online Military Operations Finally Improve
2008-05-06 13:01:00 Manhattan, NY — In an effort to modernise and improve online paramilitary operations, The United Nations has finally unveiled a revolutionary communications tool - The Blogger Phonetic Alphabet. Engineered and developed by NATO scientists, The Blogger Phonetic Alphabet allows military operations to communicate effectively when entering foreign weblogs. Reports say that this new phonetic ... More About: Military , Cult , Online , Finally , Improve
Learning Is Fun: The Bank
2008-05-05 18:25:00 A bank is a kiss of vampires where regular customers will deposit and withdraw money under the scrutiny of vampiric scum. These monies are typically governed by a demonic overlord called a ‘Nazi Obergruppenfuhrer’ although they are more commonly known as ‘Bank Managers’. It is the Bank Manager who has an entourage of fawning, ... More About: Learning
Superhero Saves Portland
2008-05-04 14:03:00 Portland, OR — The heroin addiction capital of the United States finally has someone to confide in. A mysterious caped crusader known only as “Zetaman” is fighting hard to rid the world of head lice, hives and capitalist subjugation. Whatever. Zetaman, the unplanned ass child of Aquaman and Green Arrow, took his inspiration ... More About: Portland , Superhero
Active Cults Today: The Stanists
2008-05-04 13:40:00 The Playahata compound is a small community near the ghost town of Calico in the Mojave desert. It is home to the Stanists, a small cult founded in 1993 by Ivan Oder, an ex-member of Polish paramilitary organisation, the Dupek Liberation Front. In 1992, disillusioned with the thankless task of splitting peasants heads open with ... More About: Today , Cults , Active
Sporting Review: Defecation Endurance
2008-05-01 19:40:00 Defecation as a spiritual art form, and pietistic and divine defecation in particular, has spent many years in isolated solitude. For centuries, only devout monks would practise defecation and acknowledge the spiritual aura that was associated with mass defecation. Yet in 1985, all that changed. Matt LeWank, who would eventually go on to fund the ... More About: Reviews , Sport , Review , Sporting , Endurance
Adventures of Glog the Bedshitter
2008-05-01 13:15:00 Disclaimer: At the behest of Arch Magister Aubrey Dragonlivers of Chipping Ongar, Essex, this post must be accompanied with some form of mandatory warning. Whilst I was researching for this article (two university students and a bag of White Widow), I was contacted telepathically by Mr. Dragonlivers. He claimed that I would start a war ... More About: Adventures
A Triad Of World News
2008-04-27 18:52:00 Hollywood, CA — English fop, Hugh Grant has once again baffled Hollywood agents by suing himself over plans to cast himself in the lead of his new biopic, “In The Wrong Mouth At The Wrong Time”. This is just one in a long line of eccentric behaviour by Grant, 57, which started in 1995. After ... More About: News , World , Email , Satire
Inane Gibberish Finally Unites Community
2008-04-27 00:44:00 Rogerstone, Wales — For almost forty years, a local man has spent his evenings aimlessly garbling and talking to himself. In the eyes of many, his selfless actions have brought solace to a once shattered community. Yet in the eyes of Rhys Candice, a retired coal miner, it is only the beginning of ... More About: Community , Satire , Finally , Newport
Reader Submission: Potato Gun Rampage At Idaho Falls
2008-04-24 17:46:00 Idaho Falls, ID — Idaho Falls own KIFI TV was the scene of a brutal stand-off last night following an airing of the “Dancing With The Stars” results show. Derrick Stinson, a retired toll booth operator, held up the station with a home made potato gun for six hours before being cut down in ... More About: Space , Michael Jackson , Reader , Potato , Submission
Abraxas Quarantined By Blockbuster Officials
2008-04-23 17:04:00 Pittsburgh, PA — During routine checks at a Blockbuster store in the Noblestone area, an employee failed to inform her store manager of a discovery which could potentially put the lives of both staff and customers at considerable risk. Linda Dwyers, the 31 year old store clerk, was busy stocking the bargain bins with copies of ...
Music Fan Gets Fucking Face Rocked Off
2008-04-23 14:40:00 Buffalo, NY — When heavy metal aficionado Brett Delmar attended a performance by rock group Postmortem Priapism, he expected an entertaining show. What he didn?t plan on was losing his face. The concert began with Postmortem Priapism frontman Wayne Cumbucket?s announcement, ?We gonna rock you motherfuckers! We gonna rock your shit balls-hard!!!? The evening ended with ... More About: Music , Face , Fucking
Learning Is Fun: The Poor
2008-04-23 14:16:00 The Poor , (or ‘Impecunious Malodorous Scum’), is a scabrous creature that attaches itself to hominids like a parasitic bleb. It is often found languishing in doorways, eating pigeons or masturbating over the counter of Cash Converters. The chronology of The Poor is not quite known, but its evolution seems to be analogous to modern day ... More About: Learning
Reader Submission: Drug Companies Force Dealers To Strike
2008-04-20 17:44:00 Loris, SC — Drug users everywhere have discovered that the pharmaceutical companies are producing and distributing medicines which far surpass the powers of illegal street drugs. Due to this, drug users are turning to medicine cabinets in search of undiscovered highs. Ironically, this new trend is putting drug pushers out of business everywhere. “I ... More About: News , Companies , Space , Reader , Force
Study: Phil Collins Unable To Shove Grammy Up Own Ass
2008-04-20 17:32:00 After decades of suggestions that musician Phil Collins “can stick it up his ass,” a study has been conducted to test that hypothesis. In a series of self-financed experiments, Phil Collins has attempted to determine exactly what would or would not fit inside of his butthole. The former Genesis drummer insisted that this knowledge ... More About: Study , Grammy
Shaman Lynched By Villagers
2008-04-18 10:04:00 Darwinstone-on-Twee, England — Coal shed Shaman , Bob Abaddon was lynched by members of his community on Sunday after an outlandish prediction. According to Abaddon, Pazuzu (a border collie owned by Winstone Belphegor, a local farmer) would lay a “Golden Dog Egg” on Saturday evening. The small town in North Yorkshire (population twelve) attracted between seven ...
Learning Is Fun: The Politician
2008-04-17 22:38:00 The politician is a representative which is elected to make decisions for its country. But not trivial dilemmas such as, “Should I go nighthawking in trousers or skirt”, or “Would entheogen be more preferable to diacetyldighydromorphine on the way to the crematorium.” No. We’re referring to highly important decisions, important decisions such as “On ... More About: Learning , Politician
Cannibal Cookbook: Eyeball A-Bomb Cocktail
2008-04-17 17:01:00 The Eyeball A-Bomb is a mixture of vodka, ice, liqueurs and crushed human eyeballs. To get the freshest possible flavour, it is important to extract the eyeballs with a sharp knife, gouging the eyeballs from their respective sockets as quickly as possible. More About: Cocktail , A-Bomb , Cannibal
America vs Canada: The Flame War Fiasco
2008-04-17 15:45:00 London, ON — Panic and fear gripped the streets of Ontario today when news of hostilities between America n and Canadian journalists escalated into the bleak backdrop for global Internet war. What was initially nothing more than the exchange of mild pointless banter suddenly became a seething rage of volatile lunacy and it is this drama which ... More About: Canada , Fiasco , Flame
Learning Is Fun: The Psychic
2008-04-16 15:27:00 It has been a while since I have written something with a little substance in it, rather than write something with little substance(s) in me. I have popped a couple of painkillers which certainly doesn’t count, neither does the bottle of JD I swigged them both down with. In any case, this ... More About: Learning , Psychic
Sexual Advice Column: Hedonistic Homicide
2008-04-15 16:48:00 Contrary to varied opinions expressed by the conservative media, acts of homicide and manslaughter are becoming increasingly popular among couples, particularly those struggling against obesity and the ownership of satellite dishes. Over the course of this article, we’ll be showing you how to get the most of your relationship and sex life by flipping out completely, ... More About: Humor , Advice , Journalism , Column , Adult
Grodying: A Disturbing New Trend
2008-04-13 15:05:00 Report by Beatrix Vile It is no secret that over the years, delinquent children have always tried to hoodwink their parents into granting them time off school, mainly so that they can do something else that actually appeals to them. Such non-educational activities include loitering in supermarkets, shoplifting, sniffing glue and attacking the elderly for no bloody ... More About: News , Bizarre , Trend
Welsh Villager Duped By The Internet
2008-04-13 14:42:00 Pontrhydyrun, Wales — A local man has miraculously survived over eight consecutive heart attacks after being duped by get-rich-quick schemes on the Internet . Ll?r Naif, the 34 year old manager of “Naif & Sons Potato Warehouse”, decided to avoid marital strife by spending an entire evening on the Internet. But once logged on, ... More About: Welsh , Spicy , The Internet
Stop smoking, aide
2008-04-13 12:24:00 The land of Nod, Tues — Smokers everywhere were stunned yesterday at news that someone, somewhere, is unaware that vacuuming tobacco smoke into the farthest recesses of their tortured, abused lungs is bad for them. One thirty eight year old man, who refused to be named, said the ceaseless television, radio and newspaper advertisements ... More About: Smoking , Stop , Aide , Nazis
Brooklyn Wigga Causes Global War
2008-04-10 14:42:00 Brooklyn, NY — The once respected wigga community of Brooklyn stood together in an act of defiance today when one LL Cool Kazz recently launched an attack against Digg.com. The attack itself came in the form of a string of incomprehensible gibberish on MySpace. Once the post had made its way onto the Digg community itself, ... More About: Global , Brooklyn
Agrabah Business Crippled By Thieves
2008-04-10 11:09:00 A Market Stall, Agrabah — A market trader is about to close down business after a string of tactful crimes helped ruin his financial future. Imran Abdullah Usama Ali (colloquially known as “Crazy Imran”) was left distraught when a monkey, often used as a decoy, distracted him while some smelly urchin stole some watermelons. More About: Business
Night Spent Sober Bites Man In Ass
2008-04-09 17:28:00 La Crosse, WI — Local man Rory B. Bellows cursed his decision to spend a relaxing evening at home Tuesday night. His sobriety resulted in no forthcoming commitments and as such, he was forced to bail some idiot friend out of jail. Bellows, a known drunkard, claims that forgoing cocktails was only the ... More About: Night , Wisconsin , Sober
Standup Review: Gein Impersonator Becomes Smash Hit
2008-04-06 17:08:00 Las Vegas, NV — The cabaret circus of Las Vegas welcomed a new wave of innovative stand up comedy last night when a young Ed Gein impersonator took the entire city by storm. Justin Hermouth, a 25 year old mechanic from Death Valley, succeeded in attracting a large crowd with his impromptu cannibal sketches ... More About: Music , Reviews , Review , Impersonator , Smash
Formerly Amusing Satirist Goes Emo
2008-04-06 15:48:00 Newport, Wales — Experts have expressed concern that the global interwebs may be entering a lulz recession, following the revelation that a leading U.K. lulz-producer has descended into emofaggotry. According to reports, used-to-be-cool Welsh satirist Joseph Qelqoth has gone crawling back to a NewsCorp-owned social networking site he had previously renounced. More About: Amusing
Mr Bubbles on the Move
2008-04-06 15:44:00 Sydney, Australia — Local goldfish Mr. Bubbles has shrugged off rumours he just floats there looking lethargic by deciding to take the plunge and investigate the other side of the tank. Mr Bubbles stated that he had been thinking of investigating the other side of the tank for “a few seconds now”. “Well you know, ... More About: Cult , Move
Blogger Conference Attacks Satirical Bloggers
More articles from this author:2008-04-04 12:00:00 New York City, NY — During a recent conference at a prestigious venue in New York, some popular bloggers on MySpace convened to discuss matters that affected their mutual livelihood. Along with the annual performance rally (where regular cardholders discussed tips on increasing subscription figures), members gathered to address the problem of being satirised by British ... More About: Blogger , Bloggers , Attacks , Conference , Satirical 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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