Derek Smithers' BlogosphereDerek Smithers' BlogosphereMisadventures of a homicidal misanthrope. 
Articles
Scottsdale Infected With Testicular Virus
2008-04-03 11:55:00 Scottsdale, AZ — A full blown epidemic has rocked the once idyllic community of Scottsdale, leaving people in a state of manic anxiety while screaming “TESTICLES” at the top of their lungs. This disturbing phenomenon still remains inexplicable and as the number of infected citizens continues to rise, so does the number of women ... More About: Virus , Disease , Scottsdale , Infected
Picnic Table In Statutory Rape Scandal
2008-04-01 22:06:00 Bellevue, OH — A small community in Ohio has been at the centre of a statutory rape scandal when a forty year old man took advantage of some standard garden accessory. The case pertains to a middle aged man who according to statements, forced himself onto a picnic table in broad daylight. Yet trusted union ... More About: Scandal , Table , Rape , Picnic
Fetish Cult Leader In Vanilla Scandal
2008-03-28 23:54:00 Baltimore, MD — The bondage scene of Baltimore was stricken with outrage earlier today when Harold Reece, founder of ‘The Church of Sodom’ was caught masturbating to vanilla pornography. Reece, better known as ‘Lord Vengeance’, has always been a pillar of the fetish community although when discovered with a collection of semi-nude glamour videos, ... More About: Cult , Scandal , Fetish , Leader , Vanilla
Six Degrees of Qelqoth
2008-03-27 12:37:00 Dayton, OH — Jeffrey Ellis, author of satirical publication “The Stinker“, broke all laws of decency yesterday after launching a pre-emptive coup d’etat against the blogosphere. The attack itself came in the guise of a simple Internet meme where unsuspecting webloggers immediately fell victim to a schismatic discharge of online abuse. More About: Degrees , Six degrees
Addict Speaks Out After Nine Year Pac-Man Binge
2008-03-24 14:33:00 Frankfort, KY — Billy Joe Brackwurst, a former coin-op addict, waved goodbye to his troubled past as he took the first steps to rehabilitation earlier on this morning. The 32 year old father of seven (eight if you include the babysitter) had become so addicted to coin operated video games that he would ... More About: Video , News , Humour , Gaming , Space
Global Kredit Krunch Goes Primetime
2008-03-24 13:18:00 Wall Street, NYC — The International Monetary Fund has expanded beyond world domination and has finally moved into the dog-eat-dog breakfast cereal industry. Their debut offering, Global Kredit Krunch, contains bite-size pieces of actual repossessed houses, giving them, “the solid crunch consumers crave,” according to IMF spokesperson Lars Orphanblood. More About: Humour , Satire , Primetime
Vampire Babies Plague America
2008-03-20 12:37:00 Chicago, IL — Forget Al Qaeda, ignore the failing economy and just pretend that the whole Bush Administration never even happened. There?s a far more terrifying threat gripping the America n nation - vampiric embryos attacking their mothers from deep within the womb. More About: News , Humor , Yahoo , Babies
Brendon Urie In Backdoor Scandal
2008-03-18 20:09:00 London, England — Fans of alternative pop rock outfit, Panic At The Disco, were left “highly disgusted” after a recent accoustic performance in London went awry. While the repetitious blathering and crooning caused a great deal of exuberance, loyal fans could not focus on the concert, mainly as Brendon Urie kept expressing himself ... More About: News , Weird , Music , Entertainment , Performance
Comedy Actor Infuriated By Satire
2008-03-17 01:54:00 Montgomery County, MD — Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Chevy Chase, American actor and comedian, put his career to one side when he decided to visit a small town in Maryland named after him. On arrival, he booked into a hotel, connected his laptop to the Internet and read ... More About: News , Comedy , Weird , Humour , National
Welsh Farmer Captivated By Brick Wall
2008-03-16 23:14:00 Trellech, Wales — Villagers and tradesmen stood in astonishment yesterday as local farmer, Gwyn-Rhys Artichoke, became captivated by an ordinary brick wall, staring in bewilderment for almost seventeen hours. According to local sources, Artichoke was heading into the village with a sack of organic produce although once he noticed a load of bricks and ... More About: News , Weird , Idiots , Magic
Sexual Advice Column: Love and Marriage
2008-03-14 22:41:00 Dear ED-209, I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and although we are really happy together, I’m a bit concerned. Whenever we go out on the weekends, he will get very drunk and start groping other women. Most of the time, he is too drunk to remember what he is doing although he ... More About: Humour , Health , Advice , Marriage , Relationships
Astrological Predictions with Wolfman
2008-03-12 21:59:00 Towards the end of this week, a series of stars will shift out of place, inexplicably positioning themselves to form a pentagram. This will naturally perplex scientists and invoke a great deal of fear and irrational behaviour. It is also during this phase that Jupiter will move from its axis, slowly entering the ... More About: Predictions , Wolfman
Hangover Review - Cooper?s Sparkling Ale
2008-03-11 20:54:00 Cooper’s Sparkling Ale is a cruel temptress indeed. I?ve lost count of the times I?ve forgiven her abuses and welcomed her back, only to be left wrapped in a mate’s curtain without even so much as a note, feeling cheap and used. But my self-esteem is pretty much non-existent so I decided to go out ... More About: Humour , Reviews , Review , Satire , Cooper
Snore Wars: The Empire Strikes Out
2008-03-10 15:48:00 Sinus Meridiani, Mars — For thousands of years, The Martian Republican Federation has stood up to numerous terrorist attacks against the senate although until now, the origin of these attacks has always remained unclear. Yet when new evidence revealed the exact location of the rebel base, government officials were shocked to discover another horrifying ... More About: Science , News , Ford , Fiction
The ?Good Old Days? were actually pretty shit.
2008-03-08 14:51:00 A FILTHY JAIL, INDONESIA - The international drug mule community is calling for better pay and conditions after recent arrests highlighted the low prestige, high danger and laughable wages endemic in the industry. Despite being a vital link between third-world producers and horizontal mirrors at your uncle’s house, drug mule spokesman Xavier Masking-Tape claims ... More About: News , Humour , Drugs , Indonesia , Crime
The Cult of Qelqoth vs The Cult of Qelqoth
2008-03-08 01:37:00 London, England — Former illustrious online publication, The Cult of Qelqoth, was questioned earlier this morning when confronted with accusations of ill health and mental deterioration. The allegations suddenly became official after their recent string of outlandish behaviour on the blogosphere. Last weekend, reports showed increased signs of paranoia and schizophrenia, sparking a ... More About: News , Weird , London , Dance
Becoming A Popular MySpace Weblogger
2008-03-06 11:40:00 The following text has been abridged and translated from “Die Welt der Scheiße” (The World of The Shit) by Dr. Schwanz Erbrochenes, professor of journalism at the Berlin Beschrænker Academy for Higher Learning. Dr. Schwanz Erbrochenes still remains an important reference and guide for popular webloggers, particularly on the MySpace network. More About: Abuse , Advice , Skin , Diet
Workplace Slacker Goes Postal
2008-03-03 17:16:00 Franklin County, WA — Last Thursday, a disgruntled employee arranged for a friend to shoot him in the shoulder, simply so he could slack off from work. Although slacking is considered a mandatory pastime among workers, employers have started to recognise a growing trend in illegitimate slack, imposing new policies and leglislation to ... More About: News , Weird , Space , Office , Performance
Wolfman Reviews: The Monkey Page
2008-02-29 02:34:00 Unquestionably, The Monkey Page is a shining beacon of light for every other monkey page available on the Internet. Whether it be apes, monkeys or other simian beings, I am genuinely racked with fervour, gazing in awe at this mighty monkey monolith. Put it this way; whoever this Diana person is, she’s definitely ... More About: Science , Humor , Reviews , Food , Space
The Anti-Awards: Part Deux
2008-02-28 16:13:00 This is another one of those unscheduled intermissions. Routine brain washing will continue shortly. During this brief moment of clarity, all subscribers and site visitors are hereby notified to acknowledge those online publications which have continually pushed the boundaries of unconventional thought. More About: Awards , Part , Anti
Millions Enthralled By MySpace Photo Upload
2008-02-28 05:26:00 Seattle, WA — Eva Mills, self proclaimed “hAwTiE gUrL” and “sXy BiTcH” enthralled millions yesterday when she uploaded a brand new photo of her cleavage to her MySpace photo album. The nineteen year old model had previously announced a hiatus from the social networking website although once back online, she updated her online status ... More About: News , Humor , Photo , Seattle
Demonic Overlord Seeks Online Romance
2008-02-25 21:39:00 Trenton, NJ — Regular visitors to Parachat.com were bewildered this evening when Skeletor, Evil Lord of Destruction, approached chat room users in an effort to discover online romance. Skeletor, the demon warlord of Infinita, typed in various probing questions, namely “ne hot gurls on cam” and “horny gurls hit 123 if u wanna cyber.” More About: News , Weird , Humor , Romance , Online
Amish Community Praises Internet
2008-02-24 22:06:00 Lancaster County, PA — Since the late sixteenth century or thereabouts, the Amish and Mennonite tribes have long shunned fancy things like electricity. But in a remarkable turn of events, the plain dressed people of the land witnessed the dawn of a new era when they collectively relished the Internet for the very first ... More About: News , Religion , Weird , Humor
The Cult of Qelqoth vs The World
2008-02-22 01:05:00 Geneva, Switzerland — World leaders and conglomerates were summoned to an emergency meeting today, essentially to discuss the increasing threat of The Cult of Qelqoth and its respective plan for global domination. Since 2003, The Cult of Qelqoth has continued to harbour vehement opinions and dramatic irony, poising the world on the very brink ... More About: News , Politics , Liberals , Humor , Drama
Tyrannosaurus Claims Unemployment Benefit
2008-02-20 14:30:00 Fulham, London — In a seemingly unlikely scenario, a Tyrannosaurus tore off the roof to a South London Job Centre, snarling and growling at civil servants while waving his P45 around. The Tyrannosaurus, last seen during the Cretaceous period and on the production set of Jurassic Park III, began a tirade of growling abuse ... More About: News , Weird , Humor , Department
Home Alone: XXX Director?s Cut
2008-02-19 12:30:00 In this touching Christmas classic, Macaulay Culkin takes the role of Kevin McAllister, an eight year old brat who gets left behind at home when his family all depart for a vacation to France. Realising he is the only one at home, Kevin decides to host a little vacation of his own, compromising mainly ... More About: Jesus , Humor , Reviews , Fiction
Pensioner Disrupts Gay Party Scene
2008-02-16 02:33:00 Brighton, England — The Gay and Lesbian party scene of West Sussex experienced an evening of confusion this Thursday when an elderly man strolled into their midst, rambling on about the state of youth today. Jeff Wilson, an 82 year old pensioner of Hove, accidentally walked into a local gay bar to the ... More About: News , Humor , Reviews , Party , Drugs
NYC Hookers: The Winston Zeddemore Story
2008-02-15 00:17:00 New York City, NY — City officials recently unveiled a condom which has been designed to lower the risk of sexual infection with high class city prostitutes. According to reports from The Wall Street Hooker Journal, New York prostitutes offer the highest rate of infidelity and disease, making them second only to Bangkok. More About: News , Weird , Humor , Story , Tourism
Weblog Spotlight: Andrew Fanton
2008-02-13 15:28:00 TCOQ: Today, we are joined by Professor A. D. Fanton, acclaimed publisher of the Lord Likely chronicles and Professor of History at All Souls College, Oxford. Today, we will be examining the importance of change in society during the Victorian Era, 1837-1901. Professor Fanton; what do you believe to be the central ... More About: Interviews , Weblog , Britain , Misc
The Cult of Qelqoth vs The Blogosphere
More articles from this author:2008-02-12 05:23:00 The World — Earlier on this morning, The Cult of Qelqoth launched an excessively violent attack on the entire blogosphere after noticing a substantial lack of pro-active support from regular site visitors. Despite providing adverts of scantily clad women and invitations to join networks such as Humor -Blogs and Technorati, the majority of visitors preferred to just ... More About: News , April , Misc 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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