The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. Due to satire, sarcasm and naughty words, reader discretion is strongly advised. Articles
Chicago Blogger Drives Nation Wild
2008-02-11 02:48:00 Chicago, IL — It was an earth shattering moment at ‘The Assembly of Registered Diarists and Socialites’ this weekend when resident journalist, Lloyd Garrison, unveiled his latest project on cats, botany and married life. The very news of constant feline images and frequent articles on gardening tips drove convention goers to the brink of ... More About: Marketing , News , Humor , Blogger , Interviews
Weekend News Flashing
2008-02-09 16:24:00 Eastbourne, England — A former employee of the Tesco Group returned to the store he previously worked at, shocking ex-colleagues with his exposed penis. Allegedly, his intentions were purely to help promote free range products from an exclusive meat and veg range. Well, every little helps. More About: News , Humor , Crime , Sweden
Remote Control Terror
2008-02-08 13:27:00 Brisbane, Australia — A drunken civilian caused nationwide panic last year when he foolishly announced his intentions to decimate the Australian city…using nothing more than a generic remote control. Normally, DVD remote controls do not come equipped with a bomb explosion feature although police officers still acted on the amateur terrorist threat, declaring a state of ... More About: News , Humor , Terror , Remote Control
Operation Wazowski: The McCann Story
2008-02-07 10:50:00 The Algarve, Portugal — Detectives investigating the disappearance of Madeleine McCann have uncovered shocking new evidence which could help track down the missing girl and hopefully, give the media something else to prattle on about. After watching Monsters Inc. on the Disney Channel, detectives immediately became inspired, acting on some irrational impulse to open every closet ... More About: News , Humor , Story , Misc
Fan Fiction: Misadventures of My Little Pony
2008-02-05 01:04:00 Snow Flake was the most beautiful of all ponies in all of Dream Castle. One day, she was galloping through the Rainbow Forest, her hair smelling like sweet strawberries and cream. All of the other ponies loved Snow Flake although none more than Sugar Plum, a lonely unicorn. Sugar Plum watched Snow Flake achingly ... More About: Humor , Cosmetic , Fiction , Misc , Bizarre
Reader Submission: Big Ron?s Discovery
2008-02-04 06:06:00 Sydney, AU — An arts student at some university in Syndey has shaken the religious world to the core by unexpectantly discovering the fundamental truth of the universe. Big Ron, 29, says he found The Truth while attempting to scrounge change towards a bus ride to his mate’s place and said that he really ... More About: News , Humor , Australia , Universe
Greatest Trainwreck Ever
2008-02-02 13:43:00 London, England — The results of an independant survey have been issued to various news sources, stating that the most popular celebrity trainwreck of all time is Amy Winehouse. Excluding the United Kingdom and North America , there are literally thousands of people worldwide who just can’t get enough of Amy’s crack smoking shenanigans. More About: News , Humor , Entertainment
Forum of Qelqoth
2008-02-02 02:06:00 United Kingdom — Back in 2003, The Cult of Qelqoth began as an online journal for the popular social networking website, MySpace. The author, Douglas Quaid, originally stated that slacking off by writing fake news seemed to be the most productive method of whittling away at his own mortality. More About: News , Humor , Misc , Satire
Touring the United Kingdom
2008-02-01 07:11:00 Abridged from ‘Your Dependable Guide to The United Kingdom ’ Thank you and welcome to the United Kingdom ! Most tourists choose to travel by air as this avoids the polluted waters of our great nation. If you are not suicidal and do wish to travel by air, then your terminal will be situated at Heathrow ... More About: Advice , Travel , Tourism
Tragedy of Citizen Kane
2008-01-30 17:34:00 Copenhagen, Denmark — Film enthusiasts were left astonished and in a state of sudden confusion when the results of a scientific experiment proved that Citizen Kane is no longer the greatest motion picture of all time. More About: Science , News , Humor , Research , Films
Video Game Inspires Restaurateur
2008-01-30 12:37:00 Great Milton, England — Raymond Blanc, the world famous restaurateur, said in a press conference yesterday that he knew nothing about cookery and was only interested in becoming a famous chef after his addiction to PlayStation game, ‘Parappa the Rapper’. More About: Video , News , Humor , Cooking , France
Sexual Advice Column: Dicking Virginia
2008-01-29 17:20:00 The Internets, Earth — According to some pretentious online experts, having a successful website means relevant content updated daily. It doesn’t matter whether you’re paying for hosting or if you are using a hideous Blogger.com layout, your site will never stand apart from the competition unless it is sparkling clean with a loving touch ... More About: Humor , Advice , Misc , Search , Satire
League of Violent Gentlemen
2008-01-28 06:26:00 Newport, Wales — While London eagerly prepares for the Olympic Games of 2012, other countries and districts from within the United Kingdom are also displaying an incredible level of sportsmanship. From the National League of Football Violence to Big Brother Teenage Pregancy, it is clear that Britain is well on course to securing a ... More About: Violent , Gentlemen
Fish Sticks in Zombie Town
2008-01-25 13:19:00 London, England — To promote healthier seafood from an Alaskan fishery, representatives created a huge impact when pushing their ideologies onto Members of Parliament. This was accomplished by constructing a fish finger so ridiculously large, that it would be almost impossible to place it between two regular slices of bread. More About: Hollywood , News , Fun , Humor , Culture
Revenge of The Jedi
2008-01-22 12:52:00 Holyhead, Wales — Some of you may recall that back in 2001, The UK Census was amended so that it included the religion of “Jedi Knight”. This addition to the UK Census was petitioned by a few people who found a deep, spiritual significance in robots, glowing swords and all that wacky alien stuff. More About: News , Politics , Religion , Humor , Wars
Web Review: Karnautrahl
2008-01-21 22:03:00 Karnautrahl is a mechaphile. Mechaphiles love machinery. Engines, exhaust pipes, valves, gears, cogs…they even love the taste of axle grease. In fact, everything right down to the nuts and bolts that hold their dream machines in place. However, mechaphiles demonstrate their love of machinery in a slightly different way from the ... More About: Reviews , Lexus , Lamborghini , Alternative , Review
The Order of Culkin
2008-01-20 14:59:00 When choosing a non-denominational cult, I feel it is important to be open minded in your approach, to religious sects and weird paraphilias alike. Sometimes, combining the two can open our minds to a whole new dimension of sexual liberation and spiritual awakening and by choosing correctly, it is possible to harness all of ... More About: News , Religion , Humor , Party , Interviews
Guest Post: Prisoner Hell Block H
2008-01-19 14:41:00 SLASHY WINS RIGHT TO RUN H-DIVISION Melbourne, AU — Late-surging candidate Slashy Foster has stunned commentators, taking out the February by-slaughter to win the right to run H-Division. Citing his tough policy on ‘bitching out the new fish’ as a major factor in the victory, Mr Foster told News of The World that he ... More About: Politics , Humor , Australia
Virginia Penis Outrage
2008-01-16 19:02:00 Richmond, VA — Citizens of The Old Dominion were left shocked yesterday after a new bill was introduced, deeming all motor vehicles sporting any form of male genitalia to be castrated. Failure to do so may result in a penalty for indecent exposure. More About: News , Politics , America , Weird , Humor
Burqa Britney
2008-01-13 21:52:00 Los Angeles, CA — Oops, she’s done it again. According to a recent report by MonstersAndCritics.com, Britney Spears is on track to a third marriage and also, a potential conversion to Islam . Oh, the humanity of it all. More About: News , Marriage , Celebrity , Drugs
The Pit of Darkness
2008-01-13 20:08:00 Merthyr Tydfil, UK — Ramblers were astonished to discover that a cosmic hole spanning 20m in diameter appeared out of nowhere for no reason whatsoever. The supernatural discovery, which is approximately ten meters in depth, shocked the otherwise idyllic mining community of Heol Gerrig. More About: News , Jokes , Humor , Satan , Misc
THE FURY OF CAPS LOCK
2008-01-13 01:05:00 Jacksonville, FL — Reliable online news source, The Cult of Qelqoth, was verbally assaulted yesterday when a conservative bible thumper couldn’t take a joke. The vicious attack lasted approximately ten minutes, leaving web master Joseph in a terminal state of, “oh noes, we got teh serv3d!” More About: News , Humor , Satan , Assault , Satire
Microwaves and Satan
2008-01-10 01:48:00 Hayden, ID — A young man suffering from demonic possession - along with bearing the mark of Satan - used a circular saw to sever the blasphemous limb from his own body. Once the unorthodox exorcism had taken place, he then took his severed hand, cooking it in a microwave on full power. More About: Hollywood , News , Bible , Misc
The Comfy Chair Fiasco
2008-01-09 15:32:00 Manhattan, NY — Two men were arrested on Tuesday after wheeling a dead man through an office block in one of those really cool swivel chairs. The chair itself was of management status and was alleged to be equipped with a wi-fi hub, a drinks cooler and a hard drive brimming with all sorts ... More About: News , Humor , Fraud , Misc , Satire
The Cult of Qelqoth Anti-Awards
2008-01-09 11:41:00 This is an unscheduled intermission. Routine brain washing will continue shortly. During this brief moment of clarity, all subscribers and site visitors are hereby notified to acknowledge those online publications which have continually pushed the boundaries of unconventional thought. More About: Awards , Misc , Cult , Blog , Brain
New York: Realm of the Gods
2008-01-08 02:56:00 Salt Lake City, UT — The Utah Department of Corrections is facing a federal lawsuit from a convicted criminal who has been refused the right to practise the spiritually unorthodox teachings of Asatru. Michael Polk, arrested for assault and robbery in December last year, stated that the teachings of Asatru require him access to ... More About: News , Google , Weird , Humor , New York
Upper Palaeolithic Emo Bloggers
2008-01-07 17:26:00 Despite what many people choose to believe, blogging has existed long before the dawn of the Internet. The earliest examples of which date back to the Upper Palaeolithic period and these accounts include the works of our primitive ancestors, namely their respective cave drawings. More About: History , Misc , Satire , Bloggers , Journals
Guest Review: Normal Bob Smith
2008-01-05 17:49:00 I want to share a website that has given me many hours of amusement. It is 100% religiously inappropriate and has offended a great number of people. If you are one of those religiously right people with a stick up your ass, this is not a site that you should be visiting. The website that ... More About: Religion , Humor , Reviews , Review , Bizarre
Revolutionary Science Grips China
2008-01-04 02:29:00 China – A national celebration took place today after governmental research unveiled a new cure for impotency and erectile dysfunction. The genetic engineering technique, known simply as “unicornholing”, involves grafting a phallic object onto the skull which patients can then use for the purpose of improving sexual congress. More About: Science , News , Humor , Life , Medical
Pterodactyls Invade United States
More articles from this author:2008-01-02 02:11:00 Wenatchee, WA ? Despite being extinct for over 65 million years, a prehistoric race of Pterodactyls have risen from the dead, intent on attacking motorists for no good reason. Unfortunately, being assaulted by a prehistoric creature is not covered by a fully comprehensive car insurance policy. So in the event that a ... More About: News , Humor , United States , Entertainment , Writing 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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