The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. Due to satire, sarcasm and naughty words, reader discretion is strongly advised. Articles
Guest Post: A Drug Against War
2007-12-31 14:08:00 Corpus Christy, TX — An unidentified male was spotted holding a sign calling for “A Drug Against War”. The man claims to have figured out a way to end all war and stated that although marijuana, LSD and Angel Dust did not assist humans in war, a new drug might. More About: News , Humor , Space , History , Drugs
Guest Post: 2008 Celebrity Predictions
2007-12-31 12:38:00 Hi people. Derek “Wolfman” Smithers here, guest columist for The Cult of Qelqoth. In my spare time, I enjoy spanking the monkey over Seven of Nine from Star Trek. Boy, she could assimilate me any day. I also like dressing up as Yuffie from Final Fantasy VII ... More About: Hollywood , News , Politics , Television , Humor
The Night Santa Went Crazy
2007-12-23 18:48:00 The Cult of Qelqoth is officially closed for the remainder of the festive period. We will be back after the new year but until then, thanks to all our visitors for helping to support this website and best wishes for 2008. On a final note, here is a fan made music video for ... More About: Christmas , Weird , Humor , Music , Amazon
Violence in the Blogosphere
2007-12-22 13:29:00 Mountain View, CA — Internet users have become increasingly concerned about the level of violence, drug abuse and hedonistic activity which has taken the blogosphere by storm. According to Google Trends, simply owning an online journal is not good enough anymore. Many troubled blog owners are turning to other vices, simply to feel ... More About: Christmas , Humor , Life , Blogosphere , Violence
Terrorists? You?re screwed.
2007-12-22 02:34:00 Kunming, China — When your country is threatened by terrorists intent on using aggressive ideologies to undermine your economic status, what do you do? You take a few bricks and smash them over your head, of course. This is the new military stratagem currently being implemented by both Indian and Chinese soldiers based ... More About: Politics , America , Terrorism , Life , Government
Thine Yuletide Log of Wonder
2007-12-20 16:07:00 The following composition was originally written by myself as a festive carol for St. Anne’s Church , Rogerstone. Although I did enjoy coming among the congregation, particularly to hear the very apt organist, I was subsequently banned from reciting euphemistic prose in public. Hopefully, you will all enjoy it a bit more than ... More About: Christmas , Humor , Poetry , Winter
GlitterGimp: The Final Solution
2007-12-19 17:15:00 New York, USA — According to a sponsored governmental survey, the number of young adults using free blog hosting services to post nothing of any importance has increased exponentially over the last three years. With a significant rise in the distribution of images (namely kittens, fairies and other glittery shit), search engines are already working on ... More About: Internet , Safari , Images , Satire , Stumble
Santa?s Festive Mailbox
2007-12-19 03:51:00 Ottawa, Canada — According to inaccurate news sources, the following correspondence was alleged to have taken place between a designated third party representative of The Lapland Work House Program and Canadian charity, “Write To Santa ”. But after examining both parties and their respective communications (evidence of which is detailed below), we are choosing to believe otherwise. ... More About: Humor , Gifts , Bizarre
Risk Assessment and Prostitution
2007-12-17 03:59:00 South Korea — Scientists have successfully cloned a cat with a florescent protein gene, causing it to glow red in ultra violet light. Although various news sources speculate that the luminescent feline could help identify abnormal health conditions, we believe that the global sex industry, particularly prostitution, can also benefit from this scientific breakthrough. More About: Humor , Holiday , Satire , Prostitution , Adult
R.I.P 1980-1989
2007-12-15 09:44:00 I’m a child of 80s Britain and proud of it. I get the feeling that the world left me way behind but you know, I just don’t care. The way I see it, 80s entertainment in Britain far exceeded any of the regurgitated talent show trash that is infecting every single one of ... More About: Humour , Kids , Satire , Mary
The Big Ribbed Whopper
2007-12-10 16:22:00 Rutland, NY — Fast food franchise giant, Burger King, trialed a new product at their Rutland branch back in June - The Big Ribbed Whopper. This product may soon be hitting the grill in an effort to promote safer sex alongside the mouth watering flavour that many of us have all come to love. Based ... More About: Family , Food , Restaurants , Planning , Bizarre
Mondo Trasho
2007-12-08 16:45:00 John Waters never gave birth to trash cinema but since his film production début in 1964, he certainly became one of the pioneers of this art form. In 1969, Waters produced his first ever full-length feature film, ?Mondo Trasho? which because an immediate cult classic. But during production, Waters was faced with legal action due ... More About: Humor , Life , Cinema , Pink , Films
Sexual Advice Column: Furry Rejects
2007-12-05 01:34:00 Today, we received a deeply harrowing email from a young man who has been denounced by his religious family circle in order for them to maintain the status quo on what they deem as suitable sexual practice. Please take your time to empathise with the plight of this young man: More About: Religion , Humor , Advice , Marriage , Bears
Chris Crocker Motivational Poster
2007-12-02 16:45:00 (clicking image above will load full size image in a new window) More About: Pictures , Humor , Drama , Images , Satire
Celebrity Suicides Gone Wrong
2007-12-01 10:57:00 There is a lot of stigma surrounding suicide, with clinically depressed teenagers fitting the top of the bill. But suicide, when performed correctly, can become an art form, a visual array of beauty for all to admire. Maddox addressed this quite clearly when he posted his users guide, “How to kill yourself like ... More About: Humor , Celebrity , Satire , Adult , Cocaine
Tim Allen Must Die
2007-11-27 17:18:00 Every Christmas , we’re treated to a handful of festive movies. Some of these gimmicks can be mildly entertaining although the vast majority of them are not. In fact, most of these festive fuck ups are a direct contribution from casting the epitome of bad festive movies, Tim Allen. Since his heyday of Home Improvement, Tim has ... More About: Satan , Films , Satire
DVD Review: Big Trouble in Little Vagina
2007-10-02 00:00:00 Along with my varied selection of birthday gifts this year, my spouse provided me with something I had been requesting for some time - the collector's edition of 'Big Trouble in Litt le China'. Three months ago, she finally submitted to my persistant demands and agreed to purchase this Kurt Russell classic, ... More About: Review , Vagina
Final Rape Fantasy IX: Red Rose Orgy
2007-09-25 00:00:00 As civilians ran for their lives through the dangers of the mist, Zidane, Beatrix and Steiner climbed aboard the Red Rose to prepare for battle. Upon boarding the airship, they met up with Vivi who was writhing about on deck, screaming out in excruciating pain. Zidane rushed forward ... More About: Fantasy , Final , Rape , Fina
Sexual Advice Column: Getting Emotive with Automotives
2007-09-21 00:00:00 Jesus H Christ! I feel sorry for my British readers, I really do. The whole universe of euphemisms and Anglo-Saxon English to Yankee-Doodle Bastardisation is really going to get someone killed one of these days. For instance, what we call car exhausts, Americans call tailpipes. And what we refer to ... More About: Advice , Column , Sexual , Tomo
Musical Travesty: Status Quo
2007-09-21 00:00:00 The term "Status Quo" refers to the present, current existing state of affairs. In accordance with this, the phrase, "keeping the status quo" implies the assurance that affairs today are what they were before. So some forty-five years later, you would expect Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi to be producing ... More About: Musical , Status Quo , Traves , Aves
Olympic Street Fisting: The Vaginal Warriors
2007-09-13 00:00:00 It has become abundantly clear to the public that the Labour Party is in dire need of reformation, if only to throw off the tired shackles associated with Tony Blair's government. Should Gordon Brown wish to succeed where his predecessor has evidentally failed, he will need to cut his budget for ... More About: Olympic , Street , Warriors , Vagina , Warrior
Abridged from Lack of Air Supply
2007-09-13 00:00:00 Revised Lyrics I'm lying alone, fellating my bone, I'm sucking that junk 'till it hurts. You know it hurts too but what else can we do when we are so far apart? I wish I could blow a thick load on your face But I'm choking real hard on my choad It would make me believe that ... More About: Air Supply , Lack
Cannibal Cookbook: Ddynol Cawl
2007-09-13 00:00:00 Ddynol Cawl is a traditional Welsh meal which roughly translates as "Human Broth". This recipe originates from pre-mediaeval times when the main utensil for household cannibalism was a large cauldron. The hearty broth is really more of a stew and is a satisfying meal on its own or More About: Cannibal , Cookbook
World News Roundup
2007-09-07 00:00:00 Thailand - Infidelity causes Thai housewife to lose control, chop off the penis of her unfaithful husband and run away with her prize 'trophy'. Speculation has arisen on the subject of the dismembered member and whether or not the deranged ex-wife will More About: News , World , Roundup , World News
Homicide 101: The Office
2007-08-30 00:00:00 The dog-eat-dog world of international business and finance can be a daunting place for most employees. In order to continually maintain quotas while retaining a sense of dignity and loyalty in the workforce, one must always use initiative. With the aid of my three-step guide, I can assure you nothing ... More About: Office , The Office , Homicide , Cide , The O
Vintage Vicar: Faith and Ebonics
2007-08-24 00:00:00 Sept 12th 2006 These days, it is becoming even more vexatious to spread salvation and unite the younger members of society. With so many fertile minds turning to ?gangsta rap? for answers, it is something of a chore to become a pillar of salt in a world which is literally falling ... More About: Faith , Vintage
Giant Penis Circus Sex Outlawed
2007-08-24 00:00:00 The government has decided to enforce new working regulations to help reduce health and safety accidents at travelling freak shows. Following an accident in Edinburgh involving a dwarf, a vacuum cleaner and some superglue, the government insists that all circus members attempting to operate heavy machinery are to wear More About: Giant , Penis , Circus
Alternative Ghostbusters Ending
2007-08-18 00:00:00 With the Semen-Stuffed Marshmallow Man decimating the city of Manhattan, the paranormal experts stand atop the Ivo Shandor building, preparing to face the unholy wrath of Gozer. "I've got a plan," says Spengler, using his personal collection of More About: Alternative , Ending , Alter , Ghostbusters , Native
Reader Submission: Qelqoth Rape Fantasy
2007-08-17 00:00:00 My Reverend Qelqoth fantasy would begin with me inviting him over for a few drinks over at my house. I would dress up in a Boy Scout uniform, waiting eagerly for my rape victim to arrive. When he comes into my home, he witnesses me bent over in the corner as ... More About: Fantasy , Reader , Submission , Rape , Missi
Cannibalism Classics: The Green Butchers
More articles from this author:2007-08-15 00:00:00 (Grřnne slagtere, De) The Green Butchers Directed by Anders Thomas Jensen [2003] (REGION 1) (NTSC) Subtitled in English Svend and Bjarne are employed by a butcher in a small Danish town. Fed up of being manipulated and shoved around by their tyrannical boss, the two friends decide to start their own organic butcher shop. ... More About: Classics , Cannibal , Cannibalism , The G 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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