The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. Due to satire, sarcasm and naughty words, reader discretion is strongly advised. Articles
Tayto Withdraw Smegma Following Parental Outrage
2007-08-09 00:00:00 United Kingdom - Following complaints from conservative parents, Tayto have finally issued a product recall on smegma flavoured snacks and products. The most popular product to be pulled from store shelves is "Bob's Cheesy Tool Bag", a snack aimed specifically at young children who enjoy the More About: Draw , Parent , Pare
Final Fantasy VII: Spin-Off Concepts
2007-08-03 00:00:00 Below, I've compiled a short list of proposed concepts for Final Fantasy VII spin-off video games. These are ideas put together by fans, for the fans. Hopefully, Square Enix will take these concepts seriously and start working on these planned proposals instead of delivering feeble DVDs with More About: Concepts , Final Fantasy , Spin
Reader Submission: Jolly Judd?s Rape Fantasy
2007-08-03 00:00:00 My Rape Fantasy : By Jolly Judd Quite often, I think about what my ultimate rape fantasy would be. When I think of fulfilling my wildest sexual desires, I think I would prefer an initial situation of anonymity followed by a great surprise. My ultimate rape fantasy would be to come home from ... More About: Reader , Submission
Chicken Fever: The Matt Damon Story
2007-07-28 00:00:00 Painesville, Ohio - An American judge, known for dispensing unusual sentences, took an unorthodox approach to punishing three men convicted of soliciting sex with a live chicken. The convicted poultry lovers were ordered to dress up in a bright yellow chicken costume while holding a sign stating, "No Chicken ... More About: Story , Matt , Matt Damon , Fever
Caring for the dead in Wisconsin
2007-07-28 00:00:00 If you are planning on the authentic Ed Gein Aventure Holiday this year, the only genuine place to go is Wisconsin . After seeing an obituary photo in the local press, three male residents of Wisconsin dug up the corpse of a young women, purely for the purpose of sexual gratification. ... More About: Dead , Cons , The D
Visions Inside Terri Schiavo?s Head
2007-07-27 00:00:00 Visions Inside Terri Schiavo's Head A short poem by Rev. Joseph Qelqoth Terri lives in a distant, far away land where she smells the wildest flowers and she sees the magical rainbows in the sky. She doesn't need her respirator, she doesn't cling onto her feeding tube. She's making sweet, ... More About: Visions , Chia
Sexual Advice Column: Plushophiles
2007-07-24 00:00:00 Plushophiles are very much likened to their Furry counterparts. But where Furries are more inclined to dress up as anthropomorphic animals, Plushophiles are more emotionally, and often physically, attached to stuffed toy animals. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for the average Plushophile to interact sexually with their stuffed toy collection ... More About: Advice , Column , Sexual , Plush
Sexual Advice Column: Furry Love
2007-07-23 00:00:00 We get our fair share of teenagers asking for advice with difficult relationships and sexual anxiety which statistically speaking, is the most common example of support requests we receive. But expanding on that further, one thing which we seldom receive are letters from men and women who enjoy dressing up as ... More About: Advice , Love , Column , Sexual , Furry
Barry Island Pleasure Park
2007-07-21 00:00:00 Thanks to the sheer incompetency of the Metropolitan Office, my holiday was ruined. I posted the start of these miserable events on MySpace - please click on the link below if you are at all interested: http://blog.myspace.com/qelqoth Anyhow, with the rain becoming an increasing problem, we opted to visit Barry Island ... More About: Park , Sure , Pleasure
Summer Food: Tex-Mex Burgers
2007-07-15 00:00:00 Ingredients 600g human belly (minced) 1 table spoon light oil 1 onion, finely chopped 1 green pepper, finely chopped 2 tea spoons chili powder Pinch of salt 150g grated cheese (Monterey Jack if you can find it, otherwise use Cheddar) 4 burger buns -- Preparation and Serving First, extract the flesh from an unwilling volunteer. The moistness and texture of ... More About: Food , Summer , Burgers , Tex-Mex , Urge
Adolescent Bovine Worship: The Jenna Jameson Story
2007-07-08 00:00:00 Skipwith - Country ramblers in North Yorkshire were shocked to discover an adolescent male sodomising a cow on a local farm. The young male yet to be identified, escaped during mid-coitus and has not been seen since. A specialist breeder suspects that Blondie, the friendliest of the three rare longhorns, ... More About: Story , Jenna Jameson , Worship , James , Jenna
Vintage Vicar: Homeless Shelter Proposal
2007-07-06 00:00:00 It had been the start of a most eventful week. On Monday, I attended a meeting with the City Planning Department to discuss the ramifications of setting up a new homeless shelter. However, things did not go exactly as I initially intended to. Apparently, the board of directors did not agree ... More About: Proposal , Vintage , Homeless , Shelter , Prop
Snuff Analytics: Anal Whores From Outer Space
2007-07-06 00:00:00 While Philip Kaufman enthralled cinema lovers with his 1978 classic, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Danish snuff director, Frans Kiersted, was actually snatching dead bodies for his science fiction musical, Anal Whores From Outer Space . Shot entirely on location at the Amalienborg Castle in Copenhagen, this extraterrestrial homage to More About: Analytics
Vintage Vicar: Career Guidance Workshop
2007-07-06 00:00:00 April 18th 2003 St. Basil?s Comprehensive School was by no means modest in its character. Idyllic willow trees lined the gravel road which led up to the municipal building itself, the willows swaying in the light summer breeze. Of course, the enchanting effects of the home made LSD I had taken ... More About: Workshop , Vintage , Career , Guid
Dreamscape: Flesh Eating Cheerleaders
2007-06-30 00:00:00 Lately, my dreamscapes have been plagued by horrific visions, some of which may well signify the collapse of rational consciousness and the subsequent decent into eternal despair. I need to tell you all before I am driven mad - Paris Hilton has started invading my dreams. It all started about a ... More About: Cheerleaders , Eating , Lead , Scape , Cheerleader
Obituaries: Bernard Manning
2007-06-30 00:00:00 Controversial British comedian, Bernard Manning , died on the 18th June 2007. He was 76. Manning was best known for attacks on ethnic minorities during his stand-up performances although it wasn't until the late 1970's where he began a full scale assault on More About: Obituaries
The Cult of Google
2007-06-24 00:00:00 Following my profitable venture with internet marketing (which you can read all about in my two recent blog posts), I wanted to relax for the afternoon and see if I can dig up some interesting material on Googl e Image Search. So I trawled Google for my name. These ... More About: Cult , The Cult
Brutal Marketing: Advanced Brand Awareness
2007-06-24 00:00:00 "People love chopping wood. In this activity, one immediately sees results." ~Albert Einstien Albert Einstein was only 21 when his first scientific work, "Conclusions Drawn from the Phenomena of Capillarity" was published. The quote above has been used in marketing to discuss the importance of brand awareness and even more More About: Marketing , Awareness , Brand , Mark , Brut
Brutal Marketing: Creating Brand Awareness
2007-06-24 00:00:00 All websites require traffic in order for them to expand. Therefore, it is vital to create public awareness of a specific brand in order to maximise recognition. Sometimes though, this is easier said than done. A successful brand awareness stratagem should fully define singularity and thus, set ... More About: Marketing , Creating , Awareness , Brand , Mark
Vintage Vicar: Armageddon at the Golden Gate Palace
2007-06-21 00:00:00 23rd October 2004 As a first impression, the Golden Gate Pala ce appeared to be a high class restaurant which really complimented the scenic backdrop of our village. Between the damp rot that engulfed the peeling wallpaper, right down to the slew of dead rats, I felt a certain charm which you ... More About: Vintage , Armageddon
Celebrity Violence: The Nicky Hilton Story
2007-06-21 00:00:00 Despite public opinion, being a celebrity means much more than a pretty face lined up for the next money shot. It can also be a career. But sometimes, it's hard work for these underage harlots and we've gone to great lengths to show you how important it is for kids ... More About: Celebrity , Story , Nicky Hilton , Hilton , Violence
Satanic Rites: The Cliff Richard Story
2007-06-17 00:00:00 Although a very misunderstood man, Sir Cliff Richard has been through some dramatic changes in his careeer. With his backing band The Shadows, Richard dominated the British music scene in the late 1950s and early 1960s, during the time of The Beatles and their rise to international stardom. To ... More About: Story , Satanic
Vintage Vicar: Farmer Ralph?s Sacred Stool Sample
2007-06-17 00:00:00 January 5th 2006 When I checked into the Dog and Duck this evening, I presumed I would be purchasing the usual pitcher of cider and getting Nancy to unleash her monstrous assets as per usual. Just like clockwork, the local art students took it in turns to capture her inner beauty, even ... More About: Vintage , Farm , Farmer , Sample , Sacred
Home Alone: XXX Director?s Cut
2007-06-17 00:00:00 In this 1990 Christmas classic, Macaulay Culkin takes the role of Kevin McAllister, an eight year old kid who gets left behind at home when his family all depart for a vacation to France. Realising he is the only one at home, Kevin decides to host a little vacation of ... More About: Home , Lone , Alone , Director , Dire
Web Review: The Cult of Qelqoth
2007-06-13 00:00:00 There are people out there on the Internet that write blogs. But not all of them are mentally impaired. Some of them write reviews as well. One such site that caters to the reviewing of weblogs is IReview Blogs.Com, which does pretty much what it says on the ... More About: Cult , The Cult
Social Service Redemption Centre: Day One
2007-06-13 00:00:00 August 19th 2004 Upon initial inspection, the Social Service Redemption Centre was a desolate structure, housing society's poor waifs and strays. With no home, friends or family, this establishment was all that stood between them and the miserable streets of Newcastle. It was a good thing then, that I had come ... More About: Vice
Social Service Redemption Centre: Day Two
2007-06-13 00:00:00 August 20th 2004 Most of the young people had assembled in the communal lounge to smoke cigarettes while basking in the hypnotic glow of Richard and Judy. Hardly a suitable activity for the minds of tomorrow, I thought to myself. So I flicked off the televsion and brought forth the Holy Bible, ... More About: Social , Service , Redemption , Centre , Vice
Fun with Google
2007-06-11 00:00:00 Over the past months, we have enjoyed all manner of visitors participating on the blogosphere. But we really crave those unheard people, those people trawling Googl e who inadvertently, end up here. And they do indeed search for the finer things in life as we can observe:
H5N1 Delirium: An Interview with Deirdre Hutton
2007-06-11 00:00:00 Despite outrage from the ELDR, Bernard Matthews begins phase one of its greatest operation with pride. The company has been actively preparing workers for the mass slaughter and copulation of infected livestock following the scandal of the H5N1 virus earlier this month. The diseased creatures will be routinely transported to ... More About: Interview , Deir , Delirium , Deli , Hutton
H5N1 Delirium: An Interview with Bernard Manning
More articles from this author:2007-06-11 00:00:00 Hungarian officials insist that there is no conclusive evidence to prove that the bird flu outbreak in England was caused by poultry infected with sexually transmitted diseases. However, Hungary?s deputy chief vet told us that he still believed that wild birds might have carried the virus to the UK. The cause ... More About: Interview , Bernard , Manning , Delirium , Deli 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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