The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. Due to satire, sarcasm and naughty words, reader discretion is strongly advised. Articles
Mystery of the McVishnu Burger: Part Two
2007-06-11 00:00:00 November 15th 2005 ?The good Lord works in mysterious ways.? Vorne and myself mutually decided that if we were to take what we wanted from society, we should at least give something back in return. But even after eight hours of sodomising an amputated street beggar, the townsfolk were still reluctant to ... More About: Burger , Mystery , Part , Myst , Vish
Mystery of the McVishnu Burger: Part One
2007-06-11 00:00:00 November 14th 2005 I was not sure what drew me to India. Maybe the misconceptions surrounding the Bhagavad Gita. Sure, the church council insisted they were nothing but towel headed stick insects, parasites which leeched on, infecting our minds with heathen propaganda. But perhaps there would some good to come out ... More About: Burger , Mystery , Part , Myst , Vish
The Tokyo Diaries: Day Three
2007-06-11 00:00:00 August 5th 2004 Following the events in downtown Kabukicho, I opted to observe the fundamental ethos of traditional family values in Japan. You see, machines that dispensed soiled panties and dildos were, lets say, somewhat excessive for the day which I had planned and I was in need of more simple ... More About: Tokyo , Aries , Three , Diaries , Diari
The Tokyo Diaries: Day Two
2007-06-11 00:00:00 August 4th 2004 I should probably disclose the events that took place at the karaoke bar which me and Tamiko (a young woman I met last night) visited last night. This was in downtown Kabukicho, a district crammed with nightlife and many wild, unchained animals. On arrival, we noticed the flamboyant glow ... More About: Tokyo , Aries , Diaries , Diari
The Tokyo Diaries: Day One
2007-06-11 00:00:00 August 3rd 2004 Tokyo was a true testament to the ingenuity of man. On arrival, I had noticed a array of neon lights which served only to induce epileptic seizures. These fantastic inventions coupled with strange billboards coated the walls of every man-made structure in sight. Everywhere I turned, there were ... More About: Aries , Diaries , Diari
Snuff Analytics: Undead Papal Pussy
2007-06-11 00:00:00 Produced in 1980, this European masterpiece from Danish director Frans Kiersted has been no stranger to criticism. First released to the British public in March 1982, a series of tabloid newspapers immediately went for the jugular, demanding it to be withdrawn from the conservative public eye. Voice of Freedom (a right ... More About: Analytics , Puss , Pussy , Anal
Snuff Analytics: Exhumieren Sie und Eifrig
2007-06-07 00:00:00 Exhumieren Sie und Eifrig (Exhumed and Eager) Directed in 1971 by Polish art student, Fredrick Jansen, this cinematic beauty is by far one of the most visually stimulating works to have come out of Germany. Following the Holocaust, Jansen wound up in East Berlin under the protective eye of his new adoptive ... More About: Analytics , Anal
Political Review: Margaret Thatcher
2007-06-07 00:00:00 Margaret That cher is a strengthened, yet aromatic entree with a sweetened aftertaste which comes only from years of backlash from the coal mining industry. While we watch modern day politicians attempt to pick up from where she had left off, one can only be spellbound by the revitalisation process Thatcher initially ... More About: Political , Review , Hatcher
Vintage Vicar: Animal Bloodbath
2007-06-07 00:00:00 July 3rd 2002 Upon arrival at St. Mary?s Orphanage, I knew Sister Rosemary Clarence would be most desirous of my presence, especially as I was kitted out in a full leather codpiece and matching clown mask. I took initiative of the situation, choking her to within an inch of her life using ... More About: Animal , Vintage , Al B , Bloodbath
War Diaries of Grandfather Albert
2007-06-04 00:00:00 Battalion of Innuendo Feburary 23rd 1940 It was my first day on the field and I was already called forward to get my provisions out and start pitching my tent with the rest of the likely lads. Well, minus two others as Private Pecker and General Wood were both called up for ... More About: Grand , Grandfather , Aries , Alber , Diaries
Vintage Vicar: Armageddon at the Golden Gate Palace
2007-06-03 00:00:00 23rd October 2004 As a first impression, the Golden Gate Pala ce appeared to be a high class restaurant which really complimented the scenic backdrop of our village. Between the damp rot that engulfed the peeling wallpaper, right down to the slew of dead rats, I felt a certain charm which you ... More About: Vintage , Armageddon
The Very Best of: Spiritual Advice Column
2007-06-03 00:00:00 Dear Rev. Qelqoth, Does this look infected to you? Anon --- Dear Anon, No, it looks perfectly acceptable. You have no reason to be concerned. Please continue to send me pictures of Furball?s rectal probing to the usual address. They keep me busy when I?m out on the road by myself. --- Dear Rev. Qelqoth, The county rodeo starts ... More About: Advice , Spiritual , Column , Best of , Vice
Can Internet Memes Cure ADHD?
2007-06-03 00:00:00 Recently, Lord Matt contacted us, declaring that we have been "tagged" and that we must visit his blog to read "the rules". Firstly, let's get things straight. Tagging is a form of Intern et Meme and not the insertion of ones testicles into the recipient's mouth as others may ... More About: Memes , Cure
Audio Review: Funky Honkey, Nasty Nigger
2007-06-01 00:00:00 The cover of this epic record is an eclectic mixture of cultural diversity and sexual liberation, a landmark for an era where interracial relationships were quite simply frowned upon. The central gentleman, sporting a well groomed afro, appears to be on the receiving end of what appears to be ... More About: Audio , Review , Nasty , Funky , Nigger
Literary Review: Matthew Moses
2007-06-01 00:00:00 When crack smoking Satanist, Matthew Moses , approached us for a literary review, we were not entirely sure what to make of him at first. Despite displaying a highly literate acumen, it was clear from the in-set that Matthew was a troubled child who had difficulty retaining any sense of dignity ... More About: Review , Tera , Literary
Roast Brain in Garlic
2007-06-01 00:00:00 Make incision towards jugular using scalpel. Avoid main tubes as much as possible. Use heavy duty hacksaw to sever through spinal bone. Light incision around front of face, peel off skin as needed. Extract eyeballs, tongue, nose. Mince with skin until thickened. Mix well with garlic, onion, salt, pepper. Using hacksaw, make new incision to cranium. Extract brain; ... More About: Garlic , Brain , Roast , Arli
Flesh Eating Families: Part One
2007-06-01 00:00:00 You know I hate to ask but are cannibals domestic? Fairly recently, a woman was charged with second-degree domestic battery after biting off part of her new son-in-law's ear. Police say the middle-aged flesh eater savaged the earlobe of her daughter's husband with her bare teeth. Officers found the earless groom lying ... More About: Part , Families , Eating , Lies
Video Game Review: V-Tech Rampage
2007-05-24 00:00:00 One month later and the events of Cho Seung-Hui's biblical masterpiece at Virginia Tech are still holding strong. A video game based upon those events has been made available on the world wide web and it has already begun to cause an uproar in the media. V-Tech Rampage puts you in ... More About: Video , Review , Game , Video Game
Pre-Op Ethel: Transsexual Shenanigans
2007-05-23 00:00:00 Today, I swung by Kevin Palmer's MySpace page to check out what guest columnist DonkeySosa has been posting. His latest blog entry focuses on what items hot blooded males can make sweet love to when female genitalia is not available. And this got me thinking about my student years ... More About: Sexual , Trans , Nani , Tran , Shenanigans
Giant Squids Attack California!
2007-05-23 00:00:00 April 9th 2007 (CBS) BODEGA BAY, Calif . Violent, monsterous, brutal. The tentacles of these enormous beasts can suck the life right out of a human being and can also give Hentai fanatics, orgasms of astronomical proportions. Furthermore, they have finally arrived in California . These creatures of the deep are giant squid and they?re ... More About: Giant , Squid , Attack
Vintage Vicar: Bethlehem Bangers
2007-05-23 00:00:00 23rd December 2006 Cold. Ice cold. Not standard winter cold. Death inducing, teeth shatteringly cold. It was the kind of weather which could make your throat collapse in mere seconds, just moments before your face turned blue and your eyes became glazed through Jack Frost?s wicked, wicked touch. Bearing this into consideration, ... More About: Vintage , Beth , Bethlehem
Web Review: eBare Adult Auctions
2007-05-23 00:00:00 eBare .co.uk Smut-o-Rama Rating: Extreme Filth eBare is the online auction place that aims to offer customers the kind of squalid filth that would put most Japanese vending machines to shame. It's also guaranteed to drive your average eBay user towards catatonic despair. As with all online auction sites, eBare requires registration to ... More About: Review , Adult , Auctions
MySpace Controversy: The Tom Anderson Story
2007-05-23 00:00:00 Back in 2003, Tom Anderson decided to create a dream world where he could finally pick up hot chicks without the need for contemporary dating props (e.g. Rohypnol, GHB, Ketamine). Tom called this fantasy land "MySpace" and it was within this world where his sordid dreams became reality. Almost five ... More About: Story , Myspace , Controversy , Pace
The Seventh Seal
2007-05-23 00:00:00 Despite public opinion, being a celebrity means much more than a pretty face lined up for the next money shot. It can also be a career. But sometimes, it's hard work for these sluts of the silver screen and we've gone to great lengths to show you how ... More About: Seal , Vent
Online Infidelity: The Doc Johnson Story
2007-05-16 00:00:00 Doc Johnson , the online retailer of adult paraphernalia and accessories, has decided to push itself as far as possible into the 21st Century. Through extensive research, it has been proven that the majority of bored housewives prefer illicit online encounters instead of More About: Story , Online , Stor , Line
The Dark Depths of Paris
2007-05-16 00:00:00 From: Rev. Joseph Qelqoth [qelqoth@qelqoth.com] Reply-To: qelqoth@qelqoth.com To: Paris Hilton [cum_dumpster_slut_queen@gmail.com] Subject: Paris Hilton: Backdoor Movie Collection Date: Sat, 19 Jan 2007 11.14 UTC +5.30 --- Dear Miss Hilton, It is of no surprise to me when ... More About: Dark , The Dark , The D , Depth
Flossie the Bunny Rabbit
2007-05-16 00:00:00 Flossie was having a day out in Green Patch Meadow, hunting for her favourite carrots. Her two best friends, Daisy and Rosie, had come along to help her. Together, they skipped, bounced and hopped happily through the pastures, searching for those wonderfully tasty carrots. Although no matter how hard they looked, ... More About: Loss , Ossie , Ossi , Bunny , Rabbi
The Abdul Emails: Part Two
2007-05-16 00:00:00 From: Rev. Joseph Qelqoth [qelqoth@qelqoth.com] Reply-To: qelqoth@qelqoth.com To: Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam [HindiGoatLover@aol.com] Cc: G.W.Bush [t3xas_lvz_n1GGaz@gmail.com] Subject: Fw: Hindi Buttsecks Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2007 10.08 UTC +5.30 Abdul, Enough is enough. I should've have ... More About: Emails , Part , The A
The Abdul Emails: Part One
2007-05-16 00:00:00 From: Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam Reply-To: HindiGoatLover@aol.com To: qelqoth@qelqoth.com Subject: Hindi Buttsecks Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2007 10.08 UTC +5.30 Dearest Reverend Qelqoth, With deepest thanks and humble admiration of lund, I writing naughty letter to enlarge development, both me and greater India of future generation. My goal for good is fight poverty and no More About: Emails , Part , The A
Vintage Vicar: Ultraviolence on Sycamore Avenue
More articles from this author:2007-05-16 00:00:00 7th August 2006 Giving the sermon last Sunday was a complete disaster from start to finish. Never once in my life have I had to endure such a cataclysmic downward spiral of utmost imbecility. I pray to God (and our dreadful minister) that this week, I can use the ... More About: Vintage , More , Avenue , Amore , Viol 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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