The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. The Cult of Qelqoth - an alternative ezine for alternative people. Due to satire, sarcasm and naughty words, reader discretion is strongly advised. Articles
Clairvoyant Sued Over Energy Price Hike
2008-06-10 13:13:00 Blackheath, London — A contract labourer from East London is taking legal action against an amateur clairvoyant over claims of misleading information, sources have revealed today. Philip McCrevuce, the cockney welder currently pressing charges, is undergoing treatment for chronic depression after describing his clairvoyancy meeting as, “a load of fackin’ rubbish.” “Listen ‘ere guv,” said McCrevuce ... More About: Energy , Price , Hike , Sued
Operation Gronland: Part One
2008-06-07 18:36:00 Much to my chagrin, I received an urgent email from Qelqoth two weeks ago, asking me to travel to Greenland at my own expense. When I replied that it would be better to send a male representative, I was told, “Bitch, do as your told.” I ensured that my inventory was well prepared on ... More About: Part , Operation
A Guide To Greenland
2008-06-06 17:06:00 Wikipedia cites Greenland as a gigantic fucking island with a land mass of eleventy hundred million square miles. In contrast, the United Kingdom appears to be an unworthy opponent with approximately five miles of inhabitable space. But in spite of this, Britain boasts over sixty thousand billion inhabitants, asserting itself as a supreme gargantuan overlord* ... More About: Guide
The Epic Struggle Continues
2008-06-05 13:59:00 Comrades, these are crucial times for The Cult of Qelqoth. Our empire is growing and our lulz are strong. But we must never allow ourselves to become complacent. For if we fail to remain ever-vigilant, we may fall victim to the fiendish machinations of our hated enemy, Greenland. Demonstrating that Greenland’s treachery truly knows no bounds, the ... More About: Epic
Chris Martin Fan Letter
2008-06-03 12:52:00 Hi Rev. Quelqoth, It’s Chris Martin of Coldplay here. I’ve finally found time to send you a note to say how much me Jonny, Guy, and Will enjoy your website. Your wacky, zany articles really made our days at Rockfield Studio less tiresome. Guy is particularly fond of your, “Final Boss of The Internet” series, but ... More About: Letter
Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Six
2008-06-01 20:07:00 Part Six: FAQs Q1. I heard there are secret bosses in the game which can be unlocked. How do I unlock them? A1. The secret bosses made available depend on how much profit is made when playing The Internet . There are numerous factors involved and we have compiled a brief outline on how ... More About: Boss , Final , Part , The Internet
TCOQ Wages War With Greenland
2008-06-01 13:44:00 Nuuk, Greenland — The Cult of Qelqoth implemented their first strike against the island nation of Greenland yesterday after several unreasonable attempts at peaceful negotiations. When Greenland’s Prime Minister, Hans Enoksen, refused to provide women, livestock and spring pineapple crop, The Cult of Qelqoth followed with their only available recourse. The altercation between the two began ... More About: Wages
Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Five
2008-06-01 00:16:00 Part Five: Ultimate BSOD Ultimate BSOD will first deploy a clone of yourself - immediately cast N00b Deflect Shield and let the clone attempt to attack you. Any attacks made against you will be deflected right back at the clone. The only exception to this rule is N00b Bolt although this will be easy ... More About: Internet , Boss , Final , Part , The Internet
Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Four
2008-05-31 12:00:00 Part Four: BSOD After being sucked into the vortex, you will find yourself inside the Blue Screen of Death, BSOD for short. The BSOD Vortex will use Zerg Rush to summon multiple versions of yourself. The BSOD vortex will also disable your N00b Heal and N00b Defence. The only weapon available will be ... More About: Internet , Boss , Final , Part , The Internet
Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Three
2008-05-31 09:00:00 Part Three: Mecha Stephen Hawking Arguably the toughest of all incarnations, Mecha Stephen Hawking uses his Speak & Spell system to divide cubed numbers by zero, thus opening a series of wormholes. Your N00b Defence Shield will be no match against Hawking and his L33t Hax0r Sk1llz so instead, use N00b Heal repeatedly to keep ... More About: Internet , Boss , Final , Part , The Internet
Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Two
2008-05-30 09:07:00 Part Two: StaringVacantly After defeating Anonymous, Scott Willoughby (a.k.a StaringVacantly) will emerge from a portal. His basic attack will be Eye Flame; this will follow you as you move. To counter, run from one side of the room to the other, bounce off the wall and attack with your powered up N00b Lazer. ... More About: Internet , Boss , Final , Part , The Internet
World News Triad: May
2008-05-29 13:50:00 Hollywood, CA — Movie tough guy, Kevin Durand had to be rescued by armed officers Saturday night after being held hostage by an angry Yellowjacket. Durand (who starred alongside John Travolta in the Village People biopic ‘Wild Hogs’) was at home playing Backgammon with two acquaintances when the wasp entered through the kitchen window. It ... More About: News , World , World News
In Praise Of Old People
2008-05-26 13:05:00 For fuck sake, somebody shoot me before I get old. Don’t let me grow into one of those irritating, cantankerous old bastards. Maybe I’m being unfair. Some pensioners are dynamic and like to go out kicking and screaming rather than succumb to that glitch in the DNA code, the one that determines bad ... More About: People , Praise
Deadly Tortoise On The Run
2008-05-25 13:57:00 Gosport, England — The once idyllic community of Gosport has been left in the grip of terror when earlier this week, a violent tortoise escaped through a hole in a garden fence. The tortoise, known only as “Rupert” is currently at large following a string of barbaric crimes against children and dogs. [read ... More About: Tortoise , Deadly
Deadly Tortoise On The Run
2008-05-25 13:57:00 Gosport, England — The once idyllic community of Gosport has been left in the grip of terror when earlier this week, a violent tortoise escaped through a hole in a garden fence. The tortoise, known only as “Rupert” is currently at large following a string of barbaric crimes against children and dogs. [read ... More About: News , Tortoise , Deadly
Gig Preview: Gerbil Flayer
2008-05-22 17:08:00 São Paulo, Brazil — When Brazilian whizzcore rock outfit ‘Gerbil Flayer’ announced they were reforming for a one-night-only performance, clubbers and gurning ecstasy lovers were quoted as “going totally fucking nuts.” The concert, which is scheduled to take place in the main sewers of São Paulo, will be fronted by New York death metal ... More About: Music , Preview
Gig Preview: Gerbil Flayer
2008-05-22 17:08:00 São Paulo, Brazil — When Brazilian whizzcore rock outfit ‘Gerbil Flayer’ announced they were reforming for a one-night-only performance, clubbers and gurning ecstasy lovers were quoted as “going totally fucking nuts.” The concert, which is scheduled to take place in the main sewers of São Paulo, will be fronted by New York death metal ... More About: Preview
Man Questions Bartender?s Patriotism, Sexuality
2008-05-22 16:08:00 Hastings, MN — Bartender Mark Jeffords continued serving drinks as usual Friday night, despite speculation regarding his sexual orientation and possible disloyalty to America. Disgruntled tavern patron Randall Sackstein had accused Jeffords of being a ?fucking fag Nazi Communist cocksucker fuck,? an allegation Jeffords denies. According to witnesses, Sackstein approached the bar around 1 a.m. demanding ... More About: Questions , Patriotism , Randy Travis , Sexuality
Man Questions Bartender’s Patriotism, Sexuality
2008-05-22 16:08:00 Hastings, MN — Bartender Mark Jeffords continued serving drinks as usual Friday night, despite speculation regarding his sexual orientation and possible disloyalty to America. Disgruntled tavern patron Randall Sackstein had accused Jeffords of being a “fucking fag Nazi Communist cocksucker fuck,†an allegation Jeffords denies. According to witnesses, Sackstein approached the bar around 1 a.m. demanding ... More About: Questions , Patriotism , Sexuality
Learning Is Fun: Breakfast Trivia
2008-05-22 11:11:00 Breakfast is the first meal of the day and is so named because it is a ‘break’ from a ‘fast’. It is the perfect time for bullies to formulate a day of aggravated assault, and when new lovers finally get to see each other in the cruel diurnal light. Breakfast is so overwhelmingly popular ... More About: Breakfast , Trivia , Learning
Learning Is Fun: Breakfast Trivia
2008-05-22 11:11:00 Breakfast is the first meal of the day and is so named because it is a ‘break’ from a ‘fast’. It is the perfect time for bullies to formulate a day of aggravated assault, and when new lovers finally get to see each other in the cruel diurnal light. Breakfast is so overwhelmingly popular ... More About: Breakfast , Trivia , Learning
Ants Celebrate Seventy Years Of Hatred
2008-05-19 18:27:00 Gulag 13, Essex Colony 3473 — Within the bowels of the Formicidae Mining Company, worker ants celebrate seven decades of glorious labour as one of Britain’s oldest surviving plantations (Gulag 13) became listed as the oldest colony in ant history. Official celebrations are set to take place later this evening. Gulag 13 was first ... More About: Satire , Celebrate , Years , Ants , Hatred
George Lopez Loses Mind
2008-05-15 12:51:00 Los Angeles, CA — Actor and comedian George Lopez was released from Our Lady Peace mental health facility today after a tragic mishap earlier this month. Lopez was preforming at the Santa Ana Star Center in Rio Rancho when he apparently had a temporary fit of insanity following an equipment malfunction. It appears that ... More About: Mind , George Lopez
Hooray For Me!
2008-05-12 14:35:00 As I seem to be more privileged than the vast majority of the blogosphere (in fact I am widely admired and envied), I will allow you the reader to experience some of the things that make me utterly fantastic. You can call me Virago, Fish-Wife, or Gobby Cow, but I certainly do my bit ...
Wolfman Journals: Internet Support
2008-05-12 00:06:00 Ever since obtaining my degree in Applied Social Science, I’ve been wanting to give something back to my community. It was only through perusing The Hull Daily Mail where I discovered an opening at the local library. They required a dynamic assistant, someone with a strong IT background who could provide professional Internet ... More About: Support , Journals , Wolfman
Laughter, Tears As ?Bush Administration? Wraps
2008-05-11 16:45:00 Washington, D.C. — Between takes, the usual clowning and good-natured sexual harassment on set of The Bush Administration is tinged with melancholy. Because the cast knows that today, the landmark sitcom wraps production on its 8th and final season. The series finale, set to air in January 2009, marks the end of an era. ... More About: Humor , Iran , Saddam Hussein , Dick Cheney
Learning Is Fun: Religion
2008-05-09 01:43:00 Religion is a common form of schizoaffective disorder in which the sufferer experiences hallucination known as ‘fervours’. The only known cure is a procedure known as ‘Prefrontal Leucotomy’ where holes are drilled into the sufferer?s cranium. These holes are then infused with Remy Martin Coeur De Cognac in an attempt to destroy the affected ... More About: Religion , Learning
Landmark Article Deemed Uninteresting
2008-05-08 22:40:00 Newport, Wales — It would only end in tears. The Cult of Qelqoth finally pushed all boundaries of social acceptance when their latest news post, “Landmark Article Deemed Uninteresting”, did exactly what it said on the tin, infuriating a slew of former subscribers and regular site visitors in the process. Attempting to be clever by ...
Cure For Stupidity Found
2008-05-08 21:40:00 New York, NY — Recent studies conducted by the National Rifle Association show that bullets cure stupidity in some 98% of all applications. Because of the decline in the process of natural selection, the NRA began an investigation to see if there was another way to control over-population and weed out the weak-minded. Results indicate ... More About: Stupidity , Cure
National Geographic Reports Animal Gayness
More articles from this author:2008-05-08 14:54:00 London, England — Volatile baptists could be ready for another war on homosexuality, online sources have revealed. According to National Geographic , new trends of gayness have been witnessed in the animal kingdom, with dolphins and sheep up front while orangutans take the rear. But is this news? Not exactly. While National Geographic is ... More About: Animal 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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